Tainted Love

by Michelle Betham

“I don’t want to come in, Summer. I told Savvi I’d pop round and make sure you’re all right, that’s all. She was worried about you.”

  “She’s fine. I told her I must’ve just picked up a bug or something.”

  “And she bought that, did she? You realise you can’t use that excuse forever, right?”

  “And you can’t pretend this isn’t happening, Sam.”

  “I don’t want this conversation out on the fucking doorstep, Summer.”

  I don’t want this conversation at all, but I’m struggling to see how I can avoid it now.

  “Then come inside. Your choice.”

  I push past her and she closes the door, follows me into the living room. It’s dimly lit, the smell of incense overpowering, she’s gone all guns blazing with the hippy vibe.

  “Sit down. I’ll get us some drinks.”

  “I’m not staying.”

  She sits down on a chair by the fireplace, curls her legs up underneath herself.

  “You don’t have to be so cold, Sam.”

  “My marriage is dying, what do you want me to do? Just forget about it? Walk away? Shrug, say what the hell and move on? Just like that?”

  She looks at me, her eyes boring into mine. She’s the cold one, not me. She’s the one who made sure this situation played out this way. She’s the one who made sure this mess was created, without thinking about the consequences.

  “She’ll leave you, Sam. She’s already left you, by all accounts. Kicked you out of the house. What’s the betting she’ll start divorce proceedings as soon as she’s back from Sweden.”

  I narrow my eyes, sit down on the edge of the couch, I’m not making myself comfortable. I told her I’m not staying, and I’m not.

  “I’ll talk to her. Make her see that what I did…”

  “What we did.”

  “I’ll make her see that I made the worst fucking mistake of my life, and it’ll take time, I know that, I need to gain back her trust, but I’m fighting for her, Summer. I’m not coming to you, I’m fighting for my wife.”

  “And what about the baby?”

  “I’ll be a dad to the baby, don’t get me wrong. I’ll take responsibility for my child…”

  “And how do you think Joss is going to feel about that, Sam? How do you think she’s going to cope, seeing you with our baby, being a dad, to our baby?”

  I bow my head, because I know exactly what that’s going to do to Joss. It’s going to break her fucking heart, and the thought of putting her through that kills me.

  “Does she know yet? About the baby?”

  “I don’t know.” I look up. “I haven’t told her, but… I told Alex.”

  Shit! I told Alex…

  “Then she’ll know. Alex will tell her.”

  Shit!

  “She didn’t say anything at school today.”

  “You saw her?”

  “Of course I fucking saw her, we work together.”

  “And, how was she?”

  “Don’t pretend you care about her, Summer. Don’t fucking do that.” I stand up, I’m going. I’ve had enough now. “You don’t care about Joss, you don’t care about anyone, right now you’re nothing more than a selfish, insular bitch who doesn’t give a fuck who she hurts.”

  “I never meant for this to happen.”

  “And yet it did, happen. But it didn’t have to happen this way. That’s all on you. You made this so much worse than it needed to be.”

  She stands up too, and she laughs, and that irritates the fuck out of me. “This was always going to be a mess, Sam. It was never going to be anything else.”

  “I’m going.”

  I head out into the hall, I’m done with her for tonight.

  “Joss and Alex…”

  I stop, turn around, and I frown as I stare at Summer. “What about Joss and Alex?”

  “Does the fact they’re so close bother you?”

  “Bother me…? Why the hell should it bother me? They’re friends…”

  She doesn’t say anything else, she just holds my gaze, and I have no idea what that was about, I just know that I really am done here.

  “You used to be the one we all came to, Summer. You were the calm we all needed sometimes You taught us all how to let go of our negativity, you were fucking special. What happened to you?”

  “You happened, Sam. You happened to me.”

  69

  Joss

  The sun’s shining. It’s a beautiful day. Outside I can hear people already down on the harbour, seagulls shrieking, life goes on, even if mine feels like it’s suddenly stood still.

  I run my fingers through my hair and step outside, on to the decking that stretches the length of the hotel, overlooking the harbour. I’d forgotten how much I love this place. How calm it makes me feel.

  “Hey.”

  I turn my head and smile as Alex joins me outside. “Hey back.”

  “You okay?”

  “That’s a stupid question, Alex.”

  He laughs, drops his gaze, clasps his hands together over the glass barrier. “Yeah. Sorry.”

  I nudge his hip gently with mine. “I’m fine.”

  He looks at me and smiles. I love his smile. It makes him twice as handsome as he already is, and he’s ridiculously good-looking to begin with.

  “Did you sleep all right?”

  I look back out, over the sea, the archipelago, the views from here are breathtaking. I wish I was staying more than a couple of days.

  “I guess so. I’m trying not to think about it, you know?” I turn back to face Alex. “It’s just hard sometimes. That’s all.”

  He reaches for my hand and squeezes it tight, leaning in to plant a kiss on my forehead. “Are you hungry? Fancy some breakfast before we go and explore?”

  I nod, and I keep hold of his hand, I don’t want to let him go. I really need him right now. My best friend.

  “Come on. It’s been a while since we had some prästost on knäckebröd.”

  It’s my turn to laugh as he raises his eyebrows at the prospect of a typical Swedish breakfast. Simple cow’s milk cheese on crackerbreads; liver pate and hard-boiled eggs; oatmeal topped with fruits and berries or muesli mixed with filmjölk, a milk product similar to buttermilk. And plenty of coffee. It has to be coffee. We always eat more traditional Swedish food when we come home. We’re so used to British food now after living in England for so long that it’s nice to come here, and remember food from our childhood. We had a taste of that yesterday, when we had brunch with our parents. Our mums cooked us meatballs and mashed potatoes with lingonberries – a favourite of mine and Alex’s, and it was lovely being with everyone again. It was good, being away from the UK for a while. And I’ve tried making those meatballs myself, but they never quite match up to our mums’.

  “You should’ve told them, Joss. Our parents. You should’ve told them, about Sam. You should’ve told them what’s happened.”

  I shake my head as I sip my coffee in the harbour-side café we always come to for breakfast, when we visit here. “I haven’t got my head around it myself, Alex. Until that happens I don’t want them to know. Besides, they were all so happy to see us yesterday I didn’t want to ruin that.”

  He smiles, but his eyes won’t lose that concern; that worry that I’m not handling this, but I am. I’m okay. I’m surprisingly calm. I think what happened with Connor – I think that helped calm me. Somehow.

  “All right. I’ll stop badgering you.”

  “You do that.”

  “What do you fancy doing today then?”

  “I just want to walk, and take this place in, it feels like such a long time since we were last here.”

  “Then that’s what we’ll do.”

  I look down into my coffee, and I remember, that I slept with Connor Sloane. Was I not just lowering myself to my cheating husband’s level by doing that? Am I, now, not just as bad as he is? But I don’t feel guilty. I can’t, feel guilty. Sam slept with my friend. For six months the
y lied to me. Betrayed me. They hurt me. Sam got my friend pregnant. So, no, I don’t feel guilty for fucking Connor.

  “Joss?”

  Alex’s voice tears into my thoughts and I look up. “Sorry?”

  “You were miles away. You sure you’re okay?”

  “I’m sure.”

  Because I will be. Okay. I have to be, don’t I? What other choice do I have…?

  70

  Alex

  She thinks she’s handling this all okay because she’s here, away from everything, it’s not all up in her face like it will be when we get home. Here she can push it aside, and she did that very well in front of our parents, you wouldn’t have thought anything was wrong. But I know different. I know her world is slowly caving in around her, I know she’s hurting. I know she’s blocking everything out because facing up to it is going to be devastating. I know my best friend. I know how much she and Sam wanted a child. So I know this is going to tear her apart.

  “Can we move here?” she sighs as we walk back towards the harbour to grab some lunch. She has her arm around my waist, leaning into me as we walk, my arm slung across her shoulders. I love having her this close, I love feeling like I’m protecting her. And right now, I want to protect her more than anything.

  “Is it not too quiet for you? On a permanent basis?”

  “Once-upon-a-time it might’ve been.”

  “A holiday home might be nice though, huh? Somewhere to escape to, whenever we feel like it.”

  She looks at me, and she smiles. “Yeah... Hey, that’s not such a bad idea, actually. I mean, our parents could use it too, couldn’t they? And you could bring Danny over…”

  “Slow down, kiddo. This is probably the last place Danny wants to come. I’m having to resort to bribery to get him to spend two nights in Gothenburg with his grandparents, remember?”

  She squeezes my waist as we finally reach the harbour. “We’d use it.”

  “Yes. We would.”

  We head back to the little café we had breakfast in, find the same table outside that overlooks the port. We order chicken casserole and rice, and I sit back and let the sunshine wash over my skin. Joss does the same. I watch as she tips back her head, closes her eyes, she seems so relaxed, but for some reason that’s what’s bothering me, and it shouldn’t. I want her to feel relaxed, that’s why we came here, to get away from it all. But she has to go back to it, she has to face it all, soon. I need her to be ready to do that.

  She opens her eyes and sits forward. “Were you serious? About looking for a holiday home here?”

  “Well, not at first, maybe, but I’m kind of open to it, now.”

  “I think we should.”

  “Because you want a place to escape to?”

  She narrows her eyes slightly, looks at me with something verging on suspicion. “You judging me?”

  “I’m not judging you, Joss. I just don’t want you to…” I leave that sentence hanging because I have no idea what I was going to say.

  “I’m not running away, Alex. I know what I’m going home to. I know what’s waiting for me when I get back. It’s a mess, and it’s only going to get worse when everyone else finds out what’s happened.” She breaks the stare and looks down. “When the baby arrives.”

  “Joss…”

  I reach for her hand and she lets me take it, wraps her fingers around mine and I hold onto her so tightly.

  “Don’t say it’s going to be okay, Alex, because it isn’t. Nothing’s going to be okay, not for a long time.”

  “I know.”

  She raises her gaze and smiles at me. She’s so beautiful when she smiles. More beautiful than Summer, so I can’t get my head around why Sam would do what he did. Why he felt the need to throw everything away.

  “I’m glad we came here,” she says quietly, and I return her smile, stroke her knuckles with my thumb.

  “Yeah. So am I.” I lean over the table and kiss her forehead, her skin warm and soft beneath my lips. “I love you, Joss.”

  I pull back and she smiles again, gives my hand another squeeze. “I love you, too.” She rests her other hand against my cheek, leans in so our foreheads touch. “I love you so much.”

  She pulls away first, lets go of my hand and sits back in her chair as she stares out ahead of her, at the busy harbour.

  “Excuse me?”

  I look over at the table to my left, where a couple around mine and Joss’s age – maybe a little older – are sitting. They’re speaking perfect English, their accent American, or possibly Canadian, I’m not sure, but I’m assuming they’re tourists.

  “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help noticing how happy you both look.”

  I smile at them, as does Joss.

  “You make a beautiful couple.” The woman returns our smiles. “If you don’t mind me asking, are you married? Only, you look like newlyweds.”

  I glance at Joss, her eyes locking on mine, and I feel it, the briefest of moments but it was there. And I swear she felt it too.

  “No. No, we’re not married,” I reply, my eyes still fixed on Joss.

  “Well, you look very much in love. Maybe you should think about it.”

  I break the stare and look back at the woman, she’s still smiling. So am I. But when I look back at Joss her head is down, and I need to see her smile again.

  “Hey. You all right?”

  She raises her gaze and gives me that smile I need from her. “Yeah. I’m good.”

  I want to take her hand again, I want to touch her, but somehow I don’t feel like I should, after what’s just been said. And yet, there’s a part of me that’s glad somebody said it. That somebody can see that connection between us that I’ve always felt. For so, so long now, I’ve felt something…

  71

  Joss

  I look at the phone as it rings out, Sam’s name flashing up on the screen. He’s been calling all day. Left dozens of messages I don’t want to listen to. I’m not ready to speak to him yet. Not here, he isn’t invading my time away from the crap he and Summer have caused.

  The ringing stops, but I know it’ll start again, at some point soon. And it does, almost immediately, but when I look down this time it’s Connor’s name flashing up on the screen.

  Sitting down on the bed I answer his call, crossing my legs up underneath myself as I shuffle around to face the small window that overlooks the sea.

  “Hey, Joss.”

  “Hey, Connor.”

  “I didn’t know if I should disturb you, I just – I needed to speak to you. I needed to hear your voice.”

  I can’t help but smile. I think I needed to hear his voice, too. “You’re not disturbing me.”

  He laughs quietly. “Good.”

  “You okay?”

  “Shouldn’t it be me asking you that?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “I’ve been looking it up, Hönö Klåva… am I pronouncing that right?”

  “Close enough.”

  He laughs again. “My Swedish needs some work, huh? Look, I – I just wanted to see where you were. What you were looking at, out there. It seems like a beautiful place.”

  “It is.”

  He pauses for a second, but the silence isn’t uncomfortable. “I just needed to know, Joss, that what we did…”

  “No apologies, remember? We’re not sorry it happened, are we?”

  “No. We’re not.”

  It’s my turn to pause, to leave a couple of beats before I speak again. “I know things are complicated right now, and when I get back we need to talk, you need to know the full extent of what’s happened between me and Sam because it’s… it’s complicated. But just know one thing, Connor…” I stop talking, and I look out of the window, out to sea, I let the peace and the calm flood my body. I remember how he felt, inside me. I remember the peace and calm he brought me. “I want it to happen again. You, and me. I want us to happen, again.”

  “I want that too, Joss.”

  I look down, realis
e I’ve been absent-mindedly fiddling with the bed sheet, but I’m smiling.

  “When I say it’s complicated, Connor…”

  “I’ll take the complications, Joss.”

  “You might change your mind when you hear what they are.”

  He laughs again, I love to hear him laugh. Connor Sloane still makes me want to smile. “I’ll see you when you get back.”

  “Yeah. You will.” I end the call and look back outside. All I can hear are seagulls, the sound of the harbour down below and I let the calm wash over me again. The sun’s getting ready to set, and for the briefest of moments I feel completely at peace. I’ve forgotten everything.

  A tap at the door pulls me back to reality and I drop my head, I breathe in deep.

  “Joss?”

  “Yeah. Come in, Alex.”

  I get up, go over to the door of my beautifully clean and compact hotel room just as Alex strides through it. I forget how tall he is sometimes. I forget how safe he makes me feel.

  “I thought we could go out for a drink, after dinner. If you’re not too tired.”

  “I’m not tired.” I look at him, up into his eyes, eyes that are as blue as mine. “Hey… is that club still there, in town? The small, intimate one that plays different music on different nights? We went there a couple of years ago, remember?”

  “I remember. It’s still there.”

  I smile at him. “Good. Then let’s go.”

  “You want to go clubbing, huh?” He grins. I just roll my eyes and go into the small but perfectly equipped bathroom to check I’ve got towels for my shower.

  “We’re not exactly talking party island Ibiza style, Alex.” I come back out into the bedroom, pushing past him as he leans against the bathroom doorpost. “And I used to go clubbing a lot – we used to go clubbing a lot. Before we had to grow up.”

  I start rifling through the pile of clothes I brought with me to see if I’ve actually packed anything suitable for a night out. I settle on skinny black jeans, a strappy top and high-heeled ankle boots.

  “Anyway, I’m going to grab a quick shower before we head out.”

  I make my way back over to the bathroom, stumbling over the empty carry-on case I must’ve left lying on the floor.