Independent Jenny

by Sarah Louise Smith

  He seemed so much more together than I was; so much more in control.

  “You want a sandwich before you go?”

  “If you really don’t mind?”

  “It’s the least I can do. Although it’s Hayley who owes you really, I’d have just sent it all to the charity shop if you hadn’t called.”

  “She doesn’t deserve much better, I guess.”

  “Maybe. But it doesn’t do anyone any good to be bitter. At least I know I always treated her with respect and kindness. She can’t know the same thing about me.”

  He gave me a sad smile and pulled out some bread. I watched him, chopping salad and carefully placing cold meat on the bread and wondered how he’d managed to be so … together. Why hadn’t I managed that? What was his secret?

  He’d have no trouble finding someone, when he was ready. He was good-looking, kind, caring … oh, and he made excellent sandwiches.

  “Yum, thank you,” I told him after my first bite. We were sitting side by side on the sofa, surveying all the boxes in front of us.

  “Just think, a year from now, we’ll both look back and wonder what we were doing with those losers.”

  I looked at him and smiled. “Yup. We’re better off.”

  “Definitely.”

  He looked at me again and for a brief second I thought he might be about to kiss me. I panicked and took a large bite of my sandwich to make sure my mouth was full. Kieran was gorgeous, but I wasn’t going to let him use me for revenge, however much Hayley might deserve it. I finished my sandwich, gave him a quick hug goodbye and told him a courier would be there to collect Hayley’s stuff tomorrow.

  When I got home, I was just about to put the key in the door when Ross opened it.

  His handsome face grinned as his eyes met mine and I felt a little spark inside my chest. Oh, how I’d loved that face once. How he’d made me smile and encouraged me with my career. He’d given me some of the most romantic moments of my life and then he’d ruined it all. The hurt came flooding back.

  I smiled at him and said hello as he opened the door wide enough to let me in.

  “I was just going home,” Ross told me. “Nice to see you, Jen.”

  “You too,” I said, smiling and realising I meant it. Ross closed the door behind him.

  “Everything okay?” Aiden asked as I followed him into the kitchen. “You look a bit pale.”

  “Fine. How’s Ross?”

  His eyes flicked away from the kettle he was filling and to my face. He looked hurt. Was it always going to be this way? Was I always going to remember the intimate times every time I saw Ross? Would Aiden always see that and feel hurt and jealous?

  “He’s okay. He’s accepting things, I think.”

  This information filled me with a mixture of joy and sadness at the same time.

  I left him making the tea and went to sit with Wentworth on the sofa. I still felt like a guest here, I hadn’t settled and somehow something wasn’t right. Aiden came in smiling, but he looked anxious.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Just some stuff Ross said about you being on the rebound.”

  “He’s just jealous and saying stuff to unsettle you.”

  “Yeah, but he’s right, isn’t he? You are on the rebound.”

  “I’m fine, don’t be silly.”

  I changed the subject then. I wasn’t ready for a long conversation about my feelings. I hardly knew what I felt about anything or anyone, so I sure as hell wasn’t ready to discuss them with a man who’d shown me love, opened up his home to me, and been nothing but lovely ever since this whole mess started.

  We watched TV and I relaxed, but I still had a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I’d made the wrong choice. I’d been quick to make all these big decisions and suddenly, even ending things with Ross seemed like it was rushed. I’d been confused because of Will, and Aiden, and I hadn’t really thought it through in detail. Maybe if I had, we could have somehow got back into a good place. Maybe I could have trusted him again, and maybe we could have got back what we had when we were first together.

  The thought surprised and alarmed me. It was too late to consider being back with him now. Wasn’t it?

  Chapter Forty-Two

  The next morning, I took photos of a couple and their new baby. After I said goodbye, thoughts of Ross and the baby we never planned started buzzing in my head. Despite what he’d done, I still felt he’d make a good father someday; he loved children and had a lot of time for them. The thought that he’d probably become a father with someone else made me ache inside. If I stayed with Aiden, that’d make me Ross’ children’s Aunt. How strange. Would I rather be the mother? I tried to push the confusing thoughts out of my head and was just about to sit down and look at the photos I’d taken, when my laptop started alerting me to my mother’s incoming Skype call.

  “Hi darling, how are you doing?”

  “I was just thinking about Ross actually.”

  “Oh yes?”

  “Yeah, just about how things were. We were happy, I don’t know when or how we stopped being happy.”

  “I’ve often thought that about some of my ex-husbands. It all seemed so great in the beginning and then somehow, it just goes wrong. I think people get complacent.”

  “Yeah, I guess so. I suppose I took it for granted that we’d be together forever. You know, I’m starting to realise it wasn’t all his fault. I thought we were happy, but we weren’t. We were coasting. We weren’t making the effort we used to.”

  “How’s it going with Aiden?”

  “It’s good, yeah. It’s nice.”

  “And have you been having fun with him?”

  “Yes, fun, but I don’t know Mum, the spark for me is fading already. I’m not sure I’m falling in love or anything.”

  “It’s not all about love, Jenny, or spark. It’s about finding a decent man, and Lord knows there’s not many of them out there, and so long as you can trust him and get along reasonably well, that’s enough. This isn’t the movies.”

  This thought seemed so depressing I couldn’t find an answer.

  “Yeah, maybe you’re right,” I said, not wishing to discuss it any further. I was bored of thinking about it.

  “Well, see how it goes.”

  “So how are you?”

  “I’m well, very well. But I’m having doubts about Ken.”

  Of course she was.

  “How so?”

  “I don’t know. He plays a lot of golf.”

  “So you think he’s having an affair?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Are you happy, do you love him? You said he was your best friend.”

  “He was.”

  “So?”

  “So, I don’t know.”

  “Have you ever lived alone Mum?”

  “Umm, let me think. Well, I moved straight from my parent’s house in with your father. Then, I went straight to living with Henrich. Then I ran off with Gordy, you remember him? He was so handsome. Then when he left me, I stayed in a hotel for a week or so before I went travelling with his friend, Ron … Let me think … you know what? No – I’ve never been alone for more than a week or two. I don’t think it’d suit me much, do you? I’d get depressed if I was a spinster. No, far better to find a new man as soon as you’re done with the last.”

  She laughed nervously. Somehow, this made me even sadder.

  “Do you ever think, maybe if you’d waited, just been on your own for a bit, you might not have just settled for what was right there in front of you?”

  “Maybe, I don’t know.”

  “Hmm…”

  “What?”

  “I just think the thought of being single terrified me. I expected to be with Ross forever. Then Aiden was right there, offering his heart up and I took it without really thinking about whether I wanted him.”

  “That seems a bit cruel, Jenny.”

  “I know. I like him a lot but … just not as much as he likes me.�
�

  “Well, give it time. I wasn’t sure about Albert when I met him, but he was the man I think I loved the most, God rest him.”

  “I’m sorry, Mum.”

  “Look, you do what you think is best. But I’m telling you now, being alone is no fun at all.”

  “How would you know?”

  “Well, after Albert.”

  “You met Wayne not long after.”

  “Wayne was my cruel mistake too. I used him.”

  I sighed.

  “I’m sorry, dear, I need to go,” she said with the familiar sign that she didn’t want to talk about the men she’d been with anymore than I wanted to remember them all, either.

  I said goodbye, grabbed my coat and walked to Shane’s, where I repeated the conversation while munching on chocolate cookies, watching him put up signs in the window for his new marketing campaign: Free cupcake Thursdays. I got free cupcakes every day but I was still coming down on Thursday for an extra freebie.

  “Chill, Jenny,” he said after I’d repeated the conversation. He stroked his beard and took a sip from a cup of coffee.

  “But it’s all such a mess.”

  “Her life is a mess. You can still clean yours up.”

  “I can’t keep living with Aiden, can I?”

  “No, maybe not. But you know what? You’re gonna be just fine on your own. You’ll have Wentworth, and I’ll come round all the time.”

  “Will you drop everything every time I need a new light bulb?”

  “How about I show you how to change one yourself?”

  “Okay. And maybe buy me a step ladder.”

  He laughed. “Sounds like a good house-warming present.”

  “What am I going to tell Aiden?”

  “Just be honest with him.”

  “Ugh. Sounds hard.”

  “It will be, but better now than months or years down the road, right?”

  “Yeah,” I sighed. “I just wish I hadn’t got myself into this mess.”

  “You were fragile and lost and he offered you what you thought you needed. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

  “Maybe I could join a dating site.”

  “Jeez, Jenny! Give yourself some time, why are you so desperate to find the next love of your life? You complain about your mother but you’re just like her.”

  Well, he didn’t have to say it, even if it were true. I glared at him.

  “I’m just telling you the truth.”

  I bit my lip.

  “You need to know what you want from a relationship. How can you know that if you keep jumping from one person to the next?”

  “I know what I want. Friendship and bonding and mutual interests. Like I had with Will that week on Skye.”

  “That was a holiday, not real life.”

  “I know.”

  “You’re starting to bore me now.”

  “Gee, thanks Shane.”

  “Stop whinging and sort your life out! You’re in control of your destiny, Jen. Starting right now. Sort. It. Out. Go!”

  Chapter Forty-Three

  That night I got home and threw my bag down in the hallway underneath the coat rack. I called Aiden’s name and he called back from the kitchen. I went in and saw he was just about to put pizzas in the oven.

  “Can we talk, before you do that?” I asked him without looking him in the eye.

  “Sure.” He followed me into the living room and we sat.

  “You okay? You look nervous.”

  “Yes, I’m fine.”

  “You’re going to break up with me, aren’t you?”

  I looked up at his sad face and finally I was honest, with both him and myself.

  “I’m sorry Aiden. I care about you a lot, and I’m really attracted to you, but I’m just not ready for all of this.”

  And although it was scary, I felt relieved as I admitted it. I looked up at Aiden to see his reaction.

  “I guess I knew it was too good to be true. And maybe I rushed you into this whole thing. I’m sorry.”

  The pain on his face was hard to take.

  “No, I’m sorry. I used you to move on and it wasn’t fair, Aiden. I’m just not in the same place as you.”

  “I knew you weren’t ready and I pushed you into it…pretty stupid really.”

  “Well, we are all stupid sometimes. Especially me.”

  “I don’t regret it. I got to be with you, if only for a short amount of time.”

  “That’s really sweet, considering. I wish I could feel the same way you do, I really do.”

  “Maybe in time…”

  “I don’t think you should hope for that.”

  I couldn’t say it out loud, but I didn’t feel the same way about him as I did about Will; or even Ross. So there was never going to be any hope for us. I knew I could feel so much more and I’d never be satisfied with anything less.

  “Can we be friends?”

  “Of course we can, I’d like that.”

  “Good, me too.”

  “I really am sorry, Aiden.”

  “It’s fine, please don’t feel so guilty. I’m to blame too. So what’re you going to do now? Have you thought about it?”

  “I don’t know. I suppose I need to find somewhere to live.”

  “And Ross?”

  “What about him?”

  “Do you think you could ever forgive him and get back together?”

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  He looked relieved, but I had to admit to myself that I hadn’t quite shut that door yet. The more time had passed, the less angry I felt.

  “You’ll meet someone else, Aiden. You’re such a lovely man. Really, you just need to forget me and find someone better, someone who’ll treat you well.”

  “I’m alright. It’s okay, you care spare me the pep talk.”

  “Okay.”

  “Do you think … if I’d waited, if I’d let you be for a while and maybe asked you on a date in a few months to come, it might have been different?”

  I considered this for a second, then thought yet again about the attachment and connection I had with Will. I wanted that again. I knew I couldn’t have it with him, he wasn’t available, but there had to be someone else I could feel that way about. Until I met that person, anyone else would be second best.

  “I don’t think so, Aiden. I’m sorry.”

  “Stop saying sorry, you can’t help how you feel.”

  “I led you on.”

  “Nah, you didn’t. I knew you weren’t in love with me. I just hoped you’d fall in love over time.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Seriously. No more sorrys!”

  “Okay, sorry!” I squeezed his hand. “I’ll stay with Shane tonight. I’ll pop by tomorrow and get my stuff.”

  “No problem. I might go out when you come.”

  “Sure. Are you going to be okay?”

  “Yes, don’t worry about me, I’m fine.”

  He didn’t look fine, he looked like he might be about to get somewhat upset but I figured he’d rather I wasn’t around to see that, so after a brief hug, I left feeling sad and more than a little terrified.

  Alone, alone, alone.

  I thought about what Shane would say if he were right there in front of me. He’d give me a motivational speech about looking at the positives.

  So … not alone. Free. Liberated. Self-sufficient. Independent.

  The new, independent Jenny was here and I was sure, just as soon as I got used to her, I’d grow to love her.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Andrew and Shane were out when I got back to their flat, but they’d left a key for me in the cafe. I let myself in and watched some TV for a while, laying on the sofa and eating crisps. But slobbing about wouldn’t be the best way to get on with the new independent, me so I grabbed my laptop and I browsed the internet for flats within walking distance of my studio and made an appointment to view one that looked quite nice. The next few days passed by with work, looking for flats, and wal
king Wentworth.

  Eventually, I decided to email Will again.

  Hi Will

  In the three weeks since we last emailed so much has happened.

  First, I broke up with Aiden. It just wasn’t right, and I feel really bad about it now because I think I used him a bit. He was gracious and understanding but I just didn’t know what to say to him. I am pretty sure I’ve done the right thing though; when it’s not right, it’s not right.

  I have moved back in with my friends and I’m pretty sure I’m already driving them crazy to be honest, but tomorrow I am going to look at a flat, so that should be good. This is the new, independent Jenny and I quite like it. I’m figuring a lot of stuff out about myself and you know what? It’s good. I feel good.

  How are things with Mandy?

  Jenny x

  I hesitated before hitting the send button. Whenever I thought about Will, I just wanted to call him and tell him that I was pretty sure I loved him. Our time on Skye may have been in a fake environment, far way from everyday life, but I felt more connected and in tune with him in those few days than I had with anyone else before, or since.

  Two things were stopping me. Firstly, that he was married and may well be very happy with Mandy again. I didn’t want to get in the way of that. Secondly, he may well tell me he didn’t feel the same way and I didn’t think I could face the pain that would cause. The thought of it made me feel sick.

  Anyway, as I reminded myself, he lived a long, long way away. It could never work.

  Still, I couldn’t help myself from keeping in touch. So I clicked send and sat back to wonder what he’d think when he read it. I looked up at the photo of us on Skye, still pinned to my wall, and smiled.

  It’d been just over two months since Hayley abandoned her whole life and I’d hardly heard from her. She had called me to say thank you for helping with her stuff, and I’d sent her a birthday card a week earlier, so she texted me to say thanks but that was it. I’d asked how it was going and she hadn’t replied. I just hoped she was happy, with the pigs and the sheep and the mud and the rain, and the harsh winter that was forecast was surely going to batter the Isle of Skye with more force than she’d ever seen before.