Relative Happiness

by Lesley Crewe

  Beth’s eyes started to water. “You know what really hurts?” She turned to look out the kitchen window. “There are days like today when I can’t stand it anymore. The light is the same as the day he died. The wind is the same. Some trigger of that terrible day hits me in the face.”

  Beth looked back at Lexie.

  “Your body remembers, even when you try desperately to distract yourself. Your body remembers and you live it all over again.” Beth hugged her arms across her chest to try and hold it in.

  Lexie looked down at the floor. It was too hard to see Beth’s face.

  “Lexie, I know it’s difficult for you. But I get frustrated, so angry, when I see the five of them out there. There should be six. Sometimes I do look at Joshua and think, why’s he allowed to stay? I love Joshua, but why can’t Willie be here too? That’s all. Why can’t he be here with his grandparents too? It’s so unfair.”

  “I know.”

  “Actually, Lex, you don’t.”

  Joss drove down Smokey, on his way to Sydney to buy Christmas gifts for his fifteen nieces and nephews. His mother was delighted to see him. She baked his favourite desserts. His old man was his usual self, obstinate and opinionated. He insisted he was more than capable of handling his lobster boat next season. With the help of Jimmy, a local kid, and Skipper, he’d be fine.

  Skipper was a yellow Labrador, a loyal and intelligent dog. No one would believe Joss when he’d tell them his father’s dog could steer a lobster boat. Not for hours, mind you, and only in a straight line, but he kept the wheel steady when Danny and Jimmy hauled in the traps. But that didn’t afford Helen much comfort. Danny was now in his seventies. He was still a big, strong man, but Helen knew how he suffered with the pain of his arthritic joints from the damp and fog.

  His dad didn’t look too bad to Joss, who reminded his mother that Danny was the type of man who’d rather die in the boat than on a hospital bed. Most lobster fishermen didn’t even know how to swim. They never wanted to get into the water once they docked for the day. If they went over the side, they went over the side.

  Helen got cross.

  “What is it with men? Why do they think it’s a good thing if one day they sail away and never come home? Do they ever think of the women they leave behind? The ones who watch from shore?”

  Joss had nothing to say to that. His mother wouldn’t have heard it anyway. She left her kitchen in a huff.

  Joss looked at his list when he got to the mall and had armloads of parcels before he knew it. The place was packed. There were a lot of men about, it being only a few days before Christmas, and he ran into a number of people he knew. Everyone from Neil’s Harbour came down to the city to shop, but of all the people he ran into that day, one of them had to be Donalda. He was actually excited to see her. Joss couldn’t remember Tom’s last name, so he had planned on phoning some of his mates to get Tom’s number once Christmas was over. And Tom, in turn, would surely keep in touch with Lexie.

  But here was Donalda, a convenient shortcut to his plan.

  “Hi Donalda.”

  She turned around and looked like she was about to faint.

  “How are you?”

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Shopping. How’s Lexie?”

  She didn’t answer him. Perhaps she couldn’t hear him. There was a lot of noise, what with “Jingle Bells” turned up full blast.

  “How’s Lexie?” he said louder.

  “She’s married.”

  He turned around and left.

  He was there for Christmas but told his parents he had to leave the next day, that something had come up at work. His mother went into the yard to say good-bye. Aaron was in the truck, ready to take him to the airport.

  She gave him a big squeeze. She only came up to his chest.

  “Take care, son. I’ll miss you. When will you come home again?”

  “I don’t know, Ma.”

  He gave her one last kiss.

  “Christ Almighty,” Aaron yelled. “Enough with the goodbyes. Get in the goddamn truck.”

  Joss watched as he left the earth. The ground got farther and farther away. He watched until he could make out the shoreline, the coast, then the Highlands in the distance. The hills where he had loved her. He watched until he could watch no more.

  He watched as he descended to earth. The ground got closer and closer. He watched the city lights spread over the landscape like a grid map, so different from the one he’d left behind many, many hours ago.

  Binti clung to him, with her tiny arms around his neck the entire time. The flight attendants had to put his tray on the seat beside him. They fussed over them both. He was grateful to be in first class. There were empty seats around him and it was easier for Binti to settle down in the quiet. She was rattled easily by noise and confusion.

  They touched down and stayed put until everyone was off the aircraft. The kind airline crew told him how sweet his little girl was, how good she was. She never cried the whole way, even over the ocean turbulence. He thanked them and walked down the gangway, through the airport and finally to the big sliding doors. They opened and there were his mother and father.

  His mother put her fingers to her mouth, so she wouldn’t sob out loud. His dad nodded and looked stoic. He walked over and stood in front of them.

  Adrian cried.

  His mother wrapped her arms around them both.

  “It’s okay, honey. You did it. You’ll be alright now. It’s going to be alright.”

  She kissed her wonderful son and smiled into the eyes of her only grandchild.

  Chapter Eleven

  It was hard for her parents to say goodbye to Josh. She’d only be gone a month but it seemed like forever to them. As her mother mentioned numerous times, a month away from a child who was almost a year old was an awfully long time.

  Lexie was on maternity leave so she didn’t have much to arrange, only to convince Sophie it wasn’t the end of the world that she had to go back to her grandmother’s house. Lexie asked Susan to visit Sophie from time to time, and to sneak her some treats when Mom was out of view. Sue promised to undergo this covert mission with complete discretion.

  Betsy was packed to the rafters. Joshua required more equipment than a circus sideshow. The morning she left for Halifax, Lexie drove to her parents’ house to say goodbye. Mom ran out the back door. She grabbed Josh before Lexie could protest, insisting that she had to hug him properly. She covered him with kisses.

  “You come and live with Grammy. We’ll send Sophie off to Montreal with mommy. You can stay here. Won’t that be fun? Won’t that be fun?”

  Joshua put his big hands on both her cheeks and giggled. She grabbed one of his palms and kissed it over and over. She was so upset.

  Dad came out and held out his hands for him. Mom reluctantly passed him over. He walked to the big crab apple tree and they stood there for awhile. Josh reached out to touch the apple blossoms. Dad talked to him man to man.

  Lexie felt terrible, but she looked forward to being with her boy without feeling so guilty.

  “Okay, Grampy. We have to go.”

  Dad came back with his grandson and handed him to Mom so she could put him in his car seat.

  “You drive carefully Princess. You have precious cargo.”

  As she hugged him, he shoved something in her pocket. “Don’t say anything. It’s a little pin money. Buy our big fella a Montreal Canadiens hockey jersey.”

  Joshua waved like mad as they drove down the driveway. She saw her parents in the rear view mirror. Dad held Mom as she cried.

  Lexie arrived at Kate’s and left Betsy parked in their driveway. She didn’t trust the old girl to make it to Montreal. Then she and Kate and Daphne piled all of Lexie’s equipment into the small storage rig they had strapped to the roof of their brand new SUV.

  Ever the thoughtful one, Kate made sure she had a proper anchor installed in their new vehicle, so it took no time at all to get Josh safely settled in hi
s car seat. Everyone had a last-minute dash to the john and then they piled in and set off.

  They had a jolly time as they drove through New Brunswick. Josh’s new word was “twee” so he was worn out by the time they hit the Quebec border. Lexie’s nerves were shot as they drove between Quebec City and Montreal. The bumper-to-bumper traffic travelled 140 kilometres at least. Giant trucks zoomed past them and blocked out the sun. She threw a sweater over her head and prayed for forgiveness. How could she have put her child in such danger? Joshua thought it was great. His other new word was “twuck.”

  She thought it couldn’t get worse.

  It did.

  They went under the Lafontaine Tunnel, a long section of highway that snaked its way below the St. Lawrence River. Lexie swore she could feel the millions of gallons of water over her head. The noise of the vehicles as they zoomed through was eerie. It echoed, like the sound of a holler in a deep well. What if they got stuck? She felt the damp press in on her. She needed to get out of there. Anything was better than this.

  Then there was the Montreal traffic. Kate drove while Daphne tried to figure out the lousy map, which neglected to mention that some side streets were one way.

  “Where do I go?” Kate yelled.

  “I have no frigging idea,” Daphne yelled back.

  “What does the frigging map say?”

  Daphne flapped the map around. “That frigging street is where we go, but it’s the wrong frigging way.”

  “Will you both frigging shut up!” Lexie yelled.

  “Fwig,” Joshua echoed.

  After a collective nervous breakdown, they found the darn place. It was an older brick duplex, close to McGill, in the middle of an established neighbourhood. Lexie noticed the trees were very tall and whispered in the breeze.

  The street was lined with the same style brick home right to the end. The only way to recognize one from the other was by the colourful front doors or the window boxes. The front entrances had wrought-iron gates and railings. She thought what a nice picture this row of houses would make, and resolved to unpack her camera as soon as possible.

  The first day they unpacked and sorted themselves out. Daphne and Kate took the master bedroom. Josh and Lexie went in the teenage daughter’s room, where there was a double bed but also Marilyn Manson posters, which Lexie gingerly removed and placed in the closet.

  “Don’t ever like heavy metal, Josh.”

  He grinned.

  She set up Joshua’s playpen, but he refused to sleep in it. He was in unfamiliar territory. She was two feet away but it didn’t matter—he refused to lie down. He leaned over the side and held out his arms.

  “Mama. Mama.”

  He looked at her with those big brown eyes and his shiny chestnut curls. She couldn’t stand it. She was such a pushover. She’d no doubt regret this move when she got home, but she felt homesick too. She needed him as much as he needed her.

  Kate and Daphne had to go to school, so Lexie and Josh were left to explore the city. The first morning they headed out, Lexie made her first mistake. She thought cars stopped at pedestrian crossings. She waited to cross the street for ten minutes, incredulous as everyone ignored her and whizzed by. She was so afraid, she ended up walking around the block several times.

  Finally, she caught on: she walked when everyone else walked and they walked through red lights. If enough people gathered to make a small crowd, they left the sidewalk together and silently dared cars to hit them. Incredible.

  Lexie pushed Josh in his stroller down St. Catherine Street. She gawked at gorgeous and stylish women who walked by her briskly as they spoke their rapid French. They could have stepped out of the pages of Vogue magazine. She was a country mouse—a country mouse lost in the big city.

  For most of the month Lexie wandered and enjoyed her time alone with Josh. She took him to the park every day. He loved being pushed on the swings. She recognized a few other mothers after awhile, and they’d exchange a few words of greeting. They’d point to Josh and hold up two fingers. Lexie shook her head and put up one. The only French she learned while she was there was Mon Dieu!

  They went on the bus. Josh loved to pull the cord to stop it. They liked to go to Old Montreal and take a horse and buggy ride through the narrow streets over cobblestones. The hollow clip clops of the horse’s huge feet made Josh laugh.

  One evening Kate and Daphne mentioned that they’d like to have some of their colleagues over for wine and cheese.

  “Oh, that’s wonderful,” Lexie cried. “A little adult conversation. Yippee.”

  She spent the next day shopping for their small get-together. She and Josh took their time. They bought red and white wine, different cheeses and plenty of French bread and water crackers. She stopped at a bakery and went berserk. The choice of small delicate pastries was overwhelming. She thought of Susie when she asked the proprietor for two of everything. The woman insisted that Josh have a lemon tart, as well as a big kiss.

  Lexie imagined what it would be like to live in a city and go to small shops for one thing or another. She pretended she belonged. At the end of the day, she’d go home to a small flat and a husband.

  The girls got home and between them they assembled the goodies for the party. Then they got dressed up. They’d been in jeans since they arrived. Lexie put Josh to bed early and stayed with him until he fell asleep. She crawled away gingerly and hoped he wouldn’t wake. She put pillows on the floor in case he fell off and left the door open. She made sure she had the baby monitor with her.

  Finally, the three of them enjoyed a glass of wine together. Then the doorbell rang. Daphne went to answer it. There was a happy commotion, as five people arrived at once. Everyone greeted Kate and Daphne with kisses on both cheeks.

  Kate introduced Lexie. They shook her hand warmly. Except for one man who took her hand instead, and kissed it gently.

  “Enchanté, mademoiselle.”

  “Bonjour.” That was it for her French repertoire.

  She spent the evening as the hostess, smiling but not saying much. She tried to understand their conversation, but since it was mostly about their project, it bored her stupid. She poured wine and refilled trays. And proceeded to get a little buzz on. When you don’t talk, you drink. She had three glasses of wine before she knew it. The man who kissed her hand came over and sat beside her. She tried to remember his name. She was hopeless at that sort of thing. Then it came to her, Jean-Marc.

  “So,” he asked with a gorgeous French accent, “How do you enjoy your stay with us?”

  “It’s been wonderful, now that I know how to walk across the street without being killed.”

  He laughed. He was easy on the eyes. She looked for a wedding ring but didn’t see one.

  “Montreal’s not known for its patient drivers,” he agreed. “I grew up here. I don’t notice anymore.”

  “I assume you work at McGill?”

  “Oui, in the department of psychology. I am a professeur. I try to, eh, what’s the word, deliver sense into young students. But they are too busy with thoughts of making love to listen to me.”

  “Really?” She felt herself blush. She didn’t often talk to a nice-looking man about lovemaking.

  “I think maybe you are lonely here, all by yourself most of the time. I’d like to take you to dinner one night. I love to escort beautiful women. S’il vous plaît, oui?

  He gave her a smile. Lexie’s first thought was that she was sure he could talk her into anything or out of anything quite quickly.

  “That would be lovely, thank you.”

  He kissed her hand again.

  The party finally broke up. Everyone had to work in the morning. They said their goodnights. Jean-Marc came over and said he’d call her. She nodded and smiled. He kissed both her cheeks and left. Golly, that was four kisses, she thought. She felt good.

  Kate came over to her as she waved them out the door. “So you little flirt, how did you get our Casanova so interested?”

  “As
you know darling, I taught Gabby everything she knows.”

  Lexie did go out with Jean-Marc. He picked her up at the door with a bouquet of flowers. He had all the right moves designed to impress a woman. It was a mild spring night, just perfect for a walk. As they made their way downtown, lights came on all over the city. People were out to enjoy the night air. They talked easily. Lexie was relaxed and happy.

  He took her to a bistro on Metcalfe Street. It was dark, intimate, with tables for two covered in red-checked tablecloths. Round glass containers covered with plastic mesh held the candles.

  Jean-Marc ordered wine and suggested the specialty, lamb with rosemary. They talked about everything. She told him about her family, the library and, of course, Joshua.

  He was a bachelor. His mother despaired that he’d never settle down and produce the grandchildren she desperately wanted.

  After dinner, they strolled along the sidewalk and didn’t hurry back. He took her hand and she kept it in his. It was comfortable to be with a man. She missed it.

  When they returned to the house, she faced him. “What a wonderful evening. Thank you so much. I’ll never forget it.”

  He smiled. “It was my pleasure. May I kiss you goodnight?”

  “You may.”

  He kissed her softly.

  “Will I see you again?”

  “Yes.” He kissed her once more. It felt nice.

  “Goodnight.”

  “Bonne Nuit.”

  Kate and Daphne were in their pyjamas with big mugs of cocoa cupped in their hands. They sat her down and demanded to know everything. Lexie kicked off her shoes and rubbed her feet. She wasn’t used to high heels. “He’s just a very nice man. And guess what? He asked me out again. Imagine?”

  They threw tiny marshmallows at her head.

  A week later Jean-Marc called and asked if she’d be interested in going to a cabaret. She agreed and decided to splurge on a new dress, since she’d only brought the one, and how often did one get the chance to browse in such a fashionable city?