Independent Jenny

by Sarah Louise Smith

  That night, once again, I dreamt that Will and I were sitting together at Elgol, watching the clouds pass over the Cuillins, not tense or nervous but just being ourselves. I woke up feeling sad.

  After breakfast that morning, I called Shane. He and Andrew were up for the ice hockey and Shane offered to drive us all there.

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  It was my first Saturday without a wedding for a few weeks and I pottered around the house cleaning, and then took Wentworth for a long walk. On our way back home, I saw Aiden walking down the other side of the street and wondered for a moment if I should look down, pretend I hadn’t noticed him, or cross over and say hi. I was just about to opt for the latter when he caught my eye, smiled and came over to my side.

  “Hey Jenny.” He looked about as awkward as I felt.

  “Hi Aiden, how are you?”

  “I’m fine. You?”

  “Fine.”

  We smiled at each other. Wentworth was shaking his bum from side to side and nudging Aiden’s arm. He bent down and made a fuss of him.

  “You’re such a good boy,” he told him, rubbing his ears. He looked up at me.

  “I heard about your flat. It sounds nice.”

  “Yeah, it’s lovely.”

  “I’m happy for you.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Well, I’d better get on,” he said, standing up.

  “Yes, me too.”

  He nodded and smiled and I started to walk.

  “Jenny?”

  I turned around to face him. He was such a lovely, kind person, and the hurt on his face made me feel so guilty.

  “We’ve broken the ice now, so don’t be a stranger, yeah?”

  I smiled. “Yeah.”

  He nodded and turned away. I walked home feeling sad again, Wentworth’s cheerful expression being the only thing to lift my spirits.

  Now, what does one wear to an ice hockey match? I went through my wardrobe, deciding to go for comfy casual, seeing as I wouldn’t spend much time with Howard up close, if at all. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a fleece I’d bought for the Skye holiday. A few flicks of mascara and I was good to go.

  “You’re going to be freezing,” Andrew said as I climbed into the back of Shane’s car outside my house.

  “Really?” I asked. “It’s so mild out.”

  “Didn’t the word ‘ice’ give you a clue?”

  “Ah, well.” I shrugged. “Drive on.”

  An hour later, I was wondering what the hell I’d been thinking. Howard hadn’t exaggerated when he said they didn’t sell that many tickets; we had plenty of choice about where to sit, and Andrew was correct about how cold I might be. It was freezing. Shane put his arm around me and rubbed my shoulders but I couldn’t help but shiver.

  “Want my gloves?” he offered.

  “No, I was stupid enough to come without mine, you keep them.”

  “Here, you have them,” he said, taking them off.

  “You two are so like a married couple,” Andrew said, rolling his eyes. “I can see why it bothered Ross.”

  Shane nudged him hard in the ribs and while I giggled. I knew Andrew was joking.

  I got out my phone and texted Howard.

  We are here. Good luck! x

  He replied straight away.

  Great! Wait behind after x

  I smiled and put my phone away. And then the drama started.

  My expectation of the evening was that two teams would come out, they’d skate around, knock the puck about, score some goals, and it’d look something like it did on the Winter Olympics, of which I’d watched plenty, thanks to one of my mum’s ex-husbands, Bill, a Canadian who had us all glued to the TV screen during the 1994 games.

  This was nothing like that. For a start, I don’t remember the quite so dramatic music and disco lights.

  “Why do I feel like we’re at a wrestling event instead of ice hockey?” I whispered to Shane.

  “What?” he yelled back, unable to hear me over the music which surely only belonged in an epic disaster movie right at the point the hero was about to save the day.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I yelled back, unable to repeat myself when the guy sitting on the other side of me was obviously a serious fan. He had already started whooping and yelling.

  To my enormous relief, the coloured lights stopped rather abruptly and out came the teams. I couldn’t tell which one was Howard with his helmet on.

  “What’s his last name?” Andrew asked across Shane.

  “Morris,” I told them.

  We scanned the player’s shirts until Shane pointed him out.

  The game began and to start with, I was quite excited as Howard’s team seemed to be playing quite well and nearly scored a few goals.

  Then a fight began. I wasn’t sure how it started but someone barged someone else and then Howard threw his gloves and helmet on the floor, as did a player from the other team and they started fighting each other, really rather brutally, in my expert feminine opinion.

  I felt myself get anxious and looked to the referee to break it up, but to my dismay he just let them get on with it, and then the music and the coloured lights started up again. What?

  The guy next to me jumped up, yelling: “Yeah! Go on Morris, kill him!”

  What?

  I looked at Shane and Andrew in horror but they were just laughing.

  And then, just like that, Howard and the other guy were escorted to a box beside the rink.

  “They have to have time-out, then they can come back in,” Andrew shouted across Shane when I gave him a confused look.

  I sat quietly after that, watching the part-sport, part-fighting and was relieved when there was a break.

  “It’s fun huh?” Andrew smiled at me.

  “I didn’t expect all the fighting,” I admitted. “I find it a bit … un-sportsman like. How come it’s allowed?”

  “It’s just part of it,” he told me. “Sometimes it’s even planned in advance. For entertainment.”

  Huh, so it really was like wrestling after all.

  “I think I just lost respect for the whole thing,” I said back, careful to ensure the huge ice hockey fan next to me didn’t hear. “I don’t like fighting.”

  Andrew shrugged. “It’s just the way it works.”

  “I think it’s quite good fun,” Shane said, getting up. “Drinks?”

  “A coffee would be nice,” Andrew said.

  “Make that two,” I told him.

  “It doesn’t work like that at the Winter Olympics,” I declared. “Or at least, not that I remember.”

  Andrew shrugged. “Different rules.”

  A text came in.

  Enjoying it?! Xx

  Well, no actually.

  Yeah, it’s great x

  I sat through the next twenty minutes, feeling a bit lifeless. The fighting was annoying, but even the actual ice hockey between the combat bored me. Every time another fight started I felt uncomfortable, and I was so cold I couldn’t feel my toes. I couldn’t be doing with this every week, or every other week, or however often he said he played, I couldn’t remember now.

  I told the guys I was going to pee during the next break. After leaving the ladies, I bought a hot chocolate and found a seat in the cafe area. There were rows of yellow plastic chairs and a handful of hockey fans wandering about. One of them had ‘Morris’ on the back of her jersey and I wondered if she fancied him. She’d probably think I was lucky, getting to date him. Maybe I should give her his number. The people started to drift back to their seats but I continued to sit where I was, staring into my murky brown water and wondering if this dating game was really for me.

  The game started up again and I didn’t get up. I stared down at the table in front of me and wondered how long it’d be until we could leave.

  “You okay?” Shane’s voice made me jump.

  “Yeah, sorry,” I said, smiling. He sat down opposite me.

  “It’s not what you thought?” />
  “No. It’s not. I hate it.”

  “It’s not for everyone. Andrew loves it. I’m not bothered really.”

  “You can go watch it with him.”

  “It’s all right. How are you, really? You seem kind of sad.”

  “I don’t know Shane. I just didn’t expect to find myself here.”

  “Watching ice hockey?”

  “No, almost thirty and almost divorced.”

  “I know.”

  “And it’s all very well, saying I should date and have fun, but I don’t want to. I want to be married again. I want to feel safe and loved and settled.”

  “Well, have that then.”

  “What?”

  “Take Ross back.”

  “You really think I could trust him again?”

  “I don’t know. But marriages do recover from this sort of thing. Maybe he would go to counselling.”

  “He has been, actually. And he said we could go together.”

  Was I really considering this?

  “I’m just saying, you loved Ross, he loved you, you were happy at one point. You both let things slip. Maybe you could start again. Maybe it’s something to think about.”

  “I thought you didn’t like him much.”

  “I’m not the one who’d have to live with him.”

  “It’s just … since I went to Skye … I can’t stop thinking about Will. We had something, Shane. Something real and amazing.”

  “It was a holiday romance, things always seem better on holiday.”

  “I know. But I think I love him.”

  Shane raised his eyebrows then started rubbing his beard.

  “And he’s married, right?”

  “Yes,” I sighed.

  “You’ll get over him. Just relax, keep your spirits up, and you’ll meet someone else, just as amazing as Will. Or even better. Or even figure things out with Ross.”

  “Thanks, Shane.” I reached out and squeezed his hand and he gave me a warm smile.

  A loud roar came from the crowd.

  “Another fight?”

  “Probably.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “You wanna go as soon as it’s over?”

  “Yes please.”

  “I’ll go wait with Andrew and we’ll see you by the car.”

  He handed me his keys.

  “Thanks Shane.”

  “It’s going to work out fine, you know that, right? You’ll be happy again.”

  I smiled and choked back a tear.

  “Thank you. I’m not unhappy … I like my flat … I’m just lonely I guess.”

  “I know.”

  He walked off to find his boyfriend and I grabbed my stuff and headed out to his car. I realised I’d better tell Howard I’d left, so once strapped in on the back seat, I texted him to say I had a headache and therefore gone home. He never replied and I didn’t hear from him again.

  Chapter Fifty

  It was the Monday after the ice hockey and I was going through my financial accounts. I had no idea how anyone like me managed to run a business before Microsoft gave us Excel. My maths was atrocious and even with my very detailed spreadsheet, I wasn’t sure I had everything correct. I did as much as I could and zapped an email to my accountant; more than happy to pay for his mathematical skills to sort it all out for me.

  Winter was almost here and that meant far fewer weddings and less business in general. I had always money put to one side for the quieter months, but I usually relied on Ross to help with bills over the quieter season and it was going to be tight on my own. Still, I had a vague sense of pride that I was able to cope without a man, financially at least.

  I had resisted the urge to look through my Skye photos for some time, but without giving my brain the chance to tell me it wasn’t a good idea, I went and opened the files and clicked through them. There were a few early ones of Hayley, lots of views, a few of Will – not enough – and plenty of the dogs. I glanced at Wentworth, asleep in the corner and wondered if he ever had dreams about Fern, like I did about Will. He twitched and I pictured his dream; running through the grass, with a spectacular view before him, Fern on his flank. Me and Will walking behind, talking. Ugh. I had to stop doing this to myself.

  Especially since I had a date that evening with Ross. I had phoned him and suggested we go out for dinner. I said it was as friends, but really I wanted to see if there any spark there still, if there was anything that could be rekindled. I hoped so. For the first time since he told me he’d cheated, I felt I was past the anger and hurt and had forgiven him.

  Getting the trust back wouldn’t be easy, and we would both have to work hard, but I was prepared to give it a go.

  I flicked back to the photos I’d taken the day before of a family group. My phone started singing the theme from Hairspray at me – I’d changed it while thinking about Will the day before – and to my surprise, I saw Hayley’s name pop up.

  “Hello stranger,” I said, wondering if the bubble had burst and she was calling to say she was coming home. Would Kieran take her back, I wondered? I somehow doubted it.

  “Hi Jenny,” she said, sounding cheerful. I realised I’d missed her chirpy voice.

  “Hi Hayley.” I went over to sit down on the sofa and tucked my legs beneath me. Wentworth came and sat beside me and rested his chin on my knee. “How’s it going?”

  “It’s going well. Really, really well and I am very, very sorry for not being in touch with you for so long.”

  “It’s okay, I’m sure you’ve been busy with the farm and everything.”

  “Yes, it’s been really busy. I’ve also got a job. Working at a restaurant in a hotel.”

  “That’s great, Hayley, I’m really pleased for you.”

  And I meant it too. So that’s why she was happier; I couldn’t see her working on the farm for long. Dirty fingernails and manual labour were never going to be her thing.

  “Thank you. How are things with you? What’s been going on?”

  “Well, I got myself a flat.”

  “Oh wow, whereabouts?”

  “Just around the corner from my studio. It’s really nice, I have a little garden.”

  “Aww, lovely. How is Shane?”

  “His usual self, you should call him.”

  “And how’s everything with Ross?”

  “I haven’t seen much of him, I wanted some space, but we’re going on a date this evening actually.”

  “Ah, that’s nice.”

  “I don’t know how it’s going to work out but we’ll see.”

  Should I ask about Will? Surely she’d met Mandy by now. I wondered if she liked her. Actually, I didn’t want to know. Better not to think of him at all. In fact, that should be my new rule; no Will thoughts. Ever again.

  “And what happened with Aiden?”

  “I gave it a go, but it didn’t work out. Too complicated, and I wasn’t ready really for a serious relationship.”

  “I’m sorry Jenny. I should’ve been there for you through all this.”

  Yes, I thought. You should have. But what good was a grudge now? She’d called eventually, and I was pleased to hear from her.

  “Don’t be. I’m doing fine, really. Work’s going well, I see Shane all the time, Ross and I are going to see what happens, and I’m just starting to feel settled and happy.”

  “That’s great, I’m so pleased to know that.”

  “Thanks. I’m glad you’re happy too.”

  “I’ve not been a very good friend to you, I know. I think about you all the time, I’ve just been kind of embarrassed I suppose.”

  “Embarrassed about what?”

  “The way I handled things. Ditching you for Guy while you were here. Not coming down there to tell Kieran in person. When I think about it all, it’s no wonder you were mad with me before I left.”

  “It’s your life, Hayley. I just felt bad for Kieran.”

  “I know, me too. I realise now I didn’t handle it all so well. I wish I coul
d’ve treated him better although the outcome would have been the same. How is he?”

  “Okay, I think.” I sighed, remembering how upset he was the first time I saw him after returning from Skye. I was glad all that hurt wasn’t for nothing at least; she was still happy and felt she’d done the right thing for her. It would’ve been even worse if she’d broken his heart for nothing.

  I told her about Howard, the date and the ice hockey. She laughed.

  “Oh the joys of dating, I don’t miss that. Remember some of the losers I went out with before I met Kieran?”

  We chatted for a while longer about her failed attempts to find the man for her. As it turned out, she’d already found him; she just needed to run off to Skye to get him back again. We giggled, talking about some of the fun we’d had.

  “I’ve missed this,” I told her after a while. “I miss you.”

  “Oh Jen, I’ve missed you too! I’m going to be better at keeping in touch, I promise.”

  “Good. I’m glad you’re happy, for what it’s worth.”

  “I am. I was in a bit of a clouded bubble I admit, only thinking about myself and Guy, forcing myself to forget about the life I was giving up and the pain I might be causing back home. I guess I just didn’t want to know about Kieran and my life back there, you know? Too guilty I suppose. So I shut myself off, but I shouldn’t have ignored your calls.”

  “Enough of all of that. Life has moved on, and we can carry on where we left off now. Perhaps we can make an appointment to speak on a weekly basis?”

  “I’d love that.”

  “Okay, let’s make sure we do it.”

  “So, I had another reason for calling.”

  “Is everything okay with Guy?”

  “Yes. It’s wonderful Jenny, just like it was when we were kids. We get on so well together and we connect in every way. Coming up here was the best thing I’ve ever done. Truly.”

  “Good. And I mean that.”

  “Thank you, that means a lot. On Friday night I came home and he’d cooked me dinner, lit candles, there was champagne waiting and everything.”