Independent Jenny

by Sarah Louise Smith

“That’s lovely,” I told her, not jealous at all. Well, not much. “How romantic.”

  “And then he got down on one knee, produced this beautiful ring, and he proposed! We’re getting married!”

  Seriously? She was ready to marry him after such a short amount of time back together? I pulled out the over enthusiastic albeit fake voice I save for my brides.

  “Oh wow, Hayley, that’s wonderful. I’m really happy for you.”

  How long had it been since they’d met again? Yet, this was Hayley all over; impulsive, romantic … and she usually landed on her feet so who was I to judge? The insincerity faded and I felt genuinely happy for her.

  “And we’re getting married next Saturday!”

  “Saturday? But it’s Monday today!”

  “I know! Crazy isn’t it?! But there’s a spot open at the hotel I work at, and we just thought we’d do it. We booked it all about an hour before I called. So will you come? I need a photographer!”

  “Oh Hayley, I don’t know, it’s such short notice.”

  “Do you have any weddings booked this weekend? Please say no!”

  I’d see Will again. With Mandy. Oh, god, it’d be awkward. And I’d just feel like crap and it’d make it even harder to forget him. This was a very, very bad idea. I was just starting to enjoy being Independent Jenny. Independent Jenny didn’t need to see the man she couldn’t have; it’d only make her Sad and Pathetic Jenny.

  “No, but Hayley, I can’t just drop everything.”

  “But you’re my best friend,” she said, sounding disappointed. “I know I haven’t treated you well but you have to be there, Jen. Come and be my maid of honour slash photographer. I’ll pay you.”

  Well, I could use the money.

  “I couldn’t charge you.”

  “Well, I’ll give you the petrol money. And the drinks and food and the hotel room are all on us. Please, please, please?”

  “Okay, okay.”

  “Hurray! I’d suggest you could stay here but Will is going to be, of course. But we’ll pay for the hotel, no problem. My parents are coming and my sister, and Guy’s mum and Aunty. And that’s it I think. Just a small affair, nothing fancy.”

  “Sounds lovely.”

  “Guy, she’s coming!”

  “That’s great, can’t wait to see you again Jenny,” I heard Guy call in the background.

  “That’s nice,” I told Hayley. “Tell him I look forward to seeing you both too.”

  “Do you think Shane and Andrew will come?”

  “I don’t know if they’re free. They might.”

  “You could bring Ross, too.”

  “I’ll think about that, but thank you.”

  “I’m so excited! So you’ll drive up Friday, yeah? And shall I book you in until Monday?”

  “Yes, I only have one booking but I’m sure I can rearrange it. Email me the hotel details,” I told her. “I’ll be there.”

  We said our goodbyes and my head whirled into a spin. A weekend on the Isle of Skye, the one place I’d felt truly happy in the past six months. Back in the company of Will, a man I might be in love with. But his wife would be there. I was kind of curious to see what Mandy was like, but knew it’d be awkward. He’d said we couldn’t talk anymore, but we were hardly going to be able to avoid each other at such a small wedding. I closed my eyes and pictured him in a suit. Then I opened them again and pulled the photo down from behind my desk. I tucked it in a drawer and decided I needed a distraction.

  I went down to the cafe, and told Shane all about the phone call.

  “How exciting, and just like Hayley.”

  “So you’ll come?”

  “I’ll need to find cover for this place.”

  “I’ll work extra, I need the money,” called Angie.

  “Andrew might not come though, he hates long journeys.”

  Shane’s phone rang and he showed me the caller ID; it was Hayley. He had a very enthusiastic conversation with her while I ate the last of his red velvet cupcakes behind the counter.

  Chapter Fifty-One

  I didn’t know what to wear for my date with Ross, so I settled on some skinny jeans, a black top and a hot pink cardigan. I put a little make-up on and curled the ends of my hair. I made effort, but not too much. We were going to our favourite Italian for dinner and I’d said maybe we’d get a drink afterwards.

  When Ross knocked on my door at 7pm, I was nervous. Scared I was making a mistake, and terrified that I’d end up hurt again. But seeing his smiling face when I opened my front door made me relax; he was still the same Ross I’d married, and I still loved him.

  “You look pretty,” he said, smiling. “Ready?”

  I grabbed my bag and followed him down the street and into the centre of town, chatting about his job and my clients as if it was just another day in our marriage.

  “You’re still wearing your wedding ring?” I asked him as we sat down at the table in the restaurant. It was our favourite place and I’d missed coming here.

  Ross glanced at his ring and picked up a menu. “Yeah, well. We’re still married, right?”

  I nodded. “And have you dated anyone … you know, recently?”

  He looked away from the menu and at me.

  “Not since you broke up with Aiden. What about you?”

  “I went on one date, didn’t like him much.”

  He grinned at me and I grinned back. The waiter came and took our order and then … silence descended.

  “I’ve still been seeing the therapist,” he told me, fiddling with the salt pot.

  “Oh yeah?”

  “She said…”

  “Ross, you don’t have to tell me what she said. I’m glad you’ve been going but you don’t need to explain anything. To be honest, I don’t want to know why you did those things. I just want to know you’ll never do them again.”

  “Never, ever again. I nearly lost you – I might still have lost you – and I’d never risk that. I love you.”

  He put his hands on mine. His touch felt warm and comforting and I couldn’t bring myself to move away.

  “I love you too,” I told him. “But I think it’s more like a friend. I’m not sure how much I want to be your wife or not right now.”

  “It’s okay, there’s no rush. However long it takes.”

  I nodded and he moved his hands away.

  A few bottles of Prosecco later, and my resolve was fading; I really wanted to have him take me right there in the pub we had just walked into.

  “Vodka and cranberry?” he asked, as I found us two seats in the corner.

  “Please!”

  I sat and watched him ordering our drinks. Even after all these years, he was still so attractive to me. I watched him sharing a joke with a guy at the bar and remembered another thing I loved about him; he always found it easy to talk to anyone he met and could be really rather charming.

  That was probably how he charmed that girl – all those girls – into bed, I thought.

  Oh, those girls.

  Was it here? In this pub?

  I thought I might be sick at the thought. I stared down at my feet,

  “You okay babe?”

  “Have you ever met a woman in this pub?”

  “Oh Jesus, Jenny, do you really want to do this?”

  He sat down opposite and put our drinks down.

  “So you did, then?”

  “No, not here.”

  “Where?”

  “Why does that matter? I thought we were moving on?”

  I sighed. “We are, I suppose. I just had a moment, that’s all.”

  He pushed my drink towards me.

  “We can’t expect everything to be like it was before right away.”

  “No,” I said. I smiled at him and took a sip of my drink. Would it always be like this? I’d just start to relax and enjoy his company, and really fancy him, and start to think that I could fall in love as deeply as before, and then I’d think about those girls and it’d all be bad again?<
br />
  “Do you think you can trust me again? Because that’s the part we need to know.”

  “I don’t know Ross.”

  I downed my drink and he smiled at me sadly and took a sip of his.

  “You want to go home?”

  “Yes.”

  We got up, leaving his pint of lager on the table and walked slowly back to my flat in silence. As we came to my street, I slipped my hand in his and he squeezed it.

  “So can I take you out again?”

  “Maybe.”

  “This weekend?”

  “I’m going to Skye this weekend, Hayley’s getting married.”

  “Huh. That’s nice.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Next week then?”

  “Sure.”

  We reached my door, and he gave me a hug. I didn’t let go and felt his lips on my cheek and then they made their way to my mouth, and I let him kiss me. It was slow and tender, and I almost suggested he come in. But then he released me, gave me a smile, and turned and walked away, leaving me wondering whether I’d enjoyed it or not.

  Chapter Fifty-Two

  Later that week Shane and I set about preparing for the trip; Andrew said he’d happily stay home and look after the cafe and the dogs for the weekend. Shane said we could take his car and share the driving. We planned our route and I thought about what a different place I was in now, mentally, to when I was planning the first trip to Skye with Hayley. What a lot had happened in that time. I’d left Bath a scared, hurt wife and returned a slightly happier, more upbeat ready-for-a-divorce woman. And since then I’d messed Aiden around, I’d gone to an ice hockey match I’d rather forget … but I was finding myself. Perhaps this trip would allow me to get some closure on Will and finally tick the last box on my becoming independent list. I didn’t need him, or any man. I was doing it alone and I was doing fine, as it turned out. And if Ross and I dated for a while, perhaps we’d be happy again. But if not – that was okay, too.

  I pictured myself shining the feminism medal I would surely receive sometime soon, and walked home that night imagining myself as the British Beyoncé. Or perhaps just Keira Knightly in those adverts for Chanel. I was a cool, calm, confident woman in control of her own life.

  Then I lay down in bed and thought about being at the wedding with Will and his wife. Eek.

  Hayley emailed me detailed instructions about the bridesmaid dress she wanted me to buy, which I loved the second I saw it: a dark magenta, knee length in a floaty chiffon material. I’d never heard of the designer but the price tag was high enough to know it was someone pretentious – sorry – well-known. I had the shop assistant, a serious looking girl named Megan with perfect eyebrows, call Hayley who gave her credit card number.

  “She says I also need to help you pick some shoes,” Megan said as she hung up the phone.

  “Oh, I can do that,” I said, smiling.

  “No, she said you’ll need help.”

  “I guess I’m fashion-challenged!” I said, laughing awkwardly.

  Megan looked at my current outfit – skinny jeans and a t-shirt I’d had so long I forgot where I bought it – and nodded her head in confirmation.

  “Come with me.”

  An hour later I was walking around my studio, hoping the silver strappy sandals Hayley had also paid for would be more comfortable when I’d worn them in a bit. I wasn’t used to high heels and the risk of my falling over, especially after a few glasses of bubbles, seemed pretty high.

  I was just taking them off when my laptop buzzed to tell me my mum was calling me for a video chat. I told her about Hayley, showed her the dress, and she whooped with excitement and said she loved a good wedding – well, we all knew that already, I felt like saying but didn’t – and asked me lots of worrying questions about money, about being alone at night, and finally the weather.

  “You know, Sadie has lived alone since university. Do you ask her all these questions?”

  “Sadie has always been strong and independent. You were always clingy. Plus you always had Ross, well since a young age.”

  “Well, I’m quite happy,” I told her. “Honestly. I’ve had my ups and downs but I’m finally starting to feel good about my life again.”

  “Well, that’s wonderful to know. I’m happy for you.”

  I deliberately didn’t tell her I might be getting back together with Ross; I knew she’d encourage and push me to make it happen, and I still wasn’t sure how I felt about it all.

  We finished with yet another empty promise from me about coming to visit.

  I gazed out of the window for a while and considered if visiting Mum might actually be a good plan. Get some distance; forget about all the emotional ups and downs of the past year. Let Andrew have some Shane time without me calling every ten minutes.

  And that’s when I realised it. I really was independent. I was coping financially – just about; I was thinking about taking trips on my own. I was making decisions about what to eat, what to do with my time, what to watch on TV, just simple every day decisions, but based solely on what I wanted and what would make me happy. And I liked it.

  Still, Independent Jenny might be getting her life together; but she was still thinking a lot about a certain man. A married, unobtainable man.

  As Friday got closer, I felt more and more nervous about seeing Will and Mandy. I wasn’t sure how I’d cope but when I said so to Shane, he said it’d be fine and maybe I wouldn’t even have the same feelings when I saw him. I didn’t believe that’d be the case but just knowing Shane would be there with me providing rational advice and a drunken shoulder to cry on, was kind of reassuring.

  Three hours into the journey however, I wasn’t sure having him along was a good idea.

  “How much further?” he asked as we swapped turns for driving.

  “Another seven, eight hours maybe,” I told him.

  “Wow, it’s such a long, long way.”

  “It’ll seem even longer if you moan every other mile. Put some music on or something.”

  He did as I suggested and onwards we went, slowly getting closer to our friend, and to her fiancé, and his brother. Eek. And his sister-in-law. Double-eek.

  Shane relaxed a bit once we passed Glasgow. He was enthusiastic about the mountains, although they weren’t as visible as when I’d seen them a few months ago; it was raining and the water made the view hazy.

  “It really is stunning,” Shane said, peering out of the window. “I can see why you fell in love with this area.”

  “I fell in love with Skye,” I told him. “But yes I love it here too.”

  “I’m looking forward to seeing this Will.”

  “I’m not.”

  “I know. But you’ll be fine.”

  “So you keep saying.”

  “What can go wrong? It’ll feel a bit weird but he’s not going to chat to you non-stop with his wife there, is he?”

  He had a point.

  “I’ll just get drunk and forget he’s there, I guess.”

  “Good plan. Just go easy in those shoes.”

  I chuckled. “Perhaps I’ll take them off after the ceremony.”

  “Good idea, I hate to see a woman cripple her feet in the name of fashion.”

  “I can’t believe Hayley’s getting married like this, so fast.”

  “Well, she’s loved this guy, what’s his name?”

  “The guy’s name is Guy.”

  “Oh yeah,” Shane laughed. “She’s loved Guy since she was … what, fifteen?”

  “True.”

  “Sometimes you just know, I suppose.”

  I thought about Will and sighed. “Yes, I suppose.”

  “Hurrah, the bridge!” he said as it came into view.

  “Not long now,” I told him.

  The happy hormones started to buzz around as we crossed the bridge, and then finally we were on the Isle of Skye. I was thrilled to be here again, despite the very different and potentially awkward circumstances. I wondered if Will an
d Mandy had arrived yet. I hoped not. I wanted to spend as little time around them as possible.

  We drove along the familiar roads, up and down hills, passed sheep, looked down on the town of Uig. The sky was grey, it was drizzly and not so bright and pleasant as the sunny week I’d enjoyed here with Will, and yet it was still beautiful. I’d rather spend a cold rainy day on Skye than be at home in the sunshine.

  When we came to the familiar track, I jumped out and opened the gate for Shane to drive through. And then we were driving down the lane, and there was Guy’s house. And outside, next to his Land Rover, was Will’s Audi.

  Chapter Fifty-Three

  “Jenny! Shane!” Hayley whooped from the doorway as we got out of the car. It was still raining heavily and we ran to her and enjoyed a group hug. It was good to hug her again. She smelled of her same favourite perfume and her hair was longer and falling about her shoulders in big waves. The anger I’d felt when I last saw her had all gone now. She was happy, and as it turned out, perhaps she had made the right choices, even if she’d gone about it all in the wrong way.

  She ushered us into the house, which had changed dramatically. The old faded wallpaper had been stripped and replaced with bright colourful paint. The clutter was gone, the furniture had been polished. She’d turned the house around and made it her own, and it looked amazing.

  “I love what you’ve done with the place,” I told her. She smiled.

  “Thank you. It needed a woman’s touch.”

  Guy, Will and Mandy didn’t seem to be around and I didn’t want to ask why not.

  Hayley gestured for us to sit in the living room and fetched us cups of tea. Once settled, she told us all about the past several months, about her job and Guy and the house. Then she asked about us and we filled her in. It was just like old times and I was glad we’d come. She didn’t mention the others or where they were, and I was on edge every creak or noise that came, wondering if they were about to appear.

  “Where is your darling husband to be then?” Shane asked as if reading my mind.

  “Oh, his brother arrived a while ago and they went out to see the sheep. One of them had a dodgy leg yesterday so Will’s going to take a look. He’s a vet.”