Tainted Love

by Michelle Betham

  63

  Summer

  Ignoring my calls, not answering my texts, that’s fine. For now. I expected this reaction. But it’s out there now, the truth. Sam can’t stay away forever, he has commitments. We’re having a baby together, something I know he’s always wanted. Joss couldn’t give him that, I can. I am. I’m giving him the family I know he’s always craved, so he’ll come to me. Eventually. Once he’s got her out of his system. Once she rejects him for good, because she will. I know she will. And maybe I misjudged Sam’s opinion of his wife. I thought him finding out about her and Connor would taint her for good, in his eyes. I was wrong. So this fight might just be a little harder than I first anticipated, but I will win. It’s just going to take a little more time, that’s all.

  Joss Coburn.

  Beautiful.

  Clever.

  Perfect.

  You had it all, Joss, didn’t you? You had everything.

  I do feel guilty, for what I’ve done. I didn’t sleep much last night because of the guilt, I can’t forget how close we were, for such a long time. Twenty-one years. You don’t forget twenty-one years of friendship like it never happened. So, yes, guilt keeps me awake. Guilt grants me no more than a couple of hours sleep a night. Guilt is going to hit me for a little while longer yet, but at the same time I can’t feel guilty for loving Sam. We don’t choose who we fall in love with, it’s all down to fate, and I believe in fate. So, it isn’t my fault, what happened. I didn’t choose to break up a marriage, I didn’t set out to wreck my friend’s life.

  I didn’t set out to wreck anyone’s life.

  I didn’t.

  But I have…

  64

  Joss

  He seems a little preoccupied, and I want to ask him why, but I don’t. I didn’t come here to talk about what’s going on in my life, or his. I came here to forget all of that, just for a while.

  “So, you’re heading to Sweden for the weekend?”

  I look at him and smile. “Yes. Just me and Alex. A little best friend time.”

  “Are you going back to Gothenburg?”

  “We’ll go there first, go see our parents. But after that we’re heading over to one of the archipelagos. An island called Hönö Klåva. We used to go there a lot as kids, and it’s become a place we always try and find time to visit when we go home.”

  “You call Sweden home?”

  “And yet, I’ve lived here, in the UK, for the greater part of my life. Seems odd, right?”

  He smiles, almost apologetically, and he drops his gaze. But it was a fair statement. I have started to call Sweden home, because here is ceasing to feel like home anymore. Here feels like a painful, alien place to be, thanks to my husband’s infidelity; my friend’s heartbreaking betrayal. And that will probably ease in time, maybe, I don’t know. Right now, everything’s too raw, and I’m too angry to feel anything other than hurt.

  “Sweden will always be my home, Connor.”

  He raises his gaze and his eyes meet mine. He has beautiful eyes. Eyes that seem to stare right into your very soul. “Do you think you’ll ever go back there, to live?”

  “I don’t know.”

  A couple of days ago I would’ve said no. A couple of days ago I had no intention of changing my life in any major way. A couple of days ago I thought I was happily married. I thought I was happy, period. I was wrong.

  He holds my gaze, and I don’t want to look away. This man, he calms me. Everyone else is too close, too involved, they can’t calm me like this man can. Because he doesn’t know what I’m going through, not yet, and he will know, eventually. He’ll have to. When I get back from Sweden I’m seeing my lawyer and I’m going to start divorce proceedings. I’m going back to using my maiden name, so even the students are going to know Sam and I are no longer a couple. Mrs Coburn is going to become Miss Engström again in the blink of an eye, just like that, because it’s what I want. What I need. So, Connor will have to know. But not now. Not this weekend, not tonight.

  “What’s happened, Joss?”

  I wasn’t expecting any questions, that’s not why I came here. But he’s still looking at me, he’s still staring deep into my eyes and I think he genuinely cares.

  “Sam and I have separated,” I whisper. He can know this much, but I’m not giving him the full story, not yet. Not when I’m still getting my own head around it.

  His expression changes to shock, and then concern, but I don’t need his concern. I don’t want it.

  “Separated? I mean… why? What’s – what’s happened? I thought you two were… You seemed so…”

  “Happy?” I laugh, looking down into my almost empty glass. “Yeah. I thought that too.” I raise my gaze, locking eyes with him once more. “But sometimes you don’t see what’s right there in front of you.”

  He says nothing to that. Neither of us do. We let the silence do the talking, and we’re both listening.

  Sometimes you don’t see what’s right in front of you.

  And sometimes you do.

  And you act on it…

  65

  Alex

  “Is Joss okay, Dad?”

  I hand the pizza box to Danny as he slides up onto a stool at the breakfast bar. “She’s fine. Nothing for you to worry about.”

  He opens the box, takes out a slice of pizza and bites off a huge mouthful. “You see, whenever you say that – whenever you say it’s nothing for me to worry about, it usually means something’s wrong. I’m not stupid, Dad. You said exactly the same thing when Mum left.”

  I sigh quietly, checking the time on the clock on the wall. Joss and I have a nine-thirty flight tonight, which will see us land at Göteborg Landvetter Airport in the early hours, followed by a drive to my mum and dad’s. We’re staying there overnight, then having a big family brunch on Saturday morning with Joss’s parent’s before we head over to Hönö Klåva in the afternoon. We’re going to be tired, but the inset day on Monday means we get a three-day weekend, so one very late night isn’t going to be a problem. But I haven’t heard from her since I saw her in school at lunchtime. She hasn’t called, or left a text, I’m a little worried. We need to be at the airport in an hour.

  “So?”

  I look back at Danny. He’s going to be affected by all of this too, the fallout is going to hit so many people.

  “Why are you and Joss going over to Sweden this weekend?”

  “We haven’t been to see your grandparents for a long time. Not the two of us, together, on our own.”

  “That the only reason?” Danny asks through a mouthful of pizza. He’s not stupid, my son. He’s quite perceptive, when he wants to be. “Only, you’ve got that look on your face, the same one you had when you were trying to tell me about Mum.”

  “Like I said, Danny, it’s nothing for you to worry about.”

  “So, something is wrong, huh?”

  “Seriously, Danny, just drop it. Okay? When there’s something you need to know, I’ll tell you.”

  He shrugs and picks up another slice of pizza just as the doorbell rings. “I’ll get it.” He slides down from the stool and runs out into the hall.

  I sigh again and check my phone. Again. There’s a message there now. From Joss. She won’t be long, she’s just running a bit behind. She’ll meet me at the airport. I don’t know whether that makes me feel better or not but I guess I’ll just have to take it.

  “It’s only Savvi.” Danny returns to the kitchen with Savvi in tow. “You hungry, Sav?”

  She slides up onto the stool next to Danny and helps herself to some pizza. It’s nice that the two of them are the best of friends. Sometimes they remind me of me and Joss. I like the fact they can talk to each other. I like knowing he has a close friend he can turn to, if he can’t turn to me.

  “You okay, Savvi?”

  She looks at me and smiles, but it’s a weak one. I think she looks tired. A little upset.

  “Yeah. I’m fine. I just came over to see if Danny wanted to han
g out. Thought he might be lonely, what with you going away for the weekend.”

  “Everything all right at home?” I have to ask, although, all that question does is alert my son to the fact something really must be wrong now, and it appears to stretch farther than just his aunt seeming a bit down.

  “Everything’s fine. Mum’s just feeling a little under the weather, thinks she’s caught some bug or other and I didn’t much fancy catching it too.”

  “Well, you’re always welcome here, you know that. As long as you don’t stay out too late. Okay? Does your mum know where you are?”

  She nods, reaching over for the bottle of Diet Pepsi on the counter.

  “All right, well, I’d better go make sure I’m all packed.”

  I leave them to it, I’m not worried about leaving them alone. I know Danny still has a bit of a crush on Savvi, but they’ll be fine. They’re both sensible kids. Will they still be those sensible, level-headed teenagers when they find out the mess the adults around them have created?

  For a second I wonder if going away this weekend is such a good idea. But I think I have to go, we have to go. Me and Joss. We need to get away from here for a little while.

  We need to be alone.

  The two of us.

  Me, and my beautiful best friend…

  66

  Connor

  God forgive me for doing this, for going there, a place I’d vowed not to go to because I thought I couldn’t. I think I can. I don’t need the complication, but I think I need the distraction. And I think she needs it too.

  We left the pub, we went back home – her home. The home she used to share with Sam, until something happened to tear them apart, and I don’t know what that was. Is. I didn’t ask, I’m not going to, but whatever it is she’s turned to me. And whatever she needs, she can have it. I’ll give her anything she wants, and I’ll do it willingly.

  She stands in the doorway, all blue eye and blonde hair, like the saddest, most beautiful Scandinavian princess. Whatever Sam did, she’s hurting. I can see pain in her eyes, pain mixed with anger, confusion, which is probably what’s led her to this. To me. I could be nothing more than a revenge fuck, in fact, I know that’s all I am. All this is, but I’ll take that. Because I need to feel her. I’ve never wanted to be inside a woman so bad, so much the anticipation is painful.

  I go over to her, stand in front of her, and for a second or two we just look at each other, we’re making sure it’s okay. That we’re both good with this, whatever it is. I just want to touch her, everywhere, inside and out, I want to feel her. It’s too much now.

  She doesn’t move her eyes from mine as she slowly slips her dress down, steps out of it; kicks it away and, Jesus, my cock’s on red alert as I’m met with a body so fucking hot I can’t believe she’s real.

  “What did he do, Joss?” I whisper, because the man must be an idiot, a real first-class dick to lose this woman.

  “He threw me away,” she replies, and my eyes fall to her breasts as she unclips her bra, tosses it to the floor and I’m done now. I need to touch her, feel her skin against mine.

  She reaches out, pulls me to her, so close her mouth almost touches mine, and she smiles.

  “His loss,” she murmurs, and then her mouth closes in on mine and I’m kissing her, a real kiss this time. A kiss we both want. A kiss we both feel, it’s sending shit coursing through my body I’ve never fucking felt before. I don’t think this woman has any idea what she’s really capable of; what she’s doing to me.

  I grab hold of her hip, yank her panties down, plunge my hand between her legs because I am fucking dying here. She’s warm and wet and as soon as my fingers touch her I feel an overwhelming relief flood me. She isn’t fighting this, she wants this just as much as I do.

  I dip my head, suck on a nipple, I taste her, and I want her even more. I’m ready to fucking explode, I need to let go now, so I lift her up, feel her legs wrap around me as I thrust into her. She feels like velvet, her muscles massaging my cock with every thrust, it’s all I can do not to come straight away. It’s crazy, the emotions kicking up inside of me as I fuck her hard, I think we both have our own frustration we’re desperate to get out here. She’s clawing at my skin, screaming out her own pain, she’s gripping me so tight inside of her she’s going to squeeze the fucking cum out of me. I can’t hold on much longer, she’s killing me here, and as her muscles spasm around my cock one more time I let the explosion happen, feel wave after wave of pure pleasure wash over me. She bucks and jerks in my arms, pushes herself onto me, hips slamming against hips, Jesus, it’s never-ending! I can’t stop coming, and she keeps squeezing, keeps closing those muscles around me and I’m still spilling out inside of her. It’s messing with my head, but I’ve never felt anything like it before. I’ve never had sex like it, before.

  And I’m done. Almost as quickly as it happened it stops. I’m empty, there’s nothing left, she’s squeezed me dry. Her fingers stroke the back of my neck, her breath hot and heavy on my skin, and I reach down to touch her. She’s still wet, she’s soaking, and she gasps as I run my fingers over her, she hasn’t come yet. I need to make her come…

  67

  Joss

  He takes hold of my hips, lowers me down, and I widen my stance, spread my legs as he sinks to his haunches, his fingers digging into my flesh as he buries his head between my thighs.

  I can’t stop the long, deep groan of pleasure from escaping as his tongue starts to explore, starts to lick and probe and I wind my fingers in his hair, I keep him there, because he is giving me everything I need to forget my lying, cheating, son-of-a-bitch husband. Yes, this is a revenge fuck, it was never intended to be anything else, but it’s the least I deserve. In fact, the only thing that would make this even better was if Sam could see what Connor’s doing to me. If he could see another man with his tongue inside me, his fingers, inside me. His cock, deep, deep inside me. I want him to fucking see that, and feel the same pain I feel every time I think of him and Summer together. I want him to hurt like I’m hurting, I won’t settle until I make that happen.

  Connor’s fingers dig hard into my thighs before he slides them around, spreads me wider, opens me up, and I cry out again as his tongue delves inside me. I push my hips against him, cover my breasts with my hands, my nipples rock hard against my palms as he licks me dry, swallows me down, I’m coming now, I’m coming so hard and so fast it’s making me dizzy. My whole body shakes with a force so brutal I have to grab onto him to steady myself. My knees weaken with every spasm, my skin feels like it’s on fire, and even when it’s over, when I’m done, it takes a few minutes before the effects begin to lessen.

  He stands up, slides a hand around the back of my neck and he pulls me down for a kiss. And that kiss allows me to taste myself on his lips, it’s the most erotic thing I have ever done, have sex with a man I barely know. Like this. A man I work with. I work with this man…

  The reality of what I’ve done slowly starts to creep in, and I pull back from him. I look into his eyes, but I’m seeing no regret in them.

  “Don’t say you’re sorry,” he whispers. “Don’t say that. I don’t want you to be sorry. This is a rebound fuck, I get that, and I don’t want you to be sorry. Okay? Because I’m not. I’m not fucking sorry that happened. And I mean that, this time.” He cups my breast, runs a thumb lightly over my nipple, and all the time his eyes never leave mine. “Don’t be sorry, Joss.”

  His mouth touches mine again, so gently I almost don’t feel it happen, but with that touch comes a shot of electricity so fierce and so real; I feel that.

  I touch his cheek, let my fingers run gently over his jaw line, his beard rough beneath them and my breath catches in my throat as he leans in to kiss my neck.

  “I’m not sorry,” I gasp, burying my fingers in his hair as he dips his head, kisses my breasts, I needed this so much tonight.

  And then he looks at me, and he smiles, and I feel a million and one confusing emotions clashing inside
me. This was an escape. A moment of beautiful freedom, from the shit I’ve still yet to face.

  “I’ll see you next week.” He smiles again as he slowly lets me go, pulls himself together; grabs his jacket from the back of the couch and heads for the door. “At work.”

  I lean back against the wall, and I watch him leave; watch as he turns back around to face me.

  “Have a good weekend, Joss.”

  It’s my turn to smile. “Yeah. You too.”

  He starts to open the door.

  “Connor?”

  He stops, turns back around, his eyes once more locking on mine.

  “Thank you.”

  One more smile and he’s gone, the door closing behind him.

  I don’t know what it is we really did there. I don’t know if I care. I just know that I needed it, and I think he did, too.

  We needed each other.

  Just how damaged is Connor Sloane?

  As damaged as I am?

  We needed each other…

  68

  Sam

  “You okay?”

  I’m keeping my promise, to Savvi. That promise I made to check on Summer, even though it’s the last thing I want to do. Joss is on a plane to Sweden, and I need to know when she’s coming back, I need to talk to her, not Summer. My marriage is on the fucking line here, but I made Savvi a promise. I’m not breaking that. I told her I’d come check on her mum, so I’m checking on her. She seems fine to me.

  “You look okay.”

  “That’s because I am.”

  “Is Savvi in?”

  “She’s gone to Danny’s. Thought she’d keep him company seeing as Alex is in Sweden this weekend. With Joss.”

  The way she says that makes me slightly confused. Why did she say it that way? Like it was wrong, for Joss and Alex to be going away together?

  “Come in.”