The Color of a Dream

by Julianne MacLean

  “That would be great. Would you do that?”

  “Yeah, no problem,” she replied. “Now I have to run. Enjoy your exercise today, but don’t overdo it.”

  She grabbed her briefcase from the hall and walked out the front door. Suddenly the house seemed quiet until Ellen started beating her spoon on the tray of her high chair.

  With the sun shining in the kitchen window, I sat down at the table to organize my medications. I lined up all my pills in a row and took them, one by one with my oatmeal and a glass of orange juice.

  Later I slathered myself and Ellen with sunscreen, buckled her into the stroller, and we went for our daily walk. It had taken many months to work up to this level of fitness after my surgery, but now, each morning, we walked briskly for one hour.

  On that particular morning, despite my lack of sleep, I felt remarkably energetic.

  Oh, how I loved my new heart.

  * * *

  By the time we arrived home again, Ellen was asleep in the stroller. I picked up the mail and had time to flip through the envelopes on the front step before unlocking the door.

  One letter caught my eye, however.

  Quickly I sat down on the step and ripped it open right there, because the envelope had come from the organ donor network.

  I immediately began to read…

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  To the recipient of my son’s heart,

  Thank you for your letter. It meant a great deal to us to learn that something good came from my son’s passing—that you are alive now because of the choice he made to donate his organs. We have heard from some others as well, so it appears his generosity has helped more than a few people.

  Thank you again for telling us about your improved health. We were pleased and uplifted to hear it.

  We wish you all the best.

  Sincerely,

  The Donor Family

  I’m not sure what I had expected, but as I sat there in the bright sunshine on Diana’s front step, a crushing wave of disappointment washed over me. It seemed such a brief and impersonal reply, like a form letter that they probably sent out to all the organ recipients who contacted them.

  What had I hoped for, exactly? To meet the family? To see a picture of my donor? To learn what sort of life he had led?

  Was he married? Educated? Was he a loner? How did he die?

  Clearly, however, this family did not want to meet me, otherwise they would have shared more. The tone of the letter definitely implied that they preferred to end any future correspondence here.

  A tear slid down my cheek and I wasn’t sure why I was crying. Was it the fact that I’d just lost all hope of learning more about my donor? Or was it because I shared this family’s grief? I never knew this woman’s son but he had given me his heart and today it was beating inside my chest, keeping me alive so that I could know and raise my daughter. My donor’s generosity had affected me in a profound and extraordinary way. I wanted so badly to thank him. But I couldn’t.

  And what about the dreams? Would I ever know what they meant or why I was having them night after night?

  As I rose to my feet I wondered what would happen if I wrote another letter to the family and told them about my dreams, because I simply couldn’t fathom the idea of giving up. I felt certain that these dreams represented something important.

  * * *

  “I think we found him,” Diana said that evening when she walked through the front door.

  “Who?” I asked, thinking of my donor of course, because he had been at the front of my mind all day.

  “Rick’s brother.” Diana set her purse down on the table in the front hall and entered the kitchen where Ellen sat in her high chair waiting for the next spoonful.

  “And good news,” Diana added. “He’s not a prison convict or a drug addict.”

  “Wonderful!” I spooned some pureed carrots into Ellen’s mouth. She made a funny face. “Do you know where he lives?” I asked. “Can we contact him?”

  “We can try. I’m not sure if he’ll want to help us, though.”

  “Why not?”

  Diana gave Ellen a kiss on the head and sat down. “Would you want to get involved in a child custody battle concerning two strangers you’d never met and a brother you hadn’t spoken to in over ten years?”

  “No,” I replied honestly. “But maybe he has an axe to grind.”

  “Wouldn’t that be terrific,” Diana said, her tone dripping with sarcasm.

  “So what do we do now?” I scraped the plastic baby spoon around the bottom of the carrot bowl and gave the last bit to Ellen.

  Diana leaned close to her and spoke in baby talk. “We call him!” Ellen smiled and laughed. “Or rather, your lawyer will call,” Diana added.

  “You know I can’t afford a lawyer,” I reminded her. “I have no money.”

  Diana stood up. “Which is why it’s a good thing my specialty is family law and I have a lot of friends. I have someone in mind for this and he’s excellent. His name is Bob. I’ll take care of this, so don’t worry about it.”

  I smiled up at her. “What would I do without you?”

  “I have no idea.” She went to get some ice water from the refrigerator dispenser.

  “When will you call?” I asked.

  Ice cubes clattered into her tumbler and she checked her watch. “Look at that. It’s supper hour. Now’s as good a time as any. I’ll make the call from my room.”

  With that, she finished filling her glass, carried it to the stairs and picked up her briefcase.

  I had been waiting all day to tell her about the letter I’d received from the organ donor network, but I decided it could wait.

  Chapter Thirty

  Ten minutes later Diana descended the stairs. “You’re seriously not going to believe this…”

  I finished wiping the plastic tray on Ellen’s high chair, then picked up the toy key ring she’d just dropped on the floor and handed it back to her. “What happened?”

  Diana entered the kitchen. “I called the number we found for him today, which was for an area code in New Hampshire, but it said that number had been disconnected.”

  “Great,” I replied. “So we’re back to square one?”

  “No, they gave me a new number—for an address right here in Boston.”

  I stopped what I was doing and faced her. “You’re kidding me. Did you call it? Did you talk to him?”

  “I did but there was no answer. I heard his voice on the answering machine though.”

  “Did you leave a number for him to call you back?”

  “Yes,” she replied. “I didn’t tell him what it was about, though. I didn’t want to scare him off. I just told him it concerned his brother and it was urgent.”

  “So now we just wait?” I asked.

  Diana nodded and Ellen pitched the toy key ring onto the floor again. I picked it up, wiped it off, and handed it back to her.

  “Since we have time,” I said, “I want to tell you about the letter that came for me today. Have a seat and I’ll get you a bowl of stew.”

  Diana sat down at the table, but before I served up the stew, I went to fetch the letter out of my purse. I wanted her to read it herself.

  * * *

  After she read the letter, Diana replied tactfully, “Well…it’s nice that they responded.”

  I set a bowl of stew in front of her. “I’ve been telling myself that all day but I’m still disappointed. I really wanted to know more about my donor. I was hoping I might even get to meet the family, maybe see a picture of him.”

  Diana set the letter down. “It sounds like they don’t want that.”

  “I know and I have to respect their privacy. What I need to do is move on and let it go. Whoever he is, he’s gone now and I’m sure it’s silly for me to imagine that his spirit is flying in and out of my bedroom at night to visit his old heart.”

  Diana dipped her spoon into the broth. “I’m sorry. I’m sure it’s not easy.”
<
br />   “No, especially when I’ve been doing so much reading on cellular memory. I was even thinking about contacting that guy who wrote the book about it—the one Sophie Duncan mentioned. But what’s the point if I don’t know anything about my donor?”

  “I’m sure it will all become clear eventually,” Diana said. “Sometimes things happen for a reason and maybe you’re just not meant to meet that family right now.”

  “But why not now?” I pressed. “Do you think I’m not ready for it? And does this mean I should give up? Because I was considering writing another letter to the family to tell them about my flying dreams. Who knows, maybe they’re having the same ones.”

  My sister made a face. “I don’t know if that would be a good idea. If they’re not into that stuff they might think you’re a nutcase.”

  “But I am a nut,” I replied with a smile. “Always will be.”

  Just then the telephone rang and Diana immediately shoved her chair back to stand up. “I’ll get it. It might be him.”

  By “him,” she meant Rick’s brother, while I couldn’t stop thinking of someone else.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  Diana picked up the phone in the kitchen. “Hello, Diana Moore speaking.”

  Her gaze shot to mine and she nodded to let me know it was him. Rick’s brother. My stomach did a somersault.

  “Thanks for returning my call.” Diana walked into the living room and sat down on the sofa.

  I remained with Ellen so as not to be a distraction—though I strained to listen in as best I could.

  Diana explained the situation to Mr. Fraser.

  There was a long pause. Then she spoke again. “Yes, that’s right. Yes. Uh huh. That would be great.”

  Ellen suddenly became chatty and started wiggling in her chair. I moved to unbuckle her and set her free for a while so she could toddle around the table.

  I heard Diana rise from the sofa. She returned to the kitchen.

  By this time, my heart was racing and I could barely contain my curiosity. “Was it him?” I asked. “What did he say?”

  Diana set the cordless phone in the charger and returned to finish her stew. “It was him all right and he was very surprised to hear what I was calling about.”

  “Did he offer to help us?” I asked.

  She hesitated. “Not exactly, but I still want to talk to him some more. He seemed uneasy and a bit reluctant, but I managed to convince him to meet us.”

  I stared at her in shock. “Really?”

  “Yes. I thought about inviting him over here, but I don’t want to give him our home address because we don’t know anything about him.” She picked up her spoon. “He said he works most nights and he was just heading out, so I arranged for us to meet for a late lunch tomorrow.”

  I still couldn’t believe it. “He agreed to that?”

  “Yes, and Jacob’s off so I’m going to ask him to come with us.”

  I followed Ellen while she wobbled and then dropped to crawl around the kitchen table. “This might be weird,” I said. “Jesse is Ellen’s uncle, you know.”

  “I know,” Diana replied thoughtfully, “and I’m pretty sure that’s why he agreed to meet us.”

  I bent forward, scooped Ellen into my arms and gave her a raspberry on the belly. She shrieked with laughter.

  “But where will this go?” I asked. “I hope we’re not making a mistake. I feel like it’s a risk because, like you said, we don’t know anything about him.”

  “No,” Diana replied, “but something tells me this is the right thing to do. I don’t know why, but I had a gut feeling when I heard his voice. Otherwise I wouldn’t have suggested we meet.”

  Ellen squirmed in my arms so I set her back down on the floor.

  “And you’ve learned never to ignore a gut feeling,” I mentioned. “So let’s cross our fingers that this doesn’t backfire. It would really suck if he turned out to be an axe murderer.”

  Chapter Thirty-two

  “He’s not going to show,” I said to Diana as I checked my watch for the tenth time.

  Diana and Jacob each checked their phones. “He’s only five minutes late,” Jacob said, “and traffic’s always slow when it rains.”

  The three of us were seated around a square table in Imagination—a downtown restaurant known for its creative main-course salads. I’d chosen to leave Ellen at home with a sitter because I didn’t feel comfortable introducing her to Rick’s estranged brother when we knew so little about him.

  The waitress came by and refilled our water glasses. I checked my watch again. “It’s ten after three,” I said. “He’s not going to show.”

  Just then the door opened and a man walked in. He paused to wipe a hand over his hair and whisk the rain drops away, then glanced around the restaurant, which was mostly empty except for the three of us and one other couple.

  The hostess greeted him, then picked up a menu and escorted him to our table.

  “It’s him,” I quietly said.

  Jacob stood and turned when Jesse arrived.

  “Am I in the right place?” Jesse asked.

  “Yes.” Jacob held out his hand to shake Jesse’s. “This is Diana Moore and Nadia Carmichael. I’m Jacob Peterson.”

  Jesse looked to be about my age. He was slim with medium-brown hair, blue eyes, and a goatee at his chin.

  When he finished shaking our hands, he removed his rain jacket and draped it on the back of his chair. Then he looked down at Nadia and me as he sat down. “You’re twins,” he said with some surprise.

  “Yes,” Diana replied. “Identical, though we weren’t raised together. We didn’t even know about each other until two years ago.”

  “No kidding.” The corner of Jesse’s mouth curled up in a smile. “How did that happen?”

  “It’s a long story,” Diana said, “but here’s the condensed version. We were separated at birth and put up for adoption. Then by some miracle we ended up in the same city, working only a few blocks away from each other.”

  “Wow,” he said, “that does sound like a miracle.”

  There was an awkward silence while Jesse glanced back and forth between the two of us. “So which one of you is—”

  “The mother of Rick’s baby?” I finished for him. Raising my hand, I said, “That would be me.”

  Our eyes met and held for the first time and he regarded me with curiosity, as if there were a hundred questions he wanted to ask. “So you’re Nadia…”

  I nodded, and felt a little flustered.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, “my head is spinning right now. This is strange.”

  “My head is spinning too,” I replied. “It’s been a weird couple of days.”

  I was referring not only to the news of Rick’s custody suit, but also to the letter I’d received from my donor’s family. But Jesse didn’t know anything about my heart transplant and I wanted to keep it that way for now. There were other, more important things to discuss.

  “You didn’t bring your daughter with you?” he asked.

  Diana leaned forward. “No, we wanted to meet you first.”

  He turned to her. “I see. To make sure I pass the litmus test?”

  She shrugged. “Well…I’m sure you can understand…”

  “Of course,” he replied. “You don’t know anything about me. I don’t know anything about you, and this is all a bit strange.”

  There was a sudden tension in the air.

  “Yes, it is,” I replied. “And I’m sorry we caught you off guard. It must have been a surprise to hear from Diana, and I’m sure you’re not exactly comfortable with the idea of talking to us, because Rick is your brother and you don’t even know us. But I love my daughter, Mr. Fraser, and I need to do everything I can to—”

  He held up a hand to stop me from completing the sentence. “First of all,” he said, “call me Jesse. And second, let’s not waste each other’s time here. You don’t want to lose custody of your daughter, and I get that. So what is it, exactly
, that you need from me? Because whatever it is, I’ll give it to you.” He picked up his water glass and reclined in his chair. “Just tell me what happened between you and my brother. And what’s he asking for?”

  Chapter Thirty-three

  I nearly sprayed my water out on the table because I didn’t expect it to be this easy. His reply absolutely thrilled me.

  Diana’s reaction wasn’t quite the same, however. She frowned and sat forward.

  “How long has it been since you’ve spoken to your family, Jesse?”

  Great. Let’s cross examine the witness. He might be hostile.

  “About a decade,” he replied.

  She paused. “Can you tell us why you lost touch?”

  He gazed at her for a moment. “Are you Nadia’s lawyer as well as her sister?”

  “Today I am,” she replied. “But when this goes to court she’ll be represented by a colleague of mine because there’s a slight conflict of interest here.”

  Slight?

  “How so?” he asked.

  I kicked Diana under the table, because I didn’t want to air our dirty laundry this early in the game. Jesse had just agreed to help us. I didn’t want him to change his mind. But Diana ignored me.

  “I’m the reason Nadia got involved with Rick in the first place,” she explained. “He and I were seeing each other in LA when I found out Nadia was my twin. Then after I met Nadia, Rick and I broke up. I moved back here to the east coast, and he and Nadia started seeing each other.”

  That was tactful, but she left out all the juicy bits.

  For a long moment Jesse said nothing, then he turned his eyes to meet mine and spoke with understanding. “My brother’s a real charmer, isn’t he?”

  I had the distinct impression Jesse knew—or at least suspected—that the situation had been far more complicated than Diana let on. What he didn’t know was that all hell had broken loose when Rick kissed me in a hotel elevator while he and Diana were still a couple. When the elevator doors opened, there stood my sister in the lobby, staring at us with a look of shock and horror I will never forget.