A Love to Have and to Hold

by Linda Ford

“You might be right,” Flora said. “For me it wasn’t love I feared but loving and losing.” She turned her adoring gaze to Kade. “I had to believe that love was worth whatever it cost.” She looked at Kade. “I would gladly choose a few days of enjoyment with you over many days of loneliness.”

  Victoria leaned forward to get everyone’s attention. “I suppose it was different for me too. I didn’t know who I was because of my amnesia. That made me afraid of both my past and the future. I trusted Reese enough to know he would be there for me no matter what.”

  Walker turned to Eve wondering if she would explain what she had feared. What risk did love require of her?

  She smiled around the table. “I had lost my parents and my brother. Even felt like I lost Flora when she married Kade. I was afraid of love. I was afraid of how easily it could be snatched away. I guess I was a bit like Flora in that sense. But Cole made me realize that love is the end of risks because only in love is my heart safe.”

  The girls all sighed.

  Then they turned to Josie.

  She held up her hands as if to ward off what they meant to say. “I’m quite happy with my life and plans.”

  Victoria smiled. “You are now, but some day you’ll realize what you’re missing.”

  Eve sighed. “Only in love is your heart safe.”

  “Listening to you girls is even more uplifting than going to church,” Cole said, and everyone laughed, the atmosphere lightened.

  They left the table and went outside. They explored the addition and commented on the progress Walker had made.

  “We had a few interruptions,” he said by way of explaining why he hadn’t done more. “First, we had to get the handbills made for the rodeo and then all those cowboys.” He waggled his eyebrows and grinned at Josie.

  “They did not come to see me,” she insisted.

  That brought hoots from the others.

  They went to the corral so Flora could see the horse she had given to her father. “Walker,” she said. “When do you want your horse?”

  “What’s his name?” He knew he sounded wary. Suspicious even.

  Josie told about the horse named Sue, and everyone had a good chuckle.

  “I wish you had warned me.” Flora sounded so regretful that Walker knew the horse had a girlie name.

  “Not Sue?”

  “No, not Sue.”

  “Betty?” He shuddered at the thought.

  “Nope.” She leaned back on the corral fence and waited for him to guess.

  “Mary? Martha?” He guessed six more names, and each time she said no.

  Finally, he tossed his hands in the air. “I give up. Tell me. Put me out of my misery.”

  “Buck.”

  “Buck? That’s a good name. Wait a minute. Why is he called Buck?”

  Flora lifted a shoulder dismissively. “I’ll let you find that out.”

  Kade pulled her to his side. “Stop tormenting the man. Buck’s a good horse. You won’t be disappointed.”

  Walker shrugged. “Whether or not he bucks, I will ride him.”

  Reese clapped him on the back. “Spoken like a true cowboy.”

  A true cowboy. The words echoed in the back of Josie’s mind as she said good-bye to the others. True cowboys were homeless, restless. She had never seen herself happy in the roles her sisters had. But Eve’s words dogged her every thought. Only in love is your heart safe. Josie would like to know that sort of assurance, but what the others didn’t know was how damaging her secrets were. Love would require truth. Truth would destroy love. It was an impossible situation.

  “Let’s walk down by the river,” Walker said. “We should maybe go over the plans for the rodeo in case we’ve missed anything.”

  She could hardly refuse him, so they crossed to the river. They turned away from town and walked in contemplative silence for a time. Her thoughts went over and over what her sisters had said. And for the first time ever, she admitted she wanted what they had.

  But her past would not allow it.

  “I like your sisters,” Walker said, jarring her from her contemplation.

  She chuckled. “I do too. We’re a great bunch.”

  “Yup. I’d have to agree.” He pulled her arm through his. “Funny too. And maybe sometimes…” His voice deepened. “Infuriating.”

  She stopped, jerking him to a halt. “Infuriating? How so?”

  “I’m only guessing here, but I wonder if those three girls didn’t make their husbands work and worry before they married them.”

  Knowing he spoke of the others, she relaxed. “Of course, they did.”

  “Why do you say of course?”

  “Because if a man loves a woman, he should be willing to prove it.”

  “How would a man prove it to you?”

  His blue, probing look had the power to poke holes in her defenses.

  “I suppose a man should be able to overlook flaws.” She swallowed hard. “Forgive the unforgivable, bear the imperfections. See beyond facts to feelings and reasons.” She forced herself to stop before she said more. Even so, she wondered if she’d said too much. Given him reason to have questions about her.

  He drew his finger across her cheek and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  His words were so soft. His touch so gentle that for a moment she couldn’t think past either. Then he began walking, keeping her close to his side.

  They reached a grassy spot where the river widened out.

  “Shall we sit?” he asked.

  She did not refuse even though her insides twitched at how easy it was to agree. She must be careful and not say more than she should. Or worse, let herself care for this man more than was safe.

  He plucked a blade of grass and turned it over and over between his fingers. “I think this is the longest I’ve been without a horse since I was eight years old. That’s when Pa and Uncle Paul gave me a real horse rather than a pony, and I went with them on the roundup.” He grew thoughtful. “Ma said I was too young, but they both said it wasn’t too early to begin learning the ins and outs of the ranch I would someday own.”

  Seeing the sadness in his face, Josie squeezed his arm, startled at the warmth that filled her at the touch. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out.”

  He shrugged and pressed his hand over hers where it lay on his arm. “I suppose it will always hurt. But a man has to move on.” He looked toward the horizon. “This country reminds me a lot of Texas.”

  “You sound surprised.”

  “Montana Territory doesn’t look like Texas.”

  “Then how does it remind you of your former home?”

  He was silent a moment. She could tell he was considering his reply. He faced her as he spoke. “It’s you and your family. I see something there that I lost when the ranch was sold.”

  She tried to think what he meant. “I don’t understand.”

  He gave a self-mocking chuckle. “I’m not sure I do either. But there’s something about you and your family that makes me feel welcome. Makes me feel as if—” He stopped and shook his head.

  She waited a second. “How does it make you feel?”

  He searched her gaze, his look probing deep.

  She let him, not knowing what he sought but certain he would not find it in her. Her heart must remain closed. And yet his gentle searching made the walls creak. Like the city of Jericho in the Bible, she thought with a touch of irony. If he blew a trumpet right now, the walls would crumble. She didn’t mean a real trumpet, of course. In fact, she didn’t know what she meant.

  A slow, heart-stopping smile curved his lips. “It makes me feel like I want to belong, put down roots…” His voice trailed off as if he had said more than he meant.

  Or perhaps was only discovering how he felt as he spoke.

  Her insides quaked. Those words might have been the trumpet sound she feared. And longed for. The walls were about to crumble. Just in time, he chuckled and turned back to studying
the landscape. She sucked in a strengthening breath, feeling as if she had jerked back from a frightening precipice.

  “It’s beautiful country. The mountains. The rolling grassy hills. An abundance of water. Great cattle country.”

  She gladly changed the subject. While she still had the will to do so. “I wasn’t eager to move west. To me, Ohio was where I belonged. There were more people. More ladies willing to pay for my services as a seamstress. I know it will take more time and work to build up enough customers here.”

  “So, you regret the move?”

  Her smile was from her heart. “Not at all. I have come to enjoy the mountains. They speak to me of strength and shelter. Like the Bible verse, ‘As the mountains are round about Jerusalem, so the Lord is round about his people from henceforth even for ever.’ What can be more reassuring than to know that God surrounds us with His love?”

  “Your faith is strong.”

  She chuckled. “Pa and Ma have taught me the peace of putting my faith in God.” She turned her head to study Walker. “How would you describe your faith?”

  He rested his cheek on his drawn-up knee, his face very close to where their hands lay. If anyone watched them, she would have withdrawn her hand, but they were alone, and she saw no reason to break the contact and perhaps end the way they were opening up to each other.

  “I might have lost my faith if not for my ma. She believed so deeply, even in her last months of pain. More than once, I railed against a God who would let her suffer like that. Every time I did, she would make me sit by her bed and listen to her. ‘Should we only accept ease and comfort from God?’ she’d say. ‘Who is to say if the hard things we face are not what makes us into beautiful creations for God’s glory?’”

  “That’s a lovely way of looking at it. I think your mother must have been one of those beautiful creations.”

  “She was. She often quoted a verse from Job. ‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.’ She said that was her goal.” He seemed lost in his thoughts. “Not only did she make me promise to find Uncle Paul and talk to him, she made me promise to hold tight to my faith. She said I would no doubt encounter disappointments in my life, challenges beyond my ability to cope, but God would never fail to guide me.”

  Josie’s throat tightened. “You have a wonderful heritage.” The words sounded husky.

  “I do, don’t I?” He squeezed her hand. “So, do you.”

  “With the Kinsleys, yes.” The walls around her heart cracked and shook. It was on the tip of her tongue to say her previous life had left her a heritage of shame and regret. But she could not let those words escape. She pulled her hand to her lap.

  He slowly turned his face away, leaving her feeling bereft. However, when he didn’t shift away or get to his feet, she pulled the comfort of his presence around her.

  He pointed out the shape of the clouds and how the setting sun draped them in gold. They watched the banners of color fill the western sky. The draws in the distant mountains grew indigo in color.

  “My ma always said God delights in filling the world with beauty,” he said, his tone reverent.

  “My ma used to say that when the sun sets, chickens know enough to go to roost, and people should know enough to go to bed.” Josie chuckled. “Of course, she only said that when we girls didn’t want to settle down at night.”

  Walker laughed and got to his feet. He held out a hand to help her up. “We better go back before she has reason to scold us for being dumber than chickens.”

  He held her hand as they returned home, and she let him, even though a corner of her heart, behind her protective walls, reminded her that if she let herself grow too fond of this cowboy, she wouldn’t be able to keep her secrets locked away.

  She pulled her hand from his, hoping he would think it was because they had reached the house. “Good night,” she said.

  “Good night. Sleep well.” He waited at the doorway until she stepped inside.

  Not until she had retired to bed, did she realize they had not once talked about the rodeo.

  They’d have to do that tomorrow.

  She ignored the way her heartbeat picked up pace at the idea of another evening spent in Walker’s company. The next time she would make sure they restricted the conversation to rodeo plans, and she would keep her hands locked together at her waist.

  Chapter 12

  Walker lay on his cot, his hands behind his head as he went over the day. Like he’d told Josie, he enjoyed her family. And more…a sense of home. He grinned. No doubt his enjoyment had something to do with the many hours he spent in Josie’s company. Although she held back as if not willing to trust him, she also reached out to him. Her hand had offered comfort and something more, though he wasn’t prepared to say what that was.

  For now, he was content to spend as much time with her as possible and learn as much as he could.

  Over the next few days, they fell into a pattern. He worked on the cupboards and shelves in the addition. Josie kept busy with helping with housework, laundry, and the gardening.

  “The beans are coming on,” she told him, and he watched as she, her mother, and Stella picked bushels of them and then steamed up the inside of the house canning them.

  At the end of their work, Josie wiped her brow and looked at the many jars cooling on the cupboard. “It always pleasures me to see the cellar shelves fill up with winter supplies.”

  In the evenings, despite how hard she’d worked all day, she sat outside and sewed. He’d hoped they could walk along the river again, but she was too busy.

  One evening she finished the dress and held it up for him to look at.

  He didn’t know much about ladies’ garments, but the dress looked good and he said so.

  “I’m trying to decide what color to make the cowboy shirt,” she said.

  Walker sat down beside her. “For fancy shirts, it seems to me the cowboys like something bright. Red or blue.”

  Josie had paper and pencil and sketched out an idea for a shirt. “What do you think of this?”

  He examined the drawing. “I’ve seen them with bigger yokes and shiny buttons holding the yokes in place.”

  She returned her attention to the paper and sketched a few lines then handed it back to him. The yoke went almost to the waist and big buttons adorned it. She giggled, and he understood she meant to tease him.

  “This is great.”

  “Really? Rather peacockish, isn’t it?”

  “Young cowboys are usually peacockish.”

  They both laughed.

  “Of course, you could offer to make each shirt to order, so no young peacock would have a shirt like another young peacock.”

  “Good idea.” She returned to the paper. Soon she had sketches of a dozen shirts. The yokes varied in size and shape. For some she had made the yoke patterned. She handed the paper to him and waited for his approval.

  He nodded. “You’re rather good at this. I think you won’t need rich, fancy-dressed women. You’ll get all the business you need from fancy-dressed cowboys.”

  “If I do it is thanks to your help.”

  The next few days he watched her cut out a shirt in a bright blue color.

  “Some cowboy is going to think he’s pretty special in that shirt,” he said as she sat outside sewing the seams.

  “There haven’t been many cowboys coming by to sign up for the rodeo lately.”

  Only four had been by during the week. “Wait until Saturday.”

  His prediction was right. On Saturday, a steady stream of men came to the door to pay to enter events.

  And then it was Sunday again. Josie would not be sewing today or picking beans. Though she would likely be visiting with her family.

  But neither Eve nor Victoria and their husbands came to church.

  “Sometimes there are reasons they can’t be away so long,” Josie said.

  Flora and Kade were there but hurried away as soon as they’d eaten dinner, saying they’d seen signs of co
yotes hanging about and didn’t want to leave the place for long.

  Walker and Josie were alone. “Shall we walk?” he asked.

  “I suppose we need to go over plans for the rodeo. I can’t believe it is only a few days away. Do we have everything in order?”

  “Let’s check on the corrals.” Side by side, they made their way to the edge of town where sturdy corrals had been previously built near the railway tracks. There were three pens. “Perfect. The stock can go into those two pens. The events can take place in this one. There’s plenty of room for people to sit and watch. Someone has even built some benches.” Three rows of them were on one side of the corrals. He was excited for the day. A rodeo was always great entertainment. But he was also sad. After this, he would have no reason to stay. He didn’t know which emotion was strongest. Before he could decide, young Jimmy raced to them.

  “Mickey and me built those benches. Don’cha think that’s a good idea?”

  “It’s a great idea,” Walker said.

  “I can hardly wait for next Saturday.” The boy rocked back and forth. “It’s all anybody talks about. Ma says we are going to get lots of books from the money raised. She says boys and girls and grownups too, need books. Says it helps us be better ed’cated.”

  Jimmy climbed the fence and studied the inside of the pen. “Sure hope it don’t rain.” He jumped down and trotted off.

  “Rain?” Josie’s face wrinkled with worry. “What will we do if it does?”

  “I don’t know. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

  She snorted. “A bridge, you say. How much rain are you anticipating?”

  He chuckled at the way her eyes sparkled as she turned his saying into a dire prediction. “We could always change to water events.”

  She laughed. “Instead, let’s pray for good weather.”

  He pulled her arm through his. “In the meantime, let’s enjoy the sunshine.”

  They meandered down the street and eventually reached the river. A bench sat on the bank, practically begging them to sit there. They didn’t argue with the invitation.

  In the hours they’d spent together over the past week, Walker had grown more and more comfortable in her presence. He felt safe enough that he’d told her about different events on the Texas ranch.