Independent Jenny

by Sarah Louise Smith

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  We drove along narrow lanes and eventually joined a coastal road. Will pulled over in a parking bay by the waterfront and pulled out some folding chairs, a blanket and a couple of bags of crisps. We sat facing the water with the dogs by our feet.

  “The sun will go down soon, and then disappear on the horizon, just about there,” he said, pointing out to the water.

  I pulled out my camera and took some photos of the dogs. They were both on a blanket, asleep right next to each other, looking adorable.

  “The light here is amazing,” I told Will and he smiled at me. I took photos of the hills behind us, bathed in a yellow glow as the sun descended. Then I set up my tripod and sat down to watch the sun go down, which was stunning. The water in front of us shimmered with white light and we sat in comfortable silence. I kept stealing glances at him. He really was good looking, so sweet and easy to talk to. Why hadn’t I realised that back when he was crazy about me? Why hadn’t I realised he was crazy about me?

  I looked at his wedding ring again and then wondered what I’d do if I had to pick right at that moment between Ross and Aiden.

  The answer surprised me; I’d pick neither.

  Chapter Twenty

  It was 7am on Tuesday morning and Wentworth and I had walked a few miles and climbed a reasonably big hill. We were now sitting on the grass; me with my legs stretched out, Wentworth with his head on my lap while I stroked his ears. Before us were rolling green hills, sheep, hedgerows, and in the distance was the sea, with the Isles of Harris and Lewis on the horizon. There was a ferry on its way around to Uig and I wondered how many people travelled on it each day.

  The warmth from the exertion of climbing the hill faded pretty quickly and I zipped my fleece up to my chin. Still, I didn’t mind the cold. It was refreshing, and how could I complain about the temperature when I had this view before me? I reached for my phone. I’d climbed up here hoping to get decent network coverage and I was pleased to find that I finally had a full signal.

  “Hello my lovely,” Shane said sleepily, as he answered his phone.

  “Good morning! I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

  “No, just tired. Let me just open the door for Angie.”

  Angie was Shane’s chief baker. She made the most amazing vanilla and raspberry cupcakes. I heard him shuffling around, greeting her, and then the sound of a chair being moved out from under a table.

  “Right, all sorted. Hello. How are you?”

  “I’m okay, how’re you?”

  “I’m really good. How’s Skye?”

  “Beautiful. Very scenic and green and gorgeous. You’d love it.”

  “And have you found Hayley’s long lost love?”

  “Yes, and she’s besotted with him and I’m not sure what’s going to happen.”

  “Wow. She knows how to create some drama, that one.”

  “Yes.”

  “Kieran came in for some lunch yesterday, he’s really missing her. I felt bad, knowing that she’s seeking out Guy.”

  “I know, I need to talk to her but I’m not sure she’ll listen.”

  “She’s determined, I’ll give her that.”

  “I saw Will again. The first boy I ever slept with.”

  “Ooh. What’s he like?”

  “Cute, sweet, funny, kind…”

  “Okay, sounds like perfect rebound material.”

  “He’s also married.”

  “Ah, crap. What’s his wife like?”

  “She’s not here. He’s just here visiting his brother for a few weeks.”

  “Okay, that’s a bit unusual. Has he left her?”

  “I don’t know, he hasn’t really mentioned her, but he’s still wearing his wedding ring. We spent yesterday together and I felt all this chemistry, but maybe it was just my imagination. I’m more confused than ever to be honest.”

  “Jennifer Finch. You’ve been on the Isle of Skye for three days and already you’ve got yourself into even more of a pickle and a fluster than when you left. What happened to the quiet, sensible, logical girl I knew?”

  “I don’t know!” I sighed, wishing I could go back to my normal self. This was exhausting. “I seem to be a bag of hormones and emotion.”

  “And have you been thinking about Ross and Aiden?”

  “Plenty. I think it’s over between Ross and me.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “I can’t see us getting back together again now.”

  “Then can I tell you something, you know, as your best friend?”

  I loved it when Shane referred to me as his best friend. He didn’t say it often, but it made me feel special and loved when he did.

  “Of course.”

  “I think you and Ross were great together once, but lately, the last few years, you’ve kind of … well…”

  “What? Just say it.”

  “Well, do you think you were taking Ross for granted for a bit towards the end? I’m not saying that justifies his actions, but did you ever make the effort to spend time with him? To make him feel loved?”

  “I guess not,” I said sadly, wondering how things had gone that way.

  “I just suspected sometimes that you didn’t love him as much as you ought to. You spend more time with me than him some weekends.”

  “Why didn’t you ever say something?”

  “I don’t know, I guess I noticed it gradually and I only really thought about it the past week or so. Anyway, it’s not my place to interfere. Ross has told me several times to keep out of your marriage. He seems to have a bit of a jealous streak about our friendship.”

  “Yeah, he accused me of being in love with you the other day.”

  Shane laughed. “Nah, I’m not manly enough for you. So what about Aiden, how’re you feeling about him?”

  “I don’t know, sometimes I think I have real feelings for him … but now all I’m thinking about is Will, which I know is terrible when he’s married.”

  I started pulling up bits of grass and flicking them towards Wentworth, who’d moved a bit further away from me. He stared at me for a few seconds, then stretched out and closed his eyes.

  “Maybe you’re mixed up because you didn’t expect to be single again, and now you’re weighing up all the options, seeing what’s available, taking it all in. You don’t need to make a decision and you know what? Being single is okay too.”

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  “You need to take some time to figure out what you want, not rush into a new relationship to avoid being alone.”

  “You know me so well.”

  “There’s no harm getting a crush on a married man either, so long as you don’t act on it. And you’re only there for a few more days. So what does he look like?”

  “Dark hair, amazing eyes, good dresser…”

  “Nice.”

  “Married though.”

  “Well, that should un-complicate it for you. Just have fun spending time with him for a few days as friends.”

  “Yes, you’re right. I’m just going to take one day at a time.”

  “Good. So is Hayley going to run off with this long lost love of hers?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t see her moving up here and living on the farm, I’m hoping she’ll see sense and just get him out of her system without cheating on Kieran.”

  “I can’t really imagine her with mud under her nails, either.”

  “Any news with you?”

  “Yes, actually. I was going to wait until you got home, but … Andrew got offered a new job.”

  “Oh that’s fantastic!”

  Andrew had been looking for a new job for ages. He hated his current one and I was so pleased to hear he’d found something new.

  “It’s in Maidstone, is the only thing.”

  “Maidstone?”

  “Yes.”

  “As in Kent?”

  No. No, I couldn’t let Shane, my wonderful friend, the person I felt closest to in the whole world, mo
ve away. What about the coffee shop? And their families? And me?

  “Oh.”

  “We’re just talking about it right now.”

  “So he hasn’t accepted?”

  “Not yet.”

  “How do you feel about it?”

  “Mixed emotions.”

  “You’d have to give up the cafe.”

  “Yes, but you know, I could always open one up in Maidstone. Or do something different.”

  “But you love it in Bath.”

  He sighed.

  “I know, but I have to consider what Andrew wants too.”

  “And what about me?”

  It was so selfish, and I regretted saying it straight away.

  “You?”

  “You’d have to give me up too.”

  “We’d still see each other, Jen.”

  I didn’t answer. Emotion was bubbling up in my chest. First Ross betrays me, then Shane leaves me? How would I cope without him?

  “Jen?”

  “I’m sorry, I’m just … you’re the closest person I have right now.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry. And you’re my best friend, Jen, but Andrew’s the closest person I have. You must understand that?”

  “Of course,” I said, not really understanding at all. I’d never been as close to anyone as I felt to Shane. Was that the problem with Ross? Maybe he was right. Maybe I had my priorities all wrong. My best friend, the person I was closest to, should have been my husband.

  “Look, we don’t know if we’re going yet, anyway.”

  “Okay,” I said, trying to sound chirpier.

  “So, how’s Skye? I bet Wentworth loves it.”

  “Yes, he does,” I said, smiling and ruffling his head.

  “Look, I know you’re confused about your love life right now and I know this is all a bit scary, but just chill. Catch up on old times with Will, think about Aiden or Ross if you like, but don’t over analyse. You’ll figure it all out.”

  “Thanks Shane.”

  “No worries. And for the record, you’re the second closest person I have. I love you.”

  I smiled. He rarely said that, either.

  “Love you, too.”

  I hung up and stared out at the view, wondering what Maidstone was like. Maybe I could move there too. They wouldn’t mind would they?

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I continued to sit on the hill, not ready to get up yet, and thought some more about what Shane had said.

  “You’re the only man I can rely on to stick around, Wentworth,” I told my golden friend. He lifted his head for a brief moment then rested it back down on his paws.

  Then my mind flicked back to Will. Who knew what today had in store? I was certainly looking forward to finding out. I felt a bit guilty about the wife. Did she know he was with his first girlfriend? And why was he here without her anyway?

  I looked at the time: 7:30am. Hayley wouldn’t be up for a long time and I thought about Will and wondered if he was awake yet. He had always been an early riser. My mum let him stay over at our house once, on the condition that he had to sleep on the floor and no “funny business” – we broke both rules, of course – and I remember he woke up as soon as it was light and we lay in bed talking for hours before anyone else was up. We had always been great talkers.

  Mum had made us some bacon sandwiches that morning and we’d wolfed them down, still chatting away. I remember he even chatted to Mum quite a bit, and she really liked him.

  I thought about Mum then and wondered if she’d still be up. I checked Skype on my phone; she was signed in.

  “Hey baby girl, you called me back at last!” she said enthusiastically.

  “Hi Mum,” I said, glad to hear her voice.

  “Turn the video on, I want to see you.”

  “No, I’m on the top of a hill on the Isle of Skye. Can we just talk?”

  “Oh lovely. What’re you doing there? It’s what, not even 8 in the morning there?”

  “I came away with Hayley for a week.”

  “Oh, nice.”

  “Yeah, it’s lovely.”

  “Why can’t we video?”

  “It’d cost me a fortune.”

  “Oh, right, I thought Skype was free?”

  “I’ve told you before Mum, you have to pay for the data? Never mind. We’ll talk now and video another time.”

  Really, it was a miracle she was using Skype at all. She had to ask my younger siblings how to ‘work Facebook.’

  “All right. I thought you and Ross were going to go someplace hot this week?”

  It all came out then, about his confession, about Aiden, about the trip, about Hayley and Guy and Will.

  “Well, that certainly sounds like quite a dramatic few weeks,” she said when I finally let her get a word in.

  “Yup,” I said, holding back the tears.

  “You know what I’ve learned, with all my marriages?”

  “What?”

  “No one’s perfect. They either cheat, or they’re boring, or they just don’t turn out to be as wonderful as you first thought.”

  “So the moral of the story is…?”

  “I’m not sure. Just that I sometimes wonder what I’m searching for, and I’m not sure I ever found it, whatever it was.”

  “Are you happy with Ken?”

  “Yes. Very.”

  “Well, that’s good. You found happiness.”

  “For now. I was happy with them all at some point.”

  “That sounds pretty cynical Mum, for someone who obviously believes in marriage.”

  “Yeah but you know what, being alone sucks. I hate sleeping alone, I hate eating alone. I hate everything about being single.”

  “You had me and Sadie, and then Henry and Mia,” I reminded her.

  “It’s not the same as having an adult to share your life with. You know something though? I think Ken and I might work out.”

  “What makes you so sure this time?”

  “He’s my best friend. The others, they were fillers, you know? They were lovers and we had a spark but Ken and I, we talk. We communicate and we share things in common and have fun together.”

  “Well, that’s great, I’m happy for you. I have that, but unfortunately the man I have it with is gay.”

  “Ah, how’s Shane doing?”

  “He’s good. Might be moving away though.”

  “Well, you’ll just have to Skype him, too.”

  Skype really was a wonderful invention.

  “I’m glad you’re so close with Ken.”

  “Me too,” she said happily.

  I was sceptical it would last; this was my mum we were talking about, but Ken seemed nice enough the one time I’d met him at their wedding in New York just over a year earlier. My half-sister Mia – her dad was mum’s third husband, Tom – told me that she’d never seen mum so happy.

  “You’ll figure this all out, I’m sure you will,” Mum said, and somehow I felt more reassured hearing it from her, even though she was hardly one to give out relationship advice.

  Wentworth got up and stretched and moved further down the hill to investigate some sheep poo. I was just about to call him away when he moved on and slumped on the grass.

  “How’re Henry and Mia?”

  “They’re good. You should come visit,” she said, changing her tone to give me the usual pleading voice she always did. And as always, I felt guilty. I barely knew my brother and sister and hadn’t seen much of them all since Mum had moved to California a few years back. But they didn’t come visit me too often either, I reminded myself.

  “I know, I will.”

  “Really, darling, you’d love it here. Come and stay with us for a while. Sort your head out. We’d love to have you.”

  “I’m not sure I can afford it,” I told her. “I’m going to struggle a bit for money if my marriage is over.”

  There it was again, that sense of having no control, of not knowing what would happen next. I started to cry and sh
e made a few soothing noises.

  “Oh, Jenny I wish I could give you a hug.”

  “Me too. Thanks, Mum.”

  “You know you only started to cry when you thought about what you might do; no tears while you talked about Ross.”

  “Oh, I think I’ve cried plenty over Ross,” I told her. “I guess I’m a bit scared about the future.”

  “Well, just give coming out here some thought, yeah?”

  “I will.”

  “I’m so tired, I need to get to bed. You enjoy your time on Skye and you know where I am if you want to call.”

  “Thanks Mum.”

  We said our goodbyes and I looked back out at the view. I’d never felt so lonely in my life.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  As I walked back to the cottage, I received a text message. I glanced at my phone, saw it was from Ross and put it back in my pocket. I didn’t have anything to say to him right now. I couldn’t tell him it was over in a text and I wasn’t interested in what he had to say. I made myself some breakfast and went outside to eat it.

  After staring out at sea for a while, I finally picked up my phone again.

  Hey babe. How’re you? I have an appointment today to see a counsellor tomorrow. Talk about why I’ve done these terrible things and make sure it doesn’t happen again. I miss you so much, can’t wait for you to come home xx

  I didn’t respond. He should have thought about how much he’d miss me before he did those ‘terrible things’. The way he was presuming that we’d fix our marriage made me uneasy. Even if I could forgive the things he’d done, these past few weeks had given me time to reconsider our whole relationship but I wasn’t sure anymore that what we had was worth fixing.

  After the – I admit – very romantic evening watching the sunset with a handsome, wonderful, charming man who just happened to be married, Will and I returned to find Hayley and Guy on the sofa, side by side, far too close for my liking. Hayley seemed annoyed when I said we had to leave but she’d already persuaded Guy to find some help for the following day so he could spend time with us. She didn’t seem quite as enthusiastic when he suggested we all go for a long walk. I assumed she wasn’t going to moan and whinge as much as she had done when it was just the two of us walking.