The Color of a Dream

by Julianne MacLean

  The whole situation had been sordid and ugly, and to this day I am still surprised she was able to forgive me.

  “He’s only charming at first,” I said to Jesse, to make it clear I had come to my senses. Eventually.

  The waitress arrived to take our orders and when she left, another awkward silence ensued.

  Jacob reached for Diana’s hand. “What do you do, Jesse?” he politely asked. “Diana mentioned you work nights.”

  “I’m a helicopter pilot,” he replied.

  My eyebrows lifted. “That sounds exciting.”

  “Sometimes it is,” he said. Then he smiled at me. “But sometimes it’s not.”

  Jacob and Diana laughed and nodded. “I think it’s safe to say that about any profession.”

  “And what do you do, Nadia?” Jesse asked me.

  My stomach turned over because I had never done much of anything in my life—until I gave birth to Ellen and survived a heart transplant.

  “I’m not working right now,” I explained. “I had some health problems recently, and then of course Ellen came along. I’m just happy to be a stay-at-home mom at the moment.”

  I avoided mentioning the cause of my health problems because part of me was worried that if Jesse knew the risk factors I dealt with every day, he might change his mind about helping me keep full custody of Ellen.

  “And what do you do?” Jesse asked Jacob.

  “I’m a cardiac surgeon at Boston Mass,” Jacob replied.

  “I can’t imagine that ever gets boring.”

  “It keeps me on my toes most days,” Jacob said pleasantly.

  One thing about Jacob—he was always very humble. He wasn’t one of those arrogant doctors who walked around beating their chest.

  “So I guess that’s enough chit chat,” Jesse said. Then he turned to Diana. “You asked why I hadn’t spoken to my family in ten years, Ms. Moore, and I’m happy to tell you. I just don’t know if it’ll be of any help because it was such a long time ago.”

  Diana sat forward. “We’ll appreciate any information you can give us.”

  Chapter Thirty-four

  Jesse told us about a girl he had once loved—her name was Angela—and how Rick had stolen her away and gotten her pregnant. Rick then threatened to leave her if she didn’t agree to an abortion, so she performed one on herself and bled to death in his bathroom. Jesse was the one who found her.

  The waitress brought our meals just as he finished describing the events, but none of us could eat. We all sat in silence.

  “I’m sorry that happened,” I softly said.

  Then I thought about how Rick had withdrawn from me so completely when I told him I was pregnant, and how he’d accused me of trying to trap him. How he pressured me to take the money and go away.

  Now I saw how irresponsible he had been. In so many ways…on so many levels. Yet he made the women feel at fault, as if what happened had not involved him at all.

  At least he never asked me to have an abortion. Now I knew why.

  Jesse picked up his fork and we all began to eat, but the mood was somber.

  “Did your parents know what happened?” Diana asked.

  Jesse nodded. “I told them everything when I flew home, but they’d already talked to Rick and heard his side of the story. They implied it was my fault she did what she did—that if I had stayed out of it she would’ve gone to the hospital like she and Rick had decided and she’d be alive today.”

  I was horrified to hear that his parents would suggest such a thing. “You can’t blame yourself,” I said.

  His eyes lifted and met mine. “I try not to.” He ate slowly. “My parents swept everything under the carpet. They didn’t attend Angela’s funeral and they defended Rick to other people. They basically threw me under the bus, and that’s why I haven’t spoken to them or my brother in ten years.”

  Diana and I exchanged glances.

  “Rick never mentioned any of that to us,” I said. “But he was pretty up front about not wanting to get married or have kids.”

  “Not at first,” Diana reminded me. “He always said everything I wanted to hear. He presented himself as perfect husband material and I honestly thought we’d end up together.”

  Jesse seemed to be listening, but he offered no response.

  “I tried calling him after I received the lawyer’s letter,” Diana said, “but his phone was disconnected. We’re wondering if he might be involved with someone new and maybe that’s why he wants Ellen.”

  I moved my salad around on my plate. “Maybe he finally met the right woman who would be a perfect mother and he’s a changed man.”

  Diana gave me a look. “There’s no point speculating. I’ll be talking to his lawyer soon enough.”

  Jesse reached for his water. “I’m sorry I can’t be of more help, but I really have no idea what’s going on in Rick’s life these days. You probably know more than I do.”

  “Probably,” I replied, “but what we do know seems consistent with the brother you just described, so it doesn’t sound like he’s changed much.”

  Jacob’s cell phone rang. He reached into his pocket to check the call display. “Sorry,” he said, “but I have to take this.” He stood up and left the table to answer it. A few minutes later he returned. “That was the hospital and I have to go. Do you need a ride back to work?” he asked Diana.

  “I have my umbrella,” she said. “I can walk.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Yes, you go ahead.”

  He gave her a kiss on the cheek, shook Jesse’s hand and said, “It was nice meeting you.” Then he hurried out the door into the driving wind and rain.

  “Do you work nearby?” Jesse asked Diana. “Because I can give you a lift.”

  “I wouldn’t want to trouble you,” she said.

  “It’s no trouble.” Then he turned to me. “Where are you headed, Nadia?”

  I wiped my lips with the linen napkin. “I have to get home to Ellen. We live in Beacon Hill.”

  It didn’t occur to me until after I spoke the words that Diana had arranged for us to meet Jesse downtown for a reason, and I had just upset that turnip cart by revealing where we lived.

  “I’d be happy to give you a ride too,” he said, “if you need one.”

  I met Diana’s gaze and she shrugged, as if she was no longer concerned that he might be an axe murderer.

  “That would be nice,” I said. “Thank you.” Then Diana asked the waitress to bring the check.

  * * *

  After we dropped Diana off at her office, Jesse headed toward Beacon Hill and I found myself rambling on and on, confessing all my doubts and concerns about the situation with Rick.

  “It’s tough because he’s Ellen’s father, and ethically and legally I don’t have the right to keep him from seeing her. It’s not like he has a criminal record or anything and he certainly wasn’t abusive toward me or Diana. He just didn’t want the responsibility of a family. He didn’t want to marry me and I can’t blame him for that. I’m no picnic. Not that I’m chopped liver or anything, but you know, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. It happens all the time and who am I to tell Ellen that she can’t know her father? If I tried to keep her from seeing him, I’m sure when she got older she’d resent me, and I don’t want that either. So maybe I’m just going to have to accept that I’m not her only parent, and Rick has rights too.”

  Jesse glanced at me. “Sounds like you already have this figured out.”

  I shook my head. “Oh no. Not by a long shot. He lives on the other side of the country, so how is that going to work? He wants full custody. It feels like a war with all sorts of little battles to fight in different places, and I really don’t feel up to that right now. It’s been a rough year.”

  I gazed out the rain-soaked window and listened to the sound of the tires swishing through puddles on the streets.

  “How so?” Jesse asked.

  I don’t know why I suddenly felt a need to clam up
when I’d been blathering on for the past five minutes, but something kept me from telling him about my surgery. Maybe I’d simply shared enough for one day.

  I turned my gaze to meet his and he stared at me for a few seconds.

  “Never mind,” he said. “It’s none of my business.”

  Was I that easy to read?

  I shrugged, as if to make light of it. “It’s no big deal. I just never expected to be a single mother. It wasn’t exactly what I planned, you know?”

  He nodded.

  “So what about you?” I asked, needing to change the subject. “Do you have kids?”

  “No.” He grinned at me. “But not for lack of trying.”

  Baffled and somewhat amused by his response, I laughed. “I’m not sure how to take that.”

  He flicked the blinker and turned left at an intersection with a flashing green light. “Me neither. I guess I’ve had a rough year, too.”

  Suddenly, my interest in Jesse Fraser quadrupled. As I watched his profile in the hazy gray light, I noted that he looked nothing like Rick, who was ridiculously charming and classically handsome with his striking dark features.

  Jesse didn’t possess the same whack-you-over-the-head charisma. He had a quieter personality and far less striking coloring and facial features. It was almost difficult to believe they were brothers.

  He turned to glance at me and began to explain the rough year he’d had. “I was with a woman for five years and I proposed more than once, but she was never sure. We finally agreed to pack it in and move on.” He paused. “Well, she agreed to move on. If it had been up to me, we’d be married right now with a kid on the way.”

  The wipers snapped vigorously back and forth across the windshield. “I’m sorry to hear that,” I said. “Sometimes, love sucks.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  He turned onto my street and I pointed. “Keep going a little further. Just a bit more. I live right there. The one with the flowers in the window boxes. They’re getting a good soaking today.”

  Jesse pulled over and I reached for my purse on the floor. “This was really nice of you,” I said. “Not just the ride home, but for meeting us today.”

  “I don’t know how helpful I was,” he said. “Everything I know about Rick is old news, over a decade old. And people change.”

  I locked eyes with him. “Do you really believe that?”

  “Of course.”

  “Then why haven’t you spoken to him? Or to your parents?”

  He inclined his head. “Good point, Nadia. And why haven’t they spoken to me?”

  I smiled. “We could go back and forth with this all day.”

  “But we won’t,” he replied with a grin, “because you have a baby to get home to.”

  I smiled. “Yes.” I opened the door to step out, but halted when my foot landed on the wet curb. I pulled my leg back in and quickly shut the door.

  “She’s your niece, you know.”

  “I know that,” he replied. “That’s why I agreed to meet you today.”

  I paused. “Did you think I was going to bring her?”

  He tapped his thumbs on the steering wheel. “I didn’t know.”

  Maybe it was foolish of me—which was nothing new because I had made more than a few stupid decisions in my life—but I reached out and touched Jesse’s arm. “Would you like to meet her now?”

  His eyes clouded over with intensity, then he shut off the car engine and unbuckled his seatbelt. “Yeah, I would.”

  Chapter Thirty-five

  Ellen was a child who thrived on routine, so it came as no surprise to me that she was asleep in her crib when we walked through the door.

  I paid the sitter, thanked her, and said good-bye at the door, then I took Jesse’s coat and hung it on the hall tree.

  “She probably won’t wake up for another hour,” I said, “so can I offer you a cup of coffee? Or you could come upstairs with me now while I check on her.”

  “Really? If you don’t mind…?”

  “Not at all. She’s so cute when she’s sleeping but we’ll have to be quiet. We’ll tiptoe.”

  Was I mad, inviting a perfect stranger into my bedroom when there was no one else in the house? Probably. But for some reason I couldn’t yet explain, I trusted this man.

  I led the way and he followed me up the creaky stairs. “We share a room,” I told him when we reached the top. “This is actually Diana’s house but she lets me stay here. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

  When we reached my room, I was relieved to see that I had made my bed that morning and there were no clothes or toys flung about.

  Together we approached the crib and looked in on Ellen who was sprawled on her back in her light pink pajamas. She looked so adorable I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and slobber all over her.

  I gripped the top of the crib rail. “There she is. I love to watch her sleep.”

  He stared at her for a moment. “She’s beautiful.”

  We didn’t stay too long before we quietly tiptoed back downstairs.

  “I can still make some coffee,” I said when we reached the bottom, “if you want to stay until she wakes up.”

  “I’d love a coffee if it’s not too much trouble,” he replied.

  “Not at all.”

  He followed me into the kitchen and I withdrew the grounds from the cupboard, then scooped them into the top of the coffee maker.

  “I suppose someone who does shiftwork must drink a lot of coffee,” I said.

  “I don’t mind working nights,” he replied, “if I can stick to that schedule for a while. Your body gets used to it. It’s when they move you around from days to nights… That’s when it’s rough.”

  I filled the coffee maker with water and pushed the start button. Then I pulled two mugs from the shelf. “Cream or sugar?”

  “Just milk,” he replied.

  I retrieved the milk from the fridge and set everything on the table, then leaned against the counter to wait while the coffee brewed.

  Jesse sat down and picked up the saltshaker that was in the shape of a bird house. He examined it briefly, then set it down and said, “I really can’t understand how my brother—how any man—wouldn’t want to know his own child. Your sister said he gave you money to stay away? He asked you never to contact him again?”

  “Money and a car,” I explained. “Which is why I was surprised to get his petition this week.”

  Jesse shook his head. “He and I were always very different. He would flit from one girl to another and I don’t think he ever had his heart broken. Not while I knew him. Meanwhile, I always had a hard time letting go. I never wanted to lose anyone.”

  The coffee pot gurgled noisily and then grew quiet. I poured two cups and carried them to the table.

  “It makes you wonder about nature versus nurture,” I said. “You and Rick share the same genes, were raised in the same house by the same parents, yet your personalities and how you interact with people turned out to be very different. Diana and I were born as twins, reared apart, and our lives had very little in common when we met, yet deep down, I think we’re alike. I guess at the end of the day every person is unique, and how they respond to their environment can vary.”

  Jesse poured some milk into his coffee. “I’ve often thought about that too. But all the pondering in the world can’t help me understand how Rick could send you away like he did, or how he could have treated Angela the way he did all those years ago—and then not even go to her funeral.” He shook his head. “I thought I was over it, but seeing your daughter just now… His daughter…” Jesse slowly sipped his coffee.

  “I know,” I said. “There’s a resemblance there.”

  “The dark hair,” he said.

  I poured milk into my own cup. “Not to complicate matters, but here’s my next question: Can a leopard change its spots? Because suddenly Rick wants to be involved and I don’t feel the least bit equipped to fight him.”

  Je
sse’s eyes lifted. “Why not? Your sister’s a lawyer.”

  “Yes, but I mean…emotionally. Ethically.”

  He leaned back in his chair to wait for me to elaborate.

  “Remember when Diana mentioned that we were separated at birth?” He nodded and I continued. “Well I was born with a heart defect that couldn’t be repaired right away, so I wasn’t adopted until I was four years old. Unfortunately that situation wasn’t ideal either and my father left us a few years later. I never saw him again. My adoptive mother died of lung cancer when I was nineteen and I never knew a single blood relative of my own until Diana contacted me. Now I have a child of my own and I don’t want her to ever be without a family. I don’t want her to be abandoned like I was. Rick is her natural father. Isn’t blood thicker than water? I don’t want to deny her that. Or deny him for that matter. Shouldn’t I give him a chance?”

  Jesse stared at me with concern. “Are you still in love with him?”

  “No!” I blurted out. “Good Lord. It’s not that.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Of course I’m sure.”

  He sipped his coffee again and watched me over the rim of the cup.

  “I’m thinking of Ellen’s future,” I explained. “I want her to have lots of family, not just me, because all I had was my mom, and when she died I was left alone. At least until Diana showed up.” I paused. “Do you understand?”

  “I do,” he quietly replied.

  The lights on the baby monitor flickered and I heard Ellen begin to chatter.

  “She’s awake.” I set down my coffee mug. “Wait here. I’ll go get her and bring her down.”

  Chapter Thirty-six

  “You invited him in?” Diana asked when she arrived home from work that evening. I was in the kitchen, feeding Ellen in her high chair. “Are you sure that was wise?”

  “Why wouldn’t it be?” I asked. “Didn’t you think he was okay at lunch? Because I really liked him. I had a good feeling about him and remember what you said about never ignoring a gut feeling.” I handed Ellen her spoon, hoping she’d eat some mashed potatoes but she patted them down with her hands.