College

by Joshua Piven

  6 Vacuum.

  If wax remains, use a commercial carpet cleaner to remove remnants.

  SPILL ON KEYBOARD

  1 Unplug the keyboard.

  Do not turn on the computer.

  2 Place the keyboard upside down on an absorbent cloth.

  3 Leave overnight.

  4 Dry.

  Using a can of compressed air or a blow-dryer, thoroughly dry keyboard, making sure no wet or damp areas remain.

  5 Test.

  Plug the keyboard into an older computer or one without critical files, if available. Turn on the computer. If the keyboard is recognized and the computer works properly, it is safe to plug the keyboard into your main system.

  Be Aware

  • Powering up a computer with a wet keyboard can result in an electrical short circuit, which damages the entire system.

  • For laptop computers, keep the system off and follow steps 2 through 5. If you are not sure the keyboard is completely dry, send the unit out for repair before turning it on.

  • Highly acidic drinks like coffee and tea or sugary beverages like hot chocolate and soda may cause electrical parts to corrode if the spill is not properly cleaned.

  HOW TO SURVIVE INITIATION NIGHT

  SWALLOWING SOMETHING GROSS

  1 Control your breathing.

  Take deep breaths and exhale slowly. Ignore others who are attempting to eat the item, especially if they are gagging or vomiting. Remember, it will go down in a second.

  2 Center yourself.

  Visualize yourself lying on a beach, sipping a cool drink, or strolling by a breezy lake.

  3 Numb your tongue.

  Apply ice or an over-the-counter oral numbing agent to your tongue. You will temporarily lose feeling but not your sense of taste.

  4 Breathe through your mouth.

  You can reduce any bad taste by breathing through your mouth, not your nose.

  5 Move the object to the back of your tongue.

  Taste buds on the front and sides of the tongue are most sensitive. Quickly push the object as far back on your tongue as you can.

  6 Swallow.

  Use one quick gulp. Do not chew.

  GETTING PADDLED

  1 Wear several pairs of underwear.

  Underwear will reduce pain if you are required to lower your pants. Consider wearing flannel boxers. Avoid thongs.

  2 Wear thick pants.

  Put on bulky trousers, not shorts. Avoid corduroy, which may leave paddle lines.

  3 Do not bend all the way forward.

  Bending fully forward will tightly stretch your gluteus maximus, creating a less-forgiving surface and reducing your body’s natural padding. Try to remain upright, or bend only slightly.

  4 Exhale.

  Inhale deeply, then exhale as the paddle connects.

  ENDURING PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE

  1 Do not show weakness.

  Your tormentors will look for weak individuals, focus on them, and exploit their fears. Resist the urge to burst into tears, beg for mercy, flee, or bond with your tormentors.

  Be prepared to swallow anything. Wear several pairs of underwear. Visualize yourself in a pleasent place.

  2 Live in the moment.

  Do not worry about what comes next. Do not dwell on what just passed. Deal with each horror on its own terms, as it happens.

  3 Keep your mind occupied.

  You may be isolated from the group, kept awake for several days, or seemingly singled out for special treatment. In such situations, keep your brain active by recalling the lyrics of all the songs you know, remembering pleasurable experiences, or focusing on the goal of joining the group.

  HOW TO SURVIVE A NIGHT IN JAIL

  1 Request a single.

  If you notice an empty cell, ask to be housed there. Do not offer special reasons for wanting a private cell—those factors may work against you if you are later placed in a group cell.

  2 Do not show fear.

  Fear means weakness in jail. If you cannot stop shaking, pretend you are psychologically unsound: Wave your arms around, babble nonsense, and yell at no one in particular.

  Relax hand a roll finger to make a clean print.

  3 Stay within sight of the guard.

  The cell may be monitored in person by a guard or via closed-circuit television. Make sure you remain visible.

  4 Do not sleep.

  Lying down on a bench or cot gives other inmates the opportunity to claim that you are lying on “their” bunk. Sit on the floor with your back to the wall, preferably in a corner of the cell. Do not remove any clothing to use as a blanket or pillow, or you will risk losing the item to other inmates.

  5 Keep to yourself.

  Do not start a conversation with anyone, but do not be rude. Answer any questions you are asked, and keep your responses short. Do not talk about the reason for your arrest, as there may be police informants in the cell. Do not make eye contact with other inmates, but do not avert your eyes.

  6 Do not accept favors.

  Other inmates may offer to help you in various ways, then claim that you “owe” them. Resist the temptation to ask for or accept help.

  7 Do not tell anyone you are a college student.

  The population of the cell may make various assumptions about the privileges, wealth, health, preferences, defenselessness, connections, and value of students.

  8 Do not try to escape.

  CHAPTER 4

  CLASS SURVIVAL

  HOW TO SURVIVE WHEN YOU’RE CALLED ON AND DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER

  Stall for time.

  Repeat the question aloud. Very slowly, say, “So [deep breath], essentially [deep breath], what you are [clear throat] asking me is . . .” This will buy you a few extra seconds to create a suitable response.

  Redirect.

  If you’ve done the reading but simply don’t know a particular answer, steer the subject to a more familiar topic. Say, “That’s an interesting question that leads me to the essential part of last night’s reading . . .”

  Discuss another subject.

  Answer confidently. Act like you are convinced that you know the right answer. Make eye contact with the professor as you expound on the topic of your choice.

  Quote the book.

  Flip open the book and begin to scan the pages. Say, “I really couldn’t say this any better than the author— I remember a quote in here somewhere; give me a moment to find it. . . .” After a silent moment or two, the professor will move on to another student. Have a passage ready to read in case the professor returns to you for your answer.

  Feign choking.

  Begin coughing vigorously and point to your mouth. Wheeze for greater effect. After a few seconds of a coughing fit, say you need to leave to get a drink of water. Come back only when you are sure the topic has changed.

  Be honest.

  Since some professors appreciate honesty, consider admitting that you do not know the answer, but be prepared for an embarrassing public rebuke.

  Be Aware

  • If you are not prepared for class, do not wear a big floppy hat, dress in bright colors, or do anything to draw the professor’s eye. Do not make eye contact with the professor. If possible, sit behind a tall student to help conceal your presence.

  • Read the introduction and conclusion of an assignment to gain enough basic information to bluff your way through an unexpected question.

  HOW TO WRITE A LAST-MINUTE PAPER

  Reduce, reuse, and recycle.

  Reduce your study time, reuse old texts, and recycle old ideas. Select a topic or thesis that you have written on before in a different class. You already know the material, and you can lift particularly strong points or written passages.

  Write an outline.

  Figure out your main thesis and write down all the points you will use to support your main idea. Refer to this while you are writing your paper; it will help you stay on theme and maximize your time.

  Know your professor
.

  Make your essay fit a professor’s personality or agenda. Do not write on a topic in which she is a specialist. She will see the flaws or shortcomings in your argument immediately.

  Focus on what you know.

  Write on an issue about which you are passionate. You will write more quickly and easily and in a persuasive and compelling manner.

  Manipulate the formatting.

  Increase the leading (the space between each line of text), point size (the size of the type), and margins. Select a font that is large to begin with. These visual tools will make your essay look longer. Do not go overboard: Using 18-point type is an immediate giveaway that you are fudging the length of the paper.

  Be Aware

  Take interrelated courses or a general and a specific course on the same subject. If you have taken a Shakespeare class, take an Elizabethan history course. This will cut down on studying multiple material.

  HOW TO CRAM FOR A TEST

  Pull in outside material.

  Read condensed or simplified versions of the course material. Dig up old textbooks or material from previous classes. Take advantage of study guides, whether published online or photocopied from previous classes. If you are in an English class, watch the movie adaptation of a required book or play. Check the description of a work on literary websites.

  Skim reading material.

  Read the first and last sentence of paragraphs. Read the book jacket, introduction, conclusion, table of contents, and glossary.

  Seek out other students.

  Ask someone from class if you can photocopy his notes. Also ask what he considers the main points to study. If he’s been paying attention in class, he will have a good idea of what will be on the exam.

  Review exams from previous courses taught by your professor.

  Check your campus and dorm libraries; they often keep old exam files on hand.

  Find a quiet place to study.

  Seek out a well-lit empty classroom, coffee shop, or quiet area of the library. Avoid studying in your dorm room or apartment; there are too many distractions. If you can find a friend to study with, bring him along. You can quiz each other periodically and keep each other’s spirits up. Bring caffeinated drinks, snacks, gum, and anything else you might need to stay alert. You do not want to be distracted by hunger.

  Maintain your normal routine.

  If you normally eat breakfast, eat something before the exam. Practice “state-dependent” learning—if you drink coffee while studying, drink coffee during or right before your exam. If you chew gum while memorizing slides, chew gum during a test.

  Be prepared.

  Wear comfortable clothes in layers in the event that the lecture hall or classroom is too hot or cold. You do not want your external surroundings to distract you. If you work better in complete silence, bring earplugs. Bring extra pens, pencils, and blue books.

  Use every minute before your test.

  Review your notes or texts up to the moment your exam begins. Information you most recently reviewed will be uppermost in your mind during the exam; this is called the “recency effect.” You are likely to recall specific details that you can effectively incorporate in an essay.

  Do not discuss the subject as you enter the examination room.

  Last-minute discussions about content or people’s panicked questions can be confusing and misleading. You’ve done all you can—stay focused.

  HOW TO SLEEP IN THE LIBRARY

  Find the right location.

  Look for a spot that is not heavily trafficked. Well-heated, dimly lit rooms with small cubicles or carrels near deserted stacks are ideal locations.

  Sleep on the desk.

  Spread a long coat or blanket, yoga mat, or crumpled-up newspaper on the desk to cushion the surface. Ball up a sweater or sweatshirt to use as a pillow. Assume the fetal position and tuck yourself into the space.

  Use clothing as a pillow and assume fetal position.

  Build a sleepchamber.

  Build a sleepchamber under a carrel.

  Drape coats, sweatshirts, and sweaters over the desk to block the view and the light. Crawl under the desk, taking water, snacks, a small pillow, and other provisions. Create a wall around you by piling up books. Set an alarm clock if you have a class or meeting later in the day.

  Create a bed out of chairs.

  Put two chairs together. Lay fabric or paper between your skin and the chairs’ vinyl or wooden seats; the seat of a chair is a breeding ground for microbes.

  Be Aware

  • Protect your belongings. Conceal your wallet on your person. Leave your laptop at home.

  • To avoid getting stiff, regularly stretch your legs and arms when you awaken. Roll onto your back and raise your arms and legs toward the ceiling. Flex and point your feet several times. Repeatedly bend your knees and straighten your legs. Shake out your arms. Shift position by rolling on your back to your other side, keeping legs bent.

  HOW TO HOOK UP IN THE LIBRARY

  1 Scout out a suitable makeout location.

  Look for dim lighting and empty aisles in the stacks on a higher floor. Avoid areas near doors, entrances, main aisles, and passenger elevators. Library carrels, stairwells, and freight elevators in out-of-the-way locations are also good options. The oversized book collection features large tables and big, bulky volumes that allow for privacy. Determine less-traveled areas by reviewing the Dewey Decimal System. Sections that begin with the call numbers below are most likely to be quiet:

  090 Manuscripts and book rarities

  110 Metaphysics

  170 Ethics (moral philosophy)

  210 Natural religion

  480 Hellenic; Classic Greek

  510 Mathematics

  670 Manufactures

  707 Antiques and collectibles

  930 General history of the ancient world

  Sections with the following call numbers offer more risky locations but may provide some inspiration and atmosphere for the hook-up:

  440 Romance languages, French

  577 Pure science: General nature of life

  618 Gynecology and other medical specialties

  757 Painting: Human figures and their parts

  770 Photography and photographs

  811 Poetry

  2 Time your rendezvous.

  Select a time when your designated location will be deserted.

  3 Meet at a predetermined location.

  Pass a note to your hook-up target with a time and location. Indicate a specific Dewey Decimal section for the rendezvous.

  Be Aware

  Be respectful of the books. Do not damage or misuse them.

  HOW TO PULL AN ALL-NIGHTER

  Eat a light dinner.

  Do not skip a meal, but do not eat to the point of drowsiness or sluggishness. Select foods with protein, like chicken breast, and complex carbohydrates, such as whole-wheat bread, brown rice, or beans, to provide you with energy and stamina for a long night. Later, when you feel your energy ebb, eat an energy bar.

  Consume peppermint.

  Peppermint is a stimulant; even a whiff of it will make you more alert and awake. Eat peppermint candy, chew peppermint gum, or drink peppermint-flavored herbal tea. Rub peppermint oil on your temples or wrists.

  Turn on the radio or television.

  A bit of white noise in the background will engage your senses. Select a classical or jazz station on the radio. If you turn on the television, turn to an infomercial or shopping channel. Keep the volume low. Do not select a rerun of your favorite situation comedy or anything you might otherwise be interested in.

  Turn on a strong overhead light.

  A bright light will help you see what you are reading as well as prevent you from falling into a deep sleep. Close the curtains and put clocks out of sight; your body will become confused as to what time of night it is.

  Turn down the thermostat.

  The cold temperature will help keep you awake. Make sure the temperature doe
s not dip below 50ºF, at which you are susceptible to hypothermia, especially if you have wet hair or skin. A high temperature slows your pulse and makes you drowsy.

  Do not lie down.

  Pinch yourself or wear tight shoes and constricting underwear. Physical discomfort will keep you distracted and awake.

  Consume caffeine.

  Drink caffeinated beverages or eat a few caffeinated mints, but proceed with caution: Too much caffeine can leave you distracted and wired. Three hundred milligrams is considered a safe daily amount of caffeine for adults, which translates into a six-pack of soda or three to four cups of brewed coffee.

  Breathe deeply.

  Go to an open window or step outside for a few minutes. Stand up straight, close your eyes, and inhale deeply through your nose. Hold the breath for as long as you can. Exhale slowly through your nose or mouth. Repeat several times. Deep breathing will clear your mind and give you a shot of energy.

  Stretch.

  Stretch your limbs by taking a walk or doing a few yoga poses. This will work out any tension you are holding in your muscles.

  • Lift your arms over your head and reach for the sky, alternating arms.

  • Lean over to each side and then lean forward from the waist, bringing your arms out in front of you and down to the ground.

  • Let your arms dangle; swing them from side to side.

  Do a headstand.

  Increase your circulation by standing on your head.

  • Find an area of clear floor space next to a wall.

  • Kneel on the floor, facing the wall.

  • Place your head on the floor a few inches from the wall.