Sawyer Says

by Carey Heywood

Once my sobs soften, she pulls away. “I make you some tea.”

  “Got anything stronger?” I hiccup.

  It’s still morning, but she returns with a bottle of Jack. I reach for it and take a healthy gulp, gasping as it burns down my throat. I gulp down another shot before I set the bottle down on the floor next to the bed.

  “Why are you crying?” she demands.

  I shake my head. “All this time I thought my grandmother didn’t want me.”

  She gently bends down to grasp the neck of the bottle and helps herself to a gulp before setting it on the dresser across from the bed. She walks back over to me, smacking me softly to make more room for her to sit next to me.

  Once she’s settled next to me, her arm drapes around my shoulders. “What made you think this? Did your grandmother give you to the state? No, she did not. She sent you to Carmen, to a good school. This does not sound like someone with no love.”

  I nod, seeing the truth in her words. “I felt abandoned so I reacted in anger. I’ve been so angry, for so long. I feel ashamed.”

  She holds me tightly as I cry on her shoulder. “Now you know. You must never question this again. You deserve love and have been loved.”

  Carmen deserves better than I am. She was the woman who raised me to be strong, passionate, and giving. When I graduated, I left. I knew Carmen loved me, but I let my own feelings of inadequacy push me away from her. I took off, so certain that I didn’t need anyone or anything.

  “I shouldn’t have left Carmen the way I did,” I confess.

  “Shh.” She pushes my hair from my eyes. “When the baby bird takes flight, the mama is never more proud.”

  “I should have—“

  “You are here now.”

  I nod, and she stands so I can get up and spend time with the woman my grandmother trusted to raise me. She is lucid when I go to sit with her.

  “I saw myself as a burden.”

  She gently shakes her head. “You are a gift.”

  I bite back a sob as my eyes well. “I’m so sorry I lost contact with you.”

  When her lips pull up in her familiar smile, I’m pulled back in time. She was Sophia Loren to me, even now. “La mia Sawyer.”

  “La mia Carmen.” I hold her hand in both of mine.

  Marie watches us, leans up against the doorway, and says, “Tell her about your love.”

  I blink at her, and she winks at me. “Your man.”

  Carmen’s eyes have moved to Marie and come back to rest on mine. If I didn’t know better, I could swear they were twinkling.

  “A love?”

  Why does telling Carmen finally make it feel real? “Yes.” I can’t help the smile that comes with thinking of Jared.

  Marie encourages me to talk about him as Carmen listens on, rapt.

  “His name is Jared. He’s the boy I spent summers with when I wasn’t at school. He is the best man I’ve ever known. I’ve been awful, and he doesn’t care. He just loves me. Part of me doesn’t feel like I deserve him.”

  She pulls her hand from my grasp to set it over both of my arms and squeeze. “Go to him.”

  “What?” I blink. “I’m here with you, for you. I can’t leave you.”

  She presses her other hand to her heart. “You never left me.”

  Marie is next to me, pulling me. “Go pack.”

  “But—” I look back at Carmen as Marie tugs me into the hallway.

  “She doesn’t want you to see her go,” she explains.

  She is so giving, even to the end. Carmen doesn’t want me to watch her die. She wants me to go make amends with Jared. I nod; my eyes filling with tears again as I blindly shove my clothes back into my suitcase.

  If there was ever a life lesson staring me in the face, this is it; be unselfish with your love. Spread it all around.

  Carmen loved me enough to let me go all those years ago. She didn’t hold my need to find my own way against me. She only rejoiced in my finding my way back to her.

  I know I’m not done learning exactly why my grandmother pushed me away. There are letters I still need to read, but I have time for that. I’m also lucky enough to have the love of a generous man who will hold my hand as I do it. Marie offers to drive my rental and me to the airport. It will be an excuse to call Tom and have him come pick her up.

  She busies herself calling him while I take a quick shower. I can hear her from the hallway as I go to say goodbye to Carmen. I swallow the emotions rising in my throat, as I know this will probably be the last time I see her.

  She smiles quietly, her serene beauty still stronger than her failing body.

  “I can’t thank you enough for everything. I am who am I today because I had an amazing woman to look up to. I love you so much, Carmen.” The tears I tried so hard to hold back push their way through and stream down my face.

  “I’m so sorry I left the way I did.”

  Her hand cups my cheek, drying some of my tears. “La mia Sawyer. You never left me.”

  “La mia Carmen,” I choke.

  She pulls my hand to her lips to kiss it, and then I kiss her cheeks. I may always regret the time I lost with her, but my heart feels full in knowing she never held that against me. People put value in objects, possessions. Just seeing her again, telling her I’m sorry, feels like a gift.

  For so long, I ignored the love given freely to me. In my own twisted interpretation, I took the actions of one individual to define what I thought I deserved.

  Carmen is asleep by the time Marie and I need to leave. Careful not to disturb her, I give her one last gentle kiss before I go. Tom is parked on the street waiting so he can follow my rental. I return his wave, smiling. Marie blows him a kiss, making him blush right to the top of his baldhead.

  “I like Tom,” I whisper, sliding into my seat.

  She fluffs her hair, her mouth stretching into a grin. “He is a good man.”

  Marie and Tom stay with me until I’ve finished returning the rental. Saying goodbye to Marie becomes a full body event, and she clasps me to her chest. I thank her. She opened her heart to me these past few days. I feel a sense of relief that Carmen has her. That she isn’t alone.

  They leave me, Marie winking at me one last time over her shoulder as they walk away hand in hand.

  I manage to land a standby seat on the next flight to Denver. I decide against calling Jared, wanting to surprise him. I’m still reeling from everything I’ve learned about my grandmother, but somehow the thought of seeing Jared, of feeling his arms around me again, leaves me feeling giddier than anything else does.

  I luck out on a seat near an outlet and plug my phone in. I have to talk to someone, so I call Sarah.

  “Hey, Sawyer,” Will answers her phone.

  “Hiya, Price. Where’s Sarah?”

  “She’s upstairs. I’m walking you up to her right now.”

  “Cool. Thanks.” I pull my legs up into my seat and cross them. “So how’ve you been?”

  “Good. Busy. End of the nine weeks is approaching so I need to get grades loaded. Otherwise, just doing some stuff around the house. I’ll let my lovely wife fill you in on that.” I hear him call out to her, letting her know I’m on the phone.

  “It was nice hearing your voice, Will,” I say, before he passes the phone to her, “Keep taking good care of my girl.”

  I hear what sounds like a soft kiss. “It’s my life’s mission. Bye, Sawyer.”

  “Hey, babe.” I can hear her smile through the phone.

  It makes me miss her.

  “I love you,” I blurt.

  “I love you too, Sawyer. Is everything okay? You sound...” She trails off.

  “You ever feel like everything you thought you knew was wrong?” I ask.

  “Um, yes. Just look at Will and me.”

  She’s right. She was so sure he couldn’t love her and ran the first time their young love was tested. She had an excuse, though. Eighteen year olds are not known for their decision-making skills under pressure. That com
es with age and maturity. She and Will are so solid now; I think they needed to grow up and find themselves first.

  What’s my excuse? I’ve been hanging onto this shield over my heart forever. The only reason Jared and I still have a chance is because of how patient and stubborn he has been in allowing me to face my fear of letting someone love me. For so long, I’ve convinced myself that there was something so fundamentally wrong with me that I didn’t deserve love.

  “My grandmother didn’t have me live with her because she had mental health issues. She was scared she wouldn’t be able to take care of me. She,” I gulp, “sent me away because she loved me.”

  “Oh, honey.”

  I refuse to cry again, especially sitting at a crowded airport gate. Sarah, the best friend a girl could ever ask for, cries for me. She, throughout the years, has come closest to knowing my deepest fears of inadequacy. She always built me back up, never letting me dwell in negativity without trying so hard to make me believe I deserved love.

  Sarah was the first person from whom I accepted unconditional love. Without her, I don’t know where I would be today. When we met, I was all bravado, and she was hurting. Over the years, we’ve reversed roles more times than I can count. If Jared is the love of my life, Sarah is the sister I never had.

  She keeps talking, “I knew there had to be some reason. I knew it.”

  She did. She always argued my grandmother must have had a reason for sending me away. I just chose to believe it was something to do with me and never opened myself up to the possibility it was for me.

  “So…” Silence. “Jared?”

  “I’m going home right now.”

  “Have you told him anything yet?”

  I shake my head then laugh at myself, remembering she can’t see me. “Not yet. You don’t think he might change his mind about me, do you?”

  “Are you kidding me? That boy loves you, loves you. Don’t even consider the alternative. You need to allow yourself to let him love you.”

  “I’ll try,” I reply softly.

  “That’s all you can do. Trust me. It’s worth it.”

  When I hear my name called to the gate agent, I tell Sarah I love her again and promise to talk more once I’m back in Denver. At the gate, I get the good news. A seat opened up, and I’m now officially going home.

  While waiting in line to board the plane, I text Petey to see if he can pick me up from the airport. I smile down at his immediate response. With any luck, I’ll be home before Jared gets off work.

  I have my whole flight to think of what I’ll say, of how I’ll ask Jared for his forgiveness in my keeping him at arm’s length.

  Once we’ve landed and I turn the corner to head toward baggage claim, I know I’ve been had.

  Strong arms lift me as Jared crushes me to his chest. “Heard you needed a lift,” he grins before molding his lips to mine.

  People shuffle around us as he takes his time saying hello. Everything I had convinced myself I needed to say on the plane seems pointless now. He doesn’t need words. He just wants me. I haven’t even been gone from him that long, but his kiss reminds me of how much I miss the way he tastes, the way he smells, the way his arms feel wrapped around me.

  I could stand here all day. I’m sad, briefly, when he sets me back down. The only thing keeping me from pulling his lips back down to mine is my knowing that as soon as we get back to the condo, it won’t be just his lips on me.

  I don’t argue his driving us back. He has to look at the road while I get to look at him. Finally deciding to love him back, to accept his love, has released a girl from inside of me that I didn’t know existed. She’s happy, totally and completely happy.

  Every smile I smiled before this moment feels like practice. Self-awareness raises her unsure head, and my grin falters a fraction.

  “Don’t.” Jared is so tuned into me. “I love your smile.”

  Like a burner cranked to high, the intense joy within is back, full force. I’ve never been so relieved that Petey is a meddling fool. I will have to think of some way to thank him for getting Jared to come get me.

  It’s another realization of the love I’ve ignored all around me. I’ve been such an idiot. What I could have lost if I had succeeded in pushing him away dawns on me. Now I finally recognize the truth of how empty my life would be without him.

  I squeeze his hand, drawing his eyes to mine. “I love you.”

  His eyes widen in surprise. “What’d you say?”

  I smile until it hurts. “I love you, Jared Keller.”

  He groans, swerving to pull off the road.

  “What are you doing?” I gasp.

  His SUV is in park, my seatbelt has been unbuckled, and I am hauled into his lap before I know it.

  His hands are in my hair as he pulls my lips down to his. I feel the rapid drumming of his heart beating through his clothes as I steady myself against his chest.

  “You don’t get to say that without me getting to kiss you,” he murmurs against my mouth.

  “I love you,” I answer, tasting him.

  He groans again, “I love you so much, Sawyer.”

  I lift my head, pulling back slightly. “Please, take me home so I can show you just how much I love you.”

  He tips his head back, closing his eyes until it rests on the headrest. I suppress my giggle at his obvious arousal. I’ve never felt more wanted, loved, cherished. I just wish it wasn’t on the side of a highway.

  I kiss his closed eyelids before slipping back into my seat. We’re back on the road, gravel flying in our wake the moment my seatbelt clicks into place.

  There has been some speculation that I am somewhat of an aggressive driver. I’m not technically admitting to anything. However, Jared is driving like a man possessed. I love it. Seeing him, my gentle giant, so bordering out of control is the hottest thing I’ve ever witnessed.

  He wants me. He wants me badly. It’s a heady rush. He does a craptastic-parking job when we get home. There is a serious possibility his SUV will be towed, but neither of us cares. Force of habit is the only thing that reminds us even to close the doors before we dash upstairs. Once inside, our four hands work to strip us of anything keeping his skin from mine.

  Clothes are in the foyer, kitchen, hallway, and finally he divests me of my boy shorts once we reach my room. I’m lifted, flying, coasting, landing softly against my pillows, his body following. We roll, sliding against each other, trying somehow to touch every inch of our bodies before anything else. My body is humming with need, each stroke only intensifying it.

  “Jared.” I border on begging.

  “I want you so bad,” he whispers against my neck.

  “I’m right here,” I pant.

  “I missed touching you. I need to feel you,” he confesses, kissing his way down one arm.

  “Please.” I lift my hips; the ache for him to fill me is almost painful.

  His arms band around my waist, and he drags his fingertips down my legs. My fingers scrape my scalp as I bury them in my hair. I can’t handle it anymore. He’s reached the end of his control as well. My eyes drift open, and I part my legs wider when I feel the tip of his erection tease me.

  “Jared,” I moan as he sinks inch by glorious inch into me.

  Once he’s as deep as he can go, once there is no possible negative space around us, I exhale. With that breath, I release every negative thing I ever told myself, every impulse I’ve ever had to feel that I’m not deserving of love.

  This man, this amazing man I’ve known over half of my life, is giving me all of himself now. He has been patiently and sometimes not so patiently, waiting for me to figure my shit out. He has met me more than halfway repeatedly. I’d be an idiot to let fear keep me from gobbling up every part of him.

  He gave me space without abandoning me. Now that I’ve exorcised the demons of my own creation, I’m ready to give him all of me. Our lovemaking is a contradiction in itself, passionate pounding of limbs one moment to subtle savoring o
f each infinitesimal movement.

  The simple twist of his hips as he pushes impossibly further into me flips a switch inside me. I don’t crash or fall, I detonate, exploding into uncountable pieces and somehow reforming into something brand new. I bare my soul to Jared and find my mate.

  I never want to be without him again.

  I hardly have a chance to recover before his entire body tenses around me, over me, inside me. With my name on his lips, he comes hard. Fucking sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. He lowers his lips to mine before turning on his side and pulling me to his chest. We kiss slowly, tenderly, as we cherish each other.

  I should be terrified. In my head, I recognize how scary it is to love someone so much. It’s a loss of control. It’s the choice to trust him forever with my heart. Even knowing this, I’ve never felt safer or more certain.

  Sawyer loves me. I knew she did. I just never expected her to admit it aloud.

  She’s always been a less talk more action type of girl, unless she’s giving someone grief. I’ve had her love as a friend for years. This is different. We both know it. I fully intend to tease her at some point in the future over the fact that I figured it out first.

  Lying here, with her in my arms, I know it’s time for her to get all the shit that’s been dragging her down, off her chest. I kiss her temple, leaving my lips there so I can smell her conditioner and feel the tickle of her pulse against my mouth.

  “I missed you so much,” she sighs, stepping her fingertips slowly up my arm.

  “You happy to see me?” I joke.

  Her mumbled affirmation makes me grin.

  “I never want to leave this bed,” she adds, pressing against me.

  I tighten my arms around her. “Be careful what you wish for.”

  Half a laugh erupts before she takes a shaky breath. “This is better than anything I could have ever wished for.”

  I lift my head, my eyes searching her face. Her words are light, but coated in a sadness she can’t hide from me.

  “What’s wrong?”

  She starts blinking like crazy and tries to pull away, but I don’t let her. She pinches her eyes shut as I stare. She gulps.

  “I was so wrong about her, Jared,” she swallows again. “So wrong,” her voice breaks.