Sawyer Says

by Carey Heywood

  “I don’t understand. What happened?”

  I sit, pulling her into my lap.

  “She was sick, even institutionalized at one point. She did shock therapy; and basically, she had no short-term memory. That’s why her journal read the way it did.”

  One tear escapes, and I brush it from her cheek. “I’m so sorry, babe.”

  I can’t even imagine what learning that did to her. She was so sure there was something lacking in herself to consider anything else.

  “I failed her, Jared.” She shakes her head. “I never even tried to see her or get to know her.”

  My hands travel up and down the slope of her back as I try to comfort her. “You didn’t know.”

  More tears escape as she tucks her face into the curve of my neck. “And Carmen, I left her without even looking back. What kind of person does that make me?”

  I lean back, bringing one hand to lift her chin until her eyes are locked on mine. “You’re not a bad person. You were young and wanted to find your own way. Did either of them come after you?”

  She shakes her head, so I continue, “You didn’t do anything wrong. You are one of the most giving, selfless people I know.”

  She gives me a wet smile, so I drop my hand and pull her back to my chest. She’s stubborn, so I’m positive this won’t be the only time we have this conversation.

  I decide now might be a smart time to confess what I’ve been up to while she was gone.

  My mouth drops. “You did what?”

  He looks terrified for a moment and hesitates, but I cut him off. “You bought my grandmother’s house?”

  He cringes, nodding, and I crush my lips to his. “You are the most amazing man in the whole world.”

  His shoulders sag, and he grins against my lips. “Thank fuck. I thought you were going to be pissed at me.”

  “But how did you do it? I saw the closing paperwork. I’m pretty sure I would have noticed your name.”

  He scratches the back of his head, his shirt lifting to expose his taut stomach. “I managed to find the buyer and talk her into selling it to me. Once she heard about you and what I was trying to do she agreed.”

  I pull back, almost asking him why he would do that for me, but I already know the answer. It would have freaked me out a couple of days ago. I wouldn’t have reacted well at all. My anger at her would have transferred over to him.

  “I love you.” I dive back into our kiss.

  He bought my grandmother’s house, the place my father grew up in and the place I never had an opportunity to grow to love.

  “Do you want to live there?” I ask.

  He shrugs. “Maybe someday. I just couldn’t shake the feeling you belonged there when we were there.”

  “But the studio?” I pout.

  “We can rent the house out or just keep it as a place we’ll vacation to.”

  “Are you loaded? That house was not cheap.”

  He waggles his eyebrows at me. “Only with me for my money?”

  I push on his shoulder, and he leans in to nip at my lip. “I want to know.”

  “I had a little bit of cash but not enough to buy it outright. The rest is mortgaged.”

  I groan, “I don’t want you to be in debt because of me. Let me pay the difference.”

  He smirks. “Woman.”

  I open my mouth to argue, but he silences me with his finger. “Let me do this for you.”

  I sneak my tongue out and lick the pad of his finger, my heart racing as I watch his gaze turn molten.

  Pressing gently on his chest, I push him back down to the bed and he falls, moving his finger from my mouth.

  Lining myself over him, I descend slowly, sinking until he fills me. “I’ll have to think of some way to pay you back.”

  His hands slide up to grip my hips. “No payback needed,” he whispers.

  I swivel my hips and pull back an inch before easing back down, and his eyes roll back.

  “You like this, Jared?” I tease.

  His grip tightens, fingers biting into my skin as he lifts me before driving his hips upward, simultaneously slamming me down onto him. “I fucking love this,” he answers.

  I surrender to him, falling forward enough to brace my hands on his chest as he pounds me from below. My body is his to command. It’s a level of open trust, built on freely giving and receiving his love. He loves me gently with every sweet thing he does to make me happy; but at the same time, he can turn me on and make me feel like a sexual goddess.

  I trust him enough to lose control with him and know he will never do anything to hurt me. I lift my eyes to watch his face. He is so fucking hot. Beads of sweat gather at his hairline. He opens his eyes and pauses when he sees me watching him.

  I drop until my chest is flat on his. He lifts his head to capture my lips. He slows but somehow his hips continue their beautifully torturous assault on me, shifting from frantic to leisurely. This time, a gentle warmth expands within me until I crest and pulse deep inside. Jared is unable to hold out. He follows me with a groan.

  Carmen passed away today. Part of me knew it even before Marie called. Something just felt not right all day. I was at the studio, and even though I should have been feeling nothing but contentment at the upcoming opening, something was off.

  I decide against bothering Jared with it at work. While he works year-round at the resort, today is the last official day of the ski season. I can see him, clear as day, probably boarding in a t-shirt right now.

  One moment the world was clinging desperately to the last vestiges of winter, then almost overnight, spring asserted herself dramatically. Everything feels bright and green.

  “Jared’s here,” is all the notice I get before he turns the corner and steps into my office.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, surprised but so happy to see him.

  “Hey.” He catches me as I hurl myself into his arms. “Thought I’d surprise you. Everything okay?”

  I shake my head against his neck. “Carmen passed away.”

  His hand slides up to cup the back of my head as he pulls me closer.

  I cling to him, mourning the woman who was the closest thing I had to a mother after mine had passed away. He reaches behind him to close the door of my office before walking me over to a loveseat I have against one wall.

  He murmurs sweet declarations in my ear, how much he loves me, how she knew I loved her, and how happy he was that I had her. I blink up at him when he offers to go with me to her funeral.

  Knowing without a doubt how I feel about him has changed Jared. He has no problem confidently swooping in to take care of me. I might fuss at him, but it doesn’t stop him. I trust him, and he knows I’ll do the same for him.

  After I’ve calmed down, he takes me home. I sit on the couch and watch him, laptop in hand, book our flights after he talks to Marie. I’m still sad. There’s an ache inside my chest knowing I won’t see Carmen again.

  With the studio opening, we are only staying there two days. Even though Marie graciously offered to have us stay with her, we decide to stay at a nearby hotel instead. I don’t want her to feel obligated to take care of us, and I know if we stay with her, she will.

  Jared is my hero. He takes charge of everything and allows me the space to grieve without even having to worry if I packed underwear or not. He probably packed ridiculous ones that are more for taking off than for comfort; but still, it’s one less thing to think about. He coordinates calls with John and with Catherine to ensure everything will be ready for us to open our doors when we get home.

  We dress somberly for the flight and drive directly to Marie’s home from the airport. There is a memorial tonight, and the funeral is tomorrow. I am able to hold back my tears until we get to her house. Once she pulls me into her arms, I’m lost. She smells like Carmen. I never stood a chance.

  She blatantly observes Jared and kisses both of his cheeks, silently giving her approval. There’s a small group of friends and family members
already here. We circulate slowly, offering our condolences. I slip away after a bit, letting Jared know before I do that I just need a moment to myself. I find myself in her room, staring at the now empty bed.

  It feels like no time has passed from the last time I saw her. An overwhelming sense of gratitude that I was able to see her one last time washes over me. I can’t imagine how heartbroken I would have felt if I hadn’t had that chance. I get how lucky I am to have said goodbye.

  I make my way back to Jared to let him know I’m back before finding Marie and offering to help. She puts me to work arranging some food on the dining room table. Jared comes to keep me company and help until all of the food is out. We stay longer than we planned.

  Marie and Tom sit close together, sweetly holding hands. Jared and I seem to mirror them. I hope for her sake they stop dancing around each other and just move in together. She’s strong, she’s independent, but there’s no reason for either of them to be alone when it’s clear how much they care about one another.

  I wonder if people ever saw Jared and me as a couple. I know Will had his theories when he stayed in the condo last summer. In no time, it will be a year since they reunited. The older I get, the faster time seems to pass. When my eyelids start drooping, Jared says our goodbyes and takes me to the hotel.

  We strip, tired and emotional. We don’t make love but still find our way into each other’s arms. I was never a cuddler before Jared, but now I find myself needing some sort of skin contact with him to sleep. We wake refreshed but still emotionally subdued.

  The cemetery is not far from Marie’s neighborhood. The Arizona sun is brutal despite the early time. There are white tents set up in an effort to block out some of the heat. We stand not far from Marie and Tom. Carmen was Catholic. Her priest speaks briefly about her and what a wonderful woman she was.

  I smile, agreeing with everything he says and once again feeling lucky to have known and loved her. I only wish I hadn’t missed the opportunity to say goodbye to my grandmother. Once her casket is lowered and most of the other attendees have left, we go to say goodbye to Marie.

  She holds me tightly, thanking me for bringing Carmen peace in her final days. I am overwhelmed and feel undeserving of her gratitude. She was the one who made sure Carmen never wanted for anything in the end. I have lost Carmen, and for that I will always be sad, but I can’t help the joy I feel in having the opportunity to meet Marie.

  We part as friends, and I know we will forever remain that way.

  We are back in the air and flying home to Denver that same afternoon. I should be amped up over the studio opening, but I’m not. I’ve devoted so much time and energy to this project in the hope that it would fill a piece of me I felt was missing.

  I’m not sure why, but I feel pulled to New Hampshire.

  I turn to Jared. “Have you given any more thought to what you would like to do with my grandmother’s house?”

  He pulls my hand into his lap, squeezing it. “I told you to stop calling it that. It’s our house now. I’m open to whatever you want to do.”

  I clear my throat. “Would you consider moving there?” I pause. “I know your job, your dad—“

  He cuts me off with a kiss. “Do you want to move to New Hampshire?”

  I blink. “It would be crazy. The studio is about to—“

  He stops me again with a shake of his head. “Sawyer, none of that other stuff matters. Just think about it. Do you want to move there?”

  I bite my lips and nod.

  He leans down to kiss me. “Then we’ll move.”

  “It’s not that simple,” I argue.

  He shrugs. “It can be. You can trust Catherine to run the studio. You know she’d be thrilled with the challenge.”

  He’s right. “Are you serious? You’ll do this?”

  He smiles. “There are mountains there too. It’d probably take more to convince me if it was somewhere like Florida. As long as there’s snow, I’m happy.”

  “Sarah is going to freak out,” I giggle. “But,” I pause, becoming more serious, “there’s something I want to do first.”

  I’m on the farm where Sawyer grew up, in the orchard of trees she used to climb; the place where her parents are buried. We flew to New Hampshire first to meet with the estate attorney. There was one final thing to settle her grandmother’s estate: her remains.

  Not long after Carmen’s funeral, Sawyer started wearing that ring we found in her grandmother’s, well, our house. She wears it as a reminder not to repeat the mistake her grandmother made. Sawyer is so deserving of the love we all have for her. The ring helps remind her not to push people away.

  Sawyer wants to bring her grandmother here so that she’ll rest with Sawyer’s mom and dad. She explained there weren’t any remains of her parents to bury; but she had been so moved by the headstone Beau’s parents got, she considers this place to be their final resting place.

  Sawyer had a matching headstone made for her grandmother to stand beside the one for her mom and dad. Half of her remains will be buried here, the other half back in New Hampshire.

  We’ve started the move but nothing is unpacked yet. The house is so big it will be years before we’ve filled it. For now, we’ve decided just to live on the ground floor. We’ll branch out to the rest of the house in time.

  Today is all about her grandmother. People who love Sawyer have come to support her as she says goodbye to the grandmother she never really knew. Her headstone simply reads:

  We are here today for Sawyer. We are here because we love her and are proud of the person she is. She is here to accept that, though she will never fully understand why her grandmother didn’t tell Sawyer about her condition, she did indeed love her.

  Sawyer has never been very religious. She faces us; momentarily wringing her hands before she straightens her shoulders, and clears her throat.

  “Thank you all for coming today. It means so much to me that you would do that for me. Some of you never even met my grandmother.” She smiles at Sarah, Will, and their parents.

  “Some of you only met her briefly, like me.” She nods toward Bess, Beau and his parents, Lynn and Joe.

  “Without her, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I didn’t understand the choices she made when she made them, but I’ve had the opportunity to understand them better now. I hope she knows, wherever she is, how grateful I am for the sacrifices she made. I only hope she has found peace. I think being near my mom and dad,” she glances up at the blossoming fruit trees behind us, “in this beautiful place, she will be able to rest.”

  We each hold a flower, and once she’s done talking, go one by one to set it in front of her headstone. I wait at the end, with two extra bouquets for her parents’ headstone. Sawyer quirks an eyebrow up at me, but she doesn’t say anything when I don’t lay my flowers down.

  Once everyone starts to head back to the main house, I stop Sawyer, asking her to hang back with me for a minute. I hold her hand, walk back to her parents’ headstone, and move to stand Sawyer beside it.

  I look up and take a deep breath. “Mr. and Mrs. Sterling, I’ve come here today with Sawyer to introduce myself. I’m only sorry I never got a chance to meet you both. The thing is I’m in love with your daughter.”

  I look up, locking eyes with her and see hers filled with tears. I hold my hand out to her, and she tucks herself into my side as we both look down at their gravestone.

  I kiss the top of her pretty, pink head and go on, “I’d like to spend the rest of my life with her.”

  Her mouth drops. “Your daughter is a bit of a rebel. She has mixed feelings about marriage, but I’d like to try and talk her into a commitment ceremony.” I hear her watery giggle beside me. “Thing is I’d like to ask for your blessing.”

  I set the bouquets down gently before reaching out to rest my hand on the cool stone.

  “How will we know if they’ve given you their blessing?” Sawyer asks, looking up at me.

  I give her a tight smile and
pull her hand to my heart. “We’ll know it right here. I swear to you, I will do everything in my power to cherish you for the rest of my life. I love you, Sawyer.”

  She nods, using her hand to brush the tears from her eyes. “I’m sure they’d give you their blessing. I love you too, Jared Keller.”

  One year later

  It’s our not a wedding-wedding day. While fully supportive of anyone else’s desire to have a wedding, Sawyer is weirded out by the whole “our love is defined by a piece of paper” thing. I’m piece of paper neutral. I really don’t care as long as she’s happy.

  This is our happy medium. We’re making an official commitment to each other in front of all of our friends and family. We’re living full time in the New Hampshire house now.

  Sawyer hesitated initially in turning the studio over to Catherine. Once we settled in, our ever growing love for this magical home made our decision to move that much easier. So now, on this thankfully sunny, spring day, in the backyard of the house her father grew up in, we’re making it unofficially, official.

  My dad is the only one still pushing for a traditional marriage. He should know by now my girl is one of a kind. My mom, who is nontraditional in her own right, has been nothing but supportive.

  Sawyer and Sarah planned the whole thing. We aren’t having someone officiate, but Will is standing up with me, and Sarah with Sawyer. The backyard is decorated similar to a wedding setup, with chairs and a wooden vine-covered trellis for us to stand under.

  The trellis is set up right in front of a stone memorial bench for her grandmother. Sawyer never had an opportunity to know her grandmother. For too many years, Sawyer fed into the notion that it was because there was something wrong with herself. We know now that under some misguided fear of hurting her, Sawyer’s grandmother had distanced herself to protect Sawyer.

  Sawyer makes a point to spend time with her grandmother every week. We spread her remaining ashes beneath the bench. Sawyer talks to her, tells her about her day, her hopes and dreams, and bitches about me sometimes. That’s my girl. She can make something beautiful out of sorrow. She’s choosing to make new memories rooted in love.