“So you’ll stick with what you’re sure of rather than venture into unknown territory. Is that really helpful to you?”
“No, but I don’t know what else to do.”
“How about working on trusting yourself?”
She was confused, not expecting that question. She trusted herself. She trusted Seth. She trusted everyone.
“Do you understand what I mean?”
“No. I trust myself.”
“Are you sure?”
I said I was, she wanted to scream. Instead she replied, “I am.”
“Then why aren’t you sure that you can survive being hurt by Seth, and that is assuming it were to happen, which is not a given?”
She didn’t think about her response before saying almost automatically, “I know I would survive.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“That’s the unknown. You can’t be sure unless you put yourself out there. You have to be willing to do so.”
Tatum didn’t know what Dr. Bev meant, but she was going to follow along. After all, time was almost up.
“I want you to think about your choices. That is your homework assignment for the week.”
Reluctantly, Tatum met Karla for dinner. She thought about what her therapist had said and agreed to meet Karla when she called.
Dinner was painfully silent. Karla was trying her best to be overly nice. She even insisted on paying for dinner. Each generous thing Karla did only made Tatum want to leave all the more. This wasn’t the friend she’d grown up with.
“Can you stop being so nice?” she told her. “You’re killing me.”
Karla slouched down on side of the booth, embarrassed.
“Honestly, I wasn’t going to show up. I don’t care anymore, but I’m willing to try.”
“You have a right to feel that way. But it’s not fair that I’m punished this way. I wasn’t the only wrong party.”
“I understand that, but I trusted you more than anymore else. You know that if the roles were reversed and Seth told me to… to sleep with him to help you get the account, I would not have done it.”
“That’s not what I did.”
“But it could have been. Don’t you see, if you were willing to make that deal, who says you wouldn’t have slept with him behind my back?”
Karla was horrified. “You’ve got to be kidding me, girl. I would never do that.”
“How do I know that? You broke my trust.”
“I know that and I’m sorry. How many times do I have to say that?”
Tatum shrugged. “I don’t care about your sympathy.”
“Then what, we just throw away years of friendship?”
Tatum rubbed her eyes, trying to think of a solution. Her mind was blank, which made her more frustrated. Seth flashed through her mind. She saw the frustration in his eyes. She suddenly remembered their argument in his kitchen. Then there was the argument in her apartment. It dawned on her that she was saying the same thing he was, just for a different reason. Or was it?
“Girl, I’m just going to leave. I want us to be friends, but I don’t want to be berated every time we talk.”
“Wait.” Tatum hurriedly tried to stop her from leaving. “I don’t want to keep throwing it in your face either. I’m still angry, and I don’t know how to defuse that anger.” Karla sat down again. “I think I know how Seth feels. I…”
“Can’t we have one conversation without mentioning Seth?” Karla asked in frustration.
“Please hear me out. I ended up torturing Seth emotionally because I couldn’t trust him. I didn’t have faith that he wouldn’t break my heart. He told me he was tired of trying to fight for us. He was fighting me and the whole world. At first, I didn’t understand because I was too scared.”
Karla shrugged, a look of confusion on her face.
“What I’m trying to say is that Seth told me if I really cared about us I’d make the first move. I’d have to prove myself to him.”
“Okay?” Karla said in bewilderment.
“To make a long story short,” Tatum hurriedly concluded, “I think that’s the only thing that’s going to restore our friendship.”
Karla summed up her words. “Now I have to prove my friendship by doing what? Creating a scene? Humiliate myself? What?”
This wasn’t going well. It made much more sense when Seth was telling her the same thing.
Tatum sighed before trying again. “I’m not saying anything like that. I’m saying trust isn’t built overnight. I still like you as a person, but our friendship isn’t going to come back right away. It’s going to take time.”
Karla glanced down.
Tatum broke into her thoughts. “Do I have to keep babbling or have I made my point yet?”
Karla laughed and raised her right hand. “Girl, I got it. Please, say no more.”
Tatum laughed more with relief than humor. She finally had accomplished something. She’d confronted a problem. This wasn’t like Thanksgiving. It wasn’t a shouting match or name calling. It was constructive. She’d said what was on her mind and she wasn’t criticized for it. Karla actually listened to her.
That’s what people who accept you do.
That was what Seth was trying to do.
“Well,” Karla suggested with a tinge of fear, “until that big moment comes, how about we go shopping soon?”
She nodded. She was willing to give it a chance. “My closet always has room for clothes.”
Chapter 19
Kate wanted to tour Cincinnati. Seth didn’t understand why. Hamilton wasn’t that far away. It wasn’t like she was visiting Los Angeles, but she didn’t care. Cincinnati was a big city. The third largest in Ohio, she constantly reminded him. Seth suggested they shoot for the top and visit the largest city in Ohio. She wasn’t interested.
They were sitting in his office when he gave in. Seth finally geared himself up for the big boring tour. He thought about some places she would find interesting. When he was finally ready to go, Kate shocked him. She was going with someone else.
“Tatum?” he repeated in astonishment.
Kate nodded proudly. “I called her today and she said yes.”
“Tatum?”
“Son, is there an echo in here?” She pretended to be confused.
“Mama…” He started to warn her that any attempt to reconcile them would be useless but could not find any words.
She shrugged. Opening her purse, she pulled out bus schedules. He was horrified. “What are you doing with those?”
“I’m riding the transit to Tatum’s apartment. It’s only a couple of communities away from yours, son.”
“I know that. Mama, you can’t take the bus.”
“The transit is a perfectly acceptable form of transportation. I understand the transit stop is a few blocks away from here. I think they call it Government Square.”
“You are not taking the bus and you’re not walking to the bus stop.”
Kate shot him a motherly stare that made him slouch down in his chair.
“Mama, those things are dangerous. I don’t want you risking your life to meet Tatum. Are you two taking the bus everywhere you go?”
“Son, I have been taking the bus for years in Hamilton. Nothing is wrong with it.”
“My mother doesn’t take the bus.”
“Your mama has been doing a lot of things you wouldn’t approve of.”
Seth didn’t want to talk about the time they were apart, so he tried to change the subject. “I’m just concerned.”
She ignored his comment. “I’ve even dated some. I mean, sometimes it was just going to Bingo together, but other times it was more…”
“All right!” Seth screamed. He wasn’t yelling at his mother, but at those horrible images of her dating any man besides his father. They racked his brain like a thief stealing Christmas gifts.
Seth shuddered in disgust.
“I—”
“Mama.” He didn’t want to risk her elabora
ting.
Kate sighed. “I was only going to suggest that you drive me to Tatum’s apartment if you don’t want me taking the transit.”
“I’m busy here. I’ll have someone drive you.”
“Fine then.” Kate stood to walk to the door. “Routes 69, 11, and 4 are the ones that go to Walnut Hills, right?”
The office door opened and Gabby entered. “I need to talk to you,” she breathlessly announced.
“How rude,” Kate commented, horrified the stranger was so disrespectful.
Gabby gave the woman a sideways glance before ignoring her. “I don’t have a lot of time and—”
“You’ve just barged in on a private conversation between my mother and me,” Seth interrupted, voice stern. “So forgive me if I don’t give a damn about your time.”
Gabby, shocked, studied the woman. Quickly, she changed her behavior and hugged the woman. “I’ve heard so much about you. I’m so glad to finally meet you.”
Kate pulled back. Seth knew she was insulted by the hug. “Well, it’s a shame. My son has said nothing of you.”
Gabby didn’t reply. She didn’t get a chance. Kate waved to her son and left. Seth’s bad mood turned worse. He didn’t want to talk to Gabby.
“Wow, you’re back with your mother.”
“Yeah.” He was going to tell her to stay away from his mother, but then he realized Kate was going to take the bus. Seth grabbed his coat and rushed out.
“Wait Seth, I have…”
It was a lost cause. Seth was already gone.
The doorbell rang. Tatum picked up some items still left on the floor. She’d spent as much time as she could cleaning up the apartment. She was so nervous it didn’t matter how much she cleaned. Her apartment still looked dirty to her.
Brushing any lint off her shirt and jeans, Tatum forced herself to be calm. She felt great, until she opened the door. Kate’s smiling face greeted her, but she could only focus on Seth. His expression told her he wasn’t there by choice.
They entered the apartment and Kate hugged her. Seth politely pretended to kiss her, his lips faintly brushing her cheek. She acted like she wasn’t disappointed.
Tatum pointed to the hallway. “I’ll get my coat.”
She had been prepared to drive, but she was relegated to giving directions. But Seth wasn’t listening. He found his own way to get there. She wanted to hit him, but she knew it wouldn’t do any good.
She was happy Kate had a good time. She felt like a fighting couple trying to pretend everything was Okay for the innocent children. They politely laughed at the right times and answered his mother’s questions. However, they purposefully averted their eyes from each other.
They took a moment to grab something hot to drink. Actually, Kate told Seth to find a coffee shop somewhere while Tatum and Kate slowing strolled through the park. The trees reminded her of her life, bare and desperately waiting for springtime’s return.
Tatum rubbed her hands together as she half-listened to Kate comment on Seth’s childhood. She didn’t want to seem rude, but she didn’t want to talk about Seth. He made her think about the changes she needed to make in her life. Renewing her friendship with Karla was only the start.
Kate laughed. Tatum laughed too, but she had no idea what she was laughing about.
Something caught her attention—a couple. They had gray hair and a concerned expression on their faces. They were placing a child, whom Tatum assumed was their grandchild, into different swings but didn’t seem satisfied with any of them. They kept tightening the strap around the toddler in each swing and then the grandmother would gently swing the child to make sure it was safe. Then they would get an unhappy expression on their faces and move on to the next one. When the grandfather tried, she felt sorry for the child. What was supposed to be an exciting event looked more like a safety class.
But it wasn’t their overprotectiveness that caught her attention. The toddler was half black. She didn’t have to stare at the features. The curly hair and tanned complexion gave the child’s heritage away.
“Hopefully that will be me soon, you think?”
Kate’s question made her jump. She was embarrassed that Kate caught her looking at the couple with their grandchild.
Tatum shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
“Really?” Kate sounded disappointed.
“I’m not saying Seth won’t have kids. I’m just saying it won’t be with me.”
“Oh?”
She rolled her eyes, angry at herself. She’d just made Kate think she was concerned she might have a problem conceiving. This wasn’t going well.
“I can have children,” she explained. “I just… Seth and I aren’t getting back together.”
“I know my son didn’t permanently break things off.” Kate tried to sound confident.
“It’s complicated.”
“Honey, in my world complicated just means no one wants to make the first move.”
“Well, the first move is supposed to be mine, according to Seth.” She waited for Kate to tell her what to do, but there was only silence.
“Are you going to tell me to go for it?”
“No,” Kate answered, sad. “I’ve learned that you have to let people live their own lives. They’re going to do whatever they want anyway.”
Tatum was going to thank her, but Seth arrived. He handed his mother a drink, then Tatum and took his and threw the container holding the drinks in the recyclable bin. Seth didn’t look at Tatum when he addressed them both.
“Ladies, have you had enough of the city tour?”
Although she didn’t need one, Tatum forced herself to go buy a book. Of course, she loved to read trashy romance novels, but she didn’t have the time. Besides, it didn’t matter. It wasn’t about the book.
It was a warm day but there was a breeze. The sun sparkled. It was late winter, and the nice weather had warmth-starved Cincinnatians coming out of hibernation. Tatum could have sworn they were all in the bookstore in the Oakley neighborhood. The bookstore had three levels. The first and second were packed with bookshelves. The top floor was for conferences and music lovers.
Tatum quickly found what she was looking for. Myra stood at the counter serving the last customer. She turned off the light indicating the lane was open, and then chatted with the woman replacing her.
She took her register drawer to the back and the woman placed her drawer in the register.
“I’m getting some food from the chicken place,” Myra said, answering someone’s question and smiling as she walked. Tatum moved away from the bookcase of children’s books. She blocked Myra’s path and waited for her to notice
Myra’s happy mood vanished. She stutter-stepped to a stop and looked like a deer caught in headlights. Tatum knew she was going to change directions.
“The least you can do is be woman enough to face me,” Tatum said.
Myra approached her, glancing around. “This is my job. I don’t need to get fired.”
“Good. I’m not interested in getting you fired.” She smiled, knowing she sounded like Seth.
Myra’s fear lessened. “I need to grab some eats. Let’s go.”
At the chicken restaurant, they ate. Myra continued to watch the clock, but Tatum quickly approached the subject. “What the hell was that?”
Myra knew she was talking about Thanksgiving dinner. She hesitated before commenting, “That wasn’t my idea.”
“I know that wasn’t your idea. I’m talking about when you didn’t stand up for me.”
Wiping her hands on the napkin, Myra continued to take her time to reply. When she did, she was standoffish. “It didn’t look like you needed much help.”
“Forget how much help I needed,” she tapped her index finger repeatedly on the table. “You were supposed to be there for me.”
“Who says?”
“I say. We’re family and family supports one another.”
“What dream world are you living in?” Myra’s quest
ion was harsh. “You’ve been in this family slightly longer than I have. You know how backwater and insane it is.”
Tatum dismissed her point as unimportant. “I know that, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t supposed to help me defend myself.”
“Why was I supposed to help you?”
Tatum shook her head. She knew her cousin already knew why.
“Tatum, you are so off base. Let it go. They are not going to accept you, so move on.”
“It’s not about them accepting me. I know that now. It’s about you being there for me when I needed your help.”
“Please.” Myra rolled her eyes. “I am not the poster child for interracial relationships. I told you that because I wanted you to know, not because I wanted to throw it in my father’s face.”
Tatum shook her head. She couldn’t believe Myra couldn’t see her point of view. Her cousin was wrong for what she’d done at the dinner, and Tatum knew that she knew it.
“You know,” Tatum began, “it’s really not about you standing up for me. It was about you lying.”
“I didn’t lie.”
“You did,” Tatum countered. “You either lied to me or to your father.”
Myra shook her head in disbelief, didn’t explain herself.
“Well, who did you lie to? Were you just high off the free drinks you got at my birthday party?”
“You wait a minute.” Myra was clearly upset and her being upset was happiness for Tatum. Now her cousin knew how she’d felt that night.
“Fine. You want to know the truth? I didn’t lie to either one of you because I didn’t date a white man. He was Korean. And you know that’s only second worst to dating a white man in my father’s book.”
Tatum was shocked, but Myra was right. The tension between blacks and Koreans had been terrible. The Koreans opened stores in black neighborhoods and the blacks resented them.
“How did you meet?”
Myra’s anger turned to sadness. “It was my senior year of college. He was younger than me and working at his father’s store in the neighborhood. I was waiting in line and my hormones went crazy.”
Tatum smiled. She could relate. It was the same feeling she’d had when she first saw Seth.
The Score Page 22
