Play It Again, SAHM
Page 18
“And have a doctor look at your daughter’s bruise…which was caused by…?”
“Me tackling her a second before she cooked our cat.”
“Ah. Might want to keep a closer eye on stuff like that, huh?”
That earned him a glare of Mommy-Rage. He actually took a step backward.
“And…maybe you should talk to the Humane Society and get some behavior advice.”
“For who? The cat or the child?”
Finally, a wisp of a smile. “Both?”
This may be the first time in my life that I’ve been so angry I didn’t dare come within six feet of my daughter. She took one look at me and fled to her room and stayed there until Tom got home. He took us both to the doctor—keeping us on opposite sides of the waiting room and everything. MacKenzie’s head is fine. But I got three stitches, and have to take antibiotics in case any germs from the cat pee infected the wounds.
Thank goodness the officer is a dad and understood what was going on, or we could have been in HUGE trouble! I can’t even remember which client was on the phone, so I’ll have to check caller ID later and try to convince her I’m not insane.
Just looking at the microwave makes me slightly ill.
I still haven’t spoken to MacKenzie yet, and it’s six hours later. I know the Bible says not to let the sun go down on your anger, but this is just one case where there is no way I was going to cool off in time to make that deadline.
And Rosie? I don’t know. I think he’s hiding under the couch.
Anybody have recommendations for a cat psychologist in the Springfield area?
Dulcie
From: Zelia Muzuwa
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Catty-Cake (or Ring-Around-The-Rosie)
For you, Dulcie-babe—sounds like it describes the scene at your house pretty well:
“…my mother weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat wringing her hands…” (The Two Gentlemen Of Verona, Act II, Scene III)
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Catty-Cake (or Ring-Around-The-Rosie)
No, it was more like, from Mac’s perspective anyway “…my mother screeching, my father yelling at me, my sisters smirking, our cat sinking its claws into my mother’s head…”
And our maid? What maid? I’d like to have one of those! Ridiculous that in twenty-first-century America, we don’t have what was fairly normal in Elizabethan times. I want a maid, blast it! That way, she can do all that mundane housekeeping stuff like rescuing cats from microwaves. And I could actually get work done without head trauma.
Dulcie
From: Rosalyn Ebberly
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: [SAHM I AM] TOTW December 14: Great Expectations
’Tis the season, ladies! ’Tis the season for… Rehearsals every evening for some Christmas recital or production of some kind—and of course, you or your child MUST attend or face the wrath of the director…
… Who has called you last minute, begging you to help her out by making fifty shepherd and angel costumes because the person who was going to do it procrastinated and then accidentally blew up her sewing machine…
…So you say yes, because how can you disappoint all those kids? Only to find out that you’re also expected to play Dutiful Wife at your husband’s office Christmas party to welcome the new boss three nights before the costumes are due…
…And at the party, everyone looks at you weird because you overdressed and HOW were you supposed to know that “semiformal” in their minds meant not having holes in your jeans???…
…Meanwhile, you are chewing your fingernails to the quick for the first time since fifth grade because your child has made it perfectly clear that the ONLY thing she wants for Christmas is her own television set for her room, and that’s less likely to happen than you waking up one morning to discover that you now are as beautiful and wealthy as Eva Longoria Parker, so she’s bound to be crushed on Christmas morning when all she gets are the practical and acceptable (to you) gifts you’ve purchased for her….
…Which STILL cost more money than what your husband was hoping for, which means that not only will you have disappointed children, you will have a disgruntled husband…
…Which means that the blessed, warm, golden Christmas that everyone is counting on you to provide, along with happy memories they’ll treasure forever IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
So in this scenario, how would you respond? Discuss, please.
Rosalyn Ebberly
SAHM I Am Loop Moderator
“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)
From: The Millards
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: [SAHM I AM] TOTW and Retreat Question
I think I’m not really one who has a right to talk about dealing with the expectations of other people. I’m horrible about that! If anyone comes up with a solution, I’m all ears…er, eyes, as the case may be.
However, I do have a question for everyone about the retreat. Rosalyn and I have been talking about how nice it would be to have a time of worship Sunday morning. I know we all want to keep things simple, but if we did have some sort of service, what would you all like?
Just want to make sure we…um…meet your expectations. (Told you I have a weakness for that!)
Jocelyn
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW and Retreat Question
Let’s do a worship service. Phyllis can preach! Remember, she filled in for her DH at her church when he got strep throat. As for the rest of it— I don’t care, as long as we don’t have to sing “Father Abraham” or “Zaccheaus Was A Wee Little Man” or “Arkie Arkie”!
Dulcie
From: Brenna L
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW and Retreat Question
Rats! After working in the Sunday School nearly every Sunday since Madeline was six, those are the only songs I know! Actually, I’d like to see us do communion. I usually miss it at our church, and sharing that with all you gals would be really a nice touch.
Brenna
From: Hannah Farrell
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW and Retreat Question
Um, aren’t you all forgetting something? We can’t have preaching without a PASTOR! And how are you going to have a pastor come when it’s all women?
Same thing for communion! It would be like all sacrilegious and everything if we just passed around grape juice and crackers without having a real pastor there to make it official.
I totally think this is a bad idea. Maybe we can just sing a few hymns or something and have someone read a devotional. None of that rock music/love song stuff they call worship that doesn’t even like mention God’s name or anything! I figure if they could play it on a top-40s radio station, it can’t be all THAT spiritual.
Not trying to be a wet blanket or anything, but you guys are awfully irreverent to suggest that we could all just get together and act like we’re a church, just cause we’re all Christians!
Hannah
From: Brenna L
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW and Retreat Question
< you’re awfully irreverent to suggest that we could all just get together and act like we’re a church, just cause we’re all Christians!>
Um… I thought that WAS what a church is! Just a bunch of Christians getting together.
Brenna
From: Han
nah Farrell
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW and Retreat Question
Obviously, Brenna, you haven’t been part of a church for very long. Of course, I guess that’s probably obvious since you had a baby outside marriage and all that. Otherwise, you’d know that a REAL church has a pastor and a pastor’s wife that runs everything, and he’s the only one qualified to do stuff like communion and preaching. And if you don’t meet at a church, then it’s just a home group or Bible study or something—which doesn’t count.
And I don’t think this is going to work out anyway because I couldn’t possibly go to a worship service run by a bunch of women, and some of the people there won’t even be Christians! So I don’t see how we can have a proper worship service, and I think it would be disrespectful to God to try it. I think we should all just have a quiet time in our rooms Sunday morning.
I’m not trying to spoil the fun or anything. But we’re just all too different and have too many different ideas to actually worship together. And we don’t want to do anything wrong.
Hannah
Text Message From Jocelyn Millard: For Rosalyn Ebberly
——December 14/5:56 p.m.——
Help! Got so many emails 2day about worship service that my email crashed. Make it stop! Hannah is right—we r 2 different 2 worship 2gether. Some want hymns, some want rock bands, some want candles, some want liturgy, some want preaching!!! WaitN 4 Iona to suggest poetry.
Text Message From Jocelyn Millard: For Rosalyn Ebberly
——December 14/5:59 p.m.——
Can’t please them all! I never saw such picky bunch of people in my life! Wish I’d never brought it up!
Text Message From Rosalyn Ebberly: For Jocelyn Millard
——December 14/6:05 p.m.——
Now you know why I’m in therapy. Moderating all of you would do that to anyone! Okay, I’ll try to get them under control. After supper.
From: VIM
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW and Retreat Question
And y’all wonder why I don’t go to church? Listen to y’all—pecking and squawking like a bunch of chickens. Give me one good reason why I’d want to sit in a worship service like that! At least at the Catholic church Frank’s been dragging me to, there’s no arguing.
I don’t even know what “Arkie Arkie” is, and I gave my kids grape juice and crackers for a snack today—and lightning from heaven did not strike me.
Sunday morning at the retreat, I plan to sleep in, unless y’all come up with some compelling reason why I should join you. I’d get more peace and quiet at home with my kids.
Veronica
From: Iona James
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW and Retreat Question
Let’s have a poetry reading! Some of the poems we could all sing our own melody to, and that way everyone could have the sort of song they like. And then we could have one really long poem that has Bible verses in it and lots of good insights about God. But it wouldn’t technically be a sermon, since we all know that you can’t actually learn anything from a poem. So we’d be perfectly safe.
And if we had a poem about Jesus’s blood and His body, and we happened to be eating bread and drinking juice at the time, then it would just be a happy coincidence and I’m sure no one could possibly be upset about that, right?
Iona James
From: Zelia Muzuwa
To: “Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW and Retreat Question
I like her. Don’t you like her?
Iona, babe, how did we survive this long without you? Smoochies!
Z
From: Thomas Huckleberry
To: Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject: Testing
Hey Dulcie,
I’m just testing out my new computer setup. I think moving my computer to the family room was a great idea. That way you can work in your office without so much interruption.
I had a question, though. Do you think I should take the twins to get new mittens? They’ve both lost theirs…again.
Love,
Tom
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: Thomas Huckleberry
Subject: Re: Testing
Looks like the computer is working fine. Sure, take them shopping. Buy two pairs each for them this time. Maybe they’ll last for three weeks that way.
Dulcie
From: Thomas Huckleberry
To: Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject: Re: Testing
Great! Do you think mittens or gloves would be better?
Tom
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: Thomas Huckleberry
Subject: Re: Testing
Mittens. We always get them mittens. Keeps hands warmer than gloves. I’ve got to talk to a client in about five minutes. So taking them sooner rather than later would be a good idea.
Dulcie
From: Thomas Huckleberry
To: Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject: Re: Testing
I was thinking of going to the mall. Unless you think we should try to save money and find them at the thrift store instead?
Also, I might go to the grocery store, too. Do you need anything?
Tom
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: Thomas Huckleberry
Subject: Re: Testing
Go to the mall! I have no idea if we need anything from the store. My client is calling now—gotta go. Have a nice time.
Dulcie
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: “Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject: Shouldn’t gripe, but…
Why is it that after OVER TWO YEARS of being a stay-at-home dad, Tom still can’t make a decision about buying the kids mittens without pestering me for input? It’s NOT THAT HARD! Buy the stinking mittens already and let me work!
Putting the computer in the other room was supposed to mean I’d be interrupted LESS!
Sorry…you probably didn’t want to hear that. But I didn’t want to say it to him, and it had to be said somewhere.
Dulcie
Text Message From Tom Huckleberry: For Dulcie Huckleberry
——December 16/11:32 a.m.——
At grocery store now. Jst wanted u 2 know I love u. U looked cute this morning. Thxs 4 emailing me. Nice to have adult conversation.
From: VIM
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: [SAHM I AM] NEED BIRTHDAY PARTY IDEAS!
Seriously, y’all, this is a HUGE emergency! Stanley’s birthday is coming up. And even though Courtney’s fairy party was—by most measures—a tremendous success, I’m feeling like a gnat in a hailstorm. One of the girls demanded to be taken home when she realized we had no real fairies! She was furious. Said she was gypped and insisted on going home. Courtney was heartbroken, and it made us look stupid in front of the other parents.
So now it’s Stanley’s turn. So far, since Courtney’s party, he’s gone to a medieval jousting party where each boy got to try on a real suit of armor, and they hired a swords master to give them fencing lessons. And then there was the “wizarding school” party—complete with a potions class featuring weird, bubbling science experiments. Finally, just last week, there was a NASA-themed rocket party in which the parents rented a zero-gravity machine. Stanley threw up in it, so
now that birthday boy is threatening not to come to Stanley’s party.
You see why this is an emergency? Our reputation is at stake! What am I going to do to top those parties? I’m starting to feel like I need supernatural powers myself.
Veronica
From: Iona James
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] NEED BIRTHDAY PARTY IDEAS!
Why didn’t you tell me you needed fairies, Veronica? Of course I could have shipped you a whole box. They run quite wild around here—snitching my chocolate chips and hiding one sock out of each pair. Adorable little things, in spite of all that. :)
Of course, with my Irish heritage, I could keep you amply supplied with all sorts of sprites and wee folk. *wink*
Iona James
From: The Millards
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] NEED BIRTHDAY PARTY IDEAS!
Poor Veronica! You are the victim of your own success, I’m afraid. They’ve all got sky-high expectations now.
I remember the worst birthday party I ever tried to put on was a pool party for Cassia last summer. It rained and she was mad at me for weeks. As if I can control the weather and made it rain just to ruin her party. We rescheduled, of course, but only about a third of the kids ended up being able to come.
Whatever happened to Pin The Tail On The Donkey?
Jocelyn
From: VIM
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] NEED BIRTHDAY PARTY IDEAS!
Jocelyn Millard wrote:
Jocelyn, you are BRILLIANT! Thank you!!!
Veronica
From: The Millards
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] NEED BIRTHDAY PARTY IDEAS!
Uh… I don’t think I’ll want credit for whatever you are planning. But thanks anyway.
Jocelyn
Text Message From Katelynn Johnson: For Zelia Muzuwa
——December 18/6:53 p.m.——