Relative Happiness

by Lesley Crewe

  She took the Metro, for a change. She’d never been on it and since it would deliver her to large department stores without having to walk outside, it seemed very convenient.

  She soon regretted her decision. There were plenty of steep stairs to get down before arriving at the platform itself. Josh had a great time as he bounced in his stroller. Lexie was worn out.

  She finally stood on the platform. There were plenty of characters who stood there with her—university students plugged into their headphones with backpacks that looked like they weighed a ton, old women carting small wire trolleys filled with shopping, and even a few drunks and punks.

  She stayed well away from the tracks themselves. She looked around, turning her attention to the crowd on the other side of the tracks. Among those biding their time until the Metro arrived was a tall man, with long brown hair. She watched him even though his back was to her, because he felt familiar. He pointed to a poster. A little black girl held his hand. She pointed too. And then they turned around.

  It was Adrian.

  Someone hit her on the chest with the back of a shovel. She gasped for air. She looked at the child. She was adorable and Lexie knew in an instant that she was African. She didn’t know why, she just knew. She stood there and didn’t move. The roar of the train approached.

  Adrian looked up and didn’t see her at first. He slowly turned his head towards her again. He looked shocked, amazed. He threw his hand in the air to greet her, then hesitated, as if he thought better of it.

  He disappeared as the blue cars of the Metro rushed between them, with a huge swoosh of air and squealing tires. The doors opened and people poured out as others tried to get on. Lexie didn’t know what to do. She panicked and pushed Joshua’s stroller into the car. Before she could think of what she’d done, the doors shut behind her and the Metro surged ahead with a jolt.

  Lexie hung on to the steel pole in front of her. She put her forehead on its cold metal. She rushed away from Adrian down a long, dark tunnel.

  Adrian stood with Binti on the subway platform. Every time a subway car came by, he meant to get on, but he couldn’t. He thought if he waited there long enough, she would reappear, somehow miraculously come back to him.

  It was her. He was sure of it. And she had a child. She had loved someone. The thought of it made him—

  Binti got agitated. “Papa. Papa.” She held his trousers in her tiny fist and pushed at his leg.

  Adrian looked down and picked her up. “I’m sorry, pet. I’m sorry.”

  A subway car roared through the station again. This time he and his daughter got on it.

  Kate knew something was wrong as soon as she and Daphne came home at the end of the day. Lexie hadn’t started dinner. She sat in the dark, in the living room, with Josh asleep in her arms.

  Kate was frightened. “What’s wrong?”

  “I saw Adrian today.”

  “Adrian? Where?”

  “On the Metro.”

  “Did you speak to him?”

  “No.”

  “Did he see you?”

  “Yes.”

  “He didn’t say anything?”

  “No.”

  “I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t he speak to you, at least?”

  “He doesn’t care.”

  “I’m sure that’s not true, Lex.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  Kate went back into the kitchen. Daphne looked worried.

  “What is it?”

  “She saw Adrian.”

  “Really? What did he say?”

  “That’s the problem. He didn’t say anything.”

  “Oh, gosh. Poor Lex.”

  Lexie asked Kate to send her regrets to Jean-Marc. She told her to make up some excuse. She didn’t want to see him again. Men made your life miserable. She had no energy to put up with them anymore.

  Kate did tell him. He called the apartment and left his phone number. He asked her to call him back. She didn’t. He eventually got the message.

  She stayed indoors that last week. She wanted to go home to her little house, to Mom and Dad, to people who loved her. To Sophie and Susie.

  Kate and Daphne couldn’t give her much comfort. Lexie knew they felt guilty about not being able to take her home right away, but they had their work to do.

  She decided to call Susan. She’d cheer her up, she always did. Susie would be on her side. Lexie dialled the number.

  “Hi Susie, it’s me!” she yelled into the phone, as if Susie were a thousand miles away, which she was.

  “Oh Lexie, do I ever miss you! I can’t wait for you to come home. I just can’t wait.”

  “Why can’t you wait?”

  “I can’t wait for you to meet Ernie!”

  “Who on earth is Ernie?”

  She sounded so excited. “A man I met and it’s all because of Sophie!”

  “The two of you wandered into a bar and picked up guys?”

  “You’re so funny.”

  “But Sue—”

  Susie talked right over her. Lexie couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

  “You know how you told me to make sure Sophie didn’t waste away at your mom’s? So I go over there and Sophie’s in a big snit under the chair in the living room.”

  She took a breath. “Your mother went to the kitchen to make tea. I knelt down and whispered that the cavalry had arrived. I held out my treats and she just about tore my hand off. She gobbled everything.”

  She took another breath. “I had to go buy more stuff. I stopped in at the new pet store off Charlotte Street. There was Ernie! He’s the owner. He’s so nice Lexie. He’s so gentle with little animals. He’s not much to look at mind you, but then neither am I.”

  “That’s not true.”

  She giggled and continued. “I bought some stuff for Sophie. I went back the next day and said Sophie hated it—a downright lie as you well know. That cat will eat a tin can, if given half a chance.”

  She inhaled. “He gave me his deluxe brand. The next day I went back and said I’d like a gerbil. He sold me one. His name is Laraby—the gerbil, not the pet store guy. I went back to get more supplies for Laraby and Ernie asked me to go to the movies with him! So we went. The next Friday he called and asked me out again. We went to the show and then to the Dairy Queen for Peanut Butter Parfaits! Oh, Lexie, he’s so nice to me. I’m in love!”

  There was no way on God’s green earth Lexie was going to ruin this girl’s day.

  “Susie, I’m so happy for you. No one deserves it more than you.”

  “Thanks, Lexie. I knew you’d be thrilled for me. Donalda’s given me the cold shoulder, naturally. By the way, have you had a good time?”

  “Yes dear, a great time, but I can’t wait to get home.”

  “Everyone’s dying for you to come back. Your parents are out of their minds. All they want is to hold Josh again. Is he bigger? God, what did I just say?! This is Joshua. I can’t wait to hold him either, and have Ernie meet him. I’ve told Ernie all about our big guy!”

  Lexie said goodbye to the happiest girl in the world. She put down the phone and wept.

  She needed to be home.

  Chapter Twelve

  It was déjà vu, only everything was in reverse. As she drove in the driveway Mom ran out the back door and squealed. Dad waved and smiled behind her. Boy, did she need this kind of reception to give her a lift. There’s nothing like having your parents glad to see you. Lexie turned off the engine and climbed out to be enfolded in their loving arms.

  There was no one there. They were on the other side of the van, clawing at the door, trying to be the first one to reach Joshua. Once they had a hold of him, all hell broke loose. There were tears and kisses and hugs by the bucket full. As an afterthought, they came over and gave Lexie a quick kiss. Then they turned around as a unit and whisked her kid into the house and left her standing in the backyard all by herself.

  Well.

  Finally Dad stuck his head back
out the screen door.

  “Get in here, Princess. Give your old Dad a hug.”

  That’s better.

  Lexie invited Susan and Ernie over for dinner shortly after she got back. She made lasagna and a huge salad, had wine, garlic bread and strawberry shortcake with whipped cream for dessert. She wanted to impress Ernie, to let him know how special he was, to Susan and her friends.

  She’d spoken to Susan on the phone when she got home but hadn’t seen her. Lexie had to get her house in order and Susan finally had a life. She looked forward to seeing her old pal.

  The doorbell rang and they came right in.

  What is it about the love of a man that makes a woman beautiful? Susan was aglow. She had cut her hair into a short bob that made it look thicker. It bounced around her face. She wore make-up and a nice sweater and skirt.

  Lexie knew why she fell for Ernie. He was shy and unassuming. He had kind eyes and a gentle way about him, perfect to reassure small creatures. Lexie loved him.

  Sophie loved him too. She came over and rubbed his legs immediately.

  “This is a beautiful cat!” Ernie said. Lexie was pleased. So was Sophie.

  Susan introduced Ernie to Joshua. Ernie reached down and gave his hand a little shake. Josh gave him his goofy grin.

  “Oh Lexie, did I ever miss this little guy,” Susan said.

  “He’s not so little!” Ernie remarked.

  “He’ll always be our little baby. Right Lexie?”

  “Right Susie.”

  All too soon, Lexie had to get back to work. Her maternity leave was up. The thought of it made her sick to her stomach. She and Josh were a team, their own little family. To spend eight hours a day without her other half was going to be as painful as being torn in two.

  She fretted about being able to find a daycare centre she could trust. She didn’t want the caregivers to treat him like a two year old, and not understand he was still just a baby himself. There were two thousand reasons why she didn’t want him to go.

  Then Mom solved everything.

  One day, out of the blue, she said, “Would you trust me to look after Joshua when you go back to work?”

  Lexie’s first reaction was instant joy. Then worry.

  “What will Beth say?”

  “What’s Beth got to do with it?”

  “Won’t she be put out? You never looked after her girls when they were little.”

  “Of course, I didn’t. She stayed at home with her girls, and had a husband to help her.” Mom sounded puzzled. “I did baby-sit for her. Do you mean to imply I treat Joshua differently than my granddaughters?”

  “No.”

  “What then?”

  “She’ll think Josh receives special treatment, and she’ll hate me.”

  “Listen dear,” Mom said, “you can’t walk on egg shells around your sister forever. I have every right to be delighted with my grandson. If Willie was here, and God knows how much I wish he was, I’d behave the same way with him. I don’t spend as much time with the girls as I’d like. They’re a tribe, all on their own. They overwhelm me at times. Four little screamers…all like their mother.”

  Lexie smiled.

  Mom took her hand. “I’d like to help you Lexie. I see how hard you try to give Joshua all he needs. It can’t be easy on your own. You look lonely. I know how much you love him, how you hate to be parted from him. It might make your life easier, if you knew he was with me all day, instead of with strangers.”

  “I love you so much, ” was all Lexie could think to say.

  “For Jesus’ sake, will ya give it up?” Marlene cried, as Lexie dialled her mother’s number yet again. “The poor woman won’t be able to take care of the kid if she has to run to the phone every five minutes.”

  “You’re right.” She hung up. “I just miss him terribly. I wonder what he’s up to, and what he’s had for lunch. You know.”

  “Well, I imagine Bam Bam’s pulled your mom on the back of his wagon all morning and just sat down to a plate of ribs.”

  “Oh, shut up. Why does everyone make fun of how big he is?”

  Judy said, “Because everyone’s jealous, dear. They all wish they had such a gorgeous child.”

  Lexie was mollified. “Thank you.” She stuck her tongue out at Marlene. Marlene stuck hers right back.

  They soon had a nice routine. Lexie got Josh ready in the morning and took him to her mother. She didn’t even have to get out and take him inside. More often than not, Mom would wait by the door, run out and grab him from his car seat. He was always delighted to see her. They’d wave her goodbye.

  Mom looked ten years younger with Josh around. Her friends thought she was nuts to run after a baby all day, but she didn’t seem to mind.

  After three weeks Lexie started to relax and stopped pestering her mother every hour. That’s when there was a phone call for her at the library. No one ever called her at the library. She panicked instantly and ran to the phone.

  “Hello!?”

  “Lexie, calm down. It’s all right. Everything’s all right,” her mother said.

  “Well, if it’s all right, why are you calling me?!”

  “Everything’s fine. Josh is fine. He had a little accident.”

  “An accident? What kind of an accident?”

  “Lexie! Get a hold of yourself and calm down. You’ll be useless to everyone if you don’t stop shouting. These things happen to little kids.”

  Lexie took a deep breath. “Alright, tell me.”

  “I was over at Beth’s and the lid on Joshua’s cup came off and he ended up covered in sticky apple juice, that’s all. Beth gave him a bath and had Josh by the arm to help him out of the tub, when he slipped. She held on because she didn’t want him to fall and hit his head, but I’m afraid his arm came out of its socket.”

  “Oh, my god!”

  Judy and Marlene looked frightened.

  “Why aren’t you with him?”

  “I had to stay with the girls. Beth had him wrapped up and out the door so fast, I couldn’t stop her.”

  “Where is he?”

  “At outpatients. Look dear, why don’t…”

  Lexie threw down the phone and ran for her car keys. Judy ran after Lexie, and Marlene ran after her. “My God, what is it?”

  “It’s Josh, he’s at the hospital and I have to go!” She ran out the door.

  Judy hollered after her. “Do you want me to drive you?”

  But Lexie and her van had already disappeared.

  Passing the poor slobs waiting to see a doctor, Lexie opened the big door that separated the waiting room from the outpatient department itself, and ran down the corridor. She looked into cubicle after cubicle. A nurse yelled at her. She didn’t stop.

  She found them. Joshua sat on the bed with a tear-stained face while Beth rubbed his arm. A young doctor stood beside them.

  “Joshua!”

  “Mama!” He held out his arms and she grabbed him. He buried his face in her neck and his legs held her in a death grip.

  She gave Beth the dreaded big sister look. “What happened?”

  Beth cried, “Oh Lexie, it was all my fault!” She tearfully recounted the story. She said over and over how sorry she was. She never meant to hurt him.

  Lexie felt much better with her baby in her arms.

  “Of course, it not your fault, Beth. You did the right thing. You got him here quickly and I’m very grateful. Now stop crying.”

  Beth looked at her and did what she was told.

  Lexie turned to the doctor, who they ignored during this exchange. “Is he all right?”

  “Sure, he’s fine. He can take it. He’s a big lad. Once you pop the arm back in place, there’s instant relief.”

  “Well, that’s something.” She bounced Josh up and down and felt his hot breath on her. He was calmer.

  The doctor headed out the door. Lexie was incredulous.

  “Well, what do I do? Should I put his arm in a sling for awhile?”

 
; “Nope.”

  “Do I give him Tylenol for the pain?”

  “Naw, he’s tough. He’d probably beat me at arm wrestling.”

  She’d had enough. She got in his face. “Listen kid. You think because my son’s big, he doesn’t have feelings. He doesn’t feel pain? If I pulled your arm out of its socket, right about now, you’d bawl like a baby too. So I suggest you brush up on your bedside manner and get out of my way.”

  She turned to Beth. “Let’s go.”

  Beth followed her like a little lamb, right out the door.

  Lexie stayed home for the next few days, more for her sake than Joshua’s. She needed to see for herself that his arm was better.

  Her mother called. “Dearest, I really don’t think it’s necessary to hover over him. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of him.”

  “I know that, Mom. I just need to be here.”

  “For heaven’s sake, stop feeling so guilty, Lexie. You can’t be by his side every minute of the day. What are you going to do when he goes to school and starts roughhousing with other little boys?”

  “Maybe I’ll home-school him.”

  “You’re a lunatic.” Her mother hung up on her.

  Two days was long enough to convince Lexie that Josh was perfectly fine. Naturally, she fretted all day but there were no phone calls for her at the library. She hurried to her mother’s after work. Beth and the girls were over visiting.

  Mom was on the phone and she gestured that Josh was upstairs. Lexie nodded and went to get him. She heard Beth’s voice. She stopped by the bedroom door and looked in. Beth had Josh on the bed as she changed his diaper. She kissed his tummy and blew on it, making funny noises. Josh laughed his deep rumbly laugh and smiled at her, his hands in her hair.

  “Who’s Auntie Beth’s special boy? Is it Josh? Is it Joshua?” She nibbled his toes. “Yum, Yum, Yum.”

  Thank you God. Thank you.

  Lexie was washing the floors one Sunday when the phone rang. It was Susie.

  “I’m getting married!”

  “Oh my god!”

  “Can you believe it?”

  “Of course I can believe it. Did he get down on one knee?”