Crying Out Silent

by Marita A. Hansen

  I forced them open, finding his harsh expression gone.

  He gave me a sad smile. “You don’t understand, do you?”

  I didn’t reply, couldn’t even if I wanted to, what he’d said true. I didn’t understand any of it, and most of all I didn’t understand him, his mood changing so rapidly I couldn’t keep up with it.

  “I love you,” he said. “Have since I first saw you.”

  I blinked at him, his words surreal—or a figment of my imagination.

  “That photo you found in my wallet,” he said. “I took it. I have a camera with an amazing lens. I’ve got a lot of photos of you.” He let go of my mouth and brushed the back of his hand against my cheek. “You’re so fuckin’ beautiful.”

  I stared back at him, what he’d said not making any sense. He was supposed to hate me. That’s why he hurt me.

  “I want you,” he said. “Need you. So please stop seein’ Ash. I can’t take it anymore. It hurts so fuckin’ bad.”

  I continued to stare, feeling like I was in a dream. Or a nightmare.

  “Say sumpthin’,” he said... begged.

  “You hate me,” I pushed out.

  He shook his head. “No, I told ja I love you.”

  Words failed me once more.

  “I’m not lying,” he said. “Why would I?”

  “You told Marko you hated me.”

  He frowned. “You were in ’ere then?”

  I nodded.

  “I lied to him, like you lied to me ’bout bein’ in ’ere earlier.” He took hold of my chin. “Cos he wouldn’t understand what I feel for you.” He leaned forward and kissed me.

  I wrenched my head to the side, snapping, “Don’t!”

  He jerked his head back, hurt filling his eyes. Then he went at me again, trying to kiss me.

  “Stop it!” I yelled.

  “No, you stop it.” He grabbed me by the ears, smacking the back of my head against the wall, causing me to cry out. “Shut the fuck up,” he growled. “Or someone will hear us.”

  “I want them to,” I sobbed, my head hurting.

  He glared at me. “Why? So you can get me kicked outta school? Yeah, I bet you’d love that. Then you’ll be able to follow Ash around whenever you want. But it won’t work out like that cos I can get you anywhere, like I had you in your bed. You want me fucking you in your bed again?”

  I whimpered.

  “Which means you’ll do as you’re fuckin’ told. You’re not to go near Ash ever again. You’re only allowed to touch me, and I’m only allowed to fuck you. You’re mine, so fuckin’ get used to it. Now, tell me you love me.”

  I clenched my hands, wishing I could tell him to go to hell.

  He gripped onto my ears tighter, growling, “Say it!”

  I sobbed out what he wanted to hear.

  “Yeah,” he said, a manic grin spreading across his face. “You do love me, like I fuckin’ love you. And Marko’s right, cos I reckon I could kill you, but only if you cheat on me. Like Othello killed Desdemona, no, she didn’t cheat on him, but if you do I’d still smother you, then I’ll kill myself. That’s what love is, Llewellyn. You get it?”

  I didn’t get it at all, but I still nodded out a yes, too scared and emotionally exhausted to fight him anymore.

  He smiled. “Yeah, you understand me now, don’t cha, babe?” he said, brushing my hair back. “No one can love you like I do. I’ll make things good for you. You can move in with me, I’ll look after you. Ever since my mum left, I’ve been earning my own money.”

  I didn’t reply, the guy insane. I’d never realised it before, had been too overwhelmed with fear, but now I could see it. It wasn’t me. It was him. He wasn’t right in the head.

  He smiled wider, mistaking my silence for agreement. “Yeah. I can support you real good, sweetheart. I’ll make everything up to you, but you hafta make things up to me too, show me you appreciate me.” He lowered his hands, running them over my bum, jolting me. “Ssh, baby, it’s all right.” He leaned his head down, kissing me.

  I stood paralyzed.

  He pulled back, an annoyed look pulling at his brow. “Kiss me back.”

  I shook my head without thinking.

  Anger flashed across his hazel eyes. “Kiss me back,” he growled. “Like you love me.”

  He kissed me again. I didn’t respond, couldn’t, hate and disgust stopping me.

  He shoved me in the chest hard, making me cry out. “Kiss me back!” He forcibly kissed me, his hand going to my zipper.

  I jerked my head to the side and yelled, “No!”

  He pushed his body against mine, forgetting—or not caring about my wet pants. “You hafta, cos you love me.”

  “No, I hate you!” I yelled, finally losing it.

  He jerked his head back with a snap as though I’d punched him in the face, then he was punching me, knocking the wind out of me with an uppercut. I clutched my stomach, coughing and spluttering. He spun me around and pressed the side of my face against the wall, yanking at my pants to get them down.

  “No!” I cried.

  He grabbed my hair, stilling as he glared down at me. “You can’t say no to me, you’re mine, and if you make another sound, I’ll fuckin’ kill you.”

  The door opened, my eyes widening as Marko stepped through it. I could see his reflection in the mirror. But Ant didn’t see him, all of his focus on me.

  “Yeah,” Ant said, kissing my neck. “You’re mine, and you can’t fuckin’ do shit ’bout it.” He shoved my pants over the curve of my arse, too caught up with what he was doing to notice his best friend was standing a few feet behind him. “Say you want me to fuck you.”

  “No!”

  “Stop bein’ a fuckin’ cock-tease, cos I will kill you if you keep this shit up.”

  I whimpered, not understanding why Marko wasn’t doing anything. Fear raced through me at the thought of him backing out of the restroom, pretending he didn’t see any of this.

  “Please help me,” I said.

  “Help you how, sweetheart?” Ant replied instead of his friend.

  “Please, Marko,” I begged.

  Ant jerked his head back. “What did you call me?”

  “He didn’t call you fuckin’ anything,” Marko answered, his voice so low it sent chills up my spine.

  Ant instantly let go of me and spun around to face his friend. “It’s not what it looks like, mate,” he said, sounding panicked. “I wuz just joking, playin’ with him.”

  I quickly pulled up my pants.

  Marko watched me do it, his face devastated. “You didn’t wank next to him that day, did you?”

  I shook my head.

  “Did he hurt you like this?”

  I nodded, whimpering.

  Marko’s blue-grey gaze returned to Ant.

  “He’s lying,” Ant said.

  “I saw everything you did to him,” Marko replied, his voice breaking.

  “I wuz just scaring him, nuthin’ more.”

  “You had him against the wall, with his pants down!”

  Ant jolted. “Please, Marko, don’t do this, man, don’t turn on me,” he begged, all pretence out the window. “You’re my best mate, a brother.”

  Marko’s face twisted with disgust. “Best mates don’t lie to each other. You had me believing Llewellyn wuz a sick pervert, when all along you were the sick one.”

  Ant flinched, then anger pulled at his expression, warping his features. “Bein’ gay doesn’t make me sick! And you fuckers didn’t gimme a choice. I had to lie, cos you lot would’ve dropped me like a diseased piece of shit.”

  “I don’t give a fuck if you’re gay,” Marko spat back.

  “Bullshit! You and Joel take the piss outta gays all the time. You lot make me feel warped.”

  “You’re not warped cos you’re gay, you’re warped cos you fuckin’ tried to rape Llewellyn.”

  “I didn’t try to rape him. He’s my boyfriend. I’m allowed to fuck him whenever I like.”

  Marko wal
ked up to Ant, chesting him, his face vicious. “Do people who wanna fuck cry for help?”

  Ant chested him back. “It doesn’t matter, you should support me no matter what. I’m your mate, not that whining li’l bitch.”

  Marko leaned his face close to Ant’s, the two now nose to nose. “If you touch him again, we won’t be mates ever again.”

  “You can’t mean that!”

  “I mean every single fuckin’ word. I’ll also take Llewellyn to the cops and make him lay a complaint against you if you so much as breathe in his direction.”

  Ant took a step back, his face shocked. “You wouldn’t.”

  “Try me.”

  “But he’s my boyfriend. You can’t keep him away from me. I love him and he loves me.”

  Marko’s eyes turned my way. “Is this true?” he asked, looking like he didn’t believe a word Ant had said.

  “No, I hate him,” I replied, unable to hold it in anymore. “I hate him!”

  Ant spun around, his expression turning from hurt to furious. He went for me, but Marko got to him first. He slammed him against the wall, causing me to scramble out of their way, my back hitting a basin.

  Marko pressed his body hard up against Ant’s. Although Ant was tall and muscular, Marko was more. “How does that feel?” he snarled in Ant’s ear.

  “What are you doin’?!” Ant yelled.

  Marko rubbed his crotch against Ant’s bum, making me gape. “The same as what you did to Llewellyn. You said he wanted it, so you must want this too.”

  “I don’t!” Ant yelled, trying to buck him off, but failing. “Get offa me!”

  “You didn’t stop for Llewellyn, so why should I stop for you?”

  “Please, Marko, don’t do this.”

  “Did Llewellyn plead with you to stop? Yeah, he did, didn’t he?” He slipped his hand around to Ant’s zipper.

  “No, Marko!”

  Marko pushed away from Ant, his expression disgusted. “I would never fuck you,” he spat. “But now you know what it felt like for Llewellyn, you rapey bastard.” His eyes moved to me, sadness welling up inside of them. “I’m sorry for everything Ant did to you, and for everything my group said ’bout you, the way we treated you. But most of all, I’m sorry for the way I treated you.”

  I stared back at him, not understanding why he was apologising, since he hadn’t treated me badly at all. But he continued, making me understand.

  “I should’ve stopped him from hurting you, yet I did nuthin’, allowing him to continue even though I knew it wuz wrong. I turned a blind-eye to your suffering. All those balls to your face, all those shoves and insults he heaped upon you. I should’ve intervened like I did today. Too little too late. This is on me as much as it’s on Ant. I just hope you can forgive me.”

  I wrapped my arms around myself and nodded, his apology meaning so much to me. “Thank you,” I said softly, feeling like he’d lifted a massive weight off my shoulders.

  Ant let out a sob. I looked over at the boy who’d put that weight there. And he did look like a boy. For the first time since I’d met him, Ant looked his age—a sixteen-year-old crying over the loss of his best friend. Then I saw something change on his face, sorrow morphing into rage, all of it directed at Marko, who was still focused on me. Knowing what was coming, I yelled out a warning to Marko as Ant went for him, but Marko was faster, his fist smashing into Ant’s face without hesitation, brutal in its intensity. Ant stumbled back and fell to the floor, landing next to me. I screamed and bolted around Marko, using him as a barrier.

  “Leave,” Marko said.

  I didn’t respond, not knowing whether he was talking to me or Ant.

  “Leave!” he hollered.

  I didn’t wait around. I was out that door and running home so fast that I didn’t stop until I was standing in front of my own door, struggling to get it open. It took a few goes before I could get my shaky hands to work the lock, but by then I was wheezing so badly I wasn’t sure I would make it to my bedroom in time.

  I burst through the door, desperate for the spare inhaler on my bedside table. My other one was still in my school bag, lying on the restroom floor. I stumbled into my room and snatched up the inhaler, taking a desperate puff. I took another puff ten counts later, jumping at the sound of my mam’s voice. I turned towards my door, seeing her staring at me, her expression surprised.

  “What on God’s green earth is going on, Llewellyn?” she said, walking towards me, her hazel-green gaze dropping to the damp patch on my pants. “You wet yourself?” She looked back up at me. “Why?”

  Incapable of telling her, I burst into tears and shot past her, rushing out of the house, ignoring her shouts to come back.

  17

  JENNA

  I didn’t know what had happened to Marko, but he looked like death warmed up. He’d only just returned after leaving Maths for ‘a slash’ over half-an-hour ago. He should’ve said he was going for a crap if he wanted to make it more believable, because boys took forever to take a shit, and I should know since I had two brothers, the gross arseholes always stinking up the loo. But nope, Marko didn’t even try to cover whatever he’d gone out for. It didn’t help that he was seething, the tendons in his neck ready to snap. I wondered whether it had anything to do with Ant, my new bestie having gone AWOL.

  “Marko, where have you been?” the newish Maths teacher asked.

  He continued towards his desk, muttering, “The loo.”

  Ms. Farris thrust out her big chest, probably thinking it gave her some sort of superpower over boys. “It doesn’t take that long to take a pee,” she said, her nose as big as her chest... well, not exactly, but it was still a whopper. “So, out with it. What have you been doing?”

  Marko flicked her an annoyed look, clearly not as impressed with her twin peaks as his buddy Joel was. The stoner had been staring at her breasts since the beginning of class, not even trying to hide it.

  “That’s none of your biz,” Marko growled, his rude response definitely not the norm.

  “Excuse me?” Ms. Farris said, looking as surprised as moi.

  Ignoring her, Marko edged behind Joel, taking his seat by the window.

  “Marko! I won’t stand for this. Go to the principal’s office.”

  “Make me,” he growled, his tone threatening.

  She opened her mouth, snapping it shut a second later, his reply clearly leaving her speechless. She lifted her marker, looking like she was going to try again, but instead spluttered out something unintelligible and spun around to face the whiteboard. She started writing an equation on it, her hand shaking like crazy.

  Still in disbelief that Marko had talked to a teacher like that, let alone a female one, I went to ask what was up, but Joel got in first.

  “What happened?” Joel asked. “And where’s Ant?”

  “Gone,” Marko replied, his blue-grey eyes saddening for a moment before going cold.

  “Gone where?”

  “To hell for all I care.”

  Joel opened his mouth to ask another question, but Marko leaned forward, growling something at him. Joel jerked his head back, giving the impression that Marko had threatened him. Then Marko’s cold gaze shifted to me. He moved his finger in a circle, indicating for me to turn around. I did, wondering what the hell had gone down between him and Ant.

  The remainder of Maths went painfully slow, my need to find out what had happened like an itch I couldn’t scratch, which was growing more and more irritating by the second. So, when the bell finally rang, I spun around to interrogate Marko, but before I could open my mouth, he was out of his seat, ready to do a runner.

  Luckily, Joel jumped to his feet, blocking his way. “Tell me what happened,” he snapped, “and don’t fuckin’ threaten me again, you bastard.”

  “It’s none of your biz, so piss off.”

  “It is my business. Ant’s my mate too.”

  Marko grimaced. “If you knew what he did, he wouldn’t be.”

  “What did
he do?”

  “That’s between him and me, so move.”

  Joel shook his head, causing his dreads to jiggle, making me think of snakes. “You’re not leaving until you tell me what he did.”

  Marko leaned his face down to Joel's. “Move,” he growled so low I almost didn’t hear it. “Or I’ll make you.”

  “No. Is this ’bout your cousin? Did Ant butt-fuck her again?”

  Anger shot across Marko’s face, which was all the warning Joel got before he was shoved back into the desk across the aisle. He grabbed at it, saving himself from landing on his arse.

  The teacher yelled, “Marko!”

  Marko thrust a finger at her, snapping, “Keep outta this, bitch!”

  Her eyes went wide, but not as wide as mine. “Whoa!” I said, not believing that had come out of Marko’s mouth. Ant said crap like that, not Sunday school Marko. Whatever had happened must’ve shook him up bad, because this really wasn’t like him.

  A second later guilt slapped him in the face, what he’d said dawning on him. It made me feel sorry for him because he was normally such a sweetheart, but instead of apologising to Ms. Farris, he went to leave, looking like he couldn’t get out of the room fast enough. That was when the second biggest What the fuck! moment of the day happened.

  Rhoda stepped in front of Marko.

  My mouth hit the floor, gobsmacked that she’d chosen this moment to finally approach him. What was she thinking?! Was she blind as well as dumb?

  But instead of snapping at her to move out of his way, Marko’s shoulders sagged as though Rhoda had poked him with a needle, letting out all the hot air. He waited for whatever she had to say, clearly noticing her shaking like a willow in a storm.

  “Don’t worry about Joel, you can sit with me at morning tea,” she said, her voice also shaking. When he didn’t reply, she quickly added, “I have cake, it’s chocolate. Chocolate always makes me feel better when I’m down. We can share.”

  “Sure, just gotta go to the bog,” he said, taking off between the desks, the teacher having already left with her tail between her legs.

  “He said yes!” Rhoda squealed.

  Joel grunted, “Nope, he said sure, which is his way of sayin’ no.” His upper lip curled with disdain as his gaze swept over her. “Cos he wouldn’t sit next to your giraffe arse even if ya paid him.”