College

by Joshua Piven

  3 Create a protective helmet.

  Stuff crumpled-up newspaper or cardboard inside your hat for cushioning. If you do not have a hat, place an empty popcorn tub or other container over your head.

  4 Move away from the mascots.

  Regardless of whether they are the focus of the riot, both teams’ mascots are especially vulnerable to attack. Stay well clear of either mascot.

  Moving quickly away from the mascots.

  5 Observe movement patterns.

  Most rioters move en masse in a single direction toward a particular object. Determine which way the mob is headed.

  6 Watch for projectiles.

  Bend your knees and keep your head low to avoid flying cans, bottles, pennants, water balloons, rocks, pipes, benches, people, or other objects.

  7 Move sideways through the crowd to the nearest exit.

  Avoid moving forward (toward the center of the riot) or backward (against the surging mob).

  Be Aware

  If you’re the cause of the riot due to your actions as a fan, player, or mascot, ditch your uniform or suit and run.

  HOW TO GET A FREE DRINK WHEN YOU’RE BROKE

  Appeal to your friends’ soft side.

  Tell your friends that you are having your annual “drink-free” night. When they look confused, express mild discomfort and then sheepishly admit you are broke. Your reluctance to take advantage of the situation may result in your friends plying you with free drinks.

  Goad strangers into making you drink.

  Sidle up next to someone, preferably from a boisterous state like Texas. Order water. When he ridicules you, tell him you have never had a drink before. Allow him to goad you into drinking for as long as he is willing to buy. This strategy will also work on someone who is alone and is not particularly attractive.

  Tell a sob story.

  Create a plausible tale of woe. Sit next to a woman with a sympathetic face. Say that you had to put your dog to sleep that day. Reveal that you caught your girlfriend in bed with your roommate. Pepper your story with as many details as possible. Cover your face with your hands. Apologize for being so upset and thank her for being such a good listener. Gratefully accept a drink.

  Plan an accident.

  Ask for a glass of water with a twist of lime. Pick a mark—choose someone with sweeping arm movements—and accidentally bump him with your elbow and spill your drink on yourself. When he offers to get you a new drink, ask for a gin and tonic. You can also set your glass of water near someone’s elbow. When she knocks it over, allow her to replace it.

  Scavenge leftover drinks.

  Drink the half-empty beers or mixed drinks left behind by bargoers. Carry a small spray bottle of disinfectant or soapy water. Spray a napkin and wipe the glass with it. Beware of smokers who leave behind drinks—they often drop butts in their drinks or bottles.

  Gamble.

  Make bets that you know you will win, or perform a surefire bar trick for drinks. Select a mark, preferably someone who has been drinking heavily. You will need a small brandy snifter, an empty glass, and a stemless maraschino cherry.

  • Place the snifter upside down over the cherry.

  • Wager a free drink that you can get the cherry into the empty glass without touching the cherry or empty glass. The cherry can touch only the snifter, which must remain upside down. Squashing the cherry onto the rim is prohibited.

  • When he bets, show him the power of centrifugal force. Hold the base of the snifter and rotate it quickly on the bar top. When the cherry starts spinning inside the glass, lift the snifter off the table. Keep rotating the snifter and hold it over the glass. When you slow your rotation, the cherry will drop into the glass. Collect your free drink.

  Rotate sifter. Lift sifter off the table as the cherry spins. Drop the cherry into the target glass.

  Be Aware

  • Frequent the same bar. Bartenders and waitstaff will get to know you and may occasionally send free drinks your way or let you drink on credit.

  • Skip dinner. The drinks you do get will have more effect on an empty stomach.

  • Frequent happy hours that have two-for-one specials. Other patrons may be willing to give you their “free” drink.

  HOW TO OPEN A BOTTLE WITHOUT AN OPENER

  ANOTHER BOTTLE

  1 Hold the bottle you wish to open upright in your nondominant hand.

  Grip the neck of the target bottle, placing your index finger over the back edge of the cap.

  2 Hold the second bottle horizontally around the label.

  Grip this bottle, the opener, as though shaking hands with the bottle.

  3 Fit the shallow ridge found at midcap of the opener bottle under the bottom edge of the cap of the bottle you wish to open.

  By using this ridge, and not the bottom of the cap, you will not risk opening the second bottle in step 4.

  4 Using the opener bottle as a lever, press down and pry the cap off the target beer bottle.

  5 Enjoy.

  ALTERNATE METHOD:

  Hold both bottles end to end perpendicular to the ground, with the crimped edges of the caps together, locking them in place. Pull. Be careful, however, as either or both bottle caps could come off.

  LIGHTER

  1 Grip the bottle in your nondominant hand.

  Make a fist around the top of the bottle so that your thumb overlaps your index finger and the web between your thumb and index finger sits in the groove under the cap.

  2 Fit the bottom of the lighter under the teeth of the cap.

  Position the lighter so that it rests on the middle knuckle of your index finger.

  3 Press the top of the lighter down and toward the bottle.

  Use the index finger on your dominant hand to provide resistance.

  4 Pry off the cap.

  If necessary, turn the bottle and repeat.

  TABLE EDGE

  1 Put the teeth of the bottle cap against the edge of a table.

  The cap should be on top of the table edge; the bottle should be below the table. Do not attempt on a soft wood or antique table.

  2 Use your fist to hit the bottle.

  The bottle will take a downward trajectory, and the cap will pop off.

  SCREWDRIVER, SPOON, FORK, OR KNIFE

  1 Place the implement under the bottle cap, as high as it will go.

  2 Pry off the cap.

  Slowly go around the cap and lift up each crimped area with the tool, similar to opening a can of paint.

  3 When the cap starts to move, fit the tool higher up under the cap and remove it.

  BELT BUCKLE

  1 Unfasten your belt buckle.

  If your pants are in danger of falling down, sit.

  2 Pull the “tooth” of the buckle to one side.

  3 Fit the cap into the buckle so that one edge is wedged against the buckle.

  4 Pry off.

  Pull the bottle slowly. A quick tug may result in a spill.

  5 Refasten your belt.

  DEADBOLT LOCK

  1 Fit your bottle into the lock.

  Place the head of the bottle into the recession in a doorframe into which a deadbolt slips, so that the cap fits against the notch in the lock’s frame.

  2 Pull up slowly.

  The bottle cap should pop right off.

  FIRE HYDRANT

  1 Look for an arrow on top of the hydrant labeled “open.”

  2 At the end of the arrow, locate the recess between the screw and the nut.

  3 Insert the cap into the recess.

  4 Press down slowly on the bottle until the cap comes off.

  IN-LINE SKATE

  1 Place the cap between the shoe and the blade.

  Hold onto the bottle with your dominant hand. If you are wearing the skate, use the hand opposite the skate to open the bottle.

  2 Pull up slowly on the bottle and pry off.

  Quickly right the bottle to avoid spilling.

  METAL POOL BRIDGE

  1 Hold the
stick of the bridge in one hand and a beer bottle in the other.

  Do not attempt to open over the pool table.

  2 Position the cap inside the opening of the bridge.

  Fit the cap snugly against the edge.

  3 Press down on the bottle.

  Slowly increase the pressure until the cap loosens. Right the bottle immediately to prevent spillage.

  VENDING MACHINE

  1 Locate a newspaper, snack, or soda vending machine.

  An older soda machine might actually have a bottle opener.

  2 Place the cap in the coin return.

  Wedge the cap against the top of the opening.

  3 Press down slowly until the cap is removed.

  Be Aware

  Never drink from a bottle with broken or chipped glass.

  HOW TO CHILL BEVERAGES WITHOUT A REFRIGERATOR

  INDOORS

  Make your own cooler.

  Fill a washing machine, bathtub, or sink with ice for an instant cooler. Drain the water when it warms and add more ice. For faster cooling, twirl the bottles in the ice. Guard these locations if they are in shared or public areas.

  Use a toilet tank.

  The water in the tank is usually cool. Place sealed bottles and cans in the tank. Thoroughly wash and rinse the bottle before drinking.

  Use a soda machine.

  Stick a bottle of wine up the ramp of a soda machine. Guard it well.

  Use an aerosol “keyboard duster.”

  Turn the can upside down and spray it around the bottle from about six inches away. The cold air under pressure will come out more quickly, slightly chilling the beverage.

  Hang a bucket with brevages outside window.

  OUTDOORS

  Use the weather.

  If the weather is cold, rainy, or snowy, place the beverages on your windowsill or hang a bucket or shelf from your window to store beverages outside. Do not leave drinks outside for more than an hour on very cold days, or you run the risk of freezing them. Do not hang drinks outside the window if you live on the first floor unless you are able to guard them constantly.

  • BUCKET METHOD: Tie a square knot to fasten one end of a rope to the handle of a bucket; secure the other end of the rope to your desk or another sturdy, immovable object. Dangle the bucket outside the window. Make sure the bucket is not overloaded, or the bucket or bottles may fall and seriously injure a passerby below. Do not fill the bucket with water; the cold air will cool the bottles enough.

  • SHELF METHOD: Use a plank and knot a rope around each end. Lower the shelf out your window so that it is level and within arm’s reach. Tie securely to sturdy objects inside the room. Place your bottles carefully on the shelf and hang it out the window. Note: Do not use this method on especially windy days.

  Stow bottles and cans in a fountain.

  Chilling your beverages in public places can result in theft or unwanted attention from authorities, so store your beverages in a less-trafficked location.

  Ask an ice cream vendor to chill your bottle.

  Ask a friendly looking vendor with an ice-cream or food cart to store your beverage in his cooler or refrigerator. Make sure you know his route if he moves around campus so you can retrieve it when it is needed. Do not entrust beverages to a vendor in a motorized vehicle.

  HOW TO DEAL WITH “THE SPINS”

  1 Focus your gaze on a stationary object in the room.

  Keep your eyes open. Avoid looking at ceiling fans. Stare at the object for one minute.

  2 Close your eyes.

  3 Picture the object you were looking at.

  Imagine that the object is imprinted on the inside of your eyelids.

  4 Open your eyes.

  If the spinning returns, stare at your object for one minute.

  5 Close your eyes.

  Repeat steps 3 and 4.

  6 Repeat steps 3, 4, and 5 until the spinning stops or you pass out.

  Be Aware

  • The spins usually occur when your eyes are closed. Watch television, go out for some air, or eat a meal—anything to stay awake and keep your eyes open until you sober up.

  Stare at a fixed object.

  • Eating reduces drinking-related sickness by reducing the speed at which alcohol in the stomach is absorbed into the bloodstream. Eat before drinking: Once you have the spins, it is too late.

  • Alcohol is a diuretic and dehydrates. After drinking, replace lost fluid, vitamins, and electrolytes by consuming sports drinks. Avoid drinking excessive amounts of plain water, which will dilute the sodium concentration in the body.

  HOW TO VOMIT CORRECTLY

  1 Be prepared.

  Vomiting may be preceded by sweating, nausea, gagging, increased saliva, or the sensation of swelling under the tongue.

  2 Move quickly.

  Get to a quiet bathroom or a private area with an appropriate receptacle, such as a toilet, trash can, or metal bowl. If outdoors, look for an area secluded by trees or bushes. Avoid public spaces.

  3 Remove necktie or necklace.

  4 Open collar.

  Unbutton your shirt at least two buttons and pull the sides apart. If you are wearing a pullover, remove it completely, if time permits. Tie back long hair.

  5 Relax.

  Do not resist.

  6 Target a destination.

  Vomit into the receptacle. If vomiting into a toilet, grip the sides for support.

  7 Wait.

  The first bout of vomiting may not be the last. Wait several minutes to make sure you remain in control.

  8 Clean up.

  Wash your hands and face, rinse out your mouth, and brush your teeth.

  9 Return to the party.

  HOW TO DEAL WITH THE AFTERMATH OF A WILD PARTY

  HOLE IN THE WALL

  1 Hide it.

  If the hole is above waist height, hang a poster or other wall decoration over the hole. If the hole is below waist height, move a sofa or easy chair from another location and place it in front of the hole. Sweep or vacuum the floor where the furniture was previously located, or its absence will be obvious.

  2 Make faux-Spackle.

  Slowly mix flour and water together until they form a thick paste, or use white toothpaste for a quick fix.

  3 Fill the hole.

  Using a butter knife or your fingers, fill the hole with the mixture. For very large holes, first fill the cavity with crumpled newspaper. Make sure the paste completely covers the hole and extends onto the wall around it. Spread paste evenly and remove clumps.

  4 Allow to dry.

  Wait at least 30 minutes, or until the paste hardens.

  5 Sand.

  Using fine-grain sandpaper, sand the wall until it is smooth. Paint if necessary.

  6 Camouflage the fix.

  If the wall color was not white originally, use a suitable Magic Marker or nail polish to conceal your repair.

  Be Aware

  Repairing large broken sections (bigger than fist-size) may require extensive sawing of the cracked drywall and patching with drywall and/or chicken wire, which is a difficult, time-consuming process. For holes of this size, cover the affected area with a piece of furniture until professional repairs can be made or you move out.

  BROKEN WINDOW

  1 Secure the remaining glass.

  Stripe duct tape diagonally across pane to help prevent further breakage.

  2 Patch the hole.

  Use cardboard to cover the hole, securing it with more duct tape.

  3 Pull down the shade or close the curtains.

  Be Aware

  • If you are expecting to have a particularly raucous party, striping windows with tape beforehand can minimize damage.

  • Other things that can be fixed with duct tape include torn upholstery, plates and mugs (but do not put in dishwasher), pole lamps, putters, vases, end tables, and small goldfish bowls.

  RED WINE SPILL

  1 Blot rug or carpet immediately.

  Use an absorbent cloth (like
an old T-shirt) to soak up as much of the stain as possible. Do not rub the stain, as you will push the wine further into the carpet.

  2 Saturate.

  Pour large amounts of club soda or cold water on the stain and surrounding area. White wine is also an effective stain remover, but pouring good wine on the carpet is wasteful.

  3 Repeat.

  Reiterate steps 1 and 2 several times until the stain disappears. If the stain remains but is no longer being transferred to the cloth, stop blotting and saturating.

  4 Make a stain removal paste.

  If stain persists, make a paste of 3 tablespoons of borax or baking soda and 1 tablespoon of water.

  5 Rub the paste onto the stain.

  Use an old toothbrush or a spoon. Allow the paste to dry.

  6 Vacuum.

  7 Repeat steps 4 through 6 until the stain is no longer visible.

  If the stain still remains, treat with a commercial carpet spotter.

  WAX ON CARPET

  1 Allow to dry.

  Do not attempt to remove the wax while it is still hot.

  2 Place an ice cube on the wax.

  Hold the ice in place for 30 seconds or until the wax hardens completely.

  3 Break and scrape.

  Gently break apart the wax with your fingers until you have a pile of loose shavings. Scrape as much wax as possible off the carpet with a spoon or dull knife.

  4 Vacuum.

  5 Iron.

  If wax still remains, place a clean cloth or paper bag over the wax. Slowly move a warm iron across the cloth or bag. The wax will melt and adhere to the warm surface of the cloth/bag. Rotate the cloth/bag as the wax is absorbed so you are always ironing on a clean section.