Independent Jenny

by Sarah Louise Smith

  We said our good nights, and as soon as we got in the car she starting talking quickly.

  “Don’t judge me, Jenny. We’re just friends, nothing happened, I just love being in his company and catching up. Please don’t give me the lecture I know you want to give.”

  So I bit my tongue and instead we talked about the dogs and the farm and avoided discussing the men we were both thinking about.

  I read Ross’ text again and then put my phone down and stared out at the view, trying to clear my head and push him from my mind. Hayley came out after a while with a bacon sandwich and sat beside me. “Hey,” she said, grinning. “What a beautiful day.”

  I looked out at the stunning view. I could never get tired of seeing that every morning.

  “Just as well. I don’t think you’d enjoy walking in the rain today.”

  “Who does enjoy walking in the rain?” she asked, frowning.

  I shrugged. I preferred sunshine but the rain didn’t bother me, Shane and I still took our dogs out every day no matter the weather. But I knew better than to point this out.

  “I love it here,” she declared. Funny, how she loved it now that Guy was single and handsome as ever. She didn’t seem that impressed before we’d seen him.

  “Me too,” I said, smiling. After she’d eaten we both went in to get ready. It took me just half an hour and then I sat on the bench outside reading, while she spent an age grooming, doing her hair and make-up and deciding what to wear.

  I couldn’t concentrate on my book and ended up wondering what Aiden was doing at that moment. My hormones were all over the place; I was thinking about him one moment, then Will the next, then a fleeting thought would pass through about Ross. Then I’d go back to my book, then look out at the view again.

  My instincts told me to go home, end it with Ross, and go on a date with Aiden. He loved me. He loved me more than Ross, or he showed it better at least. But then when I thought of Ross, I somehow couldn’t bear to hurt him. I thought about all the good times, happy memories that couldn’t be erased, and didn’t feel I could immediately start up with his brother just like that.

  Then there was Will, I knew it was wrong to be attracted to him but he was so cute, and so easy to talk to. And when I was with him, I wasn’t worrying about all the crap going on over six hundred miles away back home.

  The sound of a car engine broke my train of thought and I turned to see Guy’s Land Rover drive through the open gate and into our little courtyard. I closed my book and got up to greet them and their dogs. Both Will and Guy seemed uneasy, with awkward smiles and formal hellos, and I wasn’t sure why. Had they been arguing in the car?

  We talked about the view and the cottage and then Hayley finally appeared, dressed like she was out for a romantic date rather than a ramble around the wilds of Scotland, but Guy seemed exceptionally happy to see her and we all climbed into his car and set off down the track. Hayley started talking, easing the atmosphere and we all seemed to relax a bit.

  “Hey, what’s that?” I said, pointing to a large bird up ahead on a fence post.

  “Looks like an eagle,” Will told me.

  Hayley picked up her phone, disinterested.

  “Can we drive by slowly so I can try and get a photo?”

  “Sure,” Guy said, slowing the car right down. We came to a stop right beside the eagle, sitting on his perch looking majestic. He had something small in his beak, maybe a shrew or a mouse, and he looked right at me, posing for my photo. I took a few shots and then he flew off.

  “Can’t wait to see those. Wasn’t he beautiful?” Will said, grinning.

  I sat back, pleased with my shots and wondering what other wildlife I might be able to spot while I was here. If nothing else, I’d like to photograph some sheep.

  Guy drove us to The Quiraing, a jagged, hilly, stunning landscape not that far from our cottage. We all jumped out and started walking along a well trodden path, Bono running up ahead while Wentworth and Fern kept close by. I felt like a nervous parent whenever Wentworth looked over the edge and down into the valley below.

  I kept stopping to take photographs and Will would wait with me, so pretty soon Hayley and Guy were well ahead of us and out of earshot.

  “I love it here, it’s my favourite place on Skye,” Will told me. “I used to come with my dad when we first moved up here.”

  “It’s so beautiful. Sorry we’re getting left behind. You go on with those two if you like.”

  “I think they’re quite happy for us to let them walk off alone,” Will said, looking at them in the distance. Well, that was true but I hadn’t really wanted Hayley to keep being alone with Guy; it could only cause more problems.

  “Something wrong with that? Don’t you approve?”

  “Why do you ask that?”

  “You just pulled a face.”

  I shrugged. A part of me wanted to tell Guy about Kieran and what Hayley was doing, but I knew she’d never forgive me.

  “It’s nothing to do with me, but we’re only here for a few more days, that’s all.”

  “Yeah, that’s true.”

  We carried on walking.

  “So, is the cottage comfy? Did you sleep well?”

  “It’s quite cosy, yes. How about you? Do you sleep in your old bedroom when you visit Guy?”

  “Yes, a lumpy old bed. The same bed you knew actually.”

  I felt myself blush. Was it appropriate to be talking to me about our times in bed together when he was married? How would his wife feel about that?

  “Wow, that is old.”

  “Yup. Still, I’m just visiting for a few days, I’ll cope.”

  “So how come you’re here?”

  “I was just … things were tough, back home and Guy suggested I get away for a few days. I’d already planned a week out, so work was covered. Thought I’d come and clear my head.”

  “Huh, me too. I mean, I came here to clear my head.”

  “Well, it’s a pretty good place to get some distance, plenty of time to think while you’re walking in the hills.”

  “So what’s your wife doing while you’re here?”

  His reaction to my mentioning his wife was instant. His shoulder dropped, his face grew cold, his eyes looked down at the path instead of at me.

  “Nothing much,” he said. “Hey, there’s a good view behind us if you want to take a photo.”

  I turned and raised my camera. It really was 360 degrees of amazing around here.

  So, his wife had hurt him. Maybe as badly as Ross had hurt me. Perhaps we could have wild, passionate revenge sex to get back at them both. Preferably in the cottage as I had no intention on revisiting that old single bed of his.

  We kept meandering along, talking about photography mostly. Will was really encouraging and patient while I tried different angles, like crouching down or lying on the grass to get a different perspective. I was pretty pleased with the photos I’d taken and by the time we caught up with Hayley and Guy, they were sitting on a grassy slope, pulling picnic food out of Guy’s bag.

  Hayley looked worn out. Her hair was windswept; I was pretty sure mine was too but I didn’t care and I knew she would; her cheeks were red from the exercise. She had mud splattered up her designer jeans and she looked uncomfortable sitting on the grass, but she was smiling and obviously completely falling in love with Guy all over again. I didn’t see how this could end well. She was going to get hurt, and so was Kieran, and probably Guy, too. She’d never want to live up here, or on a farm anywhere. There was nowhere for this to go and I intended on telling her so just as soon as we were alone again.

  Will asked Hayley about her job and she told them both about the restaurant she managed and how passionate she was about the place she worked at. We tucked into the variety of snacks the men had bought along, including some homemade pork pies from one of their neighbours, and some pre-packed snacks from the Co-op. I’d worked up quite an appetite and was quite happy munching away until Guy said:

 
; “So, you ladies both single then? No serious relationships going on?”

  Hayley and I exchanged glances. Neither of us wanted to talk about our men back home, least of all her, I was pretty sure.

  “For me, it’s complicated,” I told them. “But I consider myself single right now, I guess.”

  “You guess? Huh,” Guy said, smiling at me and glancing at Will. “That does sound complicated. And you, Hayley?”

  Surely he didn’t think that she’d have someone after all the obvious flirting? She hesitated, and he saw that and looked down at the blanket beneath us.

  “I’m single too,” she said, and I looked up at her in shock. Kieran didn’t deserve this. I felt myself get warm with anger and gave her my best glare but she wouldn’t look at me.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  We continued to walk for most of the afternoon, Hayley and Guy off in their little bubble, Will and I much slower as I continued taking photos. We fell into easy conversation, talking about everything from our history together to the wildlife around us, and somehow skipping over anything to do with our current love lives. Every time he looked at me a little bolt zapped through my chest.

  Back at Guy’s house, Will, Hayley and I sat at the dining table peeling vegetables while he prepared us a luscious-smelling chicken stew with dumplings.

  “I didn’t realise you could cook!” Hayley said as the smells started drifting around the kitchen.

  “It’s kind of necessary living out here,” Guy explained. “There’s no takeaway or anything like that. Anyway, after a long hard day it’s nice to come home and have a good meal.”

  “I totally agree,” she said, swooning. I’d decided throughout the day that they definitely had nothing in common. I know opposites can attract but this was ridiculous. He lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere. His life was a world apart from Hayley’s, with her fashion label shopping, her restaurant visits, and so on. She’d rather sit at home watching Strictly Come Dancing any day than go for a long walk or get muddy in a field full of sheep.

  Yet in all our years of friendship, I’d only ever seen her like this around him. It was true that, even if on paper Kieran was the best man for her, anyone could see that she was madly in love with Guy, and I was torn between being angry and being happy for her, despite the whole predicament she was in.

  “So you girls have four more days here, right? What’re your plans?” Will asked.

  “More walking for me,” I said, glancing at Hayley.

  “Can’t you come out with us again tomorrow?” she asked, looking at Guy.

  “I’ve got to get back to work tomorrow, too much to do around here,” he told her. He looked disappointed which just encouraged her even more.

  “Well, we could help?”

  “No offence but I didn’t come for a working holiday,” I protested. How dare she offer for me to spend my time working on the farm when I’d come to get away from it all?

  “Well, you and I could go off walking. I was planning to do that, anyway. Fern will be happy if Wentworth joins us.” Will offered.

  “That sounds nice, thank you. They do seem to be in love.” I gestured to them, spooning on the floor, fast asleep. It was getting dark and hard to tell where Fern ended and Wentworth began.

  Dinner was delicious and the company was nice, too. And, against my better judgement, the plan for the following day was set. Guy drove us home, and while I was having a wee, Hayley told me through the bathroom door that she was worn out and going to bed. By the time I peered in her doorway ready to tell her off about all the lies and ask her where this was going, she was asleep. I decided to let her rest and save my lecture for the morning.

  I couldn’t sleep that night. All I could think about was Ross, and I didn’t know why but he just popped into my head and I couldn’t get him out again. I thought about the romantic first date we’d had, I thought about his proposal, and I thought about our wedding day. I’d been so sure then that he was the one for me, and that this was it forever. How could I have been so wrong? And how could those feelings, which I believed at the time we shared mutually, have gone just like that?

  I suddenly yearned to return home and just lie in his arms and forget all this nonsense. Wouldn’t it be easier if I could just erase the cheating from my mind, forget Aiden, forget Will, forget it all? Life had been so simple just a month ago. I’d been totally ignorant of the state of my marriage. I didn’t feel rejected and disappointed and frustrated … I’d just felt normal, and settled and thought everything was fine, even if it wasn’t. Ignorance really was bliss.

  But now, I didn’t want fine. I wanted great. I wanted the spark I felt with Will, and the passion I had in that moment with Aiden, to last. Wouldn’t being with either of them, putting all the potential politics to one side, end up just like it was with Ross? Great at first, but resulting in boring, mundane, settling because it was expected?

  And if that was the case, why break everything up with Ross? Why not just go back to that right now. Surely that’d be easier than breaking up our home, all the hurt and logistics and telling everyone … surely we could just fall back into our routine and all these hormones and crushes could be put into the past, locked away forever.

  Still, I closed my eyes and pictured Will smiling at me up on The Quairaing and then imagined he was here in this bed with me, holding me and talking about our dogs, about Skye, about my photos.

  The next morning I woke up at 9am feeling quite rested and yet nowhere nearer to knowing how I felt about anything, or what I wanted when I got home. It was Wednesday already, half way through the week. I got up and, still in my pyjamas, went through to the living room. To my utter surprise, Will was sitting on the sofa reading a book with Fern cuddled up on one side of him and Wentworth on the other.

  “Good morning!” he said, smiling happily.

  “Oh, hello! What’re you doing here?”

  “Guy dropped me off and collected Hayley about an hour ago. I thought I’d let you sleep.”

  So she’d escaped without my lecture this morning too, that cunning minx. She knew it was all wrong and she didn’t want to hear it from me. Well, fine. Let her ruin her life on her own. So much for our girly holiday.

  I got ready quickly and Will and I headed out in my car to yet another beautiful part of Skye and begun walking, the dogs running along happily in front, their romance blossoming. I took some comfort in the fact that although I may end up alone after all of this, I’d still have Wentworth.

  “So, can I tell you something?” I said after a few moments silence between small talk.

  “Sure.”

  “I’m married and two weeks ago my husband told me he cheated on me. So I kind of ran away here to sort my head out and work out what I’m going to do.”

  He stopped walking, turned to look at me and his mouth fell open. “Married?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why didn’t you say before?”

  “I guess I didn’t want to talk about it.”

  He nodded and we carried on.

  “How long have you been married?”

  “Five years. We’ve been together for eight.”

  “And he cheated on you?”

  “Several times.”

  “Wow. That sucks, I’m sorry Jenny. So are you going to forgive him?”

  “I don’t think so. Sometimes I’m hurt and angry, other times I think I could forgive him. What would you do?”

  “This is going to sound crazy…”

  “Okay…”

  “But I think I’d be relieved if Mandy cheated on me.”

  “Mandy’s your wife?”

  He nodded.

  “Relieved? How so?”

  “We’ve been growing apart for a long time. This week is supposed to be a week apart to see how we both feel, see if we miss each other.”

  My heart was beating faster.

  “And do you? Miss her, I mean?” I asked too quickly.

  “Not really. I sometimes wonder wh
y we were ever together. We fight, a lot.”

  “I guess people change, grow apart.”

  “Guess so.”

  “Did you ever think life, marriage would be this hard? Back when we were seventeen, I just figured I’d find someone, marry them, live happily ever after.”

  “Me too. I thought I’d marry you, actually.”

  He looked at me and I looked right back. I realised I was holding my breath and exhaled.

  “Really?”

  He laughed. “Yeah, young love and all that. I was naive, didn’t know much about life, or love, back then.”

  “Who does at that age, I guess.”

  “Although Mandy and I both know it’s pretty much over, there’s no logical reason to break up. Neither of us have met someone else. So I guess we’ve just been trying to patch it up, figure it out, somehow, but it’s not getting any better. Despite all that, I can’t quite imagine being without her, you know? It’s just easy to stay together in some ways. But she suggested this break, and … well, this week has been the first time I’ve ever contemplated being with someone else.”

  Oh, did he mean me? Surely he did? We looked at each other for a moment in silence. He blushed and I almost did a little celebratory ‘Yay!’ with dance accompaniment, but then I remembered the men waiting for my answer back home, not to mention the distance between where we lived; that I didn’t know him that well, that he had a wife, and that my head was as confused as ever.

  “It sounds like a tricky situation,” I said finally, after he eventually looked away and down towards the river we were walking by. Both dogs were running in and out of the water, splashing each other and having fun. How simple their relationship was compared to their owners’.

  “So how did you find out about your husband cheating?”

  “He told me about this one-night stand. Then a few days later I made him confess that it’s happened more than once. Ross says it was just sex, that didn’t mean anything, he’ll get some therapy, we can work it out, and so on. He says I can forgive him if I try.”

  “And can you?”

  “I don’t think so, no.”