Kismet

by AE Woodward

But I could never take the leap. I wanted more for her. I never could accept that she was it for me. For whatever reason, I just couldn’t believe that I deserved something so good in life. It didn’t make sense for a schlep like me to end up with an angel like her. It didn’t help to realize that if I had put half as much energy into keeping her as I did pushing her away, we probably wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.

  But no matter what life throws our way, somehow everything always comes back to me and her… to us. She’s my reason for living. It’s always about her, always has been and always will be.

  Shaking the cobwebs from my head I stand, heading to the bathroom to clean myself up. It’s been a crazy few days and I need to make things right. I’m halfway down the hallway when I hear a knock on my door.

  “Hang on,” I groan before turning back where I came from. I shuffle towards the door and open it just in time to see a fist flying at my face. Still slightly drunk, I can’t move quick enough to avoid it and it connects. Pain radiates across my jaw and I stumble, falling backwards on my ass. The fall knocks the air from my lungs and I gasp for breath. It takes a second for me to get my bearings but I sit up and rub my jaw, eventually looking up to find Tommy seething. “Jesus, Tommy.”

  “Now that Katie’s out of here”—he cracks his knuckles—“you and I have some unfinished business.”

  Not willing to resign myself to my fate just yet, I consider my options. Running and locking myself in the bathroom is looking good, but I know that Tommy will just break the door down eventually. I’d better just man up.

  “Before you continue the ass kicking, can I say something?” I ask, slowly making it back on my feet.

  Tommy steps over the threshold and slams the door shut behind him. “Be my guest.”

  “I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not like that with Katie.” Tommy raises his eyebrows and shoots me a pointed look. “It never has been.”

  “You don’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to women, Parker,” he argues.

  “I know that, and I know how it might seem to everyone else.” I sit on the edge of my coffee table and sigh. “I can’t explain it.”

  “Well you better try, because I’m about to make myself feel better about everything and I can assure you that it won’t make you feel any better.”

  Tommy is such a prick when it comes to protecting his family. It’s one of the best things about him. He’s loyal as fuck and he always has your back. This wouldn’t be the first time he and I came to blows over something, and while it sucked beyond belief, it was how Tommy dealt with stress—beat the shit out of the stressor and move on. He’d kicked my ass for lesser things, like taking his last can of chew, or forgetting to pay him back a loan. Tommy has a short fuse and I damn well know it. How we made it this long over the whole Katie situation is beyond me. That’s why Katie and I snuck around the first time.

  “I love her. I’ve loved her from the moment I laid eyes on her and every other day of my pathetic existence. At first it was a protective love, like I’d do anything for her. You remember, me and you wanting her to realize how special she was, holding her hand through tough times, but mostly just being her friend. Then, all of the sudden, without warning, I loved her more than myself. It was all consuming and greedy. I slowly started taking more than I deserved and that was when it hit me. I had to protect her from myself. She deserved more than I could give her. I couldn’t do to her what my Mom did to Dad, so I pushed her away.” I nervously crack my knuckles. “And here I am making the same goddamned mistakes.”

  Tommy sits next to me, throwing his arm around my shoulders.

  “Aren’t you going to kick the ever-living shit out of me?” I ask.

  “No,” he states, very matter of factly. “Because now I know.”

  “Know what?”

  “That you really love her.”

  “Of course I do.”

  “I just had to be sure.”

  He pulls an envelope from his back pocket and holds it out in front of me.

  “What’s this?” I ask, grabbing it from his hand and reading the inscription. Perplexed, I look at him.

  “Why I had to be sure. I found it on your step when we were leaving. Katie was bringing this to you. It’s meant for the person who loves her, so I’m guessing that means it’s yours.”

  “Who’s it from?”

  Tommy stands, making his way to the door solemnly. “I think you should just open it, and when you’re done reading it you can make your decision. But this bullshit has got to stop. Seriously, it’s time for you guys to make a decision and stick to it. No more of this limbo nonsense.”

  I nod and without another word Tommy leaves. Staring down at the writing, I read it again.

  To the Man That Holds Her Heart.

  With a deep breath I slide my finger under the fold and rip.

  I’m sitting, staring at nothing in particular. Just being still, trying to stop my mind from reeling. I’ve been thinking too much lately and what has it got me? A whole bunch of heartache.

  When we’d finally got home I just wanted to be alone, but Tommy had called Stevenson the second he got in the house. The good doctor made a special trip out to the farm to see me and he’s been back every day for a week, just trying to get me to open back up.

  It’s been two weeks since I finally came clean to everyone about Zoe, and one week since my heart had been ripped from my chest for the final time.

  “Katie? Did you hear me?” Stevenson asks, a hint of annoyance in his voice. I’m sure this is getting old for him. Who knows, maybe he’ll just leave it alone and give up.

  I look up and he’s still staring at me, waiting for an answer. I want to tell him he’ll be waiting a while, but I don’t. He sits for a few more minutes, obviously deep in thought, before he stands and leaves me alone.

  Finally, I think as I lie back.

  I’m tired. Sleep continues to evade me and the nightmares are back. Well, not nightmares exactly, but memories of my reality.

  I’m haunted. I can’t remember the last time I ate because I can’t tolerate anything. It all tastes like lies. Putrid and disgusting.

  I hear bits and pieces of a three-way conversation between Mom, Tommy and Stevenson in the hallway.

  “This is a huge setback…”

  “No shit.”

  “Tommy!”

  “It’s tricky… dealing with more than we thought… Parker… trial medication.”

  “No drugs.”

  “Agreed… just got her back.”

  “Respect… however… there seems to be mental health issues… left untreated…”

  I lose interest. It doesn’t really matter anyway.

  I stand up and walk out of the room into the hallway. They stop talking when they see me but I stare blankly at them before brushing past and climbing the stairs, heading straight for my room where I flop backwards onto my bed. Embracing the silence I close my eyes, hoping to drift to sleep, but my attempts are cut short by a rapping on my window.

  The sound has my heart racing and I jump up. There’s only one person who would sneak through my window. I consider ignoring the tapping until I hear my name being whispered. My name on his lips will never get old, no matter how many times he and I screw up.

  Turning my face to the window, I see Parker’s face illuminated from the moon on the other side. “Katie, please let me in. I need to talk to you. Let me explain.”

  This makes me angry. I just want to be alone. Why can’t he just let me self-destruct.

  Fuming, I stalk towards the window and sling it open keeping my back toward him. Those eyes of his turn me to mush too easily. Stupid eyes.

  The breeze from outside whips into the room and Parker huffs as he climbs in. “Shit. I haven’t snuck into a girls room in ages.”

  More anger. How could he possibly feel like it was an appropriate time to joke? I spin on my heels and shoot daggers his way. Lifting his hands in surrender, he starts b
acktracking.

  “I’m sorry. I was a moron. I am a moron.” Reaching in his back pocket, he pulls out a familiar envelope, only now it looks worn. Like it has been read a million times over. “I found this.”

  Despite my wavering emotions, I continue shooting daggers at him. He’s hurt me for the final time. I won’t let him control me anymore.

  “I read it, Katie, and I think you need to hear what he had to say.”

  I don’t answer, but he pulls out the paper anyway and moves to sit on the edge of my mattress.

  The sudden proximity is too much and I back away from him. How did he get that?

  The memory of me dropping it floods back, and I know he must’ve found it on his doorstep. It’s the one letter I haven’t had the strength to read. Literally scared by a piece of paper, I back away from him.

  My back bumps against the wall and I press the palms of my hands to it, feeling the ripples of the old wallpaper underneath my fingertips. Nervously I pinch at a bubble, hoping to cause some of it to break away between my fingers. The anxiety rises within me when Parker gets me to break my silence again.

  “Don’t. I can’t.”

  Sliding down the wall a strangled sound escapes from between my lips. Parker falls to his knees, crawling over to me.

  “Yes, you can, kiddo.” He looks into my eyes and straight into my soul. “You have to know. To hear what he had to say.”

  Tears roll down my cheeks, a mixture of guilt and grief. Worn out, mentally and physically, I can do nothing more than nod. Needing no further encouragement, Parker sits next to me, placing his left hand in mine and clearing his throat as he begins to read.

  “I might not know who you are, but I do know that she thinks of you everyday. She gets this look in her eyes and I know that she’s no longer there with me, she’s someplace with you. It usually happens in the morning, when the sun’s rising, when she looks at a clock, or after a bad day at work, but mostly it happens when she looks at Zoe. Okay, so it happens pretty much all the time.

  I don’t know what happened between you two, but I do know that she refuses to watch Titanic, or go to a lake to swim, and even to go back to her family farm. I’m assuming that’s because of you and that’s okay, but you’ve got to know that after you broke her I was left with the task of putting her together again.

  And I’m okay with all of that. Because any amount of time with Katie is better than none. I know that she may have made mistakes, but who hasn’t? Don’t we all deserve a second chance? An opportunity to right ourselves.

  Just know that you are her person, but I was merely her Band-Aid. She loved me and I loved her, but without me there, she’ll need you again. I hope that she’ll find her way back to you, because you will be the key to her happiness. Katie deserves as much. It will be your turn to fix her broken heart now. I just hope that you can return the favor.”

  The room is silent while I wait for more. But nothing comes.

  “That’s it,” Parker says, folding the letter back up and handing it over to me. With no thought for manners, I snatch it from his hands because I don’t believe it. Needing to see it with my own eyes I quickly unfold the letter, seeing the words scrawled in Michael’s distinctive handwriting. I place my hand over my mouth, containing the sob threatening to come out.

  “I’m sorry, kiddo. I miss you, I need you,” he pauses to kiss my hand. “Please, you’re the only thing in my life that makes sense.”

  Realizing how much control he has over me and my emotions, I sit back on the bed and throw my head into my hands. “I’m tired of you hurting me. You’ve been at it my whole life, and I can’t do it anymore, Parker.” I know I don’t mean what I’m saying because I don’t know how I could go on living without him.

  The room is filled with an awkward tension before he sighs and puts his arm around my shoulders. The contact is strange and I shrug him away but change my mind when I look up into his broken face. It’s not just broken with the pain of my weak attempt at pushing him away. It is literally broken.

  There are cuts above his eye and on his lip. Tommy had obviously gone back to kick his ass the other night. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Katie. We’ve both made mistakes, but I’m done pushing you away. I can’t do it without you.”

  “Do what?” I ask, my resolve slowly melting away.

  “Live. Be successful… be sober. Getting drunk has always been about trying to forget you. The other day I couldn’t fight it any more. I hurt so much that I decided to give it another shot. I wanted to numb the pain. I knew it wouldn’t work, it never did before, but I was hurt, crushed, and ignorantly thought that maybe a few drinks would let me forget. If it didn’t, I hoped at least maybe it would numb the pain a bit. I was wasted, but I still missed you… and Zoe.” His voice cracks and he pauses, attempting to gather himself before continuing. “Then that girl threw herself at me and I thought if I had sex with her—”

  “Stop,” I beg.

  “No. You need to hear this. I thought maybe giving meaningless sex another chance might be the ticket. But it wasn’t. Hell, I couldn’t even… ya know. And then I was trying to imagine it was you.” He pauses, wringing his neck with his free hand. “You and I… we make sense, Katie. Yes, we’ve both fucked up, but I’m done trying to fight the inevitable. Aren’t you?”

  I want to still be mad, but I’m not.

  I can’t be.

  Because deep down I know. Just like Michael had.

  He needs me, and I know without a doubt I need him too.

  Parker is the key to keeping me sane.

  “I needed to grieve, Katie, just like you. Yeah, I didn’t do it in the best of ways. But in that moment, when you told me that Zoe was mine, my heart shattered into a million pieces. I still need time to mourn, but now we don’t have to do it alone. We can pick up the pieces together.”

  A tear streams down my cheek. My heart hurts for him and for the relationship he never got to have with our daughter. I had been so selfish but I can’t find the words to tell him that.

  Parker shifts uneasily next to me. I can tell he’s thinking, because he’s grabbing at his hair trying to kick-start his brain. “Did I ever tell you about my mother leaving?”

  I shake my head, still not ready to contribute to the conversation verbally.

  “She left because of her addiction. She was a drunk, pushed me and Dad out of her life. I grew up thinking that she was so noble doing that, almost like she was protecting us. So that’s what I did to you. I thought if it worked for her, it could work for me. I just wanted to protect you from my demons. But after you got in that accident, I realized that time is too precious. I had been a coward, just like my mother. But I refuse to let you slip away again.”

  I know Parker’s telling the truth, and I find it hard for me to be mad at him when we’ve both made terrible mistakes. Neither of us are perfect, and I’m tired of being alone. I move closer to him and snake my arms around his waist. “No more drama,” I say into his neck. “You and I, no matter what comes at us, we work through it.”

  Parker leans back and crosses his chest with his hand. “I promise.”

  A slow grin works its way across his gorgeous face and the butterflies in my stomach return. He places his hand gently on my cheek. “You gotta understand, Katie, everything I ever did in life, I did it with you in mind. Some of the stuff I did I’m not proud of, but just know that I was always thinking of you.”

  Once Parker sneaks back out my window, I’m left in silence again. I consider heading down stairs and letting everyone in on the fact that I’m going to be okay, but I don’t. Instead, I revel in the silence. I feel torn. My heart wanting one thing, while my brain tells me another. I’m lying on my bed questioning my decision to forgive and forget when there’s a knock on the door. Without waiting for me to answer it creaks open, and I don’t even have to look to know it’s Tommy.

  “Hey, Katie, mind if I come in?”

  With a flick of my head I gesture for him to c
ome in, patting the bed indicating that I want him to sit with me. He doesn’t hesitate and plops down next to me.

  “Jesus, Katie,” he starts, throwing his arm around me. I fall into his chest and sigh. Being in Tommy’s arms is one of my favorite places on earth. It always has been.

  “Katie, I know that shit is tough. Hell, I don’t know if I could endure half of what you’ve gone through—”

  “Tommy,” I whisper, “you don’t have to say anything.”

  “Yeah, I do,” he argues. “You gotta know that I finally see that you and Parker are meant for each other. I never realized it before. Why I’m not really sure, because looking back on all we’ve been through it seems so clear to me now.” Tommy leans down and kisses me on the forehead. “You deserve to be happy and so does Parker. And as his best friend, I’m ready to see him stop self-destructing. I want you to know that he loves you.”

  “How do you know?” I ask.

  “I know because Parker and I rarely fight or disagree and we’ve only come to blows over a few things in our lives Katie, but every time we have, it’s been about you.”

  I look at him curiously because I know that this isn’t true. I’d seen Tommy pummel Parker for taking the last of his chew one time, years ago. “I’ve seen you kick Parker’s ass over some pretty petty things in my days, Tommy.”

  “And I’m telling you that it may have seemed like that, but it’s always been about me trying to protect you. Go on, try me.”

  “Huh?” I ask, seriously confused.

  Tommy sits back, and spins his hat on his head. “Give me a time you’ve seen me put a hurting on Parker, and I’ll explain it to you.”

  “The infamous chew incident,” I lead.

  Tommy smiles. “Ah, I’d caught Parker checking you out in your bikini at the creek earlier that day.”

  “The time he forgot to pay you back your twenty bucks?”

  “Parker always forgot to repay me, but that time? That time I’d overheard him telling one of our buddies that you were hot.”

  I look at him, disbelieving.

  He puts his hands up in surrender. “True story. Try me again.”