* * * *
Barry was already there when the two women drove into the nearly deserted McDonald’s parking lot, standing next to his old blue Volvo, looking tired and disgruntled. Sam sighed heavily and glanced over at Valerie; her lover looked prepared for anything, and ready to fight.
It didn’t start out as badly as Sam had feared. Barry greeted them both pleasantly enough, even shaking hands with Valerie. They attempted to make some small talk about Valerie’s car, which only served to intensify Sam’s anxiety. As they all gazed into the engine and discussed the weight of oil Valerie used, Sam just wanted to get on with the inevitable confrontation so she could go home and see Emily and Dax, take a nap in her own bed, and put this whole mess on the back burner…at least for the rest of the day. She was exhausted physically and emotionally, and knew Barry must be, too. This meeting was probably a ridiculous idea.
“Yeah, man,” Valerie was chatting with Barry as if he were an old friend. “I paid two thousand dollars for this baby. Bet I could sell it for twice that now.”
Sam could tell Valerie’s “friendly act” was lost on Barry. She made a tentative effort to move the process along. “So, can we talk about this…or something?” Sam just wanted to get through this craziness and go home.
“About what?” asked Barry stiffly. “I don’t know that I have anything much to say to either of you.”
Valerie switched from easy-going to aggressive in the blink of an eye. “You don’t? Can’t think of anything to say about the fact that your wife here would rather spend New Year’s Eve with me than with her asshole husband?”
“Or,” Barry’s voice had that purposely calm tone Sam recognized from their own arguments. “We could talk about how you encourage Sam to lie to me, and yell obscenities at me on the phone, when you don’t even know me.”
“Look, man, I don’t need to know you. Or even want to. Sam’s a grown-up; she can make her own decisions. And she wanted to be with me.”
“Yeah, like your partner made her own decision to get knocked to the ground in the parking lot of Mo’s?”
“Leave her alone!” Sam interjected. “Sally just died. You shouldn’t bring that up at all right now.” And she moved a bit closer to Valerie.
“You think I don’t have feelings? My life partner just fuckin’ died, man. Leave her out of this.”
Sam didn’t like the turn this was taking at all. She was sure this wasn’t the kind of discussion Michelle was thinking of when she suggested this meeting. “Oh, and you’re so upset about losing your ‘life partner’ that you’re at home in mourning, right? No…you’re dragging Sam off to a party and sticking your nose in where it doesn’t belong.”
“Hey, asshole, she called me the other night. The woman invited me.”
“Barry, come on,” Sam added tearfully. “Can’t we all just get along? You know I love you, and I’m back…I’m here. Just don’t worry about what happened. All I want is to sometimes see Valerie, too. Isn’t that what you said you believe in?”
Barry sighed heavily. “Samantha, you’re not thinking. And there’s no use talking to you here. I’ll see you at the house. The kids are back from Nic’s, and Dax is wondering where you are.”
Sam said nothing. Valerie leaned against her car with her arms folded and a smug look on her face.
“Are you following me home, Sam?”
Sam knew what he meant. He expected her to get right in her car and leave Valerie behind.
“Sure. I’m right behind you.” But even as she said it, she knew it was a lie. There was no way she could tear herself away from Valerie without a good-bye. She stood motionless next to Valerie and watched Barry walk to his car, get in, and drive away. For the second time in the past twenty-four hours, she wondered when and how her best friend in the world had become her enemy.
As soon as Barry’s car was out of the parking lot, Valerie turned to Sam and took her hand. “Come tell me good-bye, baby girl. Sit in the car with me for just a minute.”
As always, Sam seemed unable to say no to this woman. She spent the next ten minutes in Valerie’s car, trying to sort out what had just happened and where they would go from there. When Sam finally kissed her lover good-bye, she had an eerie feeling everything about her life was going to change. It might be better, or not…but it would definitely not be the same.
Chapter 20: Valentine
It was the beginning of February and Sam was sitting on the front steps of the house with a beer and a turkey sandwich. Barry was out somewhere, and she was grateful to have a Sunday afternoon of peace and quiet. Emily and Chelsea had gone to the mall, Ryan was working, and Dax was listening to music in his room. The sounds of Incubus filled the downstairs area and spilled out onto the porch. Sam finished her sandwich and leaned back against the porch railing, her thoughts unwillingly turning to Valerie.
It wasn’t that Sam didn’t love Barry…she really did. She wanted him there, she wanted the closeness and the friendship they had. She knew there would never be anyone who would care about her without reservation the way this man did. But…she couldn’t get Valerie out of her head. Every time Sam tried to just relax and settle into her life here with Barry and the kids, something would remind her of Valerie. Sometimes it seemed almost like the universe was trying to send her a message she needed to do something definitive for once in her life. Actually make a decision and take charge of her own life, accepting the consequences of her choices.
But that’s the problem. Sam thought. I’m not sure I even want things to change, and I don’t know what I would do if I were free to decide.
Just then, Dax called from inside the house, “Mom. Phone. Gran.” Which Sam knew meant her mother was on the phone.
“Okay, sweetie,” she called back, and then went in to see what her mom wanted.
“Sam-wise!” said Mrs. Thomas. “How are you?” And then, “Your birthday’s coming up, you know.”
“Hey, Mom,” answered Sam. “Yeah, I know. I hadn’t really thought about it, though…there’s a lot going on right now…” Sam’s voice trailed off.
“Well, you think about what you would like for a birthday gift…I haven’t seen you much lately, so I don’t really know…”
Sam could tell her mom was concerned, and slightly hurt, that Sam had been a bit distant since Christmas.
“Okay, Mom. I’ll call you during the week, okay?”
And Sam hung up the phone, realizing Dax was listening to her conversation from the doorway.
“Are you okay, Mom?”
“Yeah, Dax, I’m okay.” She didn’t want her son to be affected by the craziness that gripped her soul and threatened to destroy the house of cards she had unwittingly created. “Is that your new CD you were playing? I sure would like a copy of that one song…” And she followed Dax upstairs, focusing on engaging with him rather than agonizing over her own fucked up life.
While they were listening to the new CD, the front door banged shut, and Sam knew Barry was home. In spite of the tension and the dissonance between them lately, Sam always felt safer and more comfortable with Barry nearby. She went out to greet him with a kiss.
“Hey, lady,” he greeted her. “Where is everybody?”
“I’m here, Dude,” Dax piped in. “Who knows where the girls are! Come listen to this song…it’s really radical.”
Sam smiled as Barry followed her son. Dax seemed more relaxed and confident every day, and Sam knew it had a great deal to do with the presence of his new stepfather. Moments like this made her feel she had made the right decision to join her life with Barry’s.
February contained two holidays: Sam’s birthday and Valentine’s Day. The latter had always seemed like a toss of the coin to Sam; if she had someone in her life, she loved celebrating Valentine’s Day, and if she didn’t, she tried to ignore the day altogether. Of course, this coming Valentine’s Day had an extra weird twist to it, because Sam had two people in her life, and she had no idea how to accommodate both.
At lunchtime on February 13, Sam was eating lunch at her desk, trying to decide whether to get Barry a Valentine card. She had mailed a card to Valerie days before, along with a Tracy Chapman CD she knew her lover would appreciate.
The two women were planning to get together the next weekend Sam’s kids were at their dad’s house. Barry and Sam had already had several arguments about her plans. She was going to stay with Valerie in the house that had belonged to Sally, and Barry objected to that idea. He kept bringing up the possibility Sally’s death had not been accidental, and Sam kept pushing her own doubts aside and defending her girlfriend to her husband. Sam was beginning to feel she was part of a Salvador Dali painting, in which everyday objects morphed into strange creatures. It seemed the carefully created “normal” life she thought she had was increasingly like an episode from either Alice in Wonderland or The Jerry Springer Show: strange and a bit frightening.
By the time Sam had finished her salad, she had decided she would get Barry a card. She did love him, and he was her husband, in spite of all that was happening. It hadn’t even crossed her mind she might leave him; Barry was someone whose friendship Sam treasured, and she didn’t feel hypocritical giving him a Valentine card. Whether he accepted it graciously or not, she would make the gesture.
The next day, Valentine’s Day, Sam beat Barry home from work, and was pleased she would have time to freshen up and fix a drink before Barry and the four kids descended on the house en masse. On the way in, Sam checked the mailbox. Mostly bills, plus a card for Emily and Dax from Nic. Then Sam spotted a thin paper parcel underneath the pile.
Hmmmm…Barry’s not the type to send a gift through the mail. Wonder what this is?
Inside the house, she looked more closely at the slender package. It came from the town where Valerie lived. And the handwriting looked a bit familiar…could it be…?
It was. Valerie had sent Sam a Valentines present: a silver bracelet made of links of tiny hearts. There was no card…just a handwritten note tucked in the box.
Baby girl,
You’re my Valentine. See you next weekend. Can’t wait to hold you.
Your Valerie
Sam felt a rush of emotion and could tell her face was flushed. Her feelings were a jumble of satisfaction and apprehension; what would Barry say? She didn’t want to keep hurting his feelings. But she couldn’t help but be thrilled over the sentimental gift from Valerie.
She heard Barry’s car in the driveway. Chelsea and Dax were with him—Ryan had his own car, and Emily had stayed after school for a club meeting. Sam quickly slipped the bracelet and the note in her pocket and discarded the package, pushing it deep into the trash bin. She sincerely wanted to have a nice evening with Barry.
Dax burst into the kitchen, in his usual high-energy mode. “Mom, guess what? This stupid girl gave me a Valentine! Handed it to me in the cafeteria! It was so gross!”
Chelsea chimed in, “Sam, it was that same dork who keeps calling Dax at night and hanging up when he answers. I think we should do something. Maybe she’s a psychopathic stalker or something!”
Sam had to laugh. “Guys, guys…calm down. Dax, tell me who this girl is, and I’ll call her parents if you want.”
“No way, Mom! That would be even more embarrassing. Don’t do anything, please.”
With that, Dax bounded down the stairs into his room, carrying a banana and a Dr. Pepper. Chelsea rolled her eyes as if to say, ‘Boys…’ and then went to her room, too. Barry came over to Sam and kissed her on the cheek, saying, “Happy Valentine’s Day, lady.” Sam was relieved she hadn’t told him about the present from Valerie. She kissed him back, and went to start dinner, guiltily feeling the small box in her pocket.
After dinner, the thought nagged Sam she should call Valerie and thank her for the gift. How could she do that and not disturb the peaceful mood in the house? As she stood at the kitchen counter thinking this over, Emily unwittingly solved the problem for her mother.
“Mom, do we have any granola bars? I promised the Drama Club I would bring some for everyone for our work session tomorrow at lunch.”
Usually Sam would have been annoyed at her daughter for the last-minute nature of her request. But on this particular night Sam jumped on the chance to go to the store and get granola bars.
“No problem, Em. We’re out, but I meant to get some yesterday. Chelsea eats them, too, so we really should keep a couple of boxes around. How many kids in the group?”
And in only a few moments, Sam had told Barry about her errand, slipped her cell phone in her pocket, and headed to the nearby grocery. She got the granola bars first, and then sat in the car in the Publix parking lot to call her girlfriend.
Valerie picked up right away. Sam was relieved to realize Valerie must be fairly sober. “Hey,” was all Sam said into the phone.
“Sam, my baby girl,” the other woman answered. “Happy V Day!”
Sam smiled. “Yeah, you too. Did you get the package from me?”
“Sure did,” was the reply. “It came yesterday. I love the CD, and your card.” She paused as if about to say more.
“Your present to me came in the mail today,” Sam went on. “Thank you…it’s beautiful…I love it.”
Valerie’s voice was soft and warm, “I’m glad. You know, I meant what I said. In the card and all. You are my Valentine, baby. I think I’m falling in love with you.”
This was almost more than Sam could handle. She couldn’t think of the right response. So she just said again, “Thank you for the beautiful gift.” And then, after a momentary feeling of betraying Barry, she added, “I think I love you, too.”
Chapter 21: What to Believe?
Sally’s house was an average three-bedroom suburban home, with a row of hedges in front and two cars in the driveway. Sam recognized one car as Valerie’s. As soon as she pulled into the driveway, Valerie appeared in the doorway with a huge smile on her face. Sam grinned in spite of her nervousness. She knew Barry was probably still fuming at home, but she was determined to enjoy this experience of being in Valerie’s home.
Sam soon discovered who the other car, a rather beat-up Buick Skylark, belonged to. Sally’s daughter was in the kitchen as Valerie led Sam in.
“Hey, Barbie, this is Sam.”
The girl, who looked to be in her early twenties, turned a head full of reddish brown curls and a skeptical expression toward Samantha. She nodded and then turned back to what she had been doing without a word.
“Barbie, can’t you even say hello?”
The girl mumbled “hello” without turning around.
“It’s okay,” whispered Sam to Valerie. “I’m sure it’s hard on her…”
“Whatever,” answered Valerie. “Come on, baby.”
Sam found herself led by the hand into Valerie’s bedroom, which Sam couldn’t help but realize was once Sally’s. But when Valerie gave her the “bedroom eyes,” Sam forgot all about the circumstances that brought them together. It was unusual in Sam’s past to make love in the afternoon in a lighted room, but that day it seemed perfectly natural.
Afterwards, they lay in the king-sized bed tangled in each other’s arms and legs. As they lay there quietly talking, Sam noticed some unusual marks on Valerie’s arm. Tracks. Even though she had never done it herself, Sam was quite aware of how the marks of intravenous drug use looked. She sat up and stared at her lover in accusation.
Valerie said defensively, “Hey, no baby, that’s not it. I wouldn’t put you through that…”
Sam continued to look at Valerie, doubt in her eyes.
“Okay, once, right after Sally croaked. I was freakin’ out, ya know? I couldn’t fuckin’ escape from the pain.”
“I—don’t know. It scares me. I have kids, and a job I need to keep. It’s not okay.”
By this time, both women were out of the bed and starting to gather their discarded clothes. A part of Sam knew she should act on this new discovery, but it was always so hard to tear herself away from Valerie’s ma
gnetic sexuality. This time was no exception. Even though Sam knew she should get dressed and go, what she did was exactly the opposite.
* * * *
It was getting dark outside the bedroom window by the next time the two got out of bed. Valerie threw on a robe and went out into the living room. Sam found her underwear and shirt and put them on, then huddled under the covers. Soon there came some conversation, and then shouting, from the other room. Finally, one voice died away and a door slammed. Shortly after, Valerie came back into the room.
“Come on, baby girl, we have to get out.”
“What? What are you talking about?” Sam replied. She started to get out of the bed, but Valerie sat on the bed hemming her in.
Sam asked again, “What do you mean, get out?
“Sally’s daughter is fuckin’ bent out of shape because you’re here…and because I’m still here. Somehow she has this messed up idea I could’ve saved Sally. Which of course is insane.”
Sam felt a little guilty about having had the same thought. And Barry totally thought that.
But what she said was, “Well, what’re we gonna do?”
Valerie took Sam’s hand and squeezed it. “What about a hotel? Can you swing that? I can’t think of anything else…”
Sam knew she shouldn’t spend the money—she only had enough for food and gas for the trip home. But, as usual, she found herself doing whatever this person asked of her, in spite of her better judgment.
* * * *
The next thing she knew, Sam was using her credit card to sign in to a room at the Best Western on the beach. Valerie acted like she was in charge of the whole operation, even though it was Sam’s money they were spending. When they got to the room, Valerie grabbed the ice bucket and went down the hall for ice. Soon they had drinks (from the vodka also bought with Sam’s money) and were settled on the tiny couch.
Sam realized they hadn’t eaten dinner.
“Hey, you know—we should get some food.”
“Are you hungry, baby?”
In All the Wrong Places Page 9
