Kismet

by AE Woodward

  Without a second thought, I link my arm with his and we head inside for the start of a session that Parker and Tommy scheduled for me. And just like that, on day that had started with so much darkness and hurt in my heart, there was light.

  A few months have passed, and with each day life gets a little easier. Parker and I visit my family often, just to sit and be with Michael, Zoe, and the baby. In my head I imagine they’re smiling down on me, happy that I’ve found something, or someone, to make me whole again.

  It’s early in the morning, my favorite time of the day, and the sun is just starting to dry the dew on the grass while I go about my new normal day-to-day business. As the pregnancy has progressed my doctor had urged me to take it easy and I have. I’ve been doing the bare minimum, and started to go out of my mind in the process, but in order for me to keep my sanity I do the same thing every morning—feed and water the horses while Parker cleans the stalls.

  We’re completely in charge and it feels good. Tommy, Parker, and I are in the early stages of creating a therapeutic farm. A place for kids like me to come and get the help they need from the horses, and for the first time in a long while, I’m excited about what the future holds. I actually feel like I’m on the right path and that the future will be bright for me.

  The day starts like it always does. Making my way through the farm, I feed the chickens, say good morning to the horses, freshen the hay. But I always end my morning with Onyx. She gets the royal treatment—day after day I give her a good rub down and some special treats. I make my way into her stall, my belly bumping hers as I make my way in.

  “Sorry, girl,” I laugh. Once in the back I grab her brush and immediately get to work, losing track of time as I go. I notice Onyx start to shift back and forth, suddenly uneasy. “S’okay, girl,” I mutter as I rub her back with my free hand.

  I go back to work but freeze when I hear the sound making her anxious. Carefully, I peek in front of her to see the beady eyes of a wild coyote, staring us both down. My heart jumps into my throat, knowing that my situation is precarious. I’m standing near Onyx’s hindquarters, looking straight into the coyote’s eyes. Onyx shifts again. I pat her side, “Easy there, Onyx. I got you.”

  I know I need to make a move, but I’m not in the best situation and my options are limited. I have to close the door to her stable before it’s too late. I skirt out to the side slowly. It’s just a few steps to reach the door, but I freeze when I make eye contact with the little beast looking at us like we’re his next meal. When I was a child I remember Pop warning me and Tommy about wild animals. They never get close unless they’re sick. He lets out a low growl, his mouth covered in a white froth and I know he’s got rabies. No normal coyote would get this close to people no matter how hungry it was.

  I’m able to take one step towards the door before he leaps at Onyx. She lets out a screech and starts trying to kick him as he runs around her little stall, nipping at her hooves. Not knowing what to do, I back into the corner, shielding myself in hopes to avoid her kicks, when I hear Parker screaming, “Katie! Katie!”

  He rounds the corner and makes eye contact with me before taking in the situation. “Jesus Christ!” he yells. “Tommy get the .22!”

  It all happens so fast. Onyx screams and kicks out at the coyote as it continues to torment her, and while it seems like forever for Tommy to grab the .22, in actuality mere seconds pass. I’m still hovering in the back corner, my adrenaline at its peak, when I hear the snap of the gun and I look just in time to see the coyote drop to the floor. Tommy sets the gun down and grabs Onyx by her reins, making soothing noises to calm her down. It doesn’t take long before she huffs, and he runs his hands over her head saying, “There, you’re okay, girl.”

  Parker pushes past her toward the back of the stall, straight to me.

  “Katie!” His voice is hoarse and I throw my arms around his neck thinking I had escaped unscathed. The second his skin touches mine, the adrenaline leaves my body and a familiar pain seers deep in my stomach. I wince and he pulls back from our embrace, his face falling and draining of all color. “Fuck. Tommy, go call an ambulance.”

  I move my hand from his neck down between my legs and immediately feel the wetness. I don’t need to look to know, but I do anyway. Bringing my hand up I see the blood covering my skin and my heart sinks.

  “The baby,” I groan, the pain deep in the pit of my stomach suddenly unbearable.

  My knees give out and I start to fall, but Parker holds me tight. “I got ya,” he says, guiding me to the barn floor. I look down, there’s so much blood it’s starting to pool at my feet. Suddenly I don’t feel well.

  “Hey,” Parker grabs my face, “look at me. Focus on me, kiddo.”

  I nod, tears falling down my cheeks.

  I hear footsteps and look up to see Tommy staring down at us. “They’re on their wa— oh shit.”

  “Cool it, Tommy,” Parker scolds.

  I’m shaking, but I don’t remember it being that cold. “Would you two stop bickering? You’re worse than an old married couple.”

  Parker forces a laugh. Suddenly exhausted, I close my eyes. “Don’t you dare, Katie. Don’t close those beautiful eyes of yours.”

  “I’m tired,” I argue.

  “You gotta stay awake, Katie,” Tommy adds. In the distance I hear the sirens and he and Parker share a look before Tommy says, “I’ll go get them,” and hurries out of the barn in the direction of the sirens.

  I feel so disoriented, like I’m back at the hospital loaded up with drugs, fighting off the nightmares. It seems so long ago, like another life entirely, when in actuality only a year has passed.

  “This is bad, isn’t it?” I ask, gripping Parker’s bloodied hands.

  “Don’t say that,” he chokes. The paramedics rush in with Tommy and immediately start moving me. Everything in my vision is distorted as a foggy haze surrounds me.

  They’re talking rushed to Parker and I can only comprehend a few words at a time.

  “Blunt force trauma.”

  “Placental Abruption.”

  “Blood loss.”

  The barn is a flurry of action. Tommy calls to Parker that he’ll meet us at the hospital and then it’s a whirlwind and before I know it, Parker and I are in the ambulance. He looks worried as he watches the two paramedics work on me feverishly. They’re arguing over something. I can’t really make out what they’re saying but I sense that things aren’t good. The jostling of the ambulance tells me that we must be traveling fast, but I don’t notice anything beyond that because I keep going in and out.

  “Stay with us, Katie,” one of the medics commands. I open my eyes wider just in time to see them inject something into my IV.

  My mind is reeling with possibilities. I’m still not entirely sure what’s going on, I just know that this is bad. I feel bad, and the baby isn’t kicking. “The baby,” I manage to croak out.

  Nobody answers me.

  “My baby…”

  “We’ve still got a heartbeat, Katie, but we’ve got to deliver the baby now. You’re losing too much blood, the placenta has detached and the baby isn’t getting enough oxygen. We can get the baby out, but it won’t come without risk.” She pauses and looks at Parker. “If we don’t do something, we risk losing them both.” Her words shock me.

  “Save the baby, please!” I plead.

  The medic nods and looks back to Parker. “There are no guarantees with this. Do we have your permission?”

  “Yes, yes!” he cries. “Just please, do something!”

  The panic in his voice is unsettling, and I reach my hand out for him just as a powerful cramp resounds through my stomach and I scream. “I’m right here,” Parker kisses the top of my hand. “I’m not going anywhere, kiddo.”

  Cold air rushes over me as my shirt is pushed up and I look down just in time to see the medic dumping iodine over my bare stomach. “Oh my God,” I choke out, the tears streaming fast down my face. “Parker, I’m so scared.”
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  He leans down, pressing his forehead to mine. “It’s gonna be okay, Katie.”

  I’m not stupid. I can feel it deep within me. Time is running out. Parker just won’t admit it. This is the only way, the way to fix all my mistakes. “Let’s make it count,” I croak, forcing myself to smile as I feel the searing pain glide across my abdomen.

  Parker kisses the tattoo on my wrist. The more time that passes the more bearable the pain becomes. Even through the foggy haze I feel tugging and pulling, but Parker’s eyes never leave mine. I’m so thankful to have something so beautiful to focus on, to keep my mind off the inevitable.

  The instant I hear cries I feel lighter. I breathe a sigh of relief knowing that it will all be okay, one of us will be there for him. My ears ring as my head begins to spin.

  “It’s a girl!” the medic calls out. Parker breaks his gaze from mine, looking in the direction of the baby. The smile on his face, the pride, lets me know that everything will be okay. He’s still staring at her when I reach up and touch his cheek. He looks back down at me, tears filling his eyes.

  “She’s gorgeous, Katie,” he breathes through a sob.

  “Of course she is,” I manage to say. My mouth feels as though it’s full of cotton balls and a dull pain sears through me. I wince. “She’s ours. Now what are we going to name her?”

  A darkness creeps in near the corners of my eyes. I feel dizzy.

  “Her BP is dropping.”

  I feel nothing. I feel light. I feel happy.

  Parker looks scared. “It’s okay,” I assure him. “All of this, it’s been worth it.”

  “Katie,” he begs, his tears falling freely now. “Please.” He knows what’s coming just as well as I do. “You can’t… I can’t…” I’m fading fast and I need to say what I’ve been waiting to say now, before it’s too late.

  “It all makes sense you know,” I whisper, my strength leaving me faster than I could’ve possibly imagined. “I got to be with you again Parker…” My breath hitches and I close my eyes focusing on regaining some control. “You saved me and I saved you. This, this is what was supposed to happen. I’m making it all right for you. I’m fixing my mistakes.”

  I look up at him, Parker McKenzie, the man of my dreams, tears rolling freely down his beautiful face as he breaks down, and my heart dies a little bit more. I’m not ready to be without him. A sob escapes from my lips. “Don’t you realize,” I cry, “I wasn’t supposed to die with them. I was meant to find my way back to you, for this reason and this reason alone.”

  “Stop, Katie,” Parker bites through the tears. “Don’t you do this. You’re staying right here. I won’t let you say good-bye. I won’t!”

  The sobs are uncontrollable now, coinciding with my body trembling. I’m so scared, so cold. I have to finish, to tell him what I feel. I gather the last bit of strength I have from somewhere deep within my body. “I was meant to give you her, that was my purpose. My second chance wasn’t meant for me”—I take a deep breath, trying to push away the sudden pressure on my chest—“it was meant for you.”

  He falls to his knees next to me, hanging his head between his legs and I watch his shoulders tremble. He’s breaking down as I slip away. He slides his hands into mine and I notice how warm he feels. “Don’t give up, Katie,” he pleads, “please, I can’t live without you again.”

  I rub his cheek. “Yes you can. And you will, because you’ll have her.”

  My eyelids flutter, my hand suddenly drops, the weight of it no longer bearable.

  “Katie, please…”

  His breath is warm against the bold skin of my neck and I feel his head next to mine, the wet tears falling onto my skin. “I can’t lose you. What am I going to do? You’re my person. I knew it the first time I laid eyes on you. I loved that sad little girl with the long hair and beautiful eyes more than I loved myself. I spent years holding onto hope that one day you’d be mine, this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be! We’re supposed to get married…”

  My eyes close. I can hear my heart beat slowing. I’m drifting despite my attempts at staying grounded. I’m so tired. “You are mine and I am yours,” I whisper into the darkness. “I always have been, and I always will be.”

  Some days are better than others. There are the ones where it all feels normal, like she’s still here. But then there are the days where all I want to do is breakdown. Today? Well, today just happens to be a breakdown day.

  It’s a special day today and I’m happy, but my happiness always has a hole in it. It’s been a long time coming, four years coming to be exact but we’re opening the farm to the public and Katie’s dream is finally becoming a reality.

  And she isn’t here to see it.

  Camp Make It Count will help children from all walks of life, just like it did for Katie. We’d run into a few snafus during our journey—from money to logistics—but Tommy and I never gave up hope.

  I’m standing on the porch, my morning cup of coffee in my hand. Having just read her letter for the millionth time, I’m admiring the hard work that Tommy and I have done when I hear her.

  “Daddy,” she calls as she runs across the front yard in her bare feet. “Daddy!”

  I take a step down and meet her on the lawn, kneeling down so that I’m at her level. She still takes my breath away every time I look at her.

  “What, Khloe?”

  Saying her name always brings me back to that moment. The moment that my world came crashing down. When I’d lost Katie and she hadn’t had the chance to name our baby. I thought for days about how I would ever choose the perfect name until it finally hit me. K, for Katie, because she is, and always will be, her mother’s daughter because not a day goes by that I don’t see Katie in her. H and L, for Michael, because it just seemed right to honor him. And finally the O and E, for the daughter I never got to know. My sweet innocent Zoe, gone too soon.

  I reach out, placing my hands on her wrists and my thumb rubs that familiar black bracelet. The charms clink together as I move the string against her skin.

  “Onyx,” she screams excitedly. “Onyx is having her baby! Uncle Tommy wanted me to get you.”

  “Well then, what are we waiting for?”

  She giggles as I scoop her up in my arms and run her across the yard, straight into the stable, back to the very last stall. There isn’t a time that I’m here that I don’t think of her. It makes me smile to imagine that she comes here often, just to see how we’re doing.

  Entering the stall, I see Onyx lying on her side, Tommy hunched over in front of her blocking my view. He looks over his shoulder and smirks at me before moving to the side to let me see the new foal.

  “Awww,” Khloe sighs as I set her down. “What is it, Uncle Tommy?”

  “A girl.”

  We all share a knowing smile. “Can we Daddy? Can we?” Khloe asks excitedly.

  I kneel down with her, admiring the newest member of our family. “Of course we can, kiddo.”

  “What’s all the ruckus in here?”

  I turn to see Stevenson. He’s been there with us through it all, especially me. He’s given us an ear and shoulder to lean on. He’s even secured funding from the hospital for us to open the farm as a therapeutic center. Even though his job had technically been over years ago, he continued to be a part of our lives. Especially now that we were opening the camp.

  It doesn’t take Khloe long to bring him up to speed. Leaping up, she practically runs in his direction as the words spill from her mouth. “Onyx had a baby girl and guess what we’re going to name her? Guess! Guess!”

  “I’m fresh out of guesses. What are you going to name her?” Stevenson chirps back as he scoops her up in his arms.

  “We’re gonna name her Katie, just like Momma,” she states proudly.

  “I think that’s a fine name. Your Momma was a beautifully strong person, that horse is a lucky girl to be named after her.”

  “Can you tell me about her again, Stevie?”

  I feel the f
amiliar sting in my eyes, but I choke back the tears so that I can stay strong. Not for me but for her, for them.

  “Of course I will. Talking about your Mom is the best way to remember her.”

  The barn fills with memories while I listen onto Stevenson telling Khloe some of his favorite Katie stories. Tommy stands and puts his hand on my shoulder, silently letting me know that he’s there for me too. We’re all in this together, none of us have to go through it alone.

  After Katie died, Tommy really stepped up. He was as devastated as anyone, but he became my rock. Knowing that I’d need him, he didn’t move out like he had been planning to before Katie’s death. Instead he stayed on the farm with Khloe and I. The help he gave me was more than I could have ever asked him to. Late night feedings when I couldn’t drag my ass out of bed. Diaper changes when all I wanted to do was cry. Mr. And Mrs. Garvin made sure they were there for us whenever we needed. Taking care of Khloe when Tommy and I needed to breakdown together, when the pain was just too much to overcome, when I was too selfish to see the big picture. Yeah, Tommy and the Garvin’s were my saviors after Katie’s death.

  The fact of the matter is, I’m okay living without her for the rest of my life, I have to be obviously, but in the words of a wise man, at least I got her for a little while. She left me with Khloe for a reason—a little piece of her to keep me whole when I needed it most. Every day without Katie was a struggle, but every day with Khloe was a gift.

  Welcoming a new life to the farm is the perfect way to start the day and we’re all talking excitedly as we leave the barn. Khloe is rambling on at mile a minute about the festivities we have lined up for the opening. It will be a hub of excitement here in a few short hours. The public will be arriving, along with newspapers, and reporters from around the county, reporting on not only our amazing farm, but also about Katie’s story and how that led to her dream.

  Closing the stall door behind me, I take a final glance back at Onyx and her new baby. She’s busy cleaning them both up, but the foal makes eye contact with me and I know that today is the dawn of a new day. Things will only get better now that we’re carrying on Katie’s dream. So much was left unsaid, but the love between Katie and I spoke louder than words ever could. Her heart may have been a deep ocean of secrets, but it was always mine, and I truly believe that all of this happened for a reason. I have to. Because if I didn’t, what would be the sense in it all?