Kismet

by AE Woodward

  Parker stands with me admiring their final resting place in silence. He snakes his arm around my waist, pulling me next to him so our sides are touching. “I’m proud of you. And they would be too.”

  I nod. A sense of peace comes over me as Parker and I make our way back to his car in silence, and although I know I won’t be able to see them again, here on earth, at least I can visit them one day. Because I have no doubt that they are up there in heaven, looking down on me, smiling.

  The pen scratches against the paper as I jot down some of my thoughts while looking out that familiar bay window, sipping on some hot tea and reflecting on everything. For some reason, I want to have what I’m feeling in writing for Parker to be able to read someday, for him to really understand what he’s done for me.

  The weather has turned cold fast and they’re calling for snow. The first of the season. A familiar butterfly kicks in my stomach and I smile before my hand falls to rest on my bump. Pregnancy is something so special, and I enjoy every part of it. A lot of women complain about the morning sickness, the cramping, and the swelling, but to me each day is a gift. It was something meant to be cherished. There is a miracle growing inside me, and you won’t catch me complaining. Especially now.

  I’m just about to give up and take a nap when I see the first few flakes fall. I stare intently as the pace picks up. So captivated am I by the sight that I’m not sure the amount of time that has passed when Parker walks in. I shuffle my papers around, stuffing them into my notebook before closing it.

  “Whatcha doing?” he asks.

  I shrug. “Just writing down some stuff.”

  He props himself up against the doorframe and crosses his arms. “You look sad,” he says, rubbing his hands together to warm them. He’s spent the better part of the morning outside with Tommy working on something but neither of them will say what that “something” is. Secretive Farm stuff is all they’ll tell me.

  “It’s snowing,” I sigh. “Zoe loved the snow.”

  The room is once again silent for a moment before Parker moves towards me. Before I know what’s happening he grabs the blanket and flings it off my body.

  “Get dressed,” he commands.

  “Why?” I ask, slightly annoyed because all I really want to do is sit on the couch and watch the snow fall. I want to feel her with me, even if it’s just for a moment.

  “We’re going outside.”

  Even though it’s not exactly how I want to spend my afternoon, I do as I’m told and make my way upstairs to the master bedroom that Parker and I now share. It seems weird sleeping in what I’ve always known as my parents’ room, but Tommy and Parker insisted that we move into this room since it’s bigger and has its own full bathroom. I hurriedly throw on some warm clothes, boots, and a hat and mittens before meeting him outside.

  Parker is nowhere to be seen and I look around the yard from the front porch. It takes some serious scanning before I notice that he’s already lying on the ground. It’s peculiar, but I just shrug my shoulders and walk toward him, flopping down into the snow by his side. We lie on our backs, looking at the sky.

  I’ve always liked looking through snow. It’s how I imagine traveling through space feels like—stars passing you by faster than you can comprehend. The cold flakes land on my face where they melt just as quickly as they fell. “Make a snow angel,” Parker says from the ground next to me.

  Without thinking I start moving my arms and feet to form the shape on an angel. I sit up, carefully removing myself from my imprint, taking a step back to admire it. A lump forms in my throat and Parker slides his hand in mine, the warmth from him letting the blood flow to my fingertips.

  It’s like he knows the exact moments that I need him—the times where I feel myself slipping away again—and he grabs me, dragging me back to him.

  “I love you,” he whispers.

  “I know.”

  The snow falls around us as he leans forward and presses his lips to mine. It starts sweet but I open my mouth inviting him in, the coldness dissipating with each flick of his tongue. He stops and takes a deep breath before placing his hands onto my now very round belly. “I used to think it was strange that I missed her even though I never knew her. But then Tommy helped me understand that I miss her because you do, that my love for you makes my sorrow over our loss that much worse.”

  Even with the progress I have made, and the support I receive, my guilt still consumes me and his words cut me deep.. “I’m so sorry, Parker. Not a day goes by where I don’t wish I could go back and make everything right.”

  “Don’t.”

  “Don’t what?” I ask confused.

  “Don’t say that, because if things had gone differently I don’t know where you and I would be today. There’s no guaranteeing what life would have thrown at us. And being here with you, right now, is just what we both need.”

  I consider what he’s saying, and I know he’s right. Without our past we wouldn’t be who, or where, we are today. “Life isn’t fair.” I say without thinking. The words are harsh but true.

  “Maybe so, but it always seems to have a way for making it up.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Every curveball that life throws at us seems to have some sort of silver lining. Even though there’s been so much bad shit between you and I, we’ve had plenty of good too.”

  I push myself closer to him, his warmth slowly warming me too.

  We sit in silence until I feel myself shiver. “Let’s get you inside before we get hypothermia,” he says, helping me up off the ground.

  Once inside, Parker and I get cozy on the couch with some hot chocolate. The day has turned to evening so I turn the TV on and immediately lose myself in some stupid show. It’s trashy and mindless, just how I like them, and I get so lost in the drama that I almost don’t notice the soft tickling on my ankle. When I do, I look down to see Parker holding my feet. Feeling my gaze on him, he stops scribbling and smirks at me. I smile back. I love that he still writes me notes every now and then. It takes me back to a simpler time, and I feel carefree and in love. I can’t even begin to describe all the emotions it invokes in me.

  “Whatcha writing?” I ask after a few minutes pass and he’s still making marks.

  “Oh you know, just a little somethin’ somethin’,” he teases.

  I roll my eyes and go back to my show. With each passing moment my eyelids get heavier, and eventually I give in letting them fall to rest. I’m so tired all the time, a little nap won’t hurt me…

  I feel so sad all the time, well, except for moments like this when Parker writes me notes. But they’re not just notes, they’re notes on my skin. And when he writes me notes, Parker McKenzie touches my skin.

  I’m looking up at him, hanging on his every word while he tells me about his first day in middle school, focusing intently on whatever he’s writing on my wrist. “And we have lockers that have locks. I spent all day trying to memorize my combination, only to forget it at dismissal. It was so embarrassing.”

  I hang on his every word. Listening him talk with such ease is relaxing. It makes me forget my feelings for a moment.

  “There,” he says proudly, letting go of my wrist. I pull it up so that I can see what he wrote.

  In tiny block letters are lyrics to a song that we listen to day in and day out around Mom. Trisha Yearwood and her “In Love With The Boy.” Mom is obsessed with it and she pretty much plays it on repeat, day in and day out. I’m gonna marry that boy someday, it says in his signature script.

  I look at him curiously. He shrugs his shoulders and runs his hand through his hair. “I dunno, it was playing in the car when your Mom picked us up today and it’s stuck in my head, is all.” I smile at him because I can tell he’s nervous. He fidgets with his fingernails before standing and saying, “Listen, I’m gonna go outside with Tommy for a bit now. I’ll catch up with you later, Katie.”

  I don’t even get a chance to nod before he flies out the door.

/>   “Katie,” I hear Parker say to me. My eyes slowly flicker open, and I hear some coyotes howl somewhere in the distance. How long have I slept?

  “I gotta go outside and help Tommy get the animals in for the night.”

  I nod. Coyotes around the animals is not something to be taken lightly, so I pick my feet up off his lap and don’t argue. The memory still fresh in my mind, I smile when he leans down and places a kiss on my forehead before leaving. For a few more minutes I stay where I am, almost forgetting that he was writing on me before I fell asleep. Curious, I pull my leg up and look at what he scrawled earlier and my heart stops when I take in the words.

  I’m gonna marry that girl one day.

  “I mean it.”

  The sound makes me jump and I focus my attention in the direction of his voice. Parker looks at me from the doorway, his face serious and set in a hard line. “I meant it back then,” I gasp, thinking that it’s too weird to think that I’ve just been dreaming about the very thing he was thinking about, “and I mean it now. When you’re ready, Katie, I want to make you my wife. It’s always been about you and me. You’re my angel.”

  “I disagree,” I say.

  “How so?”

  “Because from day one you’ve been my angel.”

  I get up from my spot on the couch and walk towards him. “You’ve watched over me since I was a toddler. You were like a second brother, I was a lucky girl to have you both. Then when Mandy died, and I totally withdrew, you didn’t give up on me. Not for one second. You held out hope that I was still in there and you made sure I knew that I wasn’t alone. And then, even though we trampled all over each other’s hearts, you made sure you were there for me again, in my greatest time of need. So there, Parker McKenzie.” I stop and wrap my arms around his waist, pulling him close to me. “You’re my angel.”

  “Maybe we’re both angels,” he whispers, placing a soft kiss on my forehead and wrapping his arms around me, “sent here to save the other from themselves.”

  Pondering what he’s said, I look up at him. “I can buy that.”

  A few moments of silence fill the room with tension before he pinches my backside. “What?” I ask.

  “You didn’t acknowledge what I said.”

  “About what?” I tease.

  “About you, marrying me.”

  “What about it?” I joke, a slow laugh escaping my lips. It feels good to be happy and laugh again. Especially here with Parker.

  He rolls his eyes, dropping his arms from me. “Forget I asked.”

  “But you didn’t ask,” I tease.

  “Well… yeah, I kinda did.”

  “No,” I argue, “you wrote it. We use words ’round here.”

  Catching my meaning, Parker drops to his knee in front of me, his hand holding mine like his life depends on it. His eyes locked on me. “So what do you say, kiddo? Not today, and probably not tomorrow, but someday soon, when you’re ready, will you marry this boy?”

  All words leave me. He’s rendered me speechless.

  “We use word ’round here, Katie. Remember?” he taunts.

  “Yes, of course I’ll marry you, someday. Definitely not today, and certainly not tomorrow, but Parker Mackenzie, you can be sure that every day of the rest of my life is yours.”

  I can’t drag myself out of bed today. To take some of the pressure off me, Parker got up hours ago and took care of my chores before his own. Last night was crazy, I cried more than I have in months. I blamed it on the hormones of the pregnancy but in all actuality coping with today is even more difficult than I imagined.

  It’s Zoe’s birthday.

  She would have been six and it kills me that she’s not here. I should have said something to someone, especially Parker but I couldn’t. I just need to work through this on my own. Hours pass while I lie there, looking at the ceiling and counting tiles even though I already know how many there are. I’m not sure what time it is exactly, but the sun from the day is starting to fade when the door opens a little bit and Parker sticks his head in.

  “Katie…”

  “Yeah,” I whisper. Sobs threaten from deep in my throat.

  “Can I come in?” he asks, opening the door a little more. His eyes meet mine and I can tell that he’s pleading with me. I’m making him nervous and it kills me that I feel like this. I don’t want to be sad, but I am. Devastated doesn’t even begin to cover it and, deep down, I know I could never have prepared myself for today.

  Needing to give him something, to do something to take away the pain in his eyes, I nod and he takes a step in, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. He pauses for a few moments, looking down at the floor before he makes his way to the bed with me. He plops next to me, the mattress creaking under his weight. Just having him near helps, especially when he leans down and kisses me on the cheek.

  “I hate it when you’re sad,” he whispers in my ear. “But just remember that you’re not alone. You’ve got us.” Taking his hands from his pockets, he reaches for my wrist and unties the bracelet that he gave me so many years ago. It feels strange not to have it on my wrist and I’m not really sure what he’s doing as he fiddles with it, but a few seconds later he’s tying it back on. “I got this for you, just for today.”

  Taking his hands from my wrist he steps back and I lift my hand to my face to get a closer look. A tear rolls down my face as I see the new “Z” charm hanging next to the others.

  “I know today is her birthday, and I thought you could use a little extra strength.”

  “How did you—”

  “I’m not stupid,” he interjects, “ and I notice things because you matter to me.”

  No more words are necessary, and I sit up, slamming my body into his and wrapping my arms tightly around his neck. “I love you, Parker McKenzie. Every day.”

  “Me too, kiddo. Me too.”

  What feels like hours pass as we sit there, clinging onto each other like our lives depend on it when we hear Tommy call up the stairs. “Are you two coming down or what? I’m tired of waiting, Parker!”

  Parker laughs as he lets me go. “What is he talking about?” I ask, fiddling with my bracelet.

  “We’ve got something else for you,” he says as he stands and holds his hand out for mine.

  I contemplate my choices for a moment. I can stay here and wallow in my sadness, or I can go and be with people that love me. After everything that has happened, I know I will still have bad days, days like today where I’ll want to withdraw back into the familiar loneliness, but I won’t, because Parker won’t let me. With a wry smile, I slide my hand into his and he leads me down the stairs.

  Tommy stands there, his hand on his hip. “Took you long enough,” he scolds. “You said you’d be right down with her.”

  Parker slaps him in the chest, telling him to cool it, but I actually appreciate the normalcy. “What do you guys have to show me?” I ask, hoping to release some of the tension between them. They just love to harass each other.

  “Get your coat on,” Tommy demands. “We’re going in the barn.

  It takes me a few minutes to get geared up to go outside, but Tommy and Parker wait patiently. The ground is icy and Parker holds my hand as we make our way to the barn through the snow that has been present since December. Tommy gestures for me to go ahead of him and once inside I immediately see what they’ve done. Propped up against the back wall, next to Onyx’s stall, is an enormous wooden sign. Astonished, I look back at Tommy and Parker who are looking quite smug and proud of themselves.

  “Go check it out,” Parker urges.

  I walk towards the back and fall to my knees in front of it admiring the handiwork. They have hand carved the lettering that forms the name I came up with for the farm, once we opened for therapeutic purposes. I run my fingers over the huge clock before reading it aloud. “Camp Make It Count. Is this what you two have been up to?”

  Parker nods. “We wanted to do something special for you for today.”

  I stand a
nd make my way over to where they’re still standing, quickly giving each of them a hug. “I don’t know what I would do without you two.”

  Tommy smiles. “Well we’d be pretty lost without you too, Katie. We’ve been there before and it’s not very much fun.”

  “This is amazing,” I breathe. “Looks like we’ve got some serious planning to do.”

  “Yeah, we do. We’ve got a meeting at the bank later this week.” I turn around at the sound of the new voice. I’m shocked, my mouth hanging open slightly when I see Stevenson standing in the door of the barn. “You didn’t think I’d miss out on this did you, Katie? This is a brilliant idea, and it’s something I want to be a part of.”

  It’s amazing to think that my idea is something great, and hearing Stevenson say that he wants to be involved makes my heart happy. I run to him, throwing my arms around him. It’s probably something I shouldn’t do, considering that he is—or was—my doctor it probably violates some sort of doctor/patient code of conduct, but he is so much more than my doctor. He is now, and always will be, part of my family.

  “I filled him in on your little idea,” Parker leads.

  “And once he told me, I knew that I had to help someway. This is the start of something special, Katie. You’re going to make a difference in a lot of lives,” Stevenson finishes.

  “So what are you going to do?” I ask.

  “The good doctor is going to offer therapy sessions once a week,” Tommy says with a smile on his face.

  Through glassy eyes, I look up at the man who has seen me through tough times and he nods letting me know it’s true. A tear rolls down my cheek, but they’re not tears of sadness this time. They’re tears because I finally know that I’m not alone and that so many people care about me.

  Stevenson holds his arm out to me, gesturing for me to join him. “Shall we?” he asks.