Shallow

by Yessi Smith

  Although lost, she’d found me in the darkness. She’d breathed life back into me.

  I thought I was helping her save herself, when it was Brinley who wound up saving me.

  She was the girl who’d cleaned my clothes and fed me. The girl who’d written to me in the hopes of dragging me out of my loneliness. The girl who’d taken care of me, given me a place where I belonged with friends who’d stayed by my side even when I was wrong.

  She was the girl who’d given me a home.

  He didn’t do it.

  Danny’s words echoed in my hollow chest. I clung to them, needed them to be true.

  “I’m sorry about your face,” Roderick broke the silence. Although he spoke to Danny, he looked at me. Only me. “I’m sorry about your dad, but right now I have to talk to my girl.”

  His girl.

  “If you hurt her again…” Danny said.

  “I’ll give you the knife to stab me,” he finished.

  “Morbid.” Danny grinned. “I like it.”

  Roderick fought back a smile and tilted his head to the hallway. Wringing my hands in front of me, I made my way to my bedroom. I sat on my bed and watched him close my door.

  My sheets and pillows still smelled like him. I’d been too scared to wipe away his scent and lose him entirely to wash them.

  He sat beside me, braced his hands on his bouncing knees.

  “At the gym, you asked me if we were ever going to be okay again.”

  “No,” I said. “You said no.”

  He roughed a hand through his hair and pulled.

  “I didn’t mean it. I haven’t meant anything I’ve said since the day at the cemetery. Brin.” He stopped to clear his throat. “You’re my heart, my home, my truth. You’re my girl. I know I messed up. I told you I’d never hurt you.”

  “My dad said it was an impossible promise to keep.” I didn’t realize the truth behind those words until Roderick broke my heart at the foot of his parents’ grave. “You promised him you’d never hurt me on purpose.”

  “I did that. I hurt you on purpose.” He jumped from my bed, paced in front of me.

  I felt his anguish, his frustrations as if they were my own, but I couldn’t go to him. Because last night, between my fits of crying, I promised Danny I’d start saving myself. Even if it meant saving myself from my own heart.

  “Seeing what Jacob and Joseph did to their headstone, to their grave…” His voice cracked. “It brought everything back. Their death, the loneliness, the way you held onto me, the way you let me go. It was too much, but worse than that was the moment before the chief told me what had happened. When my aunt…” He paused, rubbed the back of his neck while his eyes danced across my face. Dropping to his knees in front of me, he pushed his face on my lap while his hands circled around my waist. “When my aunt came to my door, her eyes red and puffy from crying and told me Bert wanted to speak to me, I thought…” he sucked in a breath, “I thought something had happened to you. I thought my past had repeated itself and taken you from me.” A sob tore through him, and he drew himself closer to me.

  My fingers went to his hair slowly, tentatively.

  “The idea of losing you… it’s too much. It hurts too damn much. So I pushed you away. I used words I didn’t mean to make you leave me.”

  Running my fingers over his face, I touched his cheek, his lips. I traced over his forehead and his eyes, that he kept shut tight. Wanted to smooth the lines from his pinched expression.

  “When I saw you and our friends cleaning up their grave, I can’t tell you what that meant to me,” he said, his voice as pained as his expression. “The love I felt, the loneliness that melted away. It was all because of you.”

  “What Joseph and Jacob did to you, to your parents, was because of me too,” I said.

  His eyes popped open. “It wasn’t,” he said. “I know I said I blamed you, but I didn’t. I don’t. They did that because they wanted to.”

  “They went after you, Seth, and Danny to get back at me.” I wiped my nose on a sniffle, and then went back to petting his hair. “And our wall, that wasn’t you, but another gift to me from them.”

  He looked up at me, his eyes red from the tears he’d spilled. “What happened to our wall?”

  “They erased us.” It came out low, sad. That wall, that cave, it was more than a sanctuary. “They painted over our poems.”

  An angry red spread over his neck to his cheeks. His touch was soft though and when he cupped my cheek, I turned into his hand.

  “You thought I was the one who painted the wall? Over our words?”

  He brushed away a stray tear that fell down my face.

  I nodded.

  “I wouldn’t do that. Baby, that wall means everything to me. You mean everything to me.”

  I felt his words, knew he meant them. Still, I held myself back from him, couldn’t give myself freely back to the boy I loved. Because if he broke me again, I wasn’t sure I wanted to live through it.

  Roderick stayed at my house the rest of the day along with our friends. When they left, Danny and I curled into my bed together and fell asleep watching reruns of the old Star Trek episodes.

  I’d wanted to be there for him, to be the strength he needed, but as usual he was my strength. My foundation. I didn’t know what I’d do without him.

  And I didn’t know what to do about Roderick and me. I wanted to get back with him. It’s what I fought for, why I started posting poems on Instagram and tagged him. But the devastation I felt over our wall was all consuming. Even if he hadn’t been the one to paint over our poems, it was the thought that I’d really lost him that destroyed me.

  “You should post this picture today.” Danny handed me my phone back before he dug in to the scrambled eggs I put in front of him.

  The picture was taken in our cave on Roderick’s birthday. The happiness that emanated from that moment reached into my chest, made my heart beat a steady pace.

  “I wasn’t planning on posting anymore pictures or poems.”

  Danny cocked his head to the side. “Why not?” he asked between mouthfuls of toast.

  “Because…”

  Because we both wanted to be back together but didn’t know how to get there.

  “You’re still fighting for him, and he’s fighting back.” Danny wiped his mouth, stood from his chair and smacked a kiss on top of my head. “Desperately together, right? That’s what you guys say. You guys fight with your words, show him he still has something left to fight for.”

  “I hate how smart you are.” I smirked.

  Danny looked better. It would take time for the bruises to heal, even longer for the scars we couldn’t see to mend.

  “When I called you the other night, I meant to be there for you, not the other way around. But thanks for taking care of me.” I looped my arms around his waist, leaned my head against his shoulder. “Thanks for being my best friend.”

  “We took care of each other.” Another kiss against my hair. “Besides all your crying distracted me from the fact that my dad kicked my ass.”

  He poked my side and I snorted.

  “You’re an idiot,” I said.

  He pulled me back. His expression was serious, his eyes tender. “You took care of me, Brin. You were there for me when I needed you the most. Thank you for being my best friend.”

  I stepped on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek.

  “Nine kids, three cats, fourteen ferrets, and a squirrel monkey, right?” His voice was nothing but a tease.

  “You forgot about the big slobbery dog.” I grinned.

  “Stupid dog. If he chews on my shoes one more time, we’re taking his manhood away,” he teased.

  “He’s already neutered,” I played along.

  “No.” He gasped. “Why would you do that to poor Rufus? Now he’ll never know the pleasures of life.”

  “Rufus is pretty happy just drinking out of the toilet bowl.”

  We continued teasing each other on the drive t
o school. Seth and Ari waited for us on the picnic table under the tree. I looked for Roderick when I stepped out of the passenger side. He either wasn’t here yet or he wasn’t meeting us at our regular morning spot. Maybe he hadn’t meant what he said yesterday. Maybe he did but didn’t want to be seen with me in public.

  “Seth broke up with Sammi,” Ari said as a way of greeting.

  “What?” I pulled Seth into a hug that he returned. “I thought you liked her. Did she hurt you? I swear I’ll…”

  He laughed. “Slow down, Terminator,” he teased. “She didn’t hurt me. I just didn’t want to be with her anymore.”

  “Okay,” I said slowly.

  “How come?” Danny asked.

  “We heard her talking crap about Brin to some of her friends,” Ari answered.

  That stung. I’d liked her, thought she and Seth were good together.

  “Seth went up to her, told her all the reasons why Brin was the better person and broke up with her,” Ari continued.

  “Seth.” I searched his face, looked in his expression for remorse or sadness, but all I saw was Seth smiling back at me. The boy I’d made fun of through the years, the boy who had become one of my closest friends. “You didn’t have to do that.”

  “Of course I did.” He draped a heavy arm over my shoulders, which reminded me he’d been working out with Danny and Ari for a few weeks now. “We’re friends. That’s what friends do for each other.”

  That’s what friends did for each other. It felt good to have friends who looked out for you, who showed up at a moment’s notice to be there for you. For years Danny had been the only one who stood by me. But now I had three, and although I wasn’t sure about Roderick and me, I still felt whole.

  I sat on top of the picnic table with Seth and Danny on either side of me, and Ari sitting between Danny’s legs. Turning my phone over in my hand, I thought of the past year, of my final year in high school. So much had changed. I had changed, or I’d finally flourished into who I truly was. I was proud of the person I’d become, excited to see how else I’d grow.

  “You gonna write to Roderick?” Seth asked, glancing at my phone.

  “Yeah.” I smirked.

  Choosing the same photo Danny told me to post, I went to Instagram and tagged Roderick.

  The broken shards

  shattered quicker

  than I could piece them.

  My universe

  was in chaos

  with false truths

  I believed.

  He bore

  the weight

  of my universe.

  Made it lighter,

  with the most beautiful

  love

  the universe

  has ever seen.

  This time it didn’t take long for Roderick to like my poem after posting it. Just like before, my heart soared that he’d read it, that he’d reacted to it. It was a step forward, a step toward us fighting for each other. Desperately together.

  When the bell rang, I went to homeroom with Danny after saying bye to Ari and Seth. Although I felt bad about Seth breaking up with Sammi because of me, I also felt lighter, freer. Like maybe things might actually work out.

  In homeroom, I kept a good distance from Mariah and the group she hung out with, and stuck next to Danny. Sometimes we talked to other people, but on the days we didn’t I was okay without the noise of extra people. Besides, Danny was enthusiastic enough to keep my mind busy.

  Danny knelt in front of the desk I sat behind. “I was thinking I should go see the counselor to see what I need to do to transfer to a school in San Diego.” He hesitated. “You’re sure you want me to move in with you?”

  I groaned. “Stop making me repeat myself. Of course I want to live with you.”

  “While you were in the shower last night, your dad offered to buy me a Millennium Falcon bed for my room in San Diego.”

  I giggled. “I’m not even surprised. I didn’t even know he liked Star Trek so much.”

  This time, it was Danny’s turn to groan. “Millennium Falcon is not Star Trek,” he corrected. “Get your Star Wars intel straight, little Padawan.” He gasped. “Does this mean he secretly likes Star Wars more than Star Trek?”

  “Probably.”

  “Poor soul.” He shook his head.

  “Whatever. Go see the counselor, get everything set to move to San Diego when we graduate.”

  “What if it’s too late to get into a college over there?” Worry crept into his tone, made the lines around his mouth deepen when he frowned.

  “Then you’ll get in next semester,” I said, rubbing a thumb over the wrinkles on the bridge of his nose. “I’m not starting until summer is over anyway. I wanted to enjoy some time away from school and just lounge on the beach.”

  “That does sound pretty awesome.” He stood, turned toward the door. ”You gonna be alright by yourself?”

  I grinned. “Alone isn’t such a tragedy,” I quoted the first of Roderick’s poem that I had read.

  I read a book until the bell rang, alerting us we should make it to our next class. My phone vibrated with a notification when the teacher started my first period class. I unlocked my phone, hugged it to me when I saw an alert that Roderick had replied to my status. I clicked on it, tried to steady the erratic drum of my heart to no avail.

  You are a heaven

  I would go to hell for.

  The sparkle of fallen stardust

  I would search eternity to find.

  The greatest love

  I dove into.

  The girl who found me in the dark

  And revived me with her light.

  Butterflies took flight, went completely crazy in my stomach. I couldn’t contain my smile, didn’t want to.

  I wished first period would end, so I could see Roderick in our English class. Of course, it dragged on what seemed like forever. But as soon as the bell rang and Danny met me so we could walk together to Mr. Scott’s class, anticipation settled in my gut. Danny’s knowing smile didn’t help, not that I could hold back mine. Anticipation grew when Danny opened the door for me.

  Then… it disappeared.

  In the back of class, sitting in his usual spot was Roderick. He stood from behind his desk when I walked into the room.

  “Hi,” he said.

  “Hi,” I breathed. “I read your poem.”

  He reached for my face and before he could drop his hands to the side, I took hold of his wrist to press a kiss against his palm.

  His lips kicked up in a beautiful smile that wrapped around my soul. “I read yours too.” He paused. “I’ve missed you.” The broken tone that fell from his lips tore into me.

  His body seemed to relax when I stepped into him and hugged my body to his. He circled his arms around me, squeezed me tightly into his embrace.

  It felt good to be in his arms. He felt good, a lot like home.

  “Look at this!” Danny turned his phone to Brinley and me to show us an R2D2 lamp. “This is gonna look so kick ass in my room.”

  “Yeah.” Brinley rolled her eyes. “Along with your Death Star poster, Darth Vader bookshelf, and BB8 lamp.”

  Pride shone behind Danny’s eyes, and he put a hand on our shoulders to stop our hike to the cave. “Look at our girl naming characters we’ve taught her about. All grown up.” He wiped away a pretend tear.

  “How could I forget when you’ve only brought them up a thousand times in like a five-minute time period?” she shot back.

  “It’s your dad’s fault,” he accused. “He shouldn’t have mentioned anything about a Millennium Falcon bed. What kind of bed are you guys gonna get?”

  Silence fell between us. It ran deep into the ground, pummeled through the depths of hell I’d trek to get Brinley back. But we hadn’t talked about whether she still wanted us to live together. And seeing as we’d only sort of been back together since second period, I didn’t want to push her. Or I did, but the familiar hands of fear held me back.

  “
So Ari and Seth are already at our cave?” She tilted her head to the side to look at me.

  Our cave. I loved when she called it that. It was ours. More ours than anyone else’s.

  “Yeah.”

  I’d asked Danny to go ahead with them to get the final touches of my surprise done, but he insisted we needed to get enchiladas to help us recover after such a long hike, and hung back with Brinley and me. In truth, he simply didn’t trust me with Brinley anymore. I didn’t blame him. So, I stayed quiet when he stopped at the Mexican restaurant and came out with the two large bags of food he and I now carried.

  A pretty hue of orange cast over the mouth of our cave, like a final cry before the sun set. Light would fade soon, and although darkness would invade every part of this forest, it wouldn’t reach me. Not anymore. Not after what I’d fought through.

  When we got closer to the cave, I held out my hand to Brinley. With a soft smile, she took it. We walked in together where Seth and Ari watched her carefully to see her reaction.

  “Roderick.” Her eyes danced in wonder as she looked around. “This is incredible.”

  The same lights we used to adorn the walls and low ceilings draped across the spans of our cave. Tea lights flickered everywhere with rose petals spread throughout.

  But it was our wall she had yet to see. Giving her hand a gentle tug, I gestured to it. She pulled her bottom lip in, but nodded.

  She was scared. I knew she was because according to her even if we rewrote our poems, it wouldn’t be the same. Wouldn’t carry the same sentiment.

  Of course she was right, but I hated the idea of our poems no longer coexisting on the cave’s wall that brought us together. So last night, after I left Brinley’s house, I came here. Poured hours into rewriting our poems, including the ones we put up on Instagram. When that wasn’t enough, I walked back to town and bought every single tea light our local drugstore had in stock, along with other things I wanted to do for her. Then this morning before school started, I bought five dozen roses to cover the floor with their petals.

  Even with the lights Ari and Seth had strung up for me, it didn’t feel like enough. Like I’d done enough to be worthy of winning back the girl.