Play It Again, SAHM

by Meredith Efken

  Hi ms. m! jst wtd 2 sA av a gud evng. thx 4 letN me babysit. dnt wori bout a ting. w’r gunA av a gr8 tym.

  Text Message From Zelia Muzuwa: For Katelynn Johnson

  ——December 18/6:56 p.m.——

  Katelynn ~:o We’re glad ur babysitting. bt a lil mor sittN n a lil less txtN wd B a gud idea, K?

  Text Message From Katelynn Johnson: For Zelia Muzuwa

  ——December 18/6:58 p.m.——

  Got it, ms. M!

  From: Zelia Muzuwa

  To: “Green Eggs and Ham”

  Subject: Guess where we’re at RIGHT NOW?

  Brass Elephant—a gorgeous, pricey grown-up restaurant, complete with chandeliers, marble fireplaces, and Tiffany skylights. We’re here for Tristan’s company holiday party. I am wearing high heels and a cocktail gown so gorgeous, Tristan is tripping over his own feet because he’s staring at me.

  I haven’t had a nice evening out like this in MONTHS! I know we all gripe about how stupid company parties are, but we’re getting adult atmosphere, lobster and a live jazz ensemble for FREE! Ahhh… I’m just sitting here inhaling the kid-free air. It’s beautiful.

  We have a new babysitter staying with the kids. The daughter of a friend at church. She seems really sweet. And conscientious, too. Only thirteen but I remember babysitting for large families at that age. She should be fine.

  Just wanted to crow a bit to my fab friends. You’re here in spirit with me!

  Love ya!

  Z

  ***This message was sent with BlackBerry.***

  Text Message From Katelynn: For Zelia Muzuwa

  ——December 18/8:17 p.m.——

  Set off fyr alarm. wz an axidnt. DK h2 turn it off. So loud w’r O/side n firetruck S hre n evryl askN me ?s +l DK answers, cum hom qik!!!

  From: Zelia Muzuwa

  To: “Green Eggs and Ham”

  Subject: Considering Committing Babysittercide

  I’m serious. I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry at a minor in my entire life. I consider myself a fairly open-minded, reasonable person, but THIS???

  Right in the middle of this delicious lobster meal, I get a nearly incomprehensible text message from Katelynn about the “fyr alarm” going off. And a second later, my cell phone rings and it is our security company telling us they received an alert from our smoke detectors, and I’m supposed to give them the password if everything is okay so they can call off the fire trucks.

  Of course, we had no idea if we even had a home left by this time, so we rushed off. When we got to our house, the fire trucks are there, and my brood is huddled in the cold outside, with a nearly hysterical babysitter whose vocabulary apparently has been reduced to “We didn’t set anything on fire! There’s no fire! It just went off! There’s not a fire!”

  And the entire neighborhood, it seems, had no other pressing obligations that evening, because they were all outside watching the trucks and chatting. (WHY does this always happen to us???)

  The firefighters finally let us inside. The place REEKED of matches, and the floor was covered with drops of wax. Smoke hung in the air. They’d tried to burn the entire house down!

  Tristan didn’t even look amazed. He grabbed Seamus’s arm and almost shook him. “CANDLES, Seamus? Could we not have even ONE evening without a disaster from you?”

  “You don’t know it was me!”

  “I am not stupid, my son.”

  Turns out that Seamus (of course) made the brilliant suggestion to Katelynn of “Hey, let’s light a bunch of taper candles and run around the house with them!”

  Knee-jerk reaction from Katelynn should have been “Over my dead body!” I mean, isn’t “Don’t play with fire” one of the cardinal babysitting rules that everybody knows?

  But NOOOOO. She apparently thought playing tag with lit candles sounded like a perfectly grand way to spend the evening. They created enough smoke that it set off our alarm, which is attached to our security system, so once it went off there was nothing Katelynn could do because she didn’t have the pass code to turn it off.

  What sort of idiot child would listen to anything my son suggested? Especially when it involved open flame? DUH! Bad idea!!!

  And not only did she ruin my Grown-Up Evening Out, but the worst of it is that because of all the commotion, Lishan is terrified to go to sleep now. She’s clinging to Tristan and doing everything she can to stay awake.

  I really, really could hurt a certain thirteen-year-old babysitter! Just wait till I tell her mother! And she’s never setting foot in this house again.

  It smells like smoke in here. And we were going to come home to a quiet house, take Katelynn home, light some candles of our own, and conclude our Very Grown-Up Evening with some Very Grown-Up Activities. Not going to happen NOW, thanks to Ms. Mensa and her Candle Caper.

  Boy I’d like to hit something right now.

  Zelia

  P.S. And don’t EVEN bother sending me a Shakespeare quote at the moment. My sense of humor is allergic to smoke and is now on life support in the E.R.

  From: Chad Ebberly

  To: Rosalyn Ebberly

  Subject: Re: What’s the REAL reason?

  Okay, fine. You want to know why I really decided to quit going to counseling with you? I can’t compete! You always have to be the best at everything—even at being completely dysfunctional. I couldn’t say two words without you insisting YOUR issues were worse, or weirder or more complicated. It happened to be true—which didn’t make it any easier!

  Everything is a competition. Even with us. I can’t even kiss you without feeling like you’re tabulating a score based on frequency and quality and comparing it to your own score.

  And heaven help you if you don’t come out on top. You obsess and fret about it until everyone wants to run away to the Sahara just for some peace and quiet.

  Why can’t you just accept yourself for who you are? You don’t have to be the best. (Or worst, as the case may be.) I’m tired of it, Ros. Nobody exhausts me like you do—so you can rest assured you’re the best in at least THAT.

  I quit going to counseling so that you could be the best at being messed up. Although I think you may still have competition with our children. But at least their sessions are separate from yours.

  You are already an amazing woman. I love you—for some inexplicable reason. No—it’s not inexplicable. But it has nothing to do with whether you’re the best or not. You’re the best for me, and if you could just get that concept, it would be a huge step forward for both of us.

  Chad

  From: Rosalyn Ebberly

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: [SAHM I AM] TOTW January 11: Being the Best

  Competitive Compatriots,

  What’s wrong with wanting to excel? With wanting to be the best at whatever we do? Doesn’t the Bible commend excellence?

  There is too much emphasis in our self-esteem fanatical culture about making sure everybody is equal. That nobody feels inferior or lacking in talent.

  When do we get rewarded for being talented? Why is competition suddenly a bad word?

  I want to be the best! What’s so wrong with that? It’s not that I want to make anyone else feel bad. I just want to achieve.

  So I say, let’s stop shirking from competition! Run away from mediocrity! If you’re going to do something, put your whole heart into it!

  What do you think? Is it bad to be the best? Is competition wrong?

  I wish you the BEST,

  Rosalyn Ebberly

  SAHM I Am Loop Moderator

  “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)

  From: VIM

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW January 11: Being the Best

  I think what my s
ister-dear is trying to say is that when you’ve been brought up in a family where even growing was turned into a contest, it’s pretty hard to change.

  However, sometimes that comes in useful—like when you’re trying to throw the absolute most fantastic birthday party in the city! Okay, here’s what we came up with for Stanley’s party on Friday:

  I am going to make it SNOW here in Houston! Yes, really. Jocelyn’s e-mail a while back inspired me. These kids—some of whom have never seen snow before, or only a dusting…they’re going to get to go sledding, build a snowman, have a snowball fight and all the other stuff I grew up with as a kid in Chicago. Stanley is so excited he can hardly sit down!

  Veronica

  From: The Millards

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW January 11: Being the Best

  Snow? How are you going to do that in Houston, Veronica? Want us to mail you some?

  Jocelyn

  From: Rosalyn Ebberly

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW January 11: Being the Best

  Oh, my sister has always considered herself practically divine. Mere mortals had best stay out of her way. :)

  Rosalyn

  “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)

  From: VIM

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW January 11: Being the Best

  Ros The Pot calling Sister Kettle black, hmmm?

  Jocelyn is on the right track. Since we can’t take the kids to the snow, we’re bringing the snow to us! There’s a brand-new company in town called It’s Sno Surprise and it has Hollywood-style special-effect snow machines. We’re going to block off our entire street and it’s going to be turned into a winter wonderland! We can even rent sleds from them.

  Isn’t that amazing? I tell you—this party is going to go down in the history books. We will be LEGEND!

  Veronica

  From: Brenna L

  To: Zelia Muzuwa

  Subject: Question

  Hi Z,

  We got the test results back a couple weeks ago for Little Pat. He has “Global Developmental Delay”—apparently their fancy name for “your kid’s definitely behind in everything but we have no idea why.”

  He’s going to have occupational therapy and physical therapy and early intervention through the school system. I’m glad that it’s not so bad that they think he’s mentally retarded or anything. But Darren is not dealing with it well. He’s been avoiding Pat and won’t even try to help him with his therapy exercises.

  I was just wondering how Tristan feels about Lishan and Duri’s problems. Does it bother him? Any ideas how I can help Darren figure out how to accept his son?

  I just feel so angry about it! None of us are perfect, especially Darren. What gives him the right to reject his son because of some delays? He acts like he’s embarrassed of his own child or something.

  Anyway, I just wondered if you had any advice.

  Thanks,

  Brenna

  From: Zelia Muzuwa

  To: Brenna L

  Subject: Re: Question

  Hey, girl. I’m sorry to hear about Little Pat. It’s a rotten deal when you find out your kid has problems.

  Tristan has been pretty cool with Lishan and Duri. I think our biggest problem was we kept thinking it was OUR fault that they aren’t adjusting well. We were blaming ourselves, and the counselor is helping us see that it doesn’t have anything to do with our parenting skills. There’s nothing we could have done to prevent them from having attachment problems.

  Tristan sometimes gets frustrated because he wants to fix everything. He gets impatient at times because he can’t make the problems go away. But he’s learning—and we’re all learning—that this is what it means to love unconditionally. You learn to see the good in your child, even with all the issues and difficulties.

  I’ve learned to appreciate that Duri—for all his food hoarding and insecurities—has a huge compassion for anyone else in distress. As he learns to pay attention to other people and their emotions, it is helping him connect emotionally to them and learn how to bond. And Lishan has poetry living in her soul. The more she expresses that, the more her soul mends and I think she’s going to heal eventually. But it’s a long process, with as many steps backward as forward, it seems.

  For Darren and Little Pat, I don’t know, honey. It’s one thing for me to say to look for the good in Pat. But you and I can’t do that for Darren. He has to figure out how to do that himself. I’ll pray that he does. In the meantime, love them both. Love them as hard as you can because they both need you.

  Love you, my friend. Let me know how it goes, okay?

  Z

  From: Rosalyn Ebberly

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: [SAHM I AM] Final Retreat Costs

  Tremendous Toddler-Tamers,

  The moment you’ve all been waiting for—attached is a spreadsheet showing the final costs of our little retreat. We tried to work in all your suggestions—so we have an array of excellent workshops. Kathy Keller—our nationally known keynote speaker; three massage therapists (recommended by the hotel), and meals to die for—or at least worth murdering your diet for.

  Please note that your retreat fee is separate from your hotel fee. The retreat fee should be paid directly to Jocelyn Millard. The hotel fee is due when you check out.

  All the registration info you need is in that document, too, so go ahead and call. We want to see you all there!

  Love,

  Rosalyn Ebberly

  “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)

  From: Brenna L

  To: SAHM I Am

  Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Final Retreat Costs

  SIX HUNDRED AND FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS???

  Not including the $160/night hotel charge. And not including airfare! Where am I supposed to come up with that kind of money?

  This was just supposed to be a little get-together. Share a simple hotel room with a bunch of women I never met before, and hang out at restaurants and the hotel lobby. Do a little shopping. Total of a few hundred dollars—mostly airfare.

  Now we have all this other stuff, and it’s expensive! I don’t know if I can afford to go. I know I put my name down as coming, but I didn’t expect it to cost as much as the monthly payment on our farm combine.

  I really was looking forward to meeting everyone. Why couldn’t you have just kept it simple?

  Brenna

  Instant Message

  JocelynM: Ros, we’re getting flooded with emails! Everyone thinks the retreat is too expensive.

  Prov31Mom: Don’t worry. Everyone always gripes about the cost of something. But if they want it badly enough, they’ll figure out how to pay for it.

  JocelynM: And what if they don’t?

  Prov31Mom: Well, it’ll just be less of us.

  JocelynM: Do you realize there’s an Alaska-sized hole in my bank account labeled “SAHM I Am Retreat” that WON’T get filled if there’s “less of us”???

  Prov31Mom: Don’t get mad at me. You were the one who thought workshops would be a good idea.

  JocelynM: And YOU were the one who suggested booking Kathy Keller. This isn’t a CONFERENCE. It’s just supposed to be a get-together.

  Prov31Mom: Everyone was THRILLED about Kathy. And they were THRILLED about the workshops! Look, it’s not our fault. They’re the ones that wanted all the fun extras. Now they’re mad because they have to pay for it.

  JocelynM: No. I will have to pay for it.

  Prov31Mom: I’ll h
elp if it comes to that. Though I really hope it doesn’t. I took on some extra financial commitments recently that are making things tighter around here.

  JocelynM: Would have been nice if you’d held off on those extra commitments until we fulfilled these financial obligations!

  Prov31Mom: Trust me, this couldn’t wait.

  JocelynM: TRUST YOU? That’s all you’ve said this entire time! I am trying to trust you, but you are making it nearly impossible! Did you know that working with you on this has almost cost me one of my best friends?

  Prov31Mom: What kind of friend would ditch you because you’re helping plan a great retreat?

  JocelynM: Forget it.

  Prov31Mom: Look, I know you’re nervous. So am I, if you want to know the truth. But this is our very first SAHM I Am retreat. We couldn’t just do it halfway. It has to be special.

  JocelynM: Why? So everyone would be impressed with us? With you?

  Prov31Mom: No. I’m not quite as bad as you all seem to think. I wanted it to be special for THEM. Because they’re special. Because they get overlooked and peed on and defied and discouraged and worked to the bone every single day, and I just wanted them to have a couple days off. A couple days in luxury. I wish I could pay for it all myself. I’m sorry it got so pricey. We could maybe cancel some of the extras and just eat the deposit ourselves, if you think that would be better.

  JocelynM: You make me so mad.

  Prov31Mom: WHAT? What did I do now?

  JocelynM: Just when I think I have an airtight reason to dislike you, you go and mess it all up.

  Prov31Mom: Is that something close to a compliment?

  JocelynM: Don’t push it, girlfriend.

  From: P. Lorimer

  To: “Green Eggs and Ham”

  Subject: If I hear “Pastor’s Wife” again, I will SCREAM!

  I stopped at the campus today to drop off my syllabus for this semester’s class. I parked along the curb for less than five minutes. I returned to find a hastily scrawled note on my windshield that said, “I would think a pastor’s wife would have more respect for rules than to park in the faculty parking spot.”

  I just KNOW it was my advisor. Who else would be that snide? There aren’t even any students on campus right now. How dare she?