Hoofin’ It: A Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count)

by RJ Blain

  That left only me. Whether I was dead or alive, if Marian stayed safe, I won.

  Ricci smiled and patted my cheek. “You’re such a mouthy little delight. No wonder Chicago’s elite brood master calls you his own. I’ll enjoy taking you from him and flaunting my victory before I send him to his final sleep. Humor an old man, one soon to be your sire. How have I made a mistake?”

  I counted Babylonians and did the math. “One to three odds, and they aren’t in your favor.”

  “You drank too deeply, Wilhelm. His thoughts have become clouded. It’s no fun for me if he doesn’t fear me while I’m killing them.” Ricci’s gaze turned to one of the vampires pinning me from behind. “I told you when we found him to take a sip, just enough to stun him.”

  “He’s already been bound, Father.”

  “Bound? To who?” Ricci’s tone sharpened.

  Ernesto smiled and remained quiet, watching and waiting, catching my eye and giving a slight nod.

  “To Ernesto, of course. Who else? You really are as stupid as you look.”

  Mouthing off to a vampire always caused trouble; in Ricci’s case, the sort of trouble born of a sharp kick to the collarbone. He rose, wound up, and kicked me hard. Bone cracked, and I shuddered from the pain. His second kick wasn’t as hard but struck the side of my throat, stunning me, and I struggled to breathe. “Ernesto is too busy fighting to save his true children to help the likes of you. This city becomes mine tonight, and you have only yourself to blame.”

  Ernesto looked heavenward as though praying for patience, lifted his hand, and mimed a duck’s quacking. I found his lack of concern both comforting and disturbing.

  Behind Ricci, where the roof ended in an alley, something large and black slinked over the ledge and landed in a crouch. In his hybrid form, Dad inspired fear, but he seemed even more menacing than usual. While smaller and younger as a lycanthrope, Mom slinked behind him with equal grace.

  “I have one thing to say to you, Ricci.”

  The vampire hissed at me. “What?”

  “Woof.”

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Ricci broke my nose with his heel, and I swore I’d never make fun of someone for crying over a broken nose again. The pain blinded me and robbed me of breath. The flow of fresh blood stirred the appetites of the vampires, and one of them sunk his fangs into my arm before Ricci could tear him off—literally.

  That would leave a scar, assuming I survived to tell the tale.

  In retrospect, if I had yelped from the start, Ricci never would’ve gotten a chance to land the second blow. My pained sound unleashed my parents’ fury, and the lycanthropes abandoned their careful stalk for the sort of assault I shouldn’t have attempted.

  Dad hit Ricci at full throttle, and the vampire and werewolf rolled across the roof, fur and flesh flying while the pair tore into each other. With excited yips, Mom dived into the fray, lifting her claws. She snatched one of the vampires off my back, lifted him up, and threw him off the roof, taking his place with a roar worthy of a lioness.

  I’d have to remind Dad he needed to teach Mom to howl.

  The vampires scattered, and I went limp from relief that I might survive for a few more minutes. I concentrated on my breathing, tasting blood. Mom roared again, crouching over me, one of her clawed hands on my shoulder, her hot breath washing over the back of my neck. “Shane?”

  “He lives,” Ernesto reported, and he took Ricci’s place, his fingertips resting on my forehead. “Broken nose, probably stunned. I’d bitten him earlier, but they’ve bitten him several times, which is rough even with my protection.”

  Bai Bao Chen stepped forward, lowered her head, and prodded my shoulder with the tip of her horn, hard enough to hurt. “Conventional wisdom states it is unwise to take on part of a brood and its master at the same time.”

  “Good to know,” I croaked.

  “See? He’ll be fine. Go help your mate deal with Ricci. I’d be honored to guard your puppy and watch you toy with that vampire before you tear him limb from limb until unlife flees his body.”

  Mom whined an eager whine and bounded away.

  The kirin laughed and gave me another poke. “So enthusiastic. O’Conners is dead. You dropped his body on your father’s head. Your father took severe offense to that for some reason. Werewolves are fast, strong predators. I should tell my kin to cohort with werewolves. They are entertaining.”

  “Long lived, too.” Ernesto shifted his hand to my throat, pressing to check my pulse. “Weaker than I like. How is it you wander off and manage to find the worst of the trouble, my dear boy?”

  “The broken fire escapes offered a clue. I didn’t think O’Conners had been turned into a vampire. He had a sniper rifle.” While tempted to sit up, I erred on the side of caution and stayed down, careful to breath through my mouth. “Fucker broke my nose.”

  “Yes, rather badly, too.” Ernesto worked his arm under my chest and hauled me upright. “I’ll set it, but you’ll need to see a doctor to make sure it doesn’t heal crooked.”

  A little warning would’ve been nice, especially since I blacked out when the vampire grasped my nose and gave a yank. When I pried open my eyes, the din of battle and the screams of the dying and the undead still filled the air. I was leaning against Ernesto, who absently patted my back.

  Bai Bao Chen bumped my chin with her soft muzzle, careful to angle her horn away from me. “He’s coming around.”

  “Just in time for the fun. Look.”

  I needed the vampire’s help to sit upright and stay there, but I had no trouble figuring out what he meant. Before Mom’s lycanthropy virus had matured, she’d enjoyed playing tug-of-war with Dad in his wolf form, battling with him over an old, frayed rope.

  That game had been more playful in nature, with my mother the destined winner, since Dad refused to risk hurting her. His care and tenderness were absent in their new version of the game. My parents waged a vicious, snarling war over who’d get their new rope.

  I almost pitied Ricci. Almost. I might have had more mercy if the vampire was still alive, but he hung limply in their grasp, and his open, dead eyes stared at nothing.

  “I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I underestimated the viciousness of a pair of lycanthropes defending their puppy. It won’t happen again. I thought their violence had peaked when they’d gotten their paws on O’Conners—nicely done, by the way. He would’ve died on his own soon enough. Your parents just helped him along.” Ernesto chuckled, and a satisfied smile brightened his expression. “You made quite a noise when I set your nose. Your parents were greatly offended. Ricci did not survive to his next breath. I think they’re just working out their frustrations.”

  “I’m surprised you don’t want a piece of him.”

  “I don’t need that satisfaction. I lured him here, and I tricked him into bringing his most vulnerable children. The ones who don’t die will belong to me, and they won’t be long for this world if they don’t give up their old ways.” Ernesto’s smile turned grim. “I have lost none of my children. He has lost all of his. Some of my children are weakened and will be a long time recovering, but none have died their second death. I have won this war—and you have bought many human victims time. No, I don’t need anything else from his corpse.”

  “Is Marian all right?”

  “She’s with Pierina, guarded by my other sons and daughters and by Fang Jaihao Yi as well. It would take an army to reach her. Last I saw her, she was sulking, as she only got to shoot one vampire.”

  “Offer your knees later.”

  He laughed. “I shall. We’ll both enjoy it. Bai Bao Chen, I leave him to you. It may take a while to cool the temper of the lycanthropes.”

  The kirin slid her way between me and Ernesto until most of my weight rested against her foreleg. “An entire cow, vampire. That is what you owe me for making me miss my share of the battle’s bounty.”

  “It’ll be done.” Ernesto rose to his feet and approached my parents, staying out of t
heir reach while they fought over the dead vampire.

  “I was stupid,” I confessed.

  Bai Bao Chen lowered her head so I could look into one of her bright eyes. “Perhaps. It will be a challenge tempering your courage with wisdom. You killed one before they caught you.”

  “Two.”

  She whinnied. “Even better than I thought. You fought well, although foolishly. You are lucky you emerged with your true life. That vampire would have turned you, given a chance. That would have been a pity. That vampire’s plan was well-aimed. It would have hurt Ernesto’s heart to put you to your final rest. But who knows? It is an odd thing, the nature of souls. Like attracts like, so perhaps he would have found himself the father of a new son, one with similar spirit to the one he would have lost. But it would have hurt him all the same, knowing it was not you within your body. A near thing.”

  “A near thing I will try to avoid.” I meant it, too. Vampire bites hurt, and my chest throbbed as though my body still fought the vampire draining my blood. “I got O’Conners.”

  “You did.”

  “The Babylonians?”

  “Ah, yes. They are the reason Ernesto’s children still live. They accepted their deaths so Ernesto’s children would not have to die. They’ll rise on their own. The survivors take their fallen to their crypts to await the sunrise of the fourth day. Abil Ili lived, although he will miss his left arm for a while. It’ll grow back eventually. None of the kirin, the shedu, or the others fell. Given an hour, there will be no sign of what has happened here.”

  “What others?”

  Bai Bao Chen grinned at me. “Some things you are not ready to know. They are one of them. One day, when you are old and I am still young, I will introduce you.”

  I wondered if she meant for her words to sound like a threat. Probably. “The cops?”

  “We have the word of an angel they had fallen, turned by Ricci last night, from what we understand.”

  I remembered Stripes, and I flinched. “The second one I killed. I knew him.”

  “His death hurts you. For that, I am sorry. This will not bring you peace, but perhaps a little comfort. Their disgrace will be covered up. A disgusting, pretty story will be invented to explain away their deaths, those who turned their back on the sun in their pursuit of evil.”

  I glanced at Ernesto, who was crouched near my snarling parents, talking to them in his calm, mellow voice. “Yet you’re friends with Ernesto.”

  The vampire turned at the sound of his name and flashed me a toothy grin. “Of course she is. She was but a wobbly filly when I was already old. Cute as a button, all fluff and stubborn pride, prone to tumbles until she could make all four of her hooves cooperate, which took her many years.”

  Bai Bao Chen snapped her teeth. “I will eat you, vampire.”

  “No, you won’t. You would miss your papa.”

  The kirin stomped her hoof. “Ernesto!”

  “Maybe she will tell you the story, some day, of the qilin parents who could not accept their deformed, wobbly kirin filly. They had abandoned her as a living sacrifice to what they believed was a fire god. Of course, phoenixes do tend to believe themselves gods, but who am I to judge? And so the little filly came to be in my care—and in Abil Ili’s care, beginning many long and happy years of partnership between our three races. In a way, you can thank Bai Bao Chen for Abil Ili’s skills in the arts of healing. Before the kirin, the Babylonians had no need for or interest in the art of restoring broken bodies. Ah, do see Abil Ili before you run off, my dear boy. You need to ask him to soothe your collarbone and return it to its proper place, although I think he should leave your nose broken as a reminder of why you should be more careful in the future.”

  “Ernesto,” Bai Bao Chen complained.

  “Bai Bao Chen,” he replied, his voice a perfect match for her tone. “Don’t forget I will spank you as I would any of my other children. The only shame would be in hiding the difficulties you have long overcome, difficulties that were no fault of yours.”

  I lifted my shaking hand and patted Bai Bao Chen’s leg. “He won’t stop if you argue with him.”

  “Papa,” Bai Bao Chen spat.

  “I know what you want to ask me. If you want to see the world, who am I to argue with you? You were an adult long ago. You need not haunt my doorstep and lurk beneath the streets of Chicago. You have always been free to come and go as you wish. Of course, I’ll feel better if you and your stallion keep an eye on the more delicate of my children. I’m sure they will keep things interesting for you.”

  Stretching out her neck, Bai Bao Chen snapped her teeth at the vampire. “Insufferable!”

  “This is what you have to look forward to, my dear boy—long years of your children talking back to you. The better you raise them, the mouthier they’ll be.”

  That caught my parents’ attention; they dropped Ricci’s body and turned to face us.

  “We have raised the best of sons, if that’s the criteria,” Dad muttered, spitting out a chunk of vampire. “Your kind tastes rather unpleasant, Ernesto.”

  “And yours tastes rather delicious.”

  While Dad took a swipe at the ancient vampire, his claws ruffled Ernesto’s suit rather than tearing him to shreds. “Do I need to take you to the hospital, pup?”

  I waved my father off. “I’ll just sit here. That’s fine. If anyone bothers me, Bai Bao Chen can eat them. Right?”

  The kirin chuckled. “It would be my pleasure to eat any annoyances.”

  Ernesto heaved one of his long-suffering sighs. “No, it’s better he doesn’t go to a hospital. We’ll have problems explaining the violence tonight. The blood loss will heal, and once Abil Ili has a few moments, he can numb the pain and fuse his collarbone. The rest is best left to nature. Your blood won’t do him much good at this point. There’s too much vampiric magic at play. I’ve shielded him from the worst of it, but it’s best for him if he fights this battle on his own. Some rest, some peace, and some quiet will do the most good.”

  “Very well. Let’s get off this roof before the uncorrupted police arrive. We should make ourselves scarce.”

  “Indeed. At least an explanation for this tragedy is readily available; after all, the police did neglect to replace the grate promptly, and everyone in Chicago knows great evils lurk within the city’s vast underbelly, the abyss only fools brave.” Ernesto’s chuckle possessed a sharp edge. “Isn’t it funny how rumors spread? A little bit of mystery, a little bit of darkness, and a few unexplained lights in the deepest shadows spawn the oddest stories—and such delicious fear. Now, that said, there are worse things than Babylonians and kirin lurking in the deep places of the world… but they won’t bother us as long as we don’t bother them. Right, Bai Bao Chen?”

  “You’re a terrible being, Ernesto,” the kirin muttered, shaking the blood off her coat. “Up, Shane Shiu Cheng. One more ride, then you can rest to your heart’s content.”

  I should’ve known Bai Bao Chen meant to jump from the roof, and only luck kept me in the saddle when she thumped to the ground. As it was, excruciating pain radiated from my broken collarbone, and I slammed my nose into her neck, breaking it a second time. While I cursed and bled all over her, she laughed.

  Dad sighed when reached us, grasped the back of my head in a massive paw to hold me still, and set my nose with a jerk. “Don’t break it again.”

  “Wasn’t on purpose,” I grumbled, and my voice sounded strange to my ears.

  To add insult to injury, Abil Ili stabbed me with one of his hooks, cutting over my broken collarbone and dripping black fluid all over me before he was satisfied with his work. It hurt like hell, but my father and Bai Bao Chen worked together to hold me still until the Babylonian finished his so-called soothing.

  I’d have to explain to them torture wasn’t soothing.

  Shortly after Abil Ili finished treating my broken collarbone, Marian emerged from Michietti’s with Pierina at her side, and she clapped her hands to her mouth. “Shane
! What have you done to yourself? Are you all right?”

  “He decided to play with a vampire master and got used as a chew toy,” my father announced, hauling me from Bai Bao Chen’s back, grabbing me by the back of my neck, and dragging me as he had when I’d been little and prone to getting under foot and causing trouble. “He did score full points for his viciousness in eliminating a threat to you, so you shouldn’t punish him too much. Just a little.”

  With a shove, he surrendered me to Marian’s custody. Unlike my father, she wrapped her arm around my back and scooted close to me. “I saw O’Conners fall from the roof. He landed on your father. Was that your doing?”

  “It was,” I confirmed.

  “Good. I was disappointed I didn’t get a chance at him. I can live with my disappointment if you got a few hits in on my behalf.”

  Considering I’d killed him for her sake, I was being honest when I nodded.

  “However, we’ll be having a long talk about running off without me during a pitched battle.”

  “Why don’t you try to impress upon him why it’s dangerous to attack the master of a brood without assistance.” Ernesto patted my shoulder. “If Ricci had been a little wiser about when to go about it, Shane would’ve been turned. I’ve learned a new lesson about this world of ours.”

  Marian tightened her hold on me, and I gratefully leaned against her. “What lesson?”

  “I’ve seen many great and terrible things, but nothing quite as daunting as a pair of lycanthropes witnessing someone hurting their puppy. I’d heard rumors of what enraged werewolves could do, but I’d underestimated them. Ricci was no minor vampire, and he stood no chance. It was an honor to witness.”

  My parents preened, and my father shoved his muzzle in my face and licked me.

  I pushed his snout away. “That hurts, Dad.”

  “Shouldn’t have broken your nose. I taught you to ride better than that.”

  “She jumped from a third story roof!”

  “No excuses. I taught you better than that.”

  I sighed. No matter what, I couldn’t win. Then again, I couldn’t lose, either. I turned to Marian and rested my brow on her shoulder. “You know what? Forget it. Let’s just go home.”