Independent Jenny

by Sarah Louise Smith

  “I’m sorry. There’s never any excuse for cheating once, let alone over and over.”

  I nodded and we walked on.

  “His brother, Aiden, told me he loves me, so that was another bombshell.”

  I don’t know why I told him this but he turned suddenly to look at me again.

  “Whoa, that’s a bit much. Seems a bit unfair to lay that on you when you’re going through everything with his brother.”

  “I hadn’t thought of it like that.”

  “Do you love him? Aiden I mean?”

  There was a large rock nearby so I gestured that we sat for a moment. I looked at Will and saw the expectation in his eyes. He was taking more than a friendly interest, or was I just imagining that?

  “I don’t know. I’m attracted to him. I like the way he makes me feel.”

  “He makes you feel special when you’ve just been humiliated. That’s natural.”

  “That’s what my friends said. How am I supposed to know if I actually like him that way, or if it’s just that I like feeling wanted?”

  “It’s a tough one. I still think he could’ve waited until you’d figured it out one way or the other with his brother first.”

  “So what would you do?”

  “I’d tell them both goodbye. Figure out what’s best for you, get some Jenny time.”

  “The idea of being single is kind of terrifying,” I admitted. “I haven’t really ever been alone as an adult.”

  “You met Ross quite young then?”

  I nodded. “First year of uni.”

  “Well, then enjoy being free for a while and figure out what you want. That’s my advice anyhow, but if you love your husband, then who am I to say you can’t work it out?”

  “That’s the thing. I’m not sure if I love him or not. When I think about our marriage, I sometimes wonder how I could have gone on for so long like we were. It wasn’t really a loving relationship anymore. Sometimes I think he’s done us both a massive favour.”

  “That’s what I meant about the relief with Mandy. It’d give me an excuse to call it off.”

  “You don’t need an excuse.”

  He shrugged. “I feel like I do.”

  “Don’t be a coward, Will.”

  He looked at me, surprised at my frankness. “If you don’t love her anymore, end it. Life’s too short. Just my opinion, sorry.”

  He sighed.

  “No. You’re right. I just feel sad about it. I might not love her but we still have the history.”

  “I know that feeling.”

  We were sitting close and I turned to look at him. He blushed and I reached for his hand and squeezed it.

  “What a pair we make, eh?”

  He looked at me and I recognised the look from way back on the swing in Hayley’s parent’s garden. I had to make a quick decision; did I let him kiss me or not? I wanted him to, desperately, but the husband and wife we both had, albeit hundreds of miles away, were buzzing in my head, putting up a wall between us. I felt one of the dogs nudging my leg and we both looked away and moved slightly apart. Fern was looking up at us.

  “Ah, she’s so cute,” I said, patting her head.

  “I’m glad we met again,” he said, “I could use a friend right now and I think you could too.”

  Friends. Hearing you loud and clear, Will.

  “Me too.” I smiled.

  “So what now?” Will said, looking down at Fern.

  “Now we walk,” I told him. We got up and walked some more, talking about the purple heather at our feet, about the views we could see, about our dogs and our jobs … I took photos while he batted away the midges who seemed to descend the minute we stopped walking.

  For those few hours, it felt like the rest of the world had disappeared. A happy kind of daze I hadn’t felt for a long time washed over me, and I had fun. Simple, light-hearted fun.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  After our walk, Will and I went back to the cottage and I pulled the ingredients I’d bought from home out on the counter and started to make chilli con carne. Will offered to help and chopped the chillies, garlic and onions while I prepared the meat.

  Will scooped the contents together. “Into the pan?”

  “Yes please. Thank you for helping.”

  “No problem at all. I like chopping vegetables for some reason. I find it kind of relaxing.”

  I smiled at him and stirred the ingredients in the pan. The cottage had limited cooking utensils and a pot that looked like the food would stick immediately, so I kept stirring while Will opened some kidney beans and tinned tomatoes, threw them in, then prepared the rice.

  “So I guess this week hasn’t exactly panned out how you thought it would? Girly holiday gone wrong, huh?”

  “I guess so. I knew Hayley didn’t want to go walking all day, but I thought she’d tag along for my sake, then we’d have hearty dinners, drink wine, have a giggle.”

  “Did she come here solely to look for Guy?”

  “Honestly? Yes. It’s not her sort of holiday at all, and I was surprised when she suggested it.”

  “She must have thought about him a lot over the years.”

  “I guess so, she never mentioned him until recently.”

  “Did you ever think of me?”

  “Yes, of course. Did you think of me?”

  “All the time.”

  He kept saying these lovely words; words that inflated my ego; words that made my chest flutter. How often did he think of me? I wanted to know but I didn’t want to ask. I thought of him when I saw two teenagers snogging or heard a song we used to listen to, or someone said something about their ‘first time’. But if I was honest, I didn’t think of him often. I’d moved on pretty quickly and hadn’t really considered him much. Until now, of course.

  When dinner was ready, we sat down together at the little pine table with a glass of red wine each.

  “This is delicious,” Will said, tucking into his.

  “Thanks. It was a joint effort.”

  “Nah, it’s more you – I just did what you told me. You were always good in the kitchen. I remember you making us pasta a few times. And fish finger sandwiches. You were always so bubbly and fun.”

  “And you were so shy back then, such a quiet thing up until that day in Hayley’s garden.”

  “Always fancied you, you see. First time I met you, I thought you were so pretty, you were all I could think about.”

  Aw, why hadn’t I realised that at the time? My happy hormones danced around in my chest.

  “That’s sweet. Thank you. I bet you say that to all your ex-high-school-girlfriends.”

  “You were the only one and you know it.”

  “I had no idea you fancied me though. Until that moment on the swing.”

  “That was by far the coolest and smoothest move I’ve ever made. Only took me, what, two, three years to do it?”

  I laughed. “I remember thinking you were a better kisser than the other boys I’d kissed thus far.”

  “A compliment indeed, better kisser than Lee Reynolds, I’m chuffed with that.”

  I laughed. “He was a terrible kisser and I only kissed him once, during a game of truth or dare.”

  “I know, and I was jealous as hell.”

  I blushed. I hadn’t really known that he’d liked me for a while before that night we got together. Ah, that night … what a night.

  “Do you remember that night well? On the swing, and the first time we…?” I asked.

  “How could I forget?”

  “Well, it was over pretty quick, in all fairness,” I teased.

  “Yeah well, it lasted longer the next time.”

  I blushed, remembering the times we spent in his old bedroom, practising and experimenting. I wondered what it’d be like now and quickly got up to pour us more wine.

  “So I was number one, what number is Mandy?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “How many have you slept with?”

&n
bsp; “That’s a bit personal.” He gave a mock-shocked face.

  “You’ve seen me naked. We can be honest about everything surely?”

  He laughed and I wondered if he was now picturing me naked. I was pretty sure the current version wouldn’t look quite as good as the seventeen-year-old version. More saggy bits. Bigger bits in general.

  Was it the alcohol induced fuzz, or was he even more attractive by twilight? I turned on a lamp and cleared away the plates. He came over to the sink to help me do the dishes.

  “Well, there was you. Then a few girls at university, but no serious girlfriends, just a few short-term things that lasted a month or so.”

  “Really? I imagined you having a serious girlfriend.”

  “Truth? I was still hung up about you.”

  “Seriously?” I couldn’t believe it. I’d had no idea how much he felt for me.

  “Yeah, well, no girl matched up for quite some time.”

  “Aw, that’s sweet. Glad I left an impression,” I said, feeling the heat on my cheeks. “Okay, so … how many is that?”

  “By the time I met Mandy, which was the first year I was working as a vet, I’d slept with five women.”

  “Well, that’s a fair number. Not a slut, but not too dull.”

  He laughed. “Thanks, I’m glad you approve.”

  “For me, it’s just been you two.”

  “Wow,” he said, “I can’t believe our teen romps are 50% of your sexual experience.”

  I giggled and whipped him with a tea towel. We sat on the sofa and drank more wine, chatting in the way that only old friends with a fun history can.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  The more the evening went on, the more we giggled. I surprised myself by realising I was having more fun with Will than I probably would have had with Hayley. She’d have moaned about the walking, and would have been shattered each evening from the exertion. Back home we were great friends because we saw each other in small doses, but this holiday served to remind me how different we were when it came to choosing how to spend our free time.

  “You want to know something sad?” I asked after a while of superficial chatting about Skye and the cottage and our dogs.

  “What?”

  “I’ve probably done it more times with you, than with Ross.”

  Why did I keep returning to talk about our previous sexual relations? Even with the wine in me, I knew having sex again was unlikely and not a great idea, yet here I was bringing it up.

  “No, you were together eight years. Surely not?”

  “Okay,” I admitted, “maybe not.”

  He laughed. “It’s been fun, seeing you again.”

  The sofa was small, only a two-seater. I turned to look at him and our faces were alarmingly close again. I swallowed and then looked away. “More wine?”

  A few hours later we were laughing at everything: Fern and Wentworth, our crazy teen experiences, even the bad state of our respective marriages seemed hilarious. I hadn’t laughed this much in weeks, maybe even months.

  “I mean, how could I think we should get married when we couldn’t even agree on where to go on honeymoon? We’re too different!” Will laughed like it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard.

  “We had the same problem, how funny!” I said, giggling. Ross had wanted to go somewhere hot, lie on a beach; I wanted to go hiking somewhere with an amazing view. He’d won, of course. “I always let him have his way,” I said, shaking my head. “Maybe that’s where I went wrong; I was a pushover and so he walked all over me.”

  Will stopped laughing and looked at me seriously. “I gave in, too. We went to Cyprus and lay on a beach all week. My preference was the south of France, I fancied going to Saint Tropez or Nice, eating cheese and drinking wine.”

  “Oh my god, I would love that.”

  “Me too.”

  “Let’s make a pact to go there together if our marriages don’t work out. Just as friends, of course.”

  He looked at me and grinned.

  “Sounds great. As friends, of course.”

  We smiled at each other. The same goofy teen smiles we’d given each other way back in the day, when we weren’t married to other people or living hundreds of miles apart, when we had no responsibilities and life was simple. Being a teenager is so simple and yet you don’t realise or appreciate it at the time.

  About the same time that Will announced we’d drunk all the wine in the cottage, I realised we hadn’t heard anything from Hayley. Annoyed and concerned, I found my phone and sent her a text asking if she was okay.

  “I suppose I’d better ask Guy to come collect me,” Will said, glancing at his watch. He looked disappointed.

  My phone beeped to alert me of a new text message. It was from Hayley.

  So sorry I haven’t been in touch… Don’t judge but I’m going to stay the night. Nothing funny going on, honestly, just knackered and we’ve had a few drinks. Are you going to drop Will off, it’s late? Is something going on with you two? xx

  I read it out to Will, and we both burst out laughing again.

  “I reckon they’re getting naked,” Will said, smiling after we calmed down.

  I almost replied with, “As should we, don’t you think?” but stopped myself just in time.

  “You want to stay the night?”

  He looked alarmed for a second.

  “In Hayley’s room, I mean” I felt myself deflate as the sensible part of me that added that last bit.

  “If you don’t mind, I guess that would work. The bed must be comfier.”

  “Well, I can’t drive you home and I doubt Guy is going to stop screwing Hayley to come get you.”

  We both laughed again, but it seemed false this time. We texted them to communicate the plan and then sat back on the sofa. I felt myself sober up a bit as I faced the reality of us spending the night together, albeit in different rooms.

  “So…” Will said, shifting nervously.

  “So…”

  “Do you think you’re going to go back and say you want a divorce, or you want to give it another go?”

  “The more I think about it, the more I think I’m going to end it. What about you?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You said you don’t love her, so why would you stay together?”

  “Because I made a vow, and I don’t want to go back on my word.”

  “What do you think she’s doing right now?”

  “Same as you.”

  “Getting drunk with her ex-boyfriend?”

  “Contemplating whether she wants to be with her husband or not.”

  “I think I’m done contemplating.”

  “What about the brother-in-law?”

  “Oh, I don’t know about him. He’s lovely. Really, really lovely. But I didn’t find him attractive until after things went wrong with Ross, so that’s the confusing bit.”

  “You know what?”

  “What?”

  “Let’s make a promise to not talk about our messed up loved lives the rest of this week. It looks as if you’ve lost Hayley to the farm so how about we hang out together, enjoy the hills and views and get the space we came here for, instead of agonising about what we’ll do when we get home.”

  I smiled. “Sounds like a great idea.”

  “Wow, that feels kind of liberating.”

  “It sure does. Want a cup of hot chocolate?”

  “Yes!” He got up to help me as I put the kettle on. “You remember bonfire night? The marshmallows and hot chocolate?” He passed me some mugs.

  “Best hot chocolate I’ve ever had. And I remember kissing under that tree while we huddled together to keep warm.”

  He stopped and looked at me and I looked right back and it took all myself restraint not to wrap my arms around his neck and re-enact that kiss. I wasn’t sure if it was rose-tinted glasses coupled with red wine haze, or fact; but now that I thought about it, that’d been one of the best kisses of my life.

  “You w
ant milk in it?” Will said suddenly, spinning away from me and opening the fridge.

  Fern and Wentworth were both hovering in the hall.

  “Yes please. I’ll let the dogs out while you fix the drinks.”

  The air outside was cool and I pulled my jacket around me while the dogs wandered off to find somewhere to do their business. I knocked on the kitchen window and waved at Will and he grinned back at me. I turned back to the view, looking out at the few lights on the horizon and deciding I’d keep my pact not to talk or think about Ross while I was here. I felt relieved at the prospect.

  I decided I’d go in, have the hot chocolate, then we’d go to bed – separately – and continue with the week like he said; helping each other out as friends to get some space. No worrying about home, no flirting if possible, and no more talk about our past, either. I thought Hayley had been crazy expecting to pick up with Guy again and yet here I was, doing the same thing with Will. And we hadn’t been as close a couple as they had, even back then.

  I called the dogs over and we went back inside, where Will had taken off his jumper and was sitting down on the sofa with the hot chocolates. Wow, he looked good. No, no, no, I told myself. Friends only.

  We drank our drinks, washed up the cups, and then I said:

  “Right, well then, good night.”

  “Good night Jenny,” he said. “I had fun today, thank you.”

  “Me too.”

  “Hug?”

  He held out his arms and I wrapped mine around his torso. He smelled divine; a mixture of aftershave, a light sweaty masculine odour and sweet red wine. We hugged longer than friends would – friends who didn’t know each other really anymore, at that – and I pulled apart begrudgingly and turned away without looking him in the eye. I was pretty sure I’d give in and go for a kiss if I looked directly at him again, which would either end with us in bed together, which seemed grossly unfair on Mandy, and maybe even Ross, would open a can of worms, potentially ruin the rest of my week … or, he’d shake me off, tell him I’d read the whole situation wrong, he didn’t find me attractive at all and I’d be left humiliated, disappointed, and feeling awkward as he couldn’t very well leave in the middle of the night after plenty of alcohol.