Shallow
Page 23
“You did good, Gabbie,” I told her before we left the cafeteria.
“You think so?” she rushed out, her cheeks flushed.
“Yeah, girl. Try out next year,” I said.
Her face fell. “What if I don’t get in?”
I bumped my arm against her shoulder. “At least you can say you tried.”
Dinner with my dad was always entertaining. Even when I didn’t want to laugh, he pulled it out of me.
We hadn’t spoken about Roderick since Danny had brought me back home after Roderick fully and thoroughly broke my heart. I didn’t even have to say anything to my dad about it, he just knew. Roderick and I were over.
I thought he still clung to hope that we might get back together. And after my little talk with Gabbie, a small flicker of hope sparkled to life.
It might not work, but I had to try. In the end, at least I could say I had.
When I went to my room after dinner, I dug my phone out of my pocket and clicked on the Instagram icon. Tagging Roderick, I added a picture Seth had taken of us. In the photo, I stared up at him, a secret smile on my face while he laughed into the camera. Putting my fingers to the phone’s keyboard, I bled. For him, for us.
It is love
that ignites
the beats in my heart
A breath stuttered against my lips. I hit post and sent up a small prayer that it would reach Roderick and remind him of what we had. Of what we could still have.
The hope I felt last night when I posted on Instagram vanished as I made my way to school. Countless people had liked it, commented on it, but not the one who counted the most.
Danny met me at my car when I pulled up. When I stepped out, I rushed into his arms.
“He doesn’t love me anymore,” I said.
“He does, he’s just hurting or too stupid to see it.”
“I thought if I wrote to him like we used to, if I put it on Instagram for everyone to see my truth, he would see me again.”
“What you did last night was brave.” Danny smoothed a hand over my head to my back.
“It wasn’t enough.”
“We’ll see. Maybe things’ll get better before the day is over.”
I nodded. It wouldn’t.
Danny walked me to my classes, stayed with me in the first few until I made him leave. He had his own classes to attend, and I was determined to save myself. I finally understood the need to be alone. The solace found when no one was around. But I couldn’t have that. I was after all, the school’s princess and everyone had to talk to me about my poem, about my break up. As if seeing my heart bleeding on the floor wasn’t enough.
When the bell rang for lunch, I didn’t bother going into the cafeteria or sitting at my normal table. Instead, I sought seclusion and headed toward the library. To my relief, there weren’t very many students there.
I dropped into a bean bag and reclined my head back. When my phone vibrated in my hand, I unlocked it. The reaction was instantaneous. My heart beat wildly in my chest and a smile crept over my face.
Roderick liked my post. He read it, hadn’t ignored it, and let me know he liked it.
I hugged the phone to my chest and suppressed a squeal.
Fight for him, that’s what Nicole told me to do. Don’t let fear stop you, that’s what I’d told Gabbie. Despite the fear, I had to do what was most important to me. And Roderick, he was still everything.
Sitting on the floor in my mom’s room, I scrolled through the various pictures of Roderick and me, while my mom painted. It wasn’t a good day, but it wasn’t bad either.
We didn’t talk, but still I enjoyed her company. Although I wished I could speak to her, ask her for her advice.
Once I found the right picture to post, I went to Instagram and added it after tagging Roderick.
The weight of your love
carried me.
The weight of my fears
drowned us.
You’re still my home though.
My truth,
my heart,
and world.
A few spaces beneath the poem, I wrote, “I’m sorry.” And I was. If I hadn’t befriended Jacob and Joseph our freshmen year, if I hadn’t egged on Jacob and then ridiculed him in front of everyone none of this would’ve happened.
While Seth wouldn’t accept my apologies, saying it wasn’t my fault, I knew he was wrong. I was the cause of his assault, just as I was the cause for Roderick’s parents’ grave being vandalized.
It was me. All me, but still I hoped he forgave me.
Waiting to see if I would get a reaction from Roderick, I scrolled through Instagram. A few people had shared my post from yesterday. Nicole had shared the pictures from our visit at the middle school. Seth had posted a picture of him and Sammi.
And then I saw it. Picture after picture of Danny and Ari kissing, leaning onto one another, touching, embracing. It was endless.
While I’d thought about unfollowing Jacob and Joseph from Instagram, I never did. Never made the final leap and now I was able to see them spread malice in other ways. It wasn’t enough that they’d gone after Seth and Roderick. They were bent on hurting me by hurting everyone I loved.
My stomach dropped. Not bothering to say anything to my mom, I left her room and after clicking out of Instagram, I dialed Danny. He didn’t answer so I tried again. This time, he picked up after the second ring.
“Brin?” His voice sounded low.
“Where are you?” I asked.
“I… I’m just walking around.”
“Where?” I asked again. “I’ll come pick you up.”
He stayed quiet for a moment. “I was walking to the cave.”
“Okay.” I pushed out of bed. “I’m on my way.”
I raced out of my house and jumped in my car. It didn’t take me long to reach Danny and when he got in my car, I took him in. His face was beaten, already the red bruises were turning purple while the blood dried on his skin.
“You should see the other guy.” He grinned but it fell just as quickly as it appeared.
Reaching for his hand, I held onto him, needed him to know I was here. He wasn’t alone. I drove us to the cave after making a stop at the gas station where I picked up ice and some first aid stuff. It was dark by the time we made it to the parking lot, but I used the flash light on my phone to guide us.
At the cave, I cleaned up Danny’s face, put antibacterial cream on the open cuts. Once I was done, I patted my lap. He came to me quickly, dropped his head on my lap. While I ran my fingers over his short hair, I held ice over his cheek where the bruise looked the worse.
“Guess my dad didn’t like the pictures on Instagram,” he joked.
Anger surged. I did my best to temper it down, but I felt it brewing, boiling just beneath the surface.
“You’re not going back home,” I said. “No way in hell I’m letting you go live with your dad again.”
He gave a humorless laugh. “Doesn’t matter. He said I couldn’t go back home anyway.”
“Whatever.” It came out bitter. I softened my tone. “You’re coming back with me. I’ll explain it to my dad, he’ll understand.”
From my lap, he met my gaze. Sadness permeated from his face. I wanted to make it better, but didn’t know how.
“He’s cutting me off,” he said. “Not paying for college, not helping me pay for anything. I have no money.” He hesitated. “Even though he never went to my games, I played sports to make him happy and never had time to get a job. What the hell am I supposed to do?”
I touched his cheek, careful not to get near any of the cuts or bruises.
“I have a two bedroom apartment in San Diego.” It wasn’t much of a solution, but it was all I had to offer. “You can live with me after we graduate.”
“I don’t have money to pay rent.”
My dad wouldn’t make him pay anyway.
“We’ll talk to my dad tomorrow morning. He gets off his shift before I go to school.”
“He won’t mind,” I promised.
But he didn’t believe me. I knew my dad though, knew he wouldn’t turn Danny away. Wouldn’t mind him living with us or with me in San Diego. Because my dad? He was a hero.
“Mind if I write something on your wall.”
“Go for it.”
I watched him stroll to the wall, dejection pulling his shoulders down.
“Brin?” He looked over his shoulders to me.
Although I didn’t want to see the wall, see the poems Roderick and I had written to each other, I went to him. Right now, Danny needed me more than I needed to protect my heart.
“Let’s just go.” Danny turned to me quickly, his eyes wide with worry.
I furrowed my forehead and tried to peek around his broad shoulders. “Why? What’s going on?”
“I’m tired,” he said. “My dad beat my ass, and I just want to lie down.”
“Okay.” I took his hand in mine and tugged when he didn’t move.
He raked a hand through his hair and hissed. “I can’t do this.”
He pulled me to him, covered my shoulders with his arm. He stared at the wall so I turned my attention to it.
A gasp spilled from my heart. The wall, it was white. No poems, no marks of Roderick and me. Just white paint.
My bottom lip trembled and I pushed my head to Danny’s side. “He did this.” My voice quaked. “Roderick erased us.”
“I’m sorry, Brin.” Arms that had always been there for me wrapped around me.
I found the greatest love in this cave. I didn’t know it then, but I knew it now. After love, came the greatest sorrow.
I woke up early to read Brinley’s poem again. And again.
She was still my home, my truth, my heart, and my world.
It was a wonder she still loved me though. Still wanted me.
I had to talk to her today. Had to make things right again. I just didn’t know how.
She’d given me the chance to do that when I found her with that prick Ethan trying to hurt her. I should’ve told her everything I felt, everything I still wanted for us.
But fear had a way of twisting my heart against my mind, and I wound up spewing words I didn’t mean.
She was ready to forgive me, that wasn’t the problem. Hell, maybe she’d already forgiven me. It was me who didn’t know how to get past the words I’d flung at her at the cemetery to hurt her the same way Jacob and Joseph had hurt me.
What they did, it wasn’t her fault. She believed it was, thought it to be another one of her truths. When that was the biggest lie.
Or not the biggest. I was the one who’d said the biggest lie when I told her she was a mistake. When I told her she was my lie.
The pain in my chest magnified, and I rubbed where my heart throbbed with intensity. She thought she’d destroyed us, when it was me. All me.
I could make it right though. I had to. Because living this life without her for almost two weeks was unbearable.
As I left my aunt’s house, I sent her a text.
Me: Can we talk at school? Please
She didn’t reply right away like she normally did. By the time I reached our school, she still hadn’t text me back.
I waited for her, sitting on the picnic table beside the parking lot. Even by myself, I knew something was wrong. Around me, everyone talked too loudly, anger and sympathy colored their voices. When one of them mentioned Danny’s name, I again reached for my phone.
Although, I’d kept my distance from the people who had proven to be amazing friends, I only texted with Danny. He was my last tie to Brinley, and I wasn’t ready to give that up.
With my phone in my hand, I sent him a quick text, asking him if he was okay. Just like Brinley, he didn’t answer me.
I couldn’t stay here, not knowing what was going on. Even if I hadn’t been acting like a good friend, that’s exactly what Danny was.
When I reached Danny’s house, I knocked on the door, then rang the doorbell when no one answered. Again, I didn’t get a response.
I sent him another text, and then asked Brinley if she knew if Danny was okay. Not expecting them to reply, I wasn’t surprised when my text remained unanswered by the time I reached Brinley’s house.
I was surprised to see Ari’s car and Seth’s bike parked outside her house. Just as I reached the front steps to her house, the door flew open.
“You!” Brinley screamed. She ran down the steps and shoved my shoulders hard. “How could you do that?” Her voice got louder. “How could you do that to me?” Louder. “How could you do that to us?” Her scream rang in my head, echoed in my chest.
Danny stepped beside her, put an arm over her shoulder. He edged his body in between her and me, a gesture meant to protect her. From me. It was only then that I saw the dark circles that ran under her eyes. The redness of her nose and eyes. The puffiness of her cheeks. The pale pallor of her face.
“Baby, I’m sorry.” I couldn’t stop myself from calling her baby, even though I no longer had a right to. “I was waiting for you at school to talk to you, to apologize. So we could talk.”
“You’re sorry?” she whispered. “I thought you loved me. I thought if I fought hard enough…” She shook her head. “You erased us.”
Sad eyes met mine. I reached for her, and when Danny took a step to the side, I touched her face with my palm. God, I missed her.
“I screwed up,” I said. “I know I did, and baby, you have to know how sorry I am. Please tell me you know how sorry I am. Tell me we’re not over.”
“But,” her bottom lip trembled, “you erased us. You erased everything.”
“What do you mean I erased us?” I trailed my thumb over her cheek. “How did I erase us?”
Her eyes searched mine. I didn’t hold anything back. Not the sorrow of pushing her away, the guilt of hurting her, the fear of losing her, or the loneliness of not having her. It was all there. I showed it to her, hoped she saw it. Saw me.
“Roderick?”
I stepped in to her, waited to see what she would do. She took a step back. Her rejection hurt, left me breathless.
“You were ready to fight for us.” I knew I sounded desperate, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t lose her. The past week had been hell without her. “Your poems, you said you still loved me.”
“I did. I still do but…” she trailed off.
“But what, baby? Tell me what I have to do to fix this.”
“You can’t. Can’t you see, Roderick? Some things can’t be fixed.”
“What happened between yesterday’s poem and today?”
With her head bowed, she shook her head and left me. Danny hung back. I’d forgotten he was there, but of course he was. He was always there for Brinley.
His bruised face mirrored my own sorrow. A good friend would’ve asked him what had happened, asked him how I could help. But all I could think about was Brinley. Getting her to see me, getting her back.
“You like look shit,” I said to him.
His lips twitched. “You look worse.”
Yeah, I probably did.
“What the hell happened, Danny?” My voice sounded as desperate as I felt. “She put up those poems on Instagram, she tagged me on them with pictures of us. I thought I had a chance to make things right.”
“We went to the cave last night.”
I waited for him to continue, but he stayed quiet.
“Okay, you guys went to the cave last night. Then what happened?”
His brows shot up. He winced but quickly covered it up. “You didn’t do it.”
“Didn’t do what?”
A grin took over his face. He grabbed my wrist, dragged me inside her house. Ari and Seth jumped from the couch when they saw me.
“Brinley!” Danny yelled. “Brin!”
“What�
�s wrong?” She stepped out of the kitchen. Her breath caught when she saw me in her living room.
“What’s with all the yelling?” her dad asked, trudging out of his bedroom. I knew he’d gotten off his night shift only a couple hours earlier and felt bad for waking him. “What the hell happened to your face?” he asked Danny.
“Dad found out I was gay, he beat me up.” He waved her dad away.
“What?” her dad roared, veins on his forehead making an appearance.
“Not important,” Danny pushed away his concern and then turned to Brinley. “Roderick didn’t do it.”
Shock made her pretty green eyes widen. Her attention bounced from Danny to me. She wanted to believe him, wasn’t sure if she could.
“What didn’t I do?” I asked.
“Why does my daughter look like she’s been up all night crying?” her dad asked.
“That’s my fault, sir,” I said. “I hurt her. I’ve been hurting her for almost two weeks. I hate how much I’ve been hurting her.”
“Call me sir again, and I’ll come up with a clever punishment as soon as I’m awake to think straight.” He walked to me, put his hands on my shoulders. “What are you going to do to fix whatever’s wrong with you and Brin.”
“Whatever I have to.”
He nodded. When he reached the hallway, he looked back at all of us. “Keep your voices down. Superhero at sleep here. Wait, Danny?” he asked.
Danny shuffled on his feet, waited for her dad to continue.
Phil looked at Danny with a serious expression on his face. “Which is better, Star Wars or Star Trek?”
Danny turned his head in confusion. “Star Trek.”
“Good answer,” her dad said. “The guest room is yours. Brin, use my card to order the man some Star Trek sheets for his bed.”
She smiled. “Thanks, old man.”
I suppressed my own smile when he turned to wink in my direction. He’d asked me the same question, only when I replied, Star Trek wasn’t the right answer.
Brinley’s dad wasn’t conventional, but he was good to his core. He cared about people, just like his daughter did. Now I just had to win her back, fix what she thought wasn’t fixable.