But we have some GREAT surprises in store for these kids and their pushy parents. I’m really looking forward to it. *evil grin*
Veronica
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW
February 22: Do-Overs
I regret…
Getting this cat!!!
I mean it! He’s been nothing but trouble and money from the minute he came through our door. And now he’s gone back OUT through that door, thanks to my children’s inability to CLOSE the door. I told them and told them, “Shut the door!” Did they listen? NO!
And what happened? Hmm…could it be that the cat ran outside and under the porch? Imagine that. Open door=Escapee Cat.
And who gets to track down the wretched animal so that the three idiot children will stop crying about their beloved Rosie being lost “fow-ever”? Oh yes, that would be me.
It is cold. We had an ice storm yesterday. And I get to go out and crawl on my belly to try to persuade Dumb Cat that life is better indoors where it is warm and dry.
And of course this had to happen while Tom is spending the day at his mother’s house helping Morris strip and refinish an antique sideboard we bought at an antique auction last month.
Off to rescue the thankless animal. Wish me luck.
Dulcie
From: Marianne Hausten
To: “Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW
February 22: Do-Overs
I can’t even look at an e-mail from you, Dulcie, without being sad you won’t be at the retreat!
Marianne
From: Brenna L
To: “Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW
February 22: Do-Overs
I know the feeling, Marianne! I was so excited when Darren and I figured out a way for me to go to the retreat. And all the other Green Eggs will be there, along with Ham, of course, so I thought the whole group would finally get to meet up!
I know we all keep saying “maybe next year” but somehow I don’t think that will happen. Betcha something will come up for one of us.
Anyway, not trying to be a downer. I hope you can coax the kitty back inside, Dulcie. Try a kitty fishing pole!
Brenna
Instant Message
JocelynM: Leave a trail of kitty treats for him. He’ll eat them and be lured from under the porch.
Dulcet: Just got back inside from trying that. Brr! It’s cold outside! The beast sniffed at the treats but wouldn’t come close enough for me to grab him.
Instant Message
ZeeMuzzy: turn on your hose and spray it under the porch. it’ll flush him out, and it won’t matter if you make more ice since you already have ice.
Dulcet: Oh yeah, that’ll be grand. That way, water can seep into the cracks in our foundation, freeze, and cost us even MORE money in house repairs!
ZeeMuzzy: it was just an idea!
Dulcet: And if I were a cartoon character, I’m sure it would work great.
ZeeMuzzy: okay, okay, i give up. i’m taking lishan to the mall. she needs new shoes and i’m making it a mommy/daughter outing. trying to do the “bonding” thing, you know.
From: Marianne Hausten
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW
February 22: Do-Overs
I hope it’s okay to post about something we got the chance to “do over” and actually got it right this time!
You guys know I’ve been having a lot of problems recently with my family and playgroup pressuring me about how to raise little Neil. The issue has been that since he’s a boy, he should be treated differently than Helene and have different expectations for his behavior. I disagree.
But you know me—always conflict aversive. Well, not this time! I was at playgroup, and Neil was playing with a group of other little boys. They started throwing toy cars at some of the other children. The other moms made wimpy little gestures of stopping it like “All right, we don’t throw toys, remember?”
I didn’t think that was good enough, so I gave Neil a time-out. The other moms were horrified. “He’s a boy! He can’t sit still in one place!” They claimed I was scarring him for life.
Normally, I’d just not say anything back and find a reason to leave early. But this time, I decided I was tired of that. I told them, “For thousands of years, little boys were required to sit down and be quiet in school and in church and all the other public places they were taken. For years, males were the artists, the poets, the philosophers, the musicians—and all that required them to sit still and behave in a certain way. I really don’t think the male species has changed so much in the last twenty years that they can’t stay in time-out for five minutes!”
Nobody said anything. They looked too shocked. Then one of them laughed a little nervously and said, “You only think that because you had a girl first. Boys are different. You’ll see.” Which made me want to bang my head with a baseball bat or something. But I noticed that some of the other moms were a little more firm with their boys after that. So maybe I made a difference. And even if not—it felt SO good to stand up for myself!
I think I’m too prone to assume that if someone doesn’t agree with me, I must be wrong. But I think I was right on this—and it felt good to decide to stand up for myself.
Marianne
Text Message From Dulcie Huckleberry: For Tom Huckleberry
——February 22/11:05 a.m.——
Plz come home! Jst long enough to help me get Rosie back inside. Been trying for 1.5 hrs now and am cold and wet and tired.
Text Message From Dulcie Huckleberry: For Marianne Hausten
——February 22/11:17 a.m.——
Am on hands N knees, butt in air, in driveway, swearing @ cat. Cat not intimidated. Will kill cat.
^Text Message From Marianne Hausten: For Dulcie Huckleberry
——February 22/11:19 a.m.——
Don’t swear. Talk nicely. Catch more cats with honey, right?
Text Message From Dulcie Huckleberry: For Marianne Hausten
——February 22/11:23 a.m.——
Words nt important. All in tone of voice. High, sweet voice: Here kitty, kitty, kitty. Come here wretched filthy, horrid little beast so I can strangle you with my own hands! As long as said nicely, cat won’t know difference.
Text Message From Marianne Hausten: For Dulcie Huckleberry
——February 22/11:24 a.m.——
Good luck w that. Maybe jst wait till he gets cold and wants in?
Text Message From Dulcie Huckleberry: For Marianne Hausten
——February 22/11:28 a.m.——
Can’t. Girls terrified will run away or freeze to death. Nt that I would care, mind you, but do have to live with 3 little girls who care very much. Tom coming home to help.
From: VIM
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: [SAHM I AM] Dulcie’s Cat?
Just wondering if the cat ever came back inside from his outing this morning.
Veronica
Instant Message
Prov31Mom: Shouldn’t you have sent that to Dulcie privately? You know we’re trying to cut down on extraneous loop traffic.
VIM_Vigor: Oh please. You wanted to know, too.
Prov31Mom: Well, yeah.
VIM_Vigor: So it’s loop business!
Prov31Mom: Remind me never to let you moderate the loop! :)
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Dulcie’s Cat?
I had to call for reinforcements. Tom got home, and we did some strategizing. This was an operation of military proportions. And we were going to use every weapon at our
disposal to get the cat back indoors.
First, Tom suggested I try stomping on our porch and yelling to scare the cat out. All I have to show for it is a sore back and hoarse throat.
Then, we waited until Rosie crawled out from under the porch again. We bundled up the girls and eased them outside, warning them to be quiet and not scare the cat. We told Mac and Aidan to block the hole in front of the steps, and we put Haley in front of the other hole on the side.
Should have been simple, right? All they had to do was not move, and Tom and I could chase the cat into the house.
So they were in place. I stepped toward the cat. He skidded across our driveway toward our porch. Tom tried to catch him. Slipped on the ice and thudded to the ground.
MacKenzie slid her way over to him just as the cat shot past her. I screamed at her, “Stay at your post!” She slipped on the ice and fell and started to cry.
The cat ran around to the other side of the porch where Haley was sitting. But she—who can’t walk past that cat without picking it up and dragging it around like a doll—saw the cat barreling toward her. She squealed and moved out of the way! The cat dived back under the porch.
Was it asking so much for the girls to just sit there and block the holes? After all, they’re the ones that caused this mess! But NO! Now we have Mac and Tom with bumps and bruises, and the twins are chilled.
And that cat is still under the porch!
I’m really rethinking rescuing him from the microwave. Can that be my do-over?
Dulcie
From: The Millards
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: [SAHM I AM] Veronica’s Last Party
I’d really like to hear how the party went. Care to share, Veronica?
From: VIM
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Veronica’s Last Party
Absolutely! We planned it for late afternoon, and just finished up. Had a huge turnout. All these parents and children—waiting to be “entertained.” HAH! We told the parents that they had to stay, since we’d invited families with two- and three-year-olds.
As each child arrived, we gave them a goodie bag of stuff they could eat while they watched the show. Mostly candy—the higher sugar content, the better. Then we did cake and ice-cream (and presents for Stephenie, of course) right at the start. LOTS of cake. LOTS of frosting. LOTS of ice cream. Yum!!!
We escorted them downstairs and told them they got to watch a really COOL show on our movie theater screen (a large projector screen we borrowed from a friend who borrowed it from work). The parents looked a little confused when they saw that the decorations weren’t as elaborate as they’d expected. But they seemed confident that we knew what we were doing.
Which was true. We knew exactly what we were doing. We gave all the kids some extra candy for good measure. Then we turned down the lights. Turned on the movie.
The title came up, “Marcello Cinema Presents… Marcello Family Home Videos.”
The parents glanced at each other, looking a bit nervous-like all the sudden. Frank and I snuck back upstairs and out to our hot tub, where we couldn’t hear the noise coming from a basement full of bored, sugar-high toddlers and their frustrated parents.
Two hours later, we opened the door, and they straggled out, looking haggard and exhausted. They may hate us now, but you know what?
I DON’T CARE!
As they left, we gave each child party favors—silly string, confetti pops, clapper hands and bubbles. The glares from the parents were sweet indeed.
Well, back to the hot tub! Ashley is babysitting the rest of the kids tonight, and Frank is waiting for me.
Veronica
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Dulcie’s Cat?
Hi Veronica,
Glad your party went…would “well” be the right word? I’m glad it went the way you wanted it to go. Those poor parents, though!
Just wanted everyone to know the cat is FINALLY back inside! After I stopped yelling at the girls for being so useless, Tom and I went back outside with a big blanket and blocked our porch holes. Then we propped our door open and started chasing the cat. When he saw that all his holes were blocked, the stupid animal ran straight for the open door.
Now he is sulking in the coat closet, but at least he’s back inside.
I will not feel sorry for him any longer when the girls treat him like a baby doll. He deserves everything he gets!
Dulcie
From: The Millards
To: Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Dulcie’s Cat?
I’m glad it turned out well! I’m surprised you haven’t gotten a follow-up from Zelia yet with a Shakespeare quote to commemorate the occasion. Be nice to that kitty, all right?
Jocelyn
From: P. Lorimer
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: [SAHM I AM] She sabotaged me!
I cannot believe this! My advisor hung me out to dry at the advisory meeting this afternoon! One of the other board members voiced a small concern about one aspect of my proposal, something that my advisor should have been able to easily reassure him about. But instead, she said, “This was an area of concern for me, too. I tried to discuss it with Ms. Lorimer, but she insisted on presenting the proposal this way.” And then she went on for another FIFTEEN minutes on all the supposed “weaknesses” and “flaws” in my project.
She made it sound as if it was all my fault and that she’d tried to talk me out of it! The result? The board turned down my proposal!
I have NEVER, NEVER been so angry in my life. This is outrageous, and there isn’t a single thing I can do about it. She deliberately sabotaged the entire project because…
I don’t know. I really don’t. I keep trying to think what I might have done to offend her. I’ve been as nice as I know how to be. I’ve cooperated. I’ve done everything she’s ever asked me to do. And she just seems to hate me more.
I do not understand! And now I have to explain to Jonathan why this is now going to take an entire extra semester. I’m seriously considering going to the dean and seeing if I can be assigned to a new advisor. I kept thinking if I just kept a good attitude, I could make it work out with her. But I think now that I’ve been an absolute fool about it.
Where does a pastor’s wife go to vent some seriously violent fury?
Phyllis
From: Brenna L
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] She sabotaged me!
What’s this creep’s home address? We’ll all go TP her yard for you like we used to do to the teachers in high school who made us mad.
I had LOTS of practice.
Brenna
Instant Message
HannieBananie: Hi Brenna! About ur post on sahmiam—that’s not a very Christian attitude.
Farmgirl04: Beat it, Hannah.
HannieBananie: Why ru so rude to me?
Farmgirl04: Why ru so falsely righteous about everything?
HannieBananie: I’m just trying 2 do what is right! Why does that make u so mad?
Farmgirl04: Dunno. Maybe bc u force it on everyone else. We already have had YEARS of that with Rosalyn. We’re all a bit tired of it.
HannieBananie: I’m NOT like Rosalyn!
Farmgirl04: Good grief, she’s delusional, too.
HannieBananie: I’m NOT! Rosalyn was trying to be perfect but all the time her life was falling apart!
Farmgirl04: And the difference is???
HannieBananie: My life is GREAT!
Farmgirl04: Yeah, which is why ur giving up your dreams of going to school in order to pop out lots of babies for a man that
treats you like an unwanted pet?
HannieBananie: Bradley LOVES me! And I always wanted to stay home and have babies!
Farmgirl04: Then why do you hang on Phyllis’s every word about school? And your Krissy friend’s school stories? Do you really think that the vicarious experience is going to satisfy you? And Bradley? Honey, what sort of low expectations have you been taught about how a loving husband behaves?
HannieBananie: You don’t know a thing about me, Brenna! You don’t understand my husband, and you don’t know what satisfies me or what I want from my life.
Farmgirl04: That makes two of us, sweetheart.
HannieBananie signed off at 5:53:46 p.m.
From: VIM
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] She sabotaged me!
What she did to you was rottener than roadkill, Phyllis. I don’t blame you one bit for being angry!
You should talk to her. Maybe you’ve been TOO cooperative. TOO nice. She’s being abusive and you’re playing the victim. Stand up to her. And I do think trying to get a new advisor would be a good idea. You can’t let people treat you like crap. You gotta fight back.
And don’t y’all even reply with the “but that’s not Christian”— I don’t think God made y’all to be doormats. Seems to me if God gave us anger it was so that we could do something constructive with it.
I do like Brenna’s TP idea, though. My,got it on eBay. that brings back some good memories of high school! :)
Veronica
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] She sabotaged me!
Phyllis, I’m so sorry, dear friend. That’s horrible.
I think Veronica is right—mostly. I think you should at least talk to your advisor about it, and probably your dean, too. This is unethical and wrong.
From: P. Lorimer
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] She sabotaged me!
Thanks, everyone. It means a lot to me—especially Brenna’s TP suggestion. Right now, I almost wish you could come do that! (Bad Phyllis!) :)
I’ve thought about confronting her or complaining to the dean. But what am I supposed to say? I have no documentation to prove that she did, in fact, approve my proposal. It’s my word against hers. And as far as the rest of the problems…if I go whining to the dean about it, it will just make me look like all the other religious fanatics on campus complaining about “discrimination.” Who is going to take the word of a lowly grad student over a tenured professor? The dean will probably “tsk, tsk” over my inability to resolve this “personality difference” and it will be another black mark on my record.
Play It Again, SAHM Page 22
