The Color of a Dream

by Julianne MacLean

  * * *

  Jesse received my text and called later to ask if I was free for dinner.

  “Don’t worry about the court date,” he said. “Everything’s going to be fine. And I have something I want to show you. I just called Diana to see if she was free to watch Ellen for us tonight. She said yes.”

  “It sounds like an offer I can’t refuse,” I replied.

  He picked me up at five and when I asked where we were going to eat, he told me he’d cooked something for us. It was packed in a cooler in the trunk.

  “Although ‘cooked’ might be a bit of an exaggeration,” he added. “I hope you like cold chicken salad. I also stuck a bottle of red wine in there. You’re allowed to have red wine, right?”

  “In moderation, yes,” I replied, wondering what he had in mind for us tonight, because he’d never done anything like this before.

  We drove out of the city and headed along the Charles River toward Waltham. Eventually we turned onto a private wooded lane and drove a short distance through lush green foliage.

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  “To see a house,” he finally explained. “I’m thinking about buying it and I’d like your opinion.”

  My eyebrows rose. “Really? I thought you liked living in the city.”

  “I do, but I’m not crazy about my apartment. It’s kind of small. Besides, this isn’t that far out. It’s only a twenty-five minute drive, and there’s a hospital in Waltham”

  What can I say? I was a woman in love and my hopes were stirred into a frenzy as I imagined that he might have invited me here to talk about long-term plans for us. Together as a couple.

  As a family.

  Ellen loved Jesse, and so did I. He was the kindest, most generous man I’d ever known, and every time I looked at him I felt like I might swoon. There was just something in his eyes that moved me. Each day since we met, my purpose in life—the reason I received this gift from my donor—became clearer. It was to be happy, fulfilled and to shower my joy upon Ellen and Jesse. I’d felt joyful before Jesse came along, but now that had quadrupled.

  The sun was just setting when we reached the end of the narrow lane and the house came into view. It was blue with white trim, surrounded by fertile greenery and overlooked a narrow section of the river.

  We pulled to a halt on the gravel driveway and Jesse turned off the car. “There’s no for sale sign,” I said.

  “Not yet,” he replied. “I know the guy who’s selling and he plans to put it on the market next week. I convinced him to let me take a look first.” Jesse reached into his pocket, withdrew a set of keys and dangled them in the air. “Ready?”

  “Yeah.”

  We got out of the car and walked hand in hand to the covered veranda.

  “How old is it?”

  “It was built around 1910 but it was renovated recently. Doug says it has a new kitchen and bathroom and they replaced the roof two years ago.”

  “I love the veranda,” I said as we climbed the steps. “And look, there’s a porch swing.” I hurried to sit on it.

  Jesse followed but didn’t sit down. He leaned a shoulder against one of the square white columns and smiled. “You look perfect sitting there.” He dug out his phone and took my picture.

  “It’s so peaceful here,” I said, rising to my feet. “Close your eyes and listen.”

  We both stood on the porch with our eyes closed, taking in the hush of the forest. Then a chipmunk called from somewhere in the treetops and we opened our eyes.

  “Rabble rouser,” Jesse said.

  “Yes,” I replied. “You’ll have to lay down the law if you buy this place. Chipmunks must keep it down to a dull roar.”

  He kissed me on the cheek and led me to the front door. After slipping the key into the lock, he pushed it open and gestured for me to enter. “Ladies first.”

  I walked in and discovered that the house was completely empty of furniture. There weren’t even pictures on the walls.

  The floors were hardwood and looked like they could be refinished. Cherry wood paneling covered the walls in the living and dining rooms, and the stair rail was cherry as well.

  “It’s very beautiful… Kind of has a craftsman style. How long has it been empty?”

  “Only a few days,” Jesse said. “It belonged to Doug’s parents and on a whim they decided to pack up and move down to their condo in Florida.” Jesse followed me into the main room where he seemed more interested in looking at me than inspecting the house. “They lived here all their lives,” he added, “since they were first married fifty years ago. ‘Lots of love in this house,’ Doug says.”

  “I can sense that.” I met his gaze with a smile, then I glanced up at the white-painted ceiling to admire a center medallion and wrought iron hanging light fixture. I looked over the wood-burning fireplace and mantel as well. “Where’s the kitchen?”

  “Through here.”

  I had the distinct impression, as Jesse gestured toward a door, that he had already been here to see the place on his own.

  I followed him into a modern kitchen with cream-colored cabinets and a speckled granite countertop. A large window overlooked the river in the backyard.

  “Do the appliances stay?” I asked, admiring the stainless steel fridge and gas range.

  “Yes, everything you see is included.”

  “Even the curtains? They look new. I really like them.”

  I moved across the breakfast nook, opened a new sliding glass door and walked out onto the back porch. There was a small blue boathouse at the river’s edge and some Adirondack chairs on the lawn.

  Jesse followed and we both gazed out at the river. “Quite the view, isn’t it?” he said.

  The water was shiny and calm. I breathed in the fresh clean fragrances of early autumn.

  “Do you like this house?” he asked.

  “I love it. It’s like a dream.”

  There were times I wondered if I truly was dreaming all of this. How could my life have become so miraculous every day when I’d always been the unluckiest woman on the planet?

  Or maybe I died during my transplant surgery and went to heaven, and this was it.

  But no… Surely God wouldn’t let Rick sue me for custody in heaven.

  Jesse reached for my hand. “I’m glad you like it because I want to buy it for you. For us, I should say. Ellen, too.”

  My heart was pounding like a jackhammer and I turned to face him. “What are you saying, Jesse?”

  “I’m saying that I want to marry you. I want to take care of you and Ellen.”

  Though I was thrilled to hear him utter those words—I want to marry you—together in a sentence, there was a part of me that couldn’t help being hesitant and cautious.

  I inclined my head at him. “Take care of us… That sounds lovely and I’m flattered, but I don’t think that’s a good reason to marry someone—so that you can take care of them. I’m in love with you but I don’t want you to think I need to be taken care of.”

  He bowed his head. “Oh, God, I’m sorry. That came out all wrong. Not like I planned it at all, and I don’t think that way about you.” His eyes lifted to meet mine as he reached into his jacket pocket. He pulled out a small velvet box. I blinked down at it in shock.

  “I love you,” he said. “I respect and admire you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He opened the box and showed me a diamond ring that took my breath away. “Will you marry me?”

  Chapter Fifty

  I hesitated, perhaps for too long, because Jesse carefully closed the box and lowered it to his side.

  I let out a sigh. “I’m sorry. I think we need to talk about this.”

  He nodded and pointed toward the water. “Let’s go sit in those chairs down there.”

  There were four painted Adirondack chairs facing the river. We crossed the lawn and I sat in the purple one. Jesse took hold of my hand.

  “I proposed,” he said, “because I love being with you an
d Ellen and I don’t ever want to lose you.”

  “I believe you,” I replied. “We love being with you, too, but does this have anything to do with Rick? Are you just doing this to try and help me win the custody case? Or to prevent Rick from winning it?” It had never occurred to me before that our relationship might be rooted in the bitter competition that existed between these two brothers. I’d never let myself imagine that Jesse might be using me toward that end—unconsciously of course. I didn’t believe he could ever be a manipulator, but he might not be sure of his true feelings.

  He sat back in his chair. “You know me better than anyone. You know how I feel about Rick, and yes—all of this does take me back to what happened ten years ago with Angela. So I won’t lie to you. I’ll freely admit that I want to keep you and Ellen safe and make sure he doesn’t destroy your life. I want to help you and I’m certain you’ll have a better chance in court if he can’t wave that single mother argument around. He won’t be able to say that he can provide a more stable homelife for Ellen if you and I are married.”

  “That may be true,” I argued, “and I’d be a fool to refuse you if it meant I could keep Ellen—because I’d do just about anything to make sure I didn’t lose her. But I don’t want you to ever feel like you sacrificed your own future by marrying me. I can’t ask you to do that.”

  He sat forward and spoke with an intensity that caused my blood to race through my veins. “How could you ever think it would be a sacrifice? I fell in love with you the first moment I saw you, and every moment since has been better than the last. You know that, Nadia. You also know it would have come to this eventually, with or without the court case. I was never going to let you go or move on. You’re it for me and I can’t imagine living without you. I’ll be honest with you now because I respect you.” He took a breath. “You’re right. I probably wouldn’t have proposed today if Rick wasn’t breathing down your neck with his custody suit. I would have waited a little longer because…” He paused. “Well, just because. But since I knew I was going to propose anyway, I figured…why not do it now and help you—help us both—keep Ellen?”

  I felt breathless. I wanted to run and jump. “Are you sure about this, Jesse?”

  “Of course I’m sure.” He squeezed both my hands. “I want to marry you as soon as we can arrange it and I want to buy this house and move in right away and build a swing set right over there for Ellen.” He kissed the backs of both my hands. “I want to start our life together. I want to go to bed with you every night and wake up beside you every morning. I don’t want to waste another minute living apart.”

  Laughter bubbled up inside me and my eyes filled with tears. “I want that, too,” I said. “Let’s do it.”

  He smiled, then rose from the chair and got down on one knee in front of me. “Then let me do this better. Thank God for second chances.” He presented the ring to me again and said, “Nadia Carmichael, will you make me the happiest man alive and be my wife?”

  I cupped his face in both my hands and kissed him. “Yes. I will.”

  Then he slipped the ring on my finger and I wondered if I should pinch myself.

  Chapter Fifty-one

  Jesse and I were married at the courthouse five days later which gave me just enough time to buy a dress, choose some flowers and arrange a small dinner party at a downtown restaurant for our guests, which included Ellen, Diana and Jacob, her parents and her sister, Becky. Her brother Adam wasn’t able to attend because he lived in Australia, but he sent us a lovely antique clock for the new house.

  Under the circumstances, Jesse chose not to invite his parents or Rick, though I suggested it might be a good way to mend some fences. He said he would think about that in time, but he didn’t want anything to spoil our wedding day.

  As it turned out, I don’t believe anything could have spoiled it. It was a day filled with happiness, hope and blessings. We spent our wedding night at a nearby historic inn which was the extent of our honeymoon for the time being, though we planned to travel somewhere in the spring.

  A week later, we took possession of the blue house on the river and Jesse hired movers to take care of everything while I tried not to get worked up about my upcoming court date.

  * * *

  Thankfully the rash I’d noticed on my arm a few weeks earlier disappeared after a day or two and no other health issues arose to upset my wedding plans or the relocation to the new house. I continued to take all my medications and found a moderately strenuous walking trail not far from the house that led to a nearby playground—perfect for Ellen and me.

  I was busy the week of our move, unpacking boxes and organizing the kitchen while Jesse worked nights. It was exhausting but exciting and I probably tried to do more than I should have.

  “Are you feeling okay?” Jesse asked when we sat down to eat dinner, just the three of us. “You look tired. Your color’s not great.”

  “I am tired,” I replied as I fastened Ellen’s bib behind her neck, “but it’s the good kind. I haven’t been this busy since before I got sick and it’s nice to feel normal again.” I took a seat. “If someone had told me when they were wheeling me in for my surgery that a year later I’d be a married woman, I never would have believed it.” I gave Jesse a cheeky look. “And my word, this has introduced all sorts of new and exciting “activities” into my daily routine.”

  He pointed a finger at me. “Behave. There’s a child present. But seriously, you should still be careful. Why don’t we take it easy tonight? Those boxes can wait.”

  “All right.” I passed the green beans to him. “Want to watch a movie later?”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  * * *

  The sun shone brightly the following day, so I applied some sunscreen and took Ellen to the playground where we met some other young mothers from the neighborhood. Their children were about the same age as Ellen, which gave us lots to talk about. They shared all sorts of helpful information about activities for families in Waltham. We exchanged phone numbers and I returned home feeling confident that Jesse and I had made the right decision in buying this house and moving out of the city. Everything about the area seemed to fit with the person I had become.

  Ellen fell asleep in the stroller on the way home. I didn’t want to wake her, nor did I want to leave her in the yard because there were things I wanted to do inside. I knew I couldn’t keep an eye on her from the kitchen, so I carried the stroller up the steps with her in it.

  When I reached the top, I set her down and had some trouble catching my breath. I couldn’t seem to get enough air into my lungs and the all-too-familiar sensation sent me into a panic. My heart began to race and I had to sit down on the porch swing.

  I leaned forward, laid a hand over my heart and whispered, “Please God, don’t do this to me now.”

  I had to be in court in five days. Healthy. At the top of my game.

  Oh, what had I been thinking? I shouldn’t have carried the heavy stroller up the steps. I could have simply parked Ellen in the shade, set the brake and left her there until she woke up. I could have sat here on the swing with a book.

  I felt the urge to cough, and once it started, I couldn’t stop. Quickly, I checked beneath the hem of my loose-fitting jeans to examine my legs and ankles—because that was one of the symptoms I’d experienced during heart failure. Fluid had gathered in my lungs and caused my legs to swell.

  My body looked fine below the knees and eventually the cough settled, but my anxiety level remained high. I was overcome by a terrifying sense of doom. All the questions that had consumed me during my illness and recovery came hurling back to my mind.

  Why was this happening? What had I done to deserve it? Was the Grim Reaper obsessed with me? Was his nose out of joint because the surgeons at Mass General had sent him packing? Was he now following me in the shadows, waiting for his chance?

  Worst of all I began to ponder the possibility that I might not live as long as everyone expected. This could be it
for me. Maybe that’s why I was given this new heart and a second chance at life—so that I could be with Jesse and know what it felt like to be part of a real loving family, however briefly it lasted. Maybe this was to be my last hurrah.

  I shut my eyes and leaned back on the porch swing. Under any other circumstance, I would have called Dr. Reynolds immediately, but my court appearance was in five days. My medical records had to show that my prognosis was good. Now was not the time for my body to start rejecting this new heart.

  Chapter Fifty-two

  “I can’t believe how much I miss you,” Diana said when she popped by that evening to drop off an extra bedside table. She said she didn’t need it, which worked out well for Jesse and me because we only had one. At the present moment we were sharing a reading lamp that clipped onto the headboard.

  “I miss you, too,” I replied, holding the door open for her.

  Though I was tempted to take the table out of her hands, I forced myself to back out of her way instead. “You can set it down here. Jesse will take it upstairs when he gets home.”

  “No, no,” Diana replied. “I’ll take it up.” She plowed ahead to the staircase.

  Ellen was toddling around the living room, getting into things as usual. I couldn’t leave her, but I couldn’t carry her up the stairs either because I was trying not to exert myself, so I scooped her up and settled her in the activity center where I knew she’d be safe. She must have been tired because she didn’t object or throw a tantrum.

  I followed Diana up the stairs to my bedroom. She carried the table around the foot of the bed and set it down by the window.

  “The place looks great,” she said as she straightened and pushed her hair away from her face. “It’s gorgeous. Though you could use a new bedspread. This came from Jesse’s apartment?”