The Years Between (Sister Series, 1.5)

by Davis, Leanne

  Chapter Nine

  Will couldn’t do his job. He didn’t know what to do about it. He’d never been unable to perform at his best when working. But now? Now, he just wanted to go home. What the hell was that? He didn’t know what to do with the feeling. Or the tug of jealousy that filled him when Jessie mentioned Finn fixing his garage door opener, and roto-tilling his wife’s garden. Not that he even considered, ever, that Jessie wanted her own garden. But still, it should have been him doing it. He didn’t like feeling like a spectator in her life. And what if that couple weren’t as nice as she thought? What if they hurt her?

  He was a danger to himself and others. If only his entire focus wasn’t centered on a little house in North Carolina. He had no idea it would be like this. When he left Jessie before, he just put her in a little box, tied it up and packed it away at the back of his brain. Done. Compartmentalized. Just as he did with Gretchen. No fear, or anxiety. He could turn himself into the robot he was often accused of being on more than one occasion.

  But now… suddenly, he could not get there. It wasn’t funny either. It was messing with his head, his heart, and his ability to think and react. It was messing up everything. He didn’t want to think about her. He wanted to put her away, as cold as it sounded, because that’s how he survived. It’s the only way he could live with what he did. But now he couldn’t get there, and he didn’t know what to do.

  “Hey, Captain Hendricks? You ready?”

  He turned at the sound of his name and nodded absently. No. He was never ready anymore. All he wanted to do was go home.

  And fuck! If it wasn’t the most annoying, awful feeling he ever had.

  ****

  “Do you want to come meet them?” Bella asked Jessie. They were shopping for new summer outfits. Jessie glanced at the tank top before her, thinking the weather would be scorching today, in the high nineties.

  “The church group? No offense, but I won’t fit in.”

  “Why?” Bella asked, shaking her head to the shirt Jessie was eyeing up. “Of course, you’ll fit in. They’ll love you.”

  “No offense, Bella, but my past isn’t something that most people deem acceptable. So, no your friends won’t consider me proper company.”

  “It’s not a Bible meeting; we’re just all friends from church. You’re way over analyzing it. You don’t have to convert or anything.”

  “It’s not about being religious. It’s about not fitting in.”

  “I don’t care what you say, you will fit in. Please, come. You need more friends! We’ve established that. And you refuse to reach out to other Army wives. My friends are really nice. You like me, don’t you?”

  Bella and Jessie had several long conversations about why Jessie didn’t seek out other Army wives for help and support. Bella had caught a few of them coming to Jessie’s door. Jessie simply didn’t answer, pretending not to be home. Bella had known she was and demanded to know why Jessie was being so rude.

  Jessie adamantly refused to go on base. She was not like what she considered a “real” Army spouse. She was weak and small and totally unworthy. She knew they’d sense it within minutes of meeting her. They had reached out to her on more than one occasion. She did everything but slam the door in their faces. Most were woman and they all looked like her mother: so neat and calm and self-sacrificing. Wonderful, capable, brave women, and nothing like her. Jessie didn’t sacrifice. Therefore she was not worthy of these woman’s help.

  She was lucky to have Will for a husband. She knew that. However, he was not as lucky to have her for his wife. She did nothing to advance his career, or ease his life with the other soldier’s families.

  Fortunately, most people liked Will, or Jessie could have totally ruined his reputation. Most of them thought Will married a snobby, unfeeling bitch, the daughter of the general who hung himself. She didn’t care enough to correct them. It exhausted her to think about it. She just let it stand. She was sorry that Will was embarrassed by her, but unable to find the strength to change it.

  Finally, she nodded. “Yes, I like you. It’s just… I won’t fit in.”

  “You will too! Stop it. Just come tonight.”

  “It will be all couples.”

  “So? You can be our couple.”

  She rolled her eyes, “Bella, Finn is going to kick me out and padlock the door. I take up a lot of your time.”

  “He’s so glad I finally have someone to chat to besides him. Now, get that shirt there, it’s a perfect match for your coloring. Besides, we need to go to lunch before my stomach starts gnawing on itself. I’m so hungry.”

  ****

  Jessie walked into Bella’s living room as her hands started to sweat. How could she have agreed to this? Inside were five different couples, all in varying ages, and some into their early forties. They were all casually dressed and chatting with their cocktails and usual appetizers. Jessie wore a modest, knee-length skirt and pretty blouse. She kept rubbing her sweaty palms on the folds of her skirt. She hadn’t been to a party like this since she lived with her father. She cringed at the thought of that. The general was not her father, but still, sometimes, she thought of him that way. It should not have become a habit. But a lifetime spent with the man who most terrorized her was hard to let go of in merely a matter of months.

  He often hosted dinner parties at their house, inviting his friends. He’d charm them with his smile and commanding air. He was a lot to take. His opinion of himself was clear and impressive. People might not have liked him, but they all respected him, as well as his power, his authority, and his position. That was why they came to his parties.

  She shook her head. It was just Bella’s friends, some she’d had since high school. It was no big deal. No one was judging her. No one could hurt her. She was being ridiculous!

  After being introduced around, and shaking hands, Jessie smiled and made idle conversation, behaving the way her father always wanted her to. But she could never manage it back then. Now, however, she learned how, and easily demonstrated her social flare.

  Bella inserted her arm through Jessie’s with a warm smile. “It’s good, right?”

  Jessie smiled. “Yes, it’s good.”

  “I told you. You hide yourself away too much.”

  Bella didn’t know why, and there was no occasion to tell her. No reason either.

  “Oh, and this is my brother, Logan, and his wife, Sheryl,” Bella said as another couple walked in. They deposited two bowls of salad on the buffet table.

  The couple turned towards her and smiled with their hands out. Logan squinted at her and asked, “Did I go to high school with you? You look familiar.”

  Jessie froze. Her smile dipped and her heart fluttered painfully while blushing pink stained her cheeks. He recognized her. From the news? From her porn tape? Where? Where did he know Jessie Bains from? Thinking they went to high school together would make sense as he tried to place her face. Or body. As she well knew, it could easily have been both.

  She half turned her face away. “Uh, I don’t think so. I didn’t go to high school close to here.” She once attended a private school, but managed to get kicked out of it. She received her high school diploma through a correspondence course, created just for her, and at her father’s insistence.

  Logan frowned and shook his head, “Huh. I’d swear I met you somewhere else.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Jessie grew up an Army brat.”

  That comment caught several nearby friends’ attentions, and they soon started asking her about it. She should have never come there. It was all so casual. Easy. Talking about growing up. It should have been normal to talk about her father, and the Army and the places she lived.

  Instead, visions of the filthy men he brought home filled her mind, making her chest tight.

  Finally, the conversation eased and she glimpsed an opportunity to slip away after barely picking at her dinner. She was hiding in a relative corner of the room when she glanced up to find
Logan staring, yet again, at her. His eyebrows were drawn together. He really thought he knew her. Her stomach felt like cement. She hoped her familiarity to him wasn’t coming from the internet.

  He sat down finally, near her. “You’re that girl. The general’s daughter? The general who hung himself last summer? I saw it on the news.”

  She blew a slow breath out. “Yes. I am.”

  “You knew I recognized you from that story. Why didn’t you say so?”

  “I don’t really like to talk about it.”

  He nodded towards the bedroom, and said, “I had to look it up to figure it out.”

  The stain on her face could have matched the stain on her soul. She kept her expression neutral, and her tight smile in place. “Oh?”

  “Uh, yes. Some other things came up.”

  She closed her eyes and turned away. “Yes, I imagine they did. Did you want something?”

  “Does Bella know?”

  “No. I doubt it. It’s not something I volunteer or publicize.”

  Digging her fingernails into her opposite palm, she wished Will were there with an intensity she hadn’t felt in quite awhile. She wished he were there to stand up for her, to approach the prying jerk-off and dare him to say another word about her. She could picture him bristling, unfolding his mammoth arms and waiting for the chance to take out the man if he tried to embarrass or hurt her. That image, strangely, even then, made her smile. Will would do that for her. He would protect her like that. If only he were there.

  But he wasn’t.

  “Does Bella know what? What are you two over here whispering about?” Bella smiled happily, her eyes glazed over with drink. She giggled as she sat down dramatically between her brother and Jessie.

  “That she makes sex tapes,” Logan said, gritting his teeth.

  “She makes…” Bella frowned and hit her brother’s arm. “Don’t be stupid. Jessie doesn’t make porn. She’s married. To a hot soldier.”

  “I saw it.”

  Jessie shut her eyes and turned her head. She knew what Logan saw of her. Her embarrassment was overbearing and swift. Bella glanced at Jessie, and her face suddenly changed. “What do you mean, you saw it?”

  “I mean, your friend here is a porn star.”

  Bella frowned as she shifted around, “Jessie, that isn’t true, is it? You’re not into porn, are you?”

  Bella spoke too loud. Several people looked their way and listened, suddenly interested as “porn” was a word that drew all kinds of people’s attention.

  Jessie stood up and pushed her drink to the nearest table. She didn’t look around and they all became a blur to her. “Excuse me. I have to go.”

  She rushed out of the house, across their lawn and into her own. Shoving her front door shut, she locked every door while rushing around and closing the blinds. Soon she was enclosed, inside, alone. No one could get to her. Or see her. Or accuse her. She ignored Soldier and Bullet’s ecstatic greeting, as she walked into the bedroom.

  ****

  The ringing phone brought her out of what felt like a drugged sleep. She grabbed it with a mumble. “What?”

  “Jess? Are you okay?”

  She closed her eyes. Will. His voice seemed to amplify and echo in her brain. How did he know? He sounded panicked. Weird. Worried. She sighed and rolled over, clutching the phone to her ear. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, your friend, Bella, had Lindsey contact me because she was so worried about you. She said you were humiliated at her house and now you wouldn’t answer the door, or any of her calls.”

  “No shit,” Jessie mumbled. She was angry Bella would bother Will. Just what he did not need to worry about while he was gone. “She actually called you?” Jessie was horrified.

  “She didn’t. But she had Lindsey’s number and Lindsey hunted me down. Since, as usual you don’t call me and tell me yourself when something is upsetting you. What the hell happened?”

  “I went to a party I shouldn’t have. Her brother recognized me. He couldn’t place where he knew me from, so he looked me up and figured it out after he found the tape I made. The porn that thousands have seen. Or more. How do you do it? How can you stand to be married to a woman who embodies so much filth out there?”

  Will blew a sigh into the phone. As always, calmly and quietly, he said, “You know how.”

  “No. No, I really don’t. You should have seen the shock and disgust I observed in this room of normal people. You can just click a button and see me naked and watch me having sex.”

  He was quiet. “You know I’ve watched it.”

  She nearly convulsed at the thought; it so sickened her. He continued, “That girl is now my wife. That girl was a heartbreaking mess, but it was caused by the acts of other people, and what they did to her.”

  She gripped the phone and whispered, “I’m dirty, Will. It makes me feel so dirty. That it’s out there. That I did it willingly… that I—”

  His voice was low and tender when he spoke, “You are not dirty. Not now. Not then. You were just a little girl, trying to make sense of your pain. Sometimes, I still see that girl. Other times, she’s buried in your past. Either way, I consider it a gift to be with her.”

  Her eyes teared up and she let them fall freely onto her pillow. “How do you stand me?”

  “Not there again. We’re not back there again. I stand you because I love you. I care about you. I like everything about you. That’s how I ‘stand’ you. Jesus, Jess, blow it off! So what if some assholes saw your video? Ignore them. Get mad. Don’t do this. Don’t go into our bathroom and hurt your body. Please, just don’t do it. Talk to me. Write to me. Drive to your sister’s. Drive to see Gretchen. Just do something besides hurting yourself. Or better yet, go tell your friend, Bella, to fuck off.”

  Jessie sat up. “She was my friend. I really thought she was. I thought this stuff wouldn’t interfere, like it does with everything else, even us. I thought she could be one person who didn’t know. And didn’t have that in her mind when she thought of me.”

  “There again, go tell her to fuck off! Get mad. Not sad. Not depressed. Please.” His tone was impassioned.

  “You don’t usually sound so hot and bothered.”

  “Well, I am. I just can’t fucking stand not being there to tell them all to fuck off for you.”

  A soft sound, almost like a laugh escaped her lips. “The old me would have. The old me would want you to. The new me knows we can’t go around telling all of our neighbors to fuck off.”

  He finally laughed too. “Well, then just think it. But don’t let it screw up your head.”

  “Does it affect you? I mean other soldiers who know who I am, and know who you’re married to, do they—”

  “You know, don’t you? No, one dares says anything about you to me. So no. It doesn’t.”

  “Has it in the past?”

  He hesitated. “Yeah, some comments. But now? No.”

  “You really let it go?”

  “Yeah. I really did. Believe it or not, things can become part of the past.”

  “This will keep happening. My father is too well known. I’m easily recognized; and there it all is, front and center.”

  “When we move across the country it will never be a problem again. No one will know there. Ten more months; you can do it, right? You promised me.”

  She closed her eyes and his voice steadied her. “Yes, I can do it.”

  “Did you cut yourself?”

  “No. I held the razor and had a little pep talk with myself. I finally put it away and came to bed.”

  “I think you should talk to Bella. She called me. For you. Maybe she isn’t as short-sighted as you might think. Go and see.”

  “As always, good advice, soldier,” she sighed deeply. “Oh, Will, I miss you so much.”

  He sighed too. “I miss you that much too,” he said, but hesitated. She could sense it in his tone.

  “What?”

  “It fucks with my head,” he finally s
aid so quietly, she thought she heard him wrong.

  “What do you mean? What fucks with your head?”

  “You. You fuck with my head.”

  She pulled the phone back to frown at it before she placing it back to her ear. “How do I do that?”

  “Because I can’t stop thinking about you. I miss you all the time. I’m like a goddamned girl away at summer camp for the first time.”

  She flopped back on the bed. “Are you for real?”

  “Yeah, I am. I could always put it away before. And be here, not there. I could convince myself not to worry about what wasn’t right in front of me. But I just can’t do that this time.”

  “Does it affect anything?”

  He was silent.

  “Will? You promised to be completely honest to me.”

  “It affects everything. I can’t be the soldier I used to be.”

  Her heart felt like it did an actual flip in her chest. “You have to be,” she whispered, but really wanted to scream.

  He sighed. “I know.”

  “You have to concentrate. Forget me. Forget us. Just stay alive.”

  “That’s my goal.”

  She felt like she was being strangled. “It’s not a joke.”

  “No, nothing about us or this is a joke.”

  “Are you in danger?”

  “Nothing new.”

  “So I’m supposed to be comforted?”

  “Just be okay. I’ll stay alive. You stay okay.”

  She felt like she handed her heart over the phone line when they hung up. Like she physically cut her hand off, the pain in her chest for him was so sharp. She waited a few minutes before getting up in the early morning light and taking Soldier and Bullet out the front door to go for a walk.

  ****

  When she walked up to her porch, Bella was there already and stood up.

  “Did he call you?”

  “Yes, he called me,” she said crisply, ignoring Bella as she unlocked her door and let the dogs pass through. Bella followed her.

  “I’m sorry. For how I reacted. I was just a little bit drunk. And shocked.”

  “Well, yeah, that would be the usual reaction.”