Songbird Caged

by Lisa Edward

  I needed closure.

  I had finally accepted that Riley was gone and was never coming back, but there was no hard evidence, so no funeral or memorial planned. No way to say my final goodbye.

  I walked down the busy street, past cafes and bars, on autopilot to the beach. The sun was beginning to set, and it reminded me of a time when Riley and I had sat on the beach, side by side, and watched the sky as it had changed from clear blue to hues of purple and red and orange.

  I automatically turned the corner, and before realising it, was outside Cole’s building.

  Phil, the doorman, must have seen me hesitate. He opened the door for me with a smile, but I shook my head, instead choosing to cross the road, and sit down on the sand.

  “Do you need some company?” An all-too-familiar deep, gravelly voice asked. “I don’t want to interrupt.”

  I didn’t want company. I wanted to be alone.

  “What are you doing down here?” I asked instead.

  “Phil called me, said you were going to come in but changed your mind.” He knelt down on the sand beside me. “He said you looked upset, so …” He held his hands out to the side as if to say so here I am. “Are you okay?”

  I tried to smile, but failed. “No, but I will be.” I ran my fingers through the sand, making a wavy pattern. “I came over to say goodbye to Riley.” I could feel tears prickling in my eyes again at the thought of it.

  I turned to look at him. “I need closure, before I can … move on.”

  He nodded his understanding. “I’ll give you some space.” He stood up. “I’ll just be over there if you need me.”

  He took half a dozen steps away from me, and then sat himself back down with his arms hooked around his knees.

  I felt a bit silly talking out loud when I was on my own, like some crazy person. But I wasn’t really alone. I knew that Riley would be there with me, and I needed to talk to him one last time.

  I took a deep calming breath, then exhaled slowly. “Hi Riley, I miss you.” I bit my lip to stop it from trembling; I needed to get through this. “So, um … I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that you’re gone, but it’s really hard, ‘cause I don’t want to believe that you’re never coming back.”

  I choked back a sob, and wiped my eyes.

  “I know we both made promises to each other, and we both tried to keep those promises. I know you would have done everything you could to find your way back to me, and I just want you to know it’s okay. I don’t want you to feel bad, or feel that you’ve let me down. I’m the one who let you down.”

  I dropped my face into my hands, unable to hold back the flood of tears.

  I tried to regain my composure, needing to finish this. “But despite what happened with Cole, I want you to know that I love you, and I always will. You did so much for me. You helped me find myself again, and believe in myself, and I couldn’t have asked for a better boyfriend. You meant everything to me, and you will always have a special place in my heart.”

  I took a deep breath. “But I have to let you go. I have to say goodbye, and I hope you can understand and forgive me. I know you said you want me to live my life and be happy, and I know that you never liked Cole, but he does make me happy.”

  I took a sneaky look over at Cole. He was watching me, and smiled when he saw me turn towards him. I wondered if he could hear me, hear what I was saying to Riley. I guess it didn’t matter either way.

  “So I am asking for your blessing. I hope wherever you are, you are at peace and you are happy, and you are with your mum again. And that you know how much you were loved.”

  Feeling people walk up behind me, I turned to see Jason, Marcus, Nicole and Jay approaching. I glanced over at Cole. He was standing, and coming towards me as well.

  Jason was the first to pull me into a hug. “Cole sent us a message. We’d like to say goodbye, too.”

  I buried my face in Jason’s chest, fighting back the tears. Of course they would want to say goodbye to Riley. He was a part of their lives, too. We stood in a makeshift circle, facing each other, every one of us with tears in our eyes.

  Nicole took my hand. “I didn’t know Riley, although I’ve heard a lot about him. But I just wanted to say that the job he chose to do, to defend our country and our people, even those he had never met, was admirable. Our soldiers don’t get enough credit for putting their lives on the line, and they certainly don’t get enough thanks. So I would just like to say, thank you, Riley.”

  Jason couldn’t control his tears. He looked at me apologetically, but I knew exactly how he felt. “All I can say is, he was a funny, witty, gentle soul who didn’t deserve to go so soon. He had so much life left to live.”

  Cole decided he wanted to say something, which surprised me. They had never really gotten on. “I never really liked Riley much.” He looked at my shocked face. “But I respected him. I know he loved you completely, Tara, and you loved him—” He shrugged.”—which is probably why I didn’t like him. But he was a stand-up guy, and he was worthy of your love, which is saying something, because your love is something worth fighting for.”

  It was my turn. Even though I had said my private farewell, I wanted to say something in the group.

  I cleared my throat. “Riley had two tattoos. The first one was Give me Strength when I’m standing, and Faith when I fall. He once told me that you need strength when you are standing toe-to-toe with the enemy, and faith that you can get back up in the face of defeat. But also, we need faith that we are doing the right thing, and making the right decisions in life, even when the right thing is sometimes the hardest.

  “The second tattoo was my name. He said it was the name of the only girl he had ever loved.

  “As hard as this is, I believe it’s the right thing to do. It’s time to let you go, Riley. I hope you know that I loved you with all my heart, and I was lucky to have met you, and to be loved by you. I hope you are at peace.

  “I will always love you.”

  I HADN’T had a night out in a while, and was looking forward to having a few drinks and a dance with Nicole.

  To help get me in the mood, I turned up a dance mix CD and bopped around the apartment as I got ready. I’d decided to go all out, wearing a little red sleeveless dress, and my favourite silver wedge-sandals. I’d curled my hair so it was bouncy, and outlined my eyes in black kohl. I looked at my jewellery. I always wore my Tiffany & Co charm bracelet from Riley, and I slipped on my engagement ring. As much as I had said my goodbyes to Riley, I still couldn’t bring myself to stop wearing his ring.

  Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I forced a smile. I needed to get out of this funk I was in; it had gone on for long enough. I would miss Riley until the day I died, but he was gone now. I had theoretically closed that chapter of my life, and was looking to the future. Cole had given me the space I had asked for, and I appreciated that more than I could ever say, but tonight I needed to make my feelings known so we could move forward—together.

  Nicole was already at Songbirds when I arrived. We hadn’t decided yet just which club we would go to, but I knew where I wanted to go—Ice Pick. It had the club downstairs, but for me the attraction was upstairs. It was Friday night, which meant The Sons would be playing.

  I suggested Ice Pick to Nicole, and she agreed, knowingly. “If you wanted to go see Cole, you should have just said so. I’m all for you two getting together, you know that.”

  I blushed. She had been on Team Cole since we’d met, and had apparently had several chats with Cole about me, although she would never tell me what was actually discussed.

  “Okay.” I laughed. “So it’s settled, let’s go see Cole.”

  We decided to have a dance downstairs before going upstairs to the band. Nicole and I both loved to lose ourselves in the music, so by the time we left the dance floor we were ready to sit down and have a few drinks.

  “Let’s go over to see the guys,” Nicole said, pulling me by the hand towards the band’s table.<
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  I pulled back in the opposite direction, wanting to sit back and observe for once, just to see how Cole would interact with the crowd when he didn’t know I was watching.

  The band took to the stage, and the usual herd of groupies clamoured to get the front position. Cole reached out to them, touching their hands, his sexy-as-hell smile making them squeal as he made eye contact with each one.

  I hated watching the way the groupies threw themselves at him. I had even seen, on more than one occasion, different girls lift their tops and flash at him. It made my stomach churn, but it also made me question whether I could be with someone who was forever going to have temptation thrust in his face.

  The make-out song was up next, and I cringed. I had managed to avoid watching every time the song was played at Songbirds, always finding something to do in the back room or upstairs at Reds. I just didn’t need to watch Cole rubbing up against random girls and kissing them.

  He had told me once that he didn’t kiss anymore. Well, let’s just watch and find out.

  The music started, and Cole pulled someone up on stage.

  She ran her hands over his chest—he stepped back. That was different.

  She touched his arms, running her fingers over his tattoo. My blood started to boil, until he took hold of her hands in one of his, so she couldn’t touch him.

  I looked at Nicole to see if she looked as puzzled as I felt, but she was just enjoying the music along with everyone else.

  The girl got her hands free and flung them around Cole’s neck. He turned her around so he was behind her, just wrapping one arm loosely around her waist as he sang. That was definitely not how I remembered the show going.

  At the end of the song, I started to look away. This was the point where Cole always kissed the girl, quite often making her dizzy and disorientated.

  He leaned in, and I covered my face, but Nicole grabbed my hand away. Cole was leaning in towards the girl, but he wasn’t aiming for her lips. He gave her a gentle peck on the cheek, and then ushered her off the stage.

  I looked at Nicole questioningly. “What was that about? What happened to the kiss?”

  She looked at me with a knowing grin. “He hasn’t been kissing the girls for ages, so you don’t have to hide upstairs at Reds anymore.”

  I smiled, and she raised her eyebrows at me. “Didn’t you know?”

  Shaking my head, I picked up my phone and sent him a text. I didn’t know if he had his phone on him, but he would get the message eventually.

  What, no tongue?

  He had just stepped up to the microphone to start singing when he reached into his back pocket and pulled out the phone.

  He checked the number then opened the message, a wide grin spreading over his face as he read it. He looked around the room. From the message I’d sent, he knew I was watching him.

  Our eyes met, and he smiled broadly at me before looking back down at the phone to type out a quick reply.

  Saving tongue 4 U. Anywhere U want it. Do U want it?

  He pressed send, then looked back up at me as my phone beeped. I opened it, and felt the heat in my cheeks rise.

  Nicole grabbed the phone out of my hand before I had a chance to stop her. She read the message, and burst out laughing before passing it back to me. Now my cheeks were burning, as everyone in the bar followed Cole’s gaze towards me.

  I didn’t know how to respond to that. Should I write back Yes, please?

  Instead I just wrote;

  Anywhere & everywhere

  He grinned again, his eyes flicking up at me momentarily.

  The crowd were watching us like they were at a tennis match.

  My phone beeped again.

  2nite? My place?

  I looked back up. He was biting his lip, waiting for my response. So was everyone else in the bar. It felt like there were one thousand eyes watching me.

  Nodding my head, I smiled shyly.

  There were whistles and a few cheers from the crowd as Cole beamed at me. They didn’t know what had been ‘discussed’ between us, but they knew that whatever it was, I had just agreed to it.

  We joined the band at their table at the end of the set. Cole engulfed me in his arms, holding me tight. He nuzzled his face into my hair, and I melted into his chest.

  “I can’t believe you said yes,” he whispered in my ear. “I’ve waited so long for you.”

  There was a burst of laughter from one of the tables across the bar. I turned, still smiling from Cole’s last comment, and was confronted with four guys dressed in camouflage uniform, obviously soldiers out on the town for a few drinks.

  My stomach dropped.

  From this distance and in this lighting, one of them looked remarkably like Riley from the side. I strained to see his face, subconsciously pushing Cole’s arms away from me.

  I knew it wasn’t him, but I could feel tears sting my eyes as memories of Riley’s smiling eyes came flooding back.

  Cole’s body slumped and I forced myself to look into his eyes.

  “It’s not happening tonight, is it?” he said.

  He searched my face, confusion written all over his.

  “One of those soldiers looked like …”

  I didn’t need to finish the sentence. As soon as I mentioned soldiers, Cole’s jaw clenched, and he looked away.

  He exhaled heavily. “Is he always going to come between us? He’s gone, Tara, you have to let him go.”

  I glared at him. I couldn’t believe he was being so insensitive. Yes, Riley was gone, but that didn’t mean I could just forget him.

  “Maybe I’m not ready to let him go. Maybe I’ll never be ready,” I said, a little more sharply than I’d meant to, but I was determined to hold my ground.

  “Have it your way, Tara, but I’m sick of waiting.” Cole shook his head at me, and stormed off.

  I stormed off in the other direction, towards the stairs.

  Nicole came scurrying over. “What happened? One minute you’re all loved up, the next you’re storming off.”

  I buried my face in my hands. I didn’t quite know how things could change so quickly. I wanted to be with Cole, I always had on some level, but I needed time to get over Riley, and Cole needed to understand that. Every day, things reminded me of him. I couldn’t just ignore my feelings.

  Looking over at the band table, I debated whether I should find Cole and try to sort things out. I was just about to go on a hunt to find him when he sauntered back over, a blonde bimbo under each arm. They were cuddling up to him, rubbing his chest and running their hands down his stomach. He was lapping it up.

  “I’m going,” I told Nicole. “I can’t watch this anymore, it’s like Paris all over again.”

  I gave one last glance in Cole’s direction. He was watching me defiantly. Apparently, he had decided that he really was tired of waiting for me.

  Hailing a cab outside the club, I gave the driver my address. I then sat back and replayed the course of events in my mind.

  Had I been in the wrong? Should I have lied, and not mentioned Riley?

  Maybe.

  I gave the driver Cole’s address. I needed to sort this out with him, and there was no point prolonging the argument. He had invited me over tonight, so maybe we could get things back on track.

  Phil greeted me at the door and swiped his card in the elevator before pressing the button for the penthouse.

  I knew Cole wouldn’t be home yet. I had left before him, but I was sure he would say goodbye to the bimbos once he realised I had left, and be home in about half an hour. He had often flirted with girls at his gigs, but since we had gotten so close, he always put them in a cab at the end of the night and went home alone.

  Time seemed to be standing still as I sat on the edge of the couch, and checked my watch for the tenth time. It was now 1:45am; he should have been home by now.

  Going to his bedroom, I curled up on the bed. I would give him until two am and then, well, I didn’t know what would happen then.
I’d work it out once two am rolled around.

  I looked at the clock again. I was getting tired, and struggling to keep my eyes open. It was 2:24am. I must have dozed off.

  I opened my eyes. Something had woken me up.

  Rolling over quickly, I saw Cole standing in the doorway, still dressed from his gig. I looked at the clock; it was 5:10am.

  He was just staring at me, his mouth open. Finally, he came over, and tentatively sat on the edge of the bed.

  “What are you doing here?” He looked like a kid who’d just been caught sneaking in through the window.

  I couldn’t answer. I looked at the clock again, and the realisation that he was just getting home after being with them, hit me like a brick.

  Tears welled in my eyes as I sat up, and swung my legs over the side of the bed. “You invited me over, remember?”

  I pulled out my phone, and held up the messages we had sent each other only a few hours ago.

  He lifted his hands to his face. “Oh God, Tara, I’m so sorry.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I didn’t think you would come, after what happened.”

  “Obviously,” I replied through gritted teeth.

  I was so angry I wanted to punch him. “Did you have an enjoyable night?” I asked sarcastically.

  He ran his hand through his hair again. It looked messy, his clothes dishevelled. He looked beat.

  He stood up, and headed for the bathroom door. “Not really.” He looked over his shoulder at me. “I am really sorry, Tara.” Then he closed the door behind him.

  Now I was really angry, and hurt. I went to storm into the bathroom, but stopped myself. I wouldn’t lower myself to arguing about this anymore. He had made his decision, and he had chosen bimbos over me.

  Changing direction, I headed for the elevator.

  The water was running over my head when I heard my phone ring. I ignored it. I knew it was Cole from the ring tone, and I didn’t want to speak to him.

  I turned the hot tap up higher until it was nearly scolding. I needed to wash the events of the previous night away.

  I needed to wash my tears away.