The Color of a Dream

by Julianne MacLean

  She looked to me for an answer.

  “Yeah, what can I say? He’s a guy.”

  She ran a hand over the navy blue fabric. “You should have something natural to sleep under. A hundred percent cotton is nice.”

  “I’ll look for something,” I replied.

  I showed her what I’d done to the upstairs bathroom and she loved the new shower curtain. She asked where I got it and I told her about a cute little boutique here in Waltham.

  “Let me know if you want to have a painting party,” she said. “Jacob and I could come over to help.”

  “We may take you up on that…after we get through next week.”

  Naturally I was referring to the court date, but I didn’t need to explain that to Diana.

  We returned to the living room where we found Ellen happily studying her fingers.

  “Want some tea?” I asked Diana.

  “Sure.”

  We moved into the kitchen and I plugged in the kettle.

  “How are you holding up?” she asked as she took a seat at the table.

  “Fine. Trying to stay positive.” I opened the cupboard to search for the green tea she liked best, but when I carried it to the table I stopped in my tracks because I saw the way she was looking at me. It wasn’t good.

  “What’s wrong? Do I have something on my face?”

  She frowned at me. “No, but something’s not right. Are you feeling okay?”

  A hot ball of panic exploded in my belly. “I’m fine.”

  “No you’re not, and I can tell when you’re lying to me. Are you sure you’re okay?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Honestly, I’m just worn out from the move.”

  I set the box of tea on the table and turned to fetch two mugs.

  “When’s your next appointment with Dr. Reynolds?” she asked.

  “I don’t know… Next month sometime.” I opened the cupboard door and stood on my tiptoes to reach the second shelf.

  Then I heard the sound of the chair legs scraping across the floor behind me and braced myself for more questions as I turned to face my twin.

  Her palm landed on my forehead. “You don’t have a fever,” she said. “No other symptoms?”

  “None,” I replied.

  “You’d tell me if there were.”

  “Of course.”

  Squinting doubtfully at me, she returned to her chair and sat down. “Okay then. Let’s talk about the court appearance. What do you plan to wear? I know it shouldn’t matter, but it does.”

  By now the kettle was boiling. I unplugged it and poured hot water into two mugs—and was grateful for the change of subject.

  Chapter Fifty-three

  Over the next few days, my inability to climb a flight of stairs without becoming winded continued to concern me—but on the upside, it didn’t get any worse. Nevertheless I was careful not to overexert myself. I avoided any strenuous walks with Ellen until I could see my doctor; I got plenty of rest and I tried not to foster undue anxieties about the court date.

  That was perhaps the most challenging component—but also the most important because it was crucial that I stay strong and mentally positive about the outcome.

  I also had to be realistic.

  When Diana came over to deliver the bedside table she prepared me for the most probable result of the custody case—that no judge in his right mind would deny Rick his rights as a father. Rick would be awarded custody, but at the same time, it was unlikely he would receive full custody. I was still Ellen’s mother and I was a darn good one. Of that, we were both confident.

  All the same, in the days leading up to Thursday, I had to resign myself to the fact that Rick, Christine, Jesse and I would be linked together forever as a family. Thanksgivings, Christmases, graduations and weddings… We would have to find a way to get along and I would have to share my precious daughter with others. After Thursday, she would no longer belong only to me. I would be required to consult Rick about many things, as he would be required to consult me.

  The night before the case came up in court, as I sat down for dinner with Jesse, I knew it was time to discuss what the future might hold.

  “I’ve made up my mind about something,” I said, “and I hope you’ll understand because what I want most is for this to go as smoothly as possible.”

  “That’s what I want, too,” he replied, passing me the salad bowl.

  Our eyes met across the table and I sensed he was referring to tomorrow’s events while I wanted to talk about the rest of our lives.

  Spooning some cucumbers and cherry tomatoes onto my plate, I soldiered on. “We both know that Rick will likely win some rights tomorrow, and if that happens, I’ll want to forge a new relationship with him and Christine. I know we’ve both been burned by him, but I think it would be best if we try to move past that.”

  Jesse set down his fork and stared at his plate. “I hope he doesn’t win anything, but if he does I’ll do my best.” Jesse’s eyes lifted. “And I’ll be doing it for you and for Ellen. Not for him.”

  “Thank you,” I replied, though it wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.

  What I really wanted was to enter this new chapter of my life with a positive outlook and assume the best, not the worst. I wanted to give Rick the benefit of the doubt.

  Given the circumstances, I had to believe there was some good in him… There must have been something that drew me in. Certainly, I’d made my share of foolish mistakes when it came to the men in my life, but there had to have been at least something sensible in our brief relationship. Something that was meant to be.

  I also believed Rick and I had something in common now, besides Ellen. He, too, had looked death in the eye and survived.

  Quietly, in my heart, I remained hopeful that he had been changed by that experience, despite what Jesse thought.

  I didn’t say any of that out loud, however, because I knew Jesse wouldn’t enjoy hearing it.

  In any case, I was about to see Rick again, in person for the first time since before Ellen was born. Jesse didn’t know this, but I fully intended to greet him with a warm smile, shake his hand and congratulate him on his engagement. I—perhaps more than anyone—appreciated the importance of new beginnings and second chances. I wanted to get off on the right foot.

  After supper, just before Jesse left for a night shift, he held me tight in the foyer and kissed me. “I’ll meet you at the courthouse in the morning,” he said, stroking my hair away from my face.

  “I love you,” I replied.

  “I love you, too.”

  When he opened the door a gust of wind blew into the house. A cold, hard rain came down sideways and the treetops swayed wildly.

  “Be careful tonight,” I said as I watched him pull his hood up over his head and dash down the stairs to the car. I couldn’t imagine flying a helicopter in weather like this.

  “Always!” he called out as he got in.

  I stood in the open doorway with my arms folded against the chilling damp breeze. Jesse started the engine. The headlights illuminated the dark yard as the wiper blades beat across the windshield.

  A moment later, he backed out of the driveway and the red taillights disappeared from view.

  Please be safe tonight…

  I shut the door and locked it, then went to lift Ellen out of her high chair. “Come with me little monkey. It’s time for your bath.”

  With my hands cupped around her tiny hips to keep her steady, I followed her up the stairs.

  When we reached the top, I had to stop and rest. Breathing was difficult.

  Chapter Fifty-four

  I woke to a terrible nightmare.

  Not a nightmare about flying through stormy weather, but a real life ordeal where I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs.

  Stricken with panic, I sat up in bed and fought to gulp in some oxygen. I coughed and wheezed and felt certain I was dying.

  The terror of such a thought paralyzed me. I’d suffered heart failure
before and I knew what it felt like. This was the same, only different. I felt more desperate and afraid because there was so much more to lose. A year ago it was just me. Alone. Now I had a beautiful life with Jesse and Ellen—and a court appearance in the morning to determine if I was fit enough to be her mother.

  Yet here I sat, unable to breathe, unable to lift Ellen out of her crib if she needed me.

  Swinging my legs to the floor and sitting up on the edge of the mattress, I turned on the light and willed myself to breathe deeply and calmly. By some miracle it seemed to help. I slid closer to the bedside table, picked up the phone, and dialed Jesse’s number.

  After four rings, his voicemail kicked in. I left a quick message. “Jesse, I’m not feeling so good. Please call me as soon as you get this.”

  Where was he? Not in the air I hoped because the wind and rain had so much force they rattled the windows.

  I hung up and called Diana. Thank God she picked up right away. “Hello?”

  “Hi, it’s me.” I was still fighting to breathe normally. “I’m at home and Jesse’s at work. I can’t reach him and I can’t breathe.”

  “Stay calm,” she said. “Did you call 911?”

  “Not yet, but I’ll do that as soon as we hang up. Can you come over here? Ellen’s asleep. I don’t know what’s going to happen and I need someone to be here just in case.”

  “I’m on my way,” she replied. “I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

  “Thank you.” I hung up and immediately dialed 911. Then I noticed the rash on my arm was back.

  Chapter Fifty-five

  I have no idea what happened after I spoke to the dispatcher. All I remember is describing my symptoms and giving her my address. She told me help was on the way.

  The next thing I knew I was lying flat on my back, a siren was wailing, there was an oxygen mask over my face, and I was bumping along on a gurney, staring up at the roof of an ambulance.

  I blinked a few times and struggled to make out what was happening. I didn’t even know what day it was.

  “Welcome back,” the female paramedic said, leaning over me. “You gave us quite a scare.”

  Maybe it was a common reaction for a heart transplant recipient, but I was keenly focused on the physical organ inside my chest. Was it working okay? I swore I could feel it pumping blood to all my extremities. I could hear the sound of it in my ears.

  Surely that was a good sign. Or maybe I was too aware of it. Not relaxed enough. I needed to calm down.

  “I had a heart transplant,” I managed to explain from beneath the oxygen mask.

  “We know,” the paramedic replied with a smile. “We saw the scar and we’ve already spoken to Dr. Reynolds. He’s on duty tonight and we’re taking you to Mass General right now.”

  “Not Waltham?” I asked.

  “No,” she replied distractedly as she checked a monitor.

  The fogginess in my head began to clear as a new wave of panic washed over me. “Where’s my daughter?”

  “Your daughter’s fine,” the paramedic replied.

  “Is she here?” I tried to sit up but discovered I was strapped down.

  The paramedic leaned over me. “Just try to relax. Everything’s going to be fine.”

  My heart was racing. Surely alarm bells were going to start ringing everywhere!

  “Nothing’s fine,” I told her. “I need to know where my daughter is and I have to be somewhere in the morning. It’s important.”

  “I don’t think you’ll be going anywhere,” the paramedic said with an easy smile, as if I only had plans to take in a sale at Filene’s.

  “You don’t understand,” I pleaded. “I can’t be sick right now and I need to know where Ellen is.”

  I tried to pull the oxygen mask off my face, but felt lightheaded and passed out before I could say anything more.

  Chapter Fifty-six

  “Who are you?” I asked incredulously as I pulled my hand from the man’s grasp. “Let go of me.”

  “Don’t worry,” he gently said. “Just try to relax. Everything’s going to be fine.”

  I was really tired of hearing that. I’d heard it too many times over the past year.

  “This can’t be happening.” I stared pleadingly into his eyes. “I have to be in court tomorrow and I need to be healthy. If there’s something wrong with my heart, can’t we fix it on Friday? Please, for the love of God. I promise I’ll come back. I’ll be here first thing in the morning, but you can’t keep me here, and please don’t medicate me. I need to be coherent. What time is it?”

  Some mad impulse compelled me to look down at the road beneath me, and I realized I was flying. In a dream state.

  “Oh God!”

  Suddenly I became aware of the wind and rain in my face.

  Terrified that I was going to crash like a dive bomber into the ground, I reached for the man’s hand. He linked his whole forearm around mine and steadied me.

  “Relax,” he said, sounding almost amused. “You know how to do this.”

  Of course I knew. I’d flown many times in my dreams, but lately I’d come to believe Jesse was manning the controls.

  “Am I dreaming?” I asked.

  “Yes,” he replied.

  “Where’s Jesse?” I asked. “Is he all right? The weather’s not good. He shouldn’t be flying.”

  “I’m sorry, I don’t know,” the stranger said.

  “You don’t know him?”

  Why I thought this man would know my husband or have some knowledge of his whereabouts was a mystery. Clearly I was out of my mind.

  “What about Ellen?” I asked next. “The last thing I remember I was calling 911 and she was asleep in her crib. I shouldn’t be out here.”

  “She’s fine,” the man assured me. “Your sister is with her.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “I just do. Now you need to relax. That’s the most important thing.”

  I frowned at him. “Who are you?”

  “Alexander,” he said.

  I looked him over from head to foot and then the dream ended abruptly. At least I think that’s where it ended. I couldn’t remember anything else.

  Chapter Fifty-seven

  I woke to the sound of a heart monitor beeping steadily and the sterile antiseptic scents of the hospital—all so very familiar.

  My eyes fluttered open. Everything was a blur. The world slowly came into focus.

  “Ellen?” I still had no idea where she was or where I was. Then I remembered my dream. Was Diana with her?

  “Honey…” Jesse leaned over me and kissed my forehead. “Thank God you’re all right.”

  “Am I?” I wasn’t entirely sure if this was real. My head still felt fuzzy. I was groggy and confused. “Is it morning?” I glanced toward the window and saw daylight.

  “It’s the afternoon, actually,” he explained, cupping my cheek in his palm.

  I stared up at him with concern. “Did you fly last night? I was so worried.”

  “No,” he replied. “It was a miracle we didn’t get any calls.”

  Pushing the dream from my mind, I struggled to focus on the present. “What about my court appearance? Did I miss it?” The beeps on the heart monitor began to accelerate as my stomach churned with nervous knots. “Please tell me Diana was able to reschedule it.”

  Just then Diana walked into the room with Ellen in her arms. I let out a sharp breath of relief when I saw my baby.

  “Ellen…”

  “You’re awake,” Diana said. “Thank heavens.”

  Ellen reached out with her pudgy little hand. “Mumma.”

  “Hi sweetie. I missed you!” It took all the strength I possessed to convey an air of health and happiness when I still found it immensely difficult to breathe, and I was anxious about what had happened to me. Was I in heart failure again? I still didn’t know. “Come over here and give me a hug.”

  Diana carried her to my bedside.

  Carefully I sat up and
was able to wrap my arms around my darling little angel. For a long moment, I held her close and celebrated the fact that my heart, despite all its failings and weaknesses, was swelling with love. It flooded my whole body with warmth and gratitude. I didn’t want to let go of Ellen, but I knew I couldn’t hug her forever.

  “I’m happy to see you,” I whispered in her ear and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Why don’t you lie down here?” I patted the bed beside me and she snuggled down.

  My bed was propped up so I was not lying flat, but I could still feel an uncomfortable pressure on my chest and I wanted to cough.

  When Ellen spotted the IV tube sticking out of the back of my hand, she reached for it. I quickly raised my hand over my head.

  “We can’t touch that,” I gently explained. “It’s called an IV tube. It feeds me medicine.”

  “IB toob,” she repeated before laying her head back down on my shoulder.

  I waited for her to settle down, then I looked up at Jesse and Diana.

  “What happened this morning?” I asked them. “Obviously I missed being in court.”

  Diana turned to Jesse. “Why don’t you take Ellen downstairs to the cafeteria for a few minutes?”

  “Yeah.” He approached the bed, lifted Ellen into his arms and gave me a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll be back in a little while.” He encouraged Ellen to wave as they walked out. “Say bye to mommy.”

  None of this was helping my current state of unease.

  “Please tell me what’s going on,” I said to Diana as soon as we were alone.

  She sat down in the chair beside the bed and took hold of my hand. “This isn’t going to be easy for you to hear. You’re going to have to be strong.”

  “You’re scaring me.”

  “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to, but there’s no easy way to say this. It didn’t go well this morning. The judge refused to reschedule and he based his decision on the fact that you weren’t well enough to be there today.”