Independent Jenny

by Sarah Louise Smith

  “What a wonderful job you have,” the old great grandmother told me as I ushered them all out of the door. “Capturing moments that will live on forever.”

  Huh. I hadn’t thought of it like that for a while. I realised that, apart from the photos from weddings that wouldn’t work out, I did provide people with pleasant memories of a certain time. I liked the idea that this young baby from today would one day look back at these photos, maybe a hundred years from now and tell her own great grand children who was who. I’d helped to create that. I made a mental note to do more promotion about studio photography and perhaps leave off on the weddings.

  I made myself a cup of tea before looking at my laptop. Will had replied, hurrah! I did a little celebration dance and sat down to read it.

  Hi Jenny

  Thanks for your email. Things here are going well. Very busy at work, and Mandy and I seem to be getting on better. We had a long chat when I got back and she told me she’d missed me, which was nice. So I’m making every effort to fix things and get to a better place.

  Glad it went OK with Ross. Always going to be a tricky situation. Have you looked at the flats yet? How about the brother, I have forgotten his name? What’s happened there? I hope you’re happy, whatever you’re doing.

  I think about Skye a lot and I miss chatting to you. Remember walking along the Quiraing? And Elgol? The city seems kind of artificial and grey by comparison. Loved the photo, can I see some more? Send sunsets and doggy photos please.

  Take care,

  Will x

  I waited a week to reply, not wanting to seem too desperate to maintain the friendship.

  Hi Will

  I’m glad things are better with Mandy.

  I’ve been seeing ‘the brother’ – Aiden – yes. In fact, he’s asked me to move in with him. I know it’s soon but I am tempted. I told him I’ll think about it. In the meantime, we’ve been out on several dates over the past week. He makes me feel good, and safe, and that’s all I want right now. I’m staying with friends but I can’t do that for much longer so I need to make some decisions really.

  Have you heard from the lovebirds? Hayley emailed me this morning with a list of her stuff. I need to go round to her house, get it together, then call a courier who she has already arranged to fetch it all up to Skye for her. It’s going to be pretty awkward around Kieran, but I said I’d help. Her parents are angry at her and most of her friends are close with Kieran too, so it seems I’m the only one who’s kind (or maybe stupid) enough to help her out. She didn’t say much about Guy, just that it was going well. Good luck to them, I guess.

  Some days, I admit, I long for our simple carefree time on Skye. Photos attached. I hope you’re doing well.

  Love,

  Jenny x

  For the next three days, I kept checking my email, and then one day, there it was; his reply again, waiting for me to read it.

  Hello Jenny

  Great to hear from you again. Guy isn’t that chatty about his feelings but I’ve texted him a few times and he seems happy enough. I will probably go visit again next month just for the weekend.

  It’s still so soon after Ross, it’s natural that you want to feel safe and wanted, but don’t rush into anything. I want you to be happy, so I’m sorry if that sounds like I’m interfering. I just don’t want you to get hurt again, you deserve more.

  Met a gorgeous cat the other day, a tabby called Jen and I thought of you. I think of you often and am glad we’re friends again.

  Mandy organised for us to see a relationship counsellor so we start that this evening. I am not sure it’ll be worth the money to be honest – I don’t see how sitting in a therapist’s office will bring back the passion and spark, but there you go. I owe it to her to try and, even without the counselling, we are getting on better I think. We’re going on a date Friday night. I’m pulling out all the stops; new shirt, flowers, picking her up in a taxi, meal, drinks … I’ll let you know how it goes.

  Loved the photos, the sunsets are stunning, you captured the light beautifully. Also particularly liked the one of the dogs at Elgol. Fern says hello to Wentworth!

  Keep in touch,

  Will x

  I read Will’s email and felt a stab of jealously that Mandy was getting a date night with him. And yet, she was entitled to it, he was her husband after all, I reminded myself yet again. I imagined him doing the right thing, making an effort to patch up his marriage, being the nice guy he always was. If I was Mandy, I’d fight to keep him too.

  Yet, I hadn’t, when he was mine. How things change..

  He’d hinted, then, that we didn’t have to be apart, and I’d not been interested. What a fool.

  “Maybe you should consider Edinburgh University, too. You’ll only be a year behind me.”

  “I’m going to Bath, I think,” I told him. So that was that, no possible future for us. I was okay with it, albeit a little sad.

  “I’ll never forget you,” he said, quietly.

  That night he walked me home, and we had a quick kiss and a long hug on the doorstep. I’d gone in, and shed a couple of tears. And I thought about him often, after that. It was hard to forget him altogether when Hayley kept going on about Guy but that slowly fizzled away and we finished school and went our separate ways.

  And then there was Ross. Up until the last year of our marriage, I had to admit, he’d been good to me. Romantic, for sure. Every Valentine ’s Day he bought me flowers and took me for intimate dinners. He’d always remembered anniversaries. We’d had fun holidays, laughing in the sunshine, dozing on a beach, drinking cocktails and having drunken sex in the hotel room.

  How had we let all that slip away?

  I read Will’s email one more time. I was pretty sure he didn’t love Mandy, yet he was staying with her because he felt it was the right thing to do. They had their life together and they were settled. All the pretty walks, all the talking, all the spectacular sunsets … and that chemistry between us; that wasn’t real, I realised. That was just the magic of being on holiday.

  Aiden was real, and Aiden wanted me to move in with him. And why shouldn’t I? I let Will get away and regretted it now. I let Ross and I fall apart, and I regretted it now. I didn’t want to regret not accepting Aiden’s love one day, too.

  I read Will’s email one last time, shut my laptop and headed back to Shane’s, determined to pack up my things and tell Aiden that yes, I would move in.

  Chapter Forty

  I was about to tell Shane I’d made my mind up, but as I walked through the door, he was sitting on the sofa staring out of the window, looking a bit lost.

  “Hey. What have you done with my cheerful friend? It’s not like you to look so forlorn,” I said, sitting next to him.

  “Andrew’s turned down the job.”

  Phew.

  “Well, that’s good isn’t it? You didn’t want to move?”

  “I just feel so selfish, he really wanted it.”

  “There will be others.”

  “I guess.”

  “I’m moving in with Aiden.”

  “Oh wow, are you sure?”

  “Well, I figure why not, you know?”

  “Do you love him?”

  “I like him a lot.”

  “This isn’t like moving in with me, Jenny. He loves you. You’re not friends. You’re lovers.”

  “I know. Live-in lover sounds good to me.”

  “And what if it doesn’t work out?”

  “I’ll get a place on my own.”

  “You don’t think you’re setting yourself up to fail? Wouldn’t you have a better chance with Aiden if you slowed it down?”

  “I don’t know, Shane. I just know that the idea of being with him all the time sounds good to me. Sharing bills, more help with the housework.”

  “How romantic.”

  I sighed. “You gonna help me pack or what?”

  “Of course, I thought we’d never get rid of you.”

  I punched him lightly
on the arm and he grinned.

  “If you’re sure about this, then I’m happy for you.”

  “I am sure.”

  Of course, I wasn’t sure. I was terrified. But not as scared as I was about living on my own. And I couldn’t stay here much longer; I was already feeling like I’d imposed for long enough.

  A week later, Aiden and I were on day seven of living together and so far, I’d not slept in “my” room once. It didn’t seem worth it, when we were sleeping together anyway. It’d been fun so far. I cleaned a lot, cooked a lot and he answered all my hopes by taking out the bins on Thursday night. He’d also dealt with a very scary spider situation. No light bulbs had died on us yet but I was pretty sure he’d be the one to do the necessary when that situation cropped up. I was also pretty sure that co-habiting suited me way better than alone-habiting.

  It was all going along swimmingly, until the day Ross came to visit. Aiden had told him he was going to rent me a room, and Ross had apparently seemed okay with it and not suspicious at all. He’d find out about us eventually, of course, but there was no need to tell him just yet.

  He turned up on Saturday with a car full of my things, and Aiden helped him carry it up to ‘my bedroom’ and then we all sat down for pizza. It felt incredibly deceitful and I felt uneasy, but Aiden went about playing host, giving us each a glass of wine and chatting away about work.

  “So, how’ve you been Jenny?” Ross asked when he could get a word in. Wentworth was sitting beside him on the sofa, and Ross was playing with his ear affectionately. He’d obviously missed him.

  “Very well, thank you. Work is busy.”

  “That’s good.”

  “How about you?”

  “Yeah I’m well. I went on a date last night, that was strange, but she seems nice.”

  I felt sick. He was dating? And yet I had no reason to be jealous, no expectation to think he’d be waiting to see other people – I’d moved in with someone else, for goodness’ sake. Yet it felt weird. I wondered if he was hoping for jealousy, otherwise why mention it? I watched his face but couldn’t read what he was thinking. How could I know him so well and yet he feel so alien?

  “Well, that’s good. I’m glad you’re moving on.”

  “And you?”

  Aiden gulped.

  “Nah, I’m happy being alone for now.”

  “I’m glad we can be friends.”

  “Me too.”

  “It’s nice you’re living here, too. I know Aiden will keep an eye out for you.”

  “I’m an adult, Ross,” I said a little defensively.

  “I know, I know. I just don’t like to think of you alone. I still care about you very much.”

  I looked down at the carpet unsure how to respond and felt myself getting anxious. To give myself something to do, I offered to wash up and left them for some guy-talk, but I couldn’t help pulling the door open so I could hear them. They started talking about football, and I switched off and daydreamed about Skye, something I often did when I had an idle mind. I was thinking about Elgol, about sitting on the rocks with Will when I heard Ross speak louder, seemingly out of the blue.

  “I’m not stupid Aiden, I know what’s going on here.”

  I stopped clattering the dishes and moved closer to the door to listen.

  “What?”

  “You and Jenny. You’ve got feelings for her. You sure that’s a good idea when she’s renting a room from you?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Come on, man, don’t lie to me.”

  “Yeah, okay. Well, what do you want me to say?”

  “Has anything happened between you?”

  “I know this is hard for you Ross, but I love her.”

  “Jesus, Aiden! You’re my brother!”

  “I know, I know. I’m sorry.”

  “Does she feel the same way?”

  “I don’t know yet.”

  “Have you made a move?”

  Aiden hesitated.

  “Holy crap. Have you kissed her?”

  “Yes.”

  “Have you screwed her?”

  Silence.

  “Aiden?”

  Should I go in? I didn’t know what to do.

  “So you have, you’ve screwed my wife!” he raised his voice.

  “Ex-wife, Ross! And only after you cheated on her if you remember!”

  “We’re not divorced yet!”

  “Well, I love her. And I’m not going to hurt her like you did.”

  “I love her too! And you know that.”

  “If you love her, why did you cheat?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll never understand why, but I love her, Aiden,” his voice cracked. “And I can’t stand the thought of her being with you. Of all people, why my wife?”

  It fell silent and I could hear my heart pounding.

  I came in and they were sitting on opposite sofas, not looking at each other.

  “I’m sorry Ross,” I said quietly.

  “Are you trying to hurt me? To get me back?”

  “Of course not.”

  “I think I’m going to leave.”

  He got up and left without anyone saying another word. I turned to Aiden.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I couldn’t lie to him.”

  “It’s okay.”

  But it wasn’t okay. I hated seeing Ross upset like that. I felt terrible. Yes, he’d betrayed me but I didn’t want to be the doing the hurting this time around, no matter what he’d done to me. And could I really be the woman who came between two brothers? If Ross couldn’t accept this, their relationship would be ruined, and it’d cause friction throughout their family. I was about to say all this to Aiden, but he came over and started kissing me softly on the neck, and before long I had forgotten all about Ross, and the rest of their family, and all I could think about was the here and now.

  Chapter Forty-One

  I stood on Kieran and Hayley’s doorstep and hesitated. I wasn’t sure I was up to this, but I’d promised her I’d help. I raised my hand slowly and rang the doorbell. Kieran opened the door, looking pale and tired. He hadn’t shaved for a while and his hair was a mess.

  “Hey, Jenny.”

  “Hi.”

  “Come in.”

  “I’m really sorry about this.”

  He had some boxes stacked up in the hallway and had already put some of Hayley’s books and photo albums inside.

  “It’s okay. Thanks for helping. I can’t believe she’s not coming down to do it herself.”

  “It does seem rather cowardly,” I admitted. I’d lost any loyalty I had for Hayley when she called to ask me to sort out her stuff and didn’t ask me how I was, how things were with Ross, or what I was doing. I was helping for Kieran’s sake, not hers.

  We went about the house, using a list she’d given me, putting together the clothes she wanted, throwing those she didn’t want into a bag for the charity shop, and chatting about old times; times when we’d both been happier, in love, and ignorant of what was going to happen.

  “You remember that first night we went to that Italian place? Hayley got really drunk.”

  I laughed. “That was funny. I think Ross was quite drunk too, actually.”

  “Oh yeah, didn’t he and Hayley start arguing about something?”

  “Yes! I can’t remember what about now. Was it something to do with the government?”

  “Yeah, I think so. I don’t think either of them really knew what they were talking about.”

  I gave a gentle laugh at the memory. It had been a fun evening: Italian food, Italian wine, laughter, banter and the kind of fun you can only have with really good friends. And yet how little we knew each other. Who’d have thought that Ross and Hayley would end up betraying us? Who’d have thought we’d be in such a different place, less than a year on? Not me, that’s for sure.

  “How things change, eh?”

  “Yep.”

  Kieran smiled sadly and turned back to her DVD
collection.

  “You think you’ll ever get back with Ross? I saw him last week; he still loves you.”

  “He said that?”

  “Yes.”

  I thought of Will for a second then shook the thought away and realised it was Aiden I should be thinking of. “I don’t think so. Too much has happened. How can you trust someone ever again?”

  “I wish I could say the same but things with Hayley were great, you know? We got on so well, we were going to start planning a wedding. I really thought this was it, but I suppose she was thinking something entirely different.”

  “If it’s any consolation, she did tell me she loved you, before we went to Skye.”

  “Not really, but thank you.”

  “You’ll pick yourself up and move on.”

  “I know. I’m starting to accept it now. I think being single might not be so bad.”

  “Really? You don’t think it’s kind of terrifying to be alone again?”

  “Nah,” he said, winking at me. “I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.”

  “Actually, that does sound kind of appealing.”

  Kieran looked at me, confused.

  “I’ve kind of been seeing someone else since I got back from Skye. But maybe it was too soon to get into another relationship.”

  Huh. I’d not realised how I felt about this whole Aiden thing until I said it out loud.

  “Yeah, well, we’re all different. I think I want some time to adjust, to re-think how things are going to go. It’s easy to rush into something because being single sounds kind of scary, but you know what? It’s not. You don’t need a relationship to be happy.”

  “I wish my mother would understand that.”

  “She’s pushing you to find another husband already?”

  “No, I mean for herself. She’s terrified of being alone.”

  “How can you know what you’re really like, what you really want out of life, if you’re always considering the happiness of another person? Take some time to re-evaluate. That’s my advice, anyway. That’s what I’m going to do.”