I don’t know what to do. Jonathan was surprisingly supportive and understanding about it. He even offered to go with me and talk to my advisor. Yes, that would really make everything better—hide behind my clergy husband to go talk to a bitter feminist about her mistreatment of his little wife. Sweet and well-intentioned of him, but I don’t think so!
I intend to do something stereotypically “female” and gorge myself on ice cream right out of the container. Chocolate ice cream. Goodness knows, I’ve almost been too nervous to eat the past couple of weeks. I’ve earned the privilege, I think, after today!
Phyllis
Text Message From Zelia Muzuwa: For Dulcie Huckleberry
——February 22/6:21 p.m.——
Plz prA. At mall. Lishan missing. Mall lockd dwn. Tell loop.
Text Message From Dulcie Huckleberry: For Zelia Muzuwa
——February 22/6:25 p.m.——
O my goodness! Missing how long? Sent mssg to loop. Praying.
Text Message From Zelia Muzuwa: For Dulcie Huckleberry
——February 22/6:26 p.m.——
20 min. I thnk. Nt sure exact time. TryN nt 2 panic. Tell Ros she ws rite. Evry thN she said. Rite.
Text Message From Dulcie Huckleberry: For Zelia Muzuwa
——February 22/6:27 p.m.——
She was NOT right! You’ll find her. Will b ok. Everyone is praying. Even Ros.
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: Rosalyn Ebberly
Subject: Zelia
Ros,
It’s time to bury the hatchet. Z just texted me and said that because of this situation with Lishan missing, she thinks you were right about everything you said. You’ve GOT to talk to her and make things right. This has gone on too long.
Dulcie
From: Rosalyn Ebberly
To: Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject: Re: Zelia
Dulcie,
Believe me, I’ve TRIED! I don’t know what else I can do! You have no idea what I’ve tried. So far nothing has worked.
Rosalyn
“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: Rosalyn Ebberly
Subject: Re: Zelia
Think BIGGER then!
Dulcie
From: Hannah Farrell
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Pray for Lishan!
I don’t understand! How could a child just go wandering off in the mall like that? How could she be lost for so long?
Hannah
From: Brenna L
To: Hannah Farrell
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Pray for Lishan!
For crying out loud! If you don’t understand that, you had no business babysitting, much less becoming a mother! Grow up already, and realize that a mother isn’t all-powerful. We can’t control everything. We can’t fix everything. We can’t make everything work out like it’s supposed to. DEAL WITH IT!
Brenna
From: Rosalyn Ebberly
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Pray for Lishan!
Hannah and everyone,
This nightmare happened because Lishan and Duri have something called “reactive attachment disorder” that makes it hard for them to emotionally bond with their adopted family. I’ve been doing some research on it, and it doesn’t happen to all adopted kids, but the ones that are in orphanages or have difficult early lives are more susceptible to it.
Almost two years ago, I didn’t understand this. I just knew that every six months or so, some TV news program had some story about an adopted kid that goes beserk and causes grief for their families. I didn’t stop to think about the fact that these stories are sensationalized and hyped, and that for every one of those stories, there are hundreds of stories that go untold—stories about families who face the challenges of adoption with strength and success, and who go on to create beautiful families.
So I posted words about Zelia and her children to the loop that are at the top of my list of things I regret. This is what I would change if I could. What I said then is that Zelia and Tristan had no business adopting their children because “those kids” were “hardwired for disaster.” I also claimed that Zelia was too flighty to handle problem children like that.
As many of you will recall, this turned into one of the ugliest, darkest conversations this loop has ever known. And it resulted in my stepping away from the loop for a year to work on my own problems—which were too numerous to list.
I know that it would be tempting for some people to wonder how Zelia could be so careless as to let her child disappear at a mall. Or point fingers to say, “She should have noticed sooner or done something.”
I just want to say this is NOT the right attitude. It’s not the truth. Zelia and Tristan are amazing parents and what they have accomplished with Lishan and Duri is nearly miraculous. And those two kids are survivors! They have lived through difficulties we can’t even imagine, and it is amazing to me that they only have the emotional scars they do have.
I only wish there were more people like Z and Tristan with the courage to provide homes to children who need them, and the strength to love them no matter what, and the grace and parenting skills to provide a stable home environment for them. It’s certainly more than I could do. Much more than I have done with my own family.
So at this time, when we are waiting to hear from Zelia and are praying for a good outcome to what has got to be every parent’s worst nightmare, I just want to publicly say I am utterly sorry for the words I wrote then. I’ve asked Zelia’s forgiveness privately, but I want to do so publicly. And I’d like us all to commit to doing whatever we can do to show our support for the Muzuwa family.
Thanks,
Rosalyn Ebberly
SAHM I Am Loop Moderator
“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)
Text Message From Zelia Muzuwa: For Dulcie Huckleberry
——February 22/6:55 p.m.——
Found her! Will rite more @ home.
From: Zelia Muzuwa
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: [SAHM I AM] Lishan is found.
Thank you, all, for praying. I see there are a bunch of loop messages and e-mails to me. It’s going to take a while to work through all of them, so please be patient. We are really touched by everyone’s concern and prayers. We love you all.
What happened is that Lishan and I were at the mall for a mommy-daughter day out. After we ate supper, I took her into the restroom with me. The stalls were so small there wasn’t room for both of us, and the handicapped stall was occupied. So I told Lishan to wait right outside my stall for me. But when I came out, she was gone.
I felt ill. I checked all the other stalls, and raced out into the hallway. I figured she couldn’t have gotten too far— I hadn’t been in the stall that long. But I couldn’t find her. It took me another several minutes to find a security guard, explain the situation and give a description. After a few more minutes of conferring with— I don’t know, his supervisor or something?—they locked down the mall.
These past few years since we adopted them, I’ve struggled SO much with my frustration and even resentment of the amount of time and anguish they’ve cost us. I’ve seriously wondered if we made a mistake. And even as they shut the doors of the mall, I feared that not only had I made a mistake, but that the adoption agency, the orphanage and two national governments had made a mistake—a huge mistake of trusting US with these children.
And the f
ear of never seeing her again— I love her SO much! I couldn’t love her more if she’d been conceived in my own womb.
Anyway, that was an awful time. I don’t want to relive it, but I do every time I close my eyes.
They found her nearly an hour later, hiding in the women’s dressing rooms at one of the department stores. She’d been trailing an African woman who had come into the restroom at the same time we’d been in there. I should have figured it out. Lishan is always looking for her “real” mother. She saw this woman in something similar to Ethiopian clothing, and she followed her. The poor woman didn’t even realize she was being trailed! When the security guards tried to question her, she started crying and her English was so broken, we couldn’t understand her. But it was clear she had never had any awareness that our daughter was following her, and she was definitely not trying to take her away. I feel sorry for her. She looked so frightened.
I wish I could say that Lishan was overjoyed to be reunited with me. She wasn’t upset, just indifferent. I would have given anything for her to have launched herself into my arms and shout “Mommy!” But she has a long way to go before she learns how to share that sort of emotional bond with anyone. And as much as it breaks my heart to acknowledge that, I also have hope that we’ll get there—if we can all just keep trying and hang in there.
So that’s our little adventure at the mall. Again, thank you everyone for praying. Please keep praying. We need it.
Zelia
From: VIM
To: Zelia Muzuwa
Subject: I’m glad you found Lishan
Hi Zelia,
I just wanted to tell you I’m really glad you found Lishan and that she was okay. I even said a prayer for you. But don’t tell my sister— I don’t want her to get all hopeful or anything. :)
Speaking of Ros, did you see the e-mail she sent while Lishan was still missing? I just wondered if you’d seen it yet. Ros said she hadn’t heard from you.
Veronica
From: Zelia Muzuwa
To: VIM
Subject: Re: I’m glad you found Lishan
Thanks, Veronica. And yeah, I saw the post from Rosalyn. You’re not going to like this, but I really don’t know what to say about it. As much as I would like to believe she’s had a change of heart, part of me wondered if this was just another way for her to get some more digs in about how messed up my kids are. And even though right now I sort of feel like maybe she was right, it still isn’t something I want aired on the loop again.
I just want to handle this privately. The loop doesn’t need to know everything.
Zelia
From: VIM
To: Zelia Muzuwa
Subject: Re: I’m glad you found Lishan
You’re right. I don’t like that one little bit. How could you read her post as anything but an incredibly sincere effort at reconciliation! Heck, she’s never done anything like that for me, and I’m her sister!
She PRAYED for you. And I’m not all that religious, but to me the gesture itself ought to mean something. And I’ll tell you something else, too. She did more than just pray. You know that anonymous donor who’s been paying for your kids to get therapy all these months?
Yeah. For all her faults, my sister knows how to put her money where her mouth is when it counts. And money isn’t something they have in endless supply, either. She would be furious with me for saying anything about it. She only told me earlier this week when I asked.
And I’ll tell you what—all her nagging and preaching at me about going to church hasn’t done a hill of good. But this…this just might. What she did for you was real. And weird. And wonderful.
If your faith is all it’s cracked up to be, I’d think there’d have to be some room for forgiveness somewhere in it. Especially under the circumstances.
Veronica
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: [SAHM I AM] TOTW
March 15: Moving Past Our Mistakes
Hi all,
Rosalyn asked me to do the Topic of the Week this week because she’s headed to Colorado Springs today to help Jocelyn get ready for the retreat—and since I’m one of the unfortunate ones who can’t go, she figured I’d have time to do the TOTW.
She wanted the topic to be on handling failures. But considering I’m already depressed about not being able to go to the retreat, I decided to make it a little more upbeat a subject.
So everyone who isn’t busy getting ready to go to the Springs, why don’t we talk about ways that we’ve found to move beyond our mistakes and failures or turn them into opportunities?
Two weeks ago, I had a chance to do this with my design business. My client, Dorita Jacobs, moved to Branson a year ago and had her house custom-built. Sixty-four and still dyes her hair a bright blond, widowed for eight years. The house is ostentatious—think Gone With the Wind meets Las Vegas. I can’t believe just one tiny woman lives there.
“Dulcie,” she croons to me, “the whole city is buzzing about your decorating skills, honey.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Jacobs. I had no idea.”
“Oh yes. So I knew you were the absolute perfect choice to help me decorate my living room. I have something very special planned for it, you see.”
“What’s that?” I’m starting to get nervous at this point.
She takes me by the hand and nearly drags me into her living room. It’s just about empty, with soaring cathedral ceilings. There is a large frame draped with a sheet and resting against a chair in the center. The frame is a couple feet taller than me and about six feet wide. I’m guessing it’s a portrait. Of her late husband, maybe?
She gently, reverently removes the sheet. I walk around to the front to take a look.
It is a portrait. It is not of her husband.
It is the LARGEST velvet Elvis painting I have ever seen! And it’s not even a painting of him when he was young and somewhat attractive. It is from his later days when he was overweight and puffy-looking. And it’s not particularly well done at that. He is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a lei, black leather pants, and is in a pose that reminds me of how my girls look when they have to go potty and are trying to hold it.
Mrs. Jacobs looks like she’s in raptures. “Isn’t it gorgeous?” she breathes. “I got it on eBay. It’s going to be my focal piece for the entire living room. I watch those decorating shows, you know. You’re supposed to have a focal piece and decorate the room around that. But you probably already know that.” She touches it lovingly. “So…what do you think?”
“It’s…” I’m racking my brain for something positive to say. “It’s really large.”
“I have a large room.” She sounds a tiny bit defensive. I’m going to have to do better if I want this job. And while nothing would please me more than to run screaming from the house, my family needs to eat. And if that means staring for the next couple weeks at a middle-aged Elvis who looks like he might have an “overactive bladder”…well, that’s life.
“It’s just the right size for the room.”
She’s still waiting for something that sounds like genuine enthusiasm. I swallow hard.
“It’s certainly a—” inspiration strikes “—a bold work of art that will be a sure conversation piece.” Okay, I was stretching it with the “work of art” bit, but sometimes you just have to flatter the customer some!
Her face lit up. “You see it, too! Oh I’m so glad! I just knew the minute I found it that it was going to be something special.”
“Yeah…” I swallow the lump of revulsion in my throat. “Really special.” My voice breaks. My eyes tear up. This might be the project that ends my short career. There is no way I can make this tasteful.
Mrs. Jacobs beams and offers me a flowered hankie. “Oh,
I’m going to love working with you! You have such passion and artistic vision!”
Yes, and they’re both howling in agony.
Can I just pause the story a minute and tell you that this is what I get to deal with while you all are off on your grand retreat this week? I get to decorate a room around the world’s most hideous velvet Elvis painting. ARGHHH!!!
Anyway, how this relates to moving beyond our failures… I won’t know until later this week if I was able to turn certain failure into a success or not. So you’ll have to wait until then to find out how this ends. But until then, I could sure use your stories of moving beyond mistakes and succeeding despite the odds. I need inspiration!
Dulcie
Instant Message
Huck: Are you really that depressed about not going to the retreat?
Dulcet: I’m not suicidal or anything.
Huck: Maybe I should stay home and you can go. You could still get a plane ticket.
Dulcet: No. We already decided. You need to have your time. You deserve it. I’ll be fine.
Huck: I feel guilty.
Dulcet: Welcome to the life of a stay-at-home parent. Might as well get used to it. :)
Huck: I’m serious.
Dulcet: Well, tell you what—you use your newfound knowledge gained at this convention to make me a dining table with inlaid mother-of-pearl, and we’ll call it even.
Huck: Dining table! Maybe in twenty years if I work really hard. Would you settle for a jewelry box?
Dulcie: Depends on what comes in it.
Huck: You drive a hard bargain, woman. :)
Dulcie: Of course. It’s the only way to assuage your guilt. :) Now I have to get back to work—the Elvis Room awaits my final touch of genius.
Play It Again, SAHM Page 23
