Tainted Love

by Michelle Betham

  I don’t love Summer.

  I love Joss.

  I love my wife…

  20

  Joss

  It’s almost five-thirty, and I should be at home now, getting ready for Summer’s book launch. We need to leave for the hotel at seven, but I’m up to my eyes in work, had to stay behind to clear at least some of the backlog, and having to cover a sixth form history class at the last minute didn’t help matters, so, I’m running a little late.

  “Hey. You still here?”

  “I could ask you the same question.”

  Connor shrugs and leans back against the wall, his hands in his pockets. “I’m always here at this time. Very rarely leave before six.”

  “Well, I admire your work ethic, but I’m running hideously late. I’ve got to get home, get changed, and get myself down to the Quayside for seven-thirty. My friend’s launching her new book tonight. Her publisher’s throwing her a bit of a party, at the Fallows Hotel.”

  “No expense spared there, then.”

  I look at him, raising my eyebrows. “You know it?”

  “Stayed there for a couple of nights when I first moved up here. While I was waiting for the house sale to go through.”

  “Then you’ll know that I can’t turn up to a party there in these clothes, so, I need to go call a taxi.”

  “Sam not with you?”

  “Sam went home an hour ago, and he took the car, that’s why I need to call a taxi. I sent him home, he needs way more time than me to get ready.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. I can throw on a dress, shove some product through my hair and slap on my make-up in ten minutes. I’m an expert at speed dressing.”

  It’s his turn to raise an eyebrow, a slight smirk on his face. Yeah. He really is one good-looking guy, almost movie-star hot. No wonder he’s got a vast majority of the female students – and at least half the staff – fawning over him.

  “I’ll run you home, if you like.”

  “You don’t mind?”

  “We hardly live miles apart, do we?”

  “Okay, thanks. That’d be great.”

  “Come into my office for a second. I just need to put some papers away then I’m good to go.”

  I follow him into the now deserted outer office, through to his own office, and I watch him as he slides files into the drawers of his desk, checks his phone and makes sure his computer is shut down.

  “All done.”

  He looks at me, and he’s smiling, and again he’s making me want to smile too. I feel almost lighter when I’m alone with this man, like a weight has been lifted off me. A weight I wasn’t even aware I was carrying. Until now. Until a few days ago. Until I was forced to think about my life, what I’d done with it. Where it’s heading.

  “You look tired.”

  “Yeah. Thanks for that. Just what a girl wants to hear when she’s about to do a spit and polish quick fix make-up job. Looks like I’ll be needing a touch more concealer, huh?”

  He drops his head, runs his hand along the back of his neck. And then he looks up and throws me an almost apologetic smile. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “I know you didn’t. I’m just messing. I feel tired. It’s been a long day.”

  “And you have to go to this party tonight, do you?”

  “Summer’s one of my closest friends. She’s almost like a sister to me, so, yes, I have to go to this party.”

  He walks out from behind his desk, comes over to me, and I instinctively back up against the wall. And my heart, it’s suddenly hammering out an almost uneven rhythm, its heavy thudding fills my ears, I’m surprised he can’t hear it too.

  “I’d better get you home, then.”

  I take a deep breath, look up into his eyes, and it’s like I’m suddenly being yanked back from reality, pushed forward into some place I haven’t been before, a place I’m not familiar with, but then, I’m not familiar with anything except this school. And the people in it.

  Sam.

  Alex.

  Millers Bridge.

  Safe. Secure. My future’s mapped out, thanks to this school.

  Safety.

  Security.

  It happens so quickly, too quickly, I almost can’t breathe as his mouth touches mine, the taste of him sending a million lightning bolts shooting through me, sparks of electricity fizzing through my veins. I’m aware of the books I’m carrying dropping to the floor, and that’s what pulls me back from the brink of whatever the hell that was.

  I place a hand on his chest, gently push him away, and he steps back. He drops his head, rubs his neck again.

  “I should be going. I don’t want to be late for the party.”

  He looks up, his eyes meeting mine. He’s as confused as I am. I don’t think either of us really know what just happened there. But I do know I’m scared, of what I felt. It was brief, but it was powerful. It was real, and that’s what scares me.

  “Joss, I’m sorry, I…”

  “It’s okay.”

  Is it? It is really okay?

  “I don’t know what happened, I… I don’t know, I – I’m sorry.”

  “So am I. And now I really need to go.” I do, need to go. I need to forget this happened, I need to step back into that safe, secure world I’ve built for myself. Whatever this was – whatever it was going to turn into, it’s not happening. It’s over. Done. “I think it’s best I get that taxi now.”

  “Joss…”

  “I’ll see you in the morning, Connor.”

  I have to go.

  I have a life to get back to.

  A safe, secure, happy life…

  21

  Summer

  “Where’s Joss?”

  Sam’s alone, I can’t see Joss anywhere. Is she not with him?

  “Joss got held up at school, she’s on her way. She’s just running a bit late, that’s all. Look, Summer, can we talk?”

  “Now?” We’re in the middle of my launch party, we’re surrounded by people, and he wants to talk?

  “Yes. Now.”

  He jerks his head in the direction of the hotel foyer, and I follow him outside.

  “Have you said anything to Joss?”

  “About what?”

  “About us.”

  “Of course I haven’t! Jesus, Sam, come on. You really think I’d do that?”

  He drags a hand back through his hair, dropping his gaze. “No. No, I don’t, it’s just that – she’s been a bit distant. Not quite herself. And I just assumed…”

  “You just assumed that I’d told her I was fucking her husband?”

  He raises his head, his eyes locking on mine. Why do I feel like he’s about to tell me something?

  “This has to end, Summer. Now. Tonight. It ends. I can’t do it anymore, it’s too dangerous. And I don’t want to hurt Joss. I love her…”

  “You don’t love me.”

  It’s not a question. And even if it was it would be a rhetorical one.

  He shakes his head, and I feel my stomach clench, twist itself up into a tight knot.

  “It was never about love, Summer. We knew that.”

  “Just a bit of fun, huh?”

  He frowns slightly. “I thought you understood. I thought you knew the rules…”

  “Rules?” I back up against the wall, I feel sick. “Your timing is really off, Sam.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry, that I had to do this tonight. But I don’t think putting it off is a good idea. We need to end it now, before Joss finds out…”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  I watch his expression change, his eyes darken; I watch as his entire world comes crashing down around him.

  “Pregnant?”

  “And before you ask, yes, it’s yours.”

  He takes a step back, shakes his head, it’s like I’ve just kicked him hard in the gut. And I guess I have, metaphorically.

  “You’re lying. You’re just doing this, saying this to make me stay
with you…”

  “Don’t flatter yourself, Sam. You seriously think I’d lie about something like this? I’m sleeping with my best friend’s husband, I’m pregnant with his baby! Joss she – she’s been in my life since I was eighteen years old, we’re like family, and I’ve betrayed her. You’ve betrayed her… Jesus! This is a fucking mess…”

  “Are you keeping it?”

  “I don’t know what I’m doing yet, I only did the test this morning, and what with everything that’s happening today… I need to get back inside.”

  I turn to go, but he grabs my wrist, swings me back around to face him. “We need to talk about this, Summer.”

  “Yes. We do. But I don’t think now’s the time to do that. Do you?”

  He lets go of me, and I head back to my party. I shouldn’t have told him tonight but he forced my hand, he made me go there. He wanted to end it, but he can’t do that. Not now. I can’t let him do that. The game’s changed, and he’s just going to have to get used to that.

  I’m having my best friend’s husband’s baby. My best friend. The woman who can’t have children of her own. And I love Joss, I do, I love her. The last thing I want to do is hurt her.

  I love her.

  But I love her husband more.

  22

  Sam

  I feel like someone’s just punched me, hard. So hard I can’t breathe.

  “Hey, Sam… Is everything okay? You look a little flustered.”

  Alex Olsson. My wife’s best friend. Her brother, in all but name. Tall, blond and ridiculously good-looking, he stands out from the crowd, as he always does, in a dark-grey suit and black shirt, those piercing blue eyes of his oozing his own brand of Scandinavian charm.

  “Everything’s fine. I’m just wondering where Joss is, she should be here by now.”

  “She didn’t come with you?”

  “She was held up at school. Told me to go on without her. Said she’d meet us here.”

  He checks his watch. Alex worries about Joss way too much. I understand that they’re close, I get that, but he can be a little too over-protective of her sometimes.

  “I’ll go give her a call,” he says, striding back outside, his phone to his ear.

  I’m relieved he’s gone, I need a minute. Summer’s pregnant. With my baby. It’s the worst-case scenario, the ultimate nightmare. The price I’ve now got to pay for my infidelity?

  I drop my head, slide my hands into my pockets, I try to breathe. I need to be composed, I need to be calm when Joss gets here. I need Summer to be the same, I need her to keep this quiet, say nothing, until we’ve talked.

  Throwing my head back I let out a long, low sigh, one laden with frustration. Regret. Anger. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid! She was supposed to be on the fucking pill, and I’m so used to the fact Joss can’t conceive that using condoms isn’t something I do, even with Summer. Because she told me she was on the pill.

  Joss can’t conceive. I close my eyes and remember the day she was told that news – the day we were told that news. The pain on her beautiful face when she realised she’d never be a mother. We’d never be parents. I guess that’s why she’s so close to Danny, more so since his mum fucked off to Denmark. Why she’s so close to Savvi. Why she’s thrown herself into her job, why she loves Millers Bridge so much – those students are like her surrogate kids. And I can’t believe what I’ve done to her. If she finds out about this, about me and Summer; about the baby, it’s over. I lose her. I lose my wife. I lose the woman I love. And I’m not ready to do that. I’m not ready to lose her…

  23

  Joss

  Slamming the taxi door shut I run towards the hotel entrance, which isn’t easy in the stupidly high heels I’ve decided to wear tonight. But they were the first things I grabbed from the wardrobe when I got dressed for this party, in record-quick time. Shower, hair, make-up, dress change, all done in less than thirty minutes. And I hadn’t been banking on the shower, but after what happened with Connor…

  “Hey, slow down.”

  I stop just as I reach the revolving doors of the Fallows Hotel. Alex is outside, his phone to his ear. “What are you doing out here?”

  “Calling you. Can’t you hear your phone ringing?”

  I look down at my bag, the faint sound of a ring tone just about audible above the traffic noise. “Why are you calling me? I’m here now.”

  “You weren’t five minutes ago. What kept you?”

  “I’m snowed under at school, Alex. I stayed behind to try and get a head start on marking some of those Year Nine projects. I just lost track of time. Is Sam here?”

  “He’s inside.”

  He looks at me, his eyes narrowing slightly.

  “You all right?”

  “Of course I’m all right. I’m just exhausted, trying to get ready in under half an hour and get myself here on time. Is Summer okay? Is everything going to plan?”

  “I’ve only just got here myself. Had to wait for Danny to get ready.”

  “How is my handsome nephew? I didn’t see much of him in school today.”

  “He’s good. If not a little distracted.”

  “Distracted?”

  “I think he might have a few women problems.”

  “A few?” I raise an eyebrow as we head inside, linking my arm through Alex’s as we walk. “Women, or problems?”

  Alex smiles and gives my arm a quick squeeze. “The last thing he needs is more than one woman, in fact, the last thing he needs is any woman right now. Not with his A-Levels looming.”

  “Didn’t you ask him straight?”

  “He wasn’t in the mood for conversation. I got a couple of monosyllabic responses on the taxi ride here, but apart from that he’s not giving much away.”

  “I’ll keep an eye on him. He’ll talk to me.”

  We stop just outside the room where Summer’s book launch is taking place, and I frown slightly as Alex looks at me. Can he tell? What I’ve done? What have I done? It was a kiss, that’s all it was. It was just a kiss… Just a kiss?

  “You look tired, Joss.”

  “That’s because I am. But, you know, it’s nothing a double gin and tonic won’t fix.” I lean in to kiss his cheek. “I’d better go find Summer. I’ll see you later.”

  I start to make my way through the crowds of people, craning my neck to find Summer, and then I see her, over by a huge placard sporting an oversized image of her new book cover, next to another placard displaying an oversized image of my friend. The bestselling author. I’m so proud of her, it was her dream, to write. To paint. To create. My wonderful, idealistic friend. We’ve known each other since we were eighteen years old. Over twenty-one years. She’s more like a sister to me than a friend, and I love her, as though she were my sister.

  She spots me approaching, her face breaking into a smile as she makes her way towards me, enveloping me in a big hug. She smells of patchouli and incense, a comforting smell. She smells of home. It’s a safe smell. In my safe world. A world I, for one fleeting moment, almost put at risk.

  “I was worried you weren’t coming.”

  “Like I was going to miss your big night. You look incredible, by the way.” And she does, look incredible, in a flowing Monsoon dress and flat sandals, her dark curls piled high on top of her head. Looks-wise, we’re like polar opposites. She’s dark haired and brown eyed, I’m white-blonde and ice-blue. But we’d clicked the second we met, at Freshers’ week. Our first week at university. We’d got talking one night, by lunchtime the next day we’d become best friends, and that’s the way it’s stayed.

  Best friends.

  Forever.

  “Have you seen Sam?” I ask, looking around for my husband. I need to see him. I need to see Sam.

  “He’s here somewhere… Look, Joss, I’ve got to go and talk to Candice, but, I’ll see you in a bit. Okay?”

  I frown slightly, she seemed a little distracted there. “Yeah. Okay.” But I shrug it off. It’s a big night for her, sh
e’s got a lot going on.

  I head over to the bar, and that’s where I find Sam. He’s nursing a whisky and looking a bit sorry for himself.

  “Hey, handsome.”

  I nudge him gently and he looks at me, his face slowly breaking into a smile, almost as if he had to remind himself to do that. To smile at me. “Hey.”

  He leans over to kiss me, and I close my eyes and hope he can’t taste Connor on me. I can still taste Connor. I can still feel him, and that scares me.

  “You look amazing,” Sam whispers as he leans in closer, his hand sliding around until it cups my bottom, squeezing it gently. Is he drunk? He certainly isn’t sober.

  I take his hand and pull it away, and I don’t miss his slightly hurt expression. But this isn’t the time or the place to be acting like a couple of horny teenagers.

  “How much have you had?”

  He indicates to the barman to refill his glass, and I look at him. There’s something wrong, I can tell. He’s on edge, and he’s drinking, a lot.

  “Not enough,” he replies. And then I watch his body language change, his whole demeanor change, it’s like he’s just realised something; flicked a switch. “Sorry, Joss. Baby, I’m sorry, I’m just exhausted. It’s been a bad day, that’s all.”

  “Tell me about it,” I sigh, leaning back against the bar. Savvi’s on the dancefloor, looking happy and relaxed as she and her friend mouth the words to ABBA’s Dancing Queen, arms up high in the air, hips swaying in time to the music.

  I can feel Sam’s eyes on me, and I turn my head to look at him.

  “You had a bad day, too?” he asks, sipping his whisky. I suspect he downed the previous few he’s already had before I arrived.

  “A long one.” One that ended in a way I’m trying to forget. I want to forget Connor Sloane kissed me. I want to forget that, for one very brief moment, I enjoyed it.

  “Do you know what we need?”

  I raise my head, my eyes meeting Sam’s. “No. What do we need?”