Crying Out Silent

by Marita A. Hansen

  His sister retracted her hand, her mean smile turning flirtatious. “How old are you?”

  “Sixteen.”

  Her perfectly plucked brows rose. “You look more like eighteen.”

  “Well, I’m not. I turned sixteen last month.”

  “You have a girlfriend?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Then, why isn’t she here too?”

  “Cos she’s got morning-sickness—” I swore, realising I’d let slip. “Shit, don’t tell anyone, Louie,” I said, looking at Llewellyn’s shocked expression. “No one can know Tiana’s pregnant.”

  His sister laughed. “That’s so funny. I think my brother thought he had a chance with you.” She then took off down the passage, leaving a spluttering Llewellyn behind.

  “Don’t l-listen to her,” he stuttered. “I-I wasn’t trying to get you, just to be friends, and I promise I won’t tell anyone about Tiana.”

  I clenched my hands, annoyed with myself for blurting it out, because I couldn’t seem to keep my mouth shut when it came to what counted. I just spoke without thinking. But that wasn’t really what was bothering me.

  “I’m in so much shit,” I said. “I don’t wanna be a dad. I can barely handle having a girlfriend, let alone a kid. Tiana’s constantly in my face, making me feel guilty all of the time. I can’t move around the house without her asking if I’m all right when she’s the one puking her guts out.”

  “She’s living with you?”

  “Yeah, but...” I looked down at the swirling blues and greens in the carpet, “we don’t share a room, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

  “I wasn’t thinking that, just that she’s pregnant. Tiana’s pregnant! I thought she wouldn’t get that way ever, Kelley maybe, but not Tiana, she’s so strait-laced.”

  “It wuz my fault. I forgot to put on a condom, and it wuz her first time, so she wouldn’t have known.”

  Llewellyn’s voice went soft. “What wuz it like?”

  I looked up, wondering what he was on about.

  “You know? The sex,” he said, whispering the last word.

  “Oh, it wuz great.”

  He frowned. “I’ve always wondered why guys wanted to have sex with girls.”

  “Cos they have tits and pussies that make my cock wanna explode.”

  His gaze dropped to the floor. “Then why don’t I want that?”

  “Cos you’re gay.”

  His hazel-green eyes snapped back up. “I told you I’m bi, which means I should want to put my dick,” he whispered the last word, “into a girl too, but all I want is for a guy to put one into me. Well, I did until this year.”

  I put a finger in my right ear and wriggled it about. “I really didn’t wanna hear that.”

  He pulled a face. “You think I’m disgusting, don’t you?”

  “Not you, just what you want.”

  “I said I didn’t want it anymore. I hate sex. I’d rather kiss and cuddle you.”

  My eyes widened. “You didn’t just say that!”

  His hand whipped to his mouth, his expression horrified. “Oh God, Ash! Please don’t hate me. I didn’t mean to say it.”

  I got to my feet. “I think I should leave.”

  Looking panicked, he jumped up. “Please don’t go! I just want to watch a movie with you.”

  “I should be watching one with Tiana.”

  He looked close to tears, his hazel-green eyes turning shiny. “Are you still going to sit with me at school?”

  I edged around the coffee table. “Yeah, just watch what you say next time, ’kay? You freak me out when you say shit like that.”

  He nodded, looking relieved, but still upset.

  “And, dude,” I added. “You’re worse than me with blurting out crap. If you keep quiet ’bout me gettin’ Tiana pregnant, I’ll forget ’bout what you said.”

  “I won’t say a word.” He followed me to the door as I hooked my bag over my shoulder. “See you tomorrow at school,” he said, his expression now hopeful.

  “Yeah, sure,” I replied, not so sure I wanted to sit with him anymore. Maybe I could just skip school altogether. I didn’t want to be there anyway, and I definitely didn’t like being made to go.

  I jumped down his front steps, glancing back at him. He waved at me, the hope in his eyes fading, Llewellyn unable to hide his emotions. Despite what he’d said, it made me feel shitty, because he was such a sweet person. He’d also been the first person to bring a bit of happiness into my life since the day everything had gone to hell. Because of it, I forced myself to smile and saluted him, wanting to let him down gently. He deserved that much at least.

  He gave me the sweetest smile in return, his eyes hopeful once more, which made me feel guilty for leading him on. But he shouldn’t expect shit from me. One day at the beach didn’t mean I owed him, plus I wasn’t reliable, something Tiana was learning. I could barely spend time with her, let alone a kid I hardly knew.

  I headed home, realising I hadn’t brought any homework back for Tiana. Shit, it looked like I’d have to lie to her, telling her we got none since it was the first day back at school. I was turning into my brother, becoming an A-grade liar like Dante.

  I continued walking, taking the longer route home, as well as many detours as possible. I eventually stopped a few houses down from my place, afraid to take another step. I didn’t know why... Actually, every time I thought that, I did know why. I was sick of walking on eggshells around Tiana, even Hunter. I hated pretending that everything was all right when nothing could ever be right again. How could it be? My mum was gone, my happiness dying with her.

  I turned on my heel and headed for a place that I knew sold drugs, because although my cousin was a dealer, he refused to let me touch his product, and right now, I wanted to get my hands on something that would make me forget everything—even if it was just for one night.

  16

  LLEWELLYN

  Ash wasn’t in homeroom the following morning, but Ant was, and he was glaring at me, so as soon as the bell rang I rushed out. I headed for the toilets that Ash had found me in the day before, hoping he’d be there waiting for me, that maybe I hadn’t remembered him telling me to meet him there. But all the stalls were empty. I heard noises outside in the corridor, the students being loud, so I went into the last stall that Ash had been in yesterday and locked the door, just wanting to shut it all out, even more so since I felt like crying. Ash probably hadn’t turned up because I’d ruined things yesterday by telling him I wanted to kiss and cuddle him. I still couldn’t believe I’d said that to him. I was an idiot for even thinking he’d want to sit with me after that.

  Trying not to burst into tears, I put the toilet lid down and sat on it, the graffiti on the door catching my attention. Boys had used the surface like a whiteboard, claiming they’d had sex with Kelley. And under each of their names, someone had defended Kelley, calling them liars—with the exception of the last one:

  Ant Torres

  He hadn’t lied, and the writer clearly knew it.

  I traced the words declaring that Ant was a scumbag for ‘doing that shit’ to Kelley. It made me wonder whether Ash had written it. He’d had the opportunity, plus it made sense. He knew both Kelley and Ant well enough to deduce that Ant was telling the truth. But was he aware that Ant had forced Kelley? Was that what ‘that shit’ meant?

  I retracted my hand, unable to imagine it. Ash was the type to stand up to bullies, like he’d stood up for me in the changing room. He was the complete opposite of me, the two of us having nothing in common. I couldn’t even stand up for myself, let alone anyone else. I wished I was as brave as Ash so I could’ve helped Kelley that day. I’d allowed my fear to silence me, and now I was being punished for it, Ant having moved on to hurting me.

  The bell for the next class rang, jarring me out of my thoughts, the past hour having gotten sucked up into an abys of self-loathing. Soon the restroom was filled with a cacophony of noise: thudding boots, squeaky shoes, toilet se
ats getting slammed down, boys talking loudly, pissing against the urinals, basically all-round chaos until they left for the second class of the day. I went to follow their lead, Maths next, but stopped as the main door banged open. Loud voices filled the restroom once more, Ant’s the loudest of them all. Like the coward I was, I quietly sat back down on the toilet seat and lifted my feet off the floor, my heart pounding so loudly I was afraid they’d hear it.

  “Jenna said that Ash was having lunch with Llewellyn yesterday,” Ant proclaimed loudly as though Ash had committed a crime.

  “I don’t understand why he’s even talkin’ to that gaybo,” Joel replied, “let alone sitting with him.”

  “Cos he’s a faggot too.”

  “Ash is not a fag!” Joel shouted. What sounded like a scuffle followed, Marko yelling at them to stop it. “He’s not gay,” Joel repeated. “He has Tiana, and he ain’t hanging with us cos he’s pissed off with me.”

  “Over what?” Ant asked. “Nah, don’t answer that cos I already know. You turned his gay arse down?”

  Joel swore, then more scuffles followed, Marko once more hollering at his friends to stop it. Something crashed against the other side of the toilet door, causing me to squeeze my eyes shut.

  Joel yelled, “Lemme go!” then the main door slammed.

  “Why the fuck did’ja do that for?!” Marko barked. “Do ya want our group to split up? Cos that’s what’ll happen if you don’t back the fuck off!”

  “Don’t put this on me!” Ant snapped back. “It’s not my fault Joel’s too stupid to see his mate’s a faggot!”

  “You know Ash ain’t gay, and he’s our mate too.”

  “Not since he decided to back that li’l fag over me.”

  “That’s cos you take things too far with Llewellyn. What is it with you and him? Cos I don’t get why you hafta be such an arsehole to that kid.”

  “He wanked off next to me! How do ya expect me to act?”

  “That wuz months ago, so leave him the hell alone—and Ash too. Christ, Ash’s mum wuz murdered, and now he has to deal with his stepdad’s hearing. Give the poor bloke a break, he’s got enough shit on his plate without you piling more on.”

  “But he shouldn’t be hanging with Llewellyn; he should be hanging with us.”

  “So, you’re jealous?”

  “Hell no! I hate that fucker, and I hate Llewellyn even more.”

  I kept my eyes shut, not understanding why Ant’s words hurt, because I hated him too. Hated him with a passion.

  “Well, I like Ash,” Marko snapped, “so you better rein in your bloody temper, cos I’m not lettin’ you run him outta our group.”

  “It’ll be better if he did leave.”

  “No, it won’t. If he leaves cos of you, Joel will leave too. Whatever’s happening between those two won’t last forever. They’re too tight to stay away from each other for long.”

  “That’s Joel’s decision, not mine.”

  “Bullshit! You’re the one causing the issues. Just quit attacking Ash every time he goes near Llewellyn. And for fuck’s sake, stay away from that kid too. He doesn’t deserve half the shit you bring down on him. He’s already paid for what he did a hundredfold.”

  “Whatever,” Ant grunted.

  “No, not whatever. Promise me you’ll stop tormenting him, cos it’s not gonna end well if you keep it up.”

  “What do ya mean by that?”

  “I’m scared you’ll end up killing him.”

  My eyes went wide, stunned by Marko’s words.

  “What the fuck?!” Ant said. “Are you for real? There’s no way I’d kill Llewellyn.”

  “All it’ll take is one punch to the head. He’s small. He can’t take the hits like we can.”

  “Which is why I wouldn’t do that, so get the fuck offa my back.”

  “Only if you promise to get offa Llewellyn’s.”

  “Okay! I’ll stay away from him, but if he so much as wanks near me again, I’ll rip his non-existent dick off.”

  “Fair enough, now let’s get to class, we’re late.”

  “You go, I needa shit. I’ll meet you there.”

  “Sure,” Marko said, leaving me alone with Ant, only a door between us.

  The door next to mine shut, then the sound of a toilet seat went down. A huge sigh followed, along with a “This ain’t fuckin’ happening.” Sniffing started up, making me wonder whether Ant was crying. A loud sob followed, instantly putting my back up. I couldn’t believe he was crying. He was the one who made others cry. He also didn’t have a right to cry after every sick thing he’d done to me. I wasn’t just scared of going to school, I was scared of being alone in my own home after he’d broken in and attacked me.

  He continued crying, every little sniffle and sob sounding like nails being scraped down a chalkboard, my anger growing by the minute. I wanted to yell at him to shut up, but kept my cowardly mouth shut. After a few minutes my anger was replaced by discomfort, my bladder starting to bother me. I held on, preferring to risk pissing myself than letting him know I was there.

  After another minute, he finally pressed the flush. I wanted to exhale loud enough for the whole school to hear, but I bit my lip, waiting impatiently for him to leave. Then FINALLY the door mercifully closed. I lifted up the toilet seat and went to heaven, releasing what felt like a week’s worth of pee. I sighed when I finished, thinking that maybe I could go to class now, since Ant had agreed to back off from harassing me. I silently thanked Marko in my head, so grateful to him.

  I left the stall and washed up, noticing a wallet lying on the floor. I picked it up, opening it to check who it belonged to. I froze at the picture inside it, not believing what I was seeing because it was me. It was a profile shot, one I didn’t remember sitting for. Confused, I searched through the wallet, pulling out a driver’s license.

  “What the hell?” I gasped, staring at Ant’s face.

  I flicked through the rest of the wallet, which definitely belonged to Ant, his student ID amongst the other cards, along with a fake one lying about his age. I returned to the photo of me, not understanding why it was in his wallet, other than it sent chills up my spine.

  The door banged open, making me jump. Ant rushed in, appearing panicked. His gaze landed on me, his expression surprised.

  “What are you doin’ ’ere?” he barked.

  I quickly dropped his wallet into my open bag, praying he didn’t notice. “I ne-ne-needed to pee.”

  His hard eyes remained firmly fixed on my face. “How long have you been in ’ere?”

  “A-A minute.”

  He narrowed his eyes like he didn’t believe me, then glanced around the floor. “Have ya seen a wallet?”

  I hesitated, not knowing whether to say yes or no, especially with it being in my bag.

  He stopped looking around, his eyes once more on me. “I asked you a question.”

  “I-I haven’t seen it,” I lied, afraid he’d get mad at me for hiding it.

  “You better not be lying to me.”

  “I-I’m not.” I willed myself not to cry, even though I knew it was coming, my eyes already tearing up. “Please don’t hurt me.”

  “Why would I hurt you?” he said, taking a step towards me. “Unless you’ve got sumpthin’ to hide.”

  I backed up, clutching my bag to my chest. His eyes instantly went to it. Before I could react, he lunged at me, ripping the bag out of my hands.

  “Don’t, that’s mine!” I yelled, trying to get it back, desperate to stop him from finding the wallet.

  He gave me a hard shove, knocking me onto my arse. I cried out at the sudden, painful impact.

  He rooted around in my bag, his expression turning angry. “You lying li’l fucker,” he growled, pulling out his wallet. “Did you look inside it?”

  I scrambled to my feet, pure terror making me stutter uncontrollably, “I n-n-needed to-to f-f-f-find out who-who it belonged to.”

  He squeezed his eyes shut and swore, which I took as the
best time to get the hell out of there. I went for the door. He opened his eyes and grabbed me before I could even get close, swinging me around into the wall. I squealed as my side hit it, pain spearing my hip.

  “You li’l bastard,” he spat, holding me against the wall, my back now flat against it. “Why are you doin’ this to me?”

  “You’re the one hurting me!” I cried, unable to get out of his hold, his grip bruising.

  He angled his head down to my face, his expression making me want to wet myself. “No, you’re doin’ things to me. You’re runnin’ around with Ash Rata like some bitch who can’t wait to get fucked. So, where did you two disappear to yesterday?”

  “Claydon Beach.”

  “Did he fuck you?”

  “No!”

  He pushed his forearm into my neck, making me inhale sharply, scared he was going to crush my windpipe. “You’re lying.”

  “I’m not,” I choked out, my eyes now watering. “He’s not into me.”

  Ant let go of my neck, but still held me against the wall. “But I am, and I wanna be in you so fuckin’ bad.” He moved his hips forward, pressing his hard cock against my stomach, rubbing it against me.

  “No!” I started struggling against him, absolutely terrified he was going to rape me. But no matter what I did, I couldn’t get free, Ant too strong. Pee trickled down my leg, fear loosening my bladder.

  Looking disgusted, he jumped away from me. “You dirty li’l cunt!” he yelled, throwing his wallet at my head.

  I cried out and curled up into a crouch, holding my arms over my head, trembling uncontrollably. He swore and yanked me up, causing me to scream, his large hand cutting it off. This time I didn’t struggle, just squeezed my eyes shut, everything inside of me breaking down.

  “Fuck, I’m sorry,” he blurted out. “I’m not gonna hurt you, so open your eyes.”

  Not believing him, I kept them closed, terrified out of my skull.

  He softened his voice, “If you open your eyes I promise not to hurt you.”