Relative Happiness

by Lesley Crewe

  “I have to go and put the oven on,” she laughed, as Adrian tried to keep her in the bed.

  “I want to snuggle. Please.”

  “Two more minutes.”

  She held him close and listened to his heart beat. This was so nice, so peaceful. She needed this. But she still had to put the oven on if they were going to have pot roast for supper.

  “All right. I’ll give you two minutes. Then you have to get back up here and give me a hug.” He looked at his watch and put his hands behind his head. “Starting now.”

  She giggled, grabbed her robe and threw it around her. She ran downstairs and turned on the oven.

  The doorbell rang.

  God, Mom’s early.

  She ran to the door and opened it. “It’s not four yet,” she laughed.

  Joss was standing there.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Her mouth dropped open. She grabbed the front of her robe and held it in front of her, as if to protect herself.

  “Joss. My God.” Her heart pounded. It was so painful, she wanted it to stop.

  He gave her that gorgeous lopsided grin and looked her over from top to bottom. “Hi, Lexie.” He put his hands in his jeans pockets. “I’m glad to see I have the right house.”

  She practically screamed at him. “Why are you here?”

  “I wanted to see you.”

  Her pulse banged in her ears. “What for? Are you crazy?”

  He didn’t say anything.

  So she did scream at him. “You can’t just show up now. What are you doing to me?”

  He took his hands out of his pockets and rubbed his hands together. “Look, Lexie. I didn’t want to scare the life out of you. I just wanted to talk.”

  Her tears scalded her eyes. “About what!?”

  “Lexie, whoa. Maybe I should go.”

  It was the first time she ever saw him look unhappy. She couldn’t just yell at him by the door. She didn’t know what to do. Then she heard Adrian call out, “Time’s up.”

  She looked over her shoulder and yelled back up the stairs. “I’m coming.”

  “Hey. Three’s a crowd. I’ll go.” He turned around.

  She reached out to grab his sleeve. “No! Wait. I’m sorry. You just gave me such a surprise. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

  “Look, Lexie, if you have someone else, all you have to do is tell me. Are you married?”

  “No. No. It’s not that.” She tried to think. And then she didn’t think. “Could you wait in the kitchen till I get dressed?”

  “I don’t want to make trouble.”

  She pulled him in the door. “It’s no trouble. Just go to the kitchen and stay there. I’ll be right down.”

  He shrugged. “Okay, then.” She pointed the way and he walked down the hall.

  Lexie’s mind was a blank. She ran upstairs, went into the bathroom and threw cold water on her face.

  She heard Adrian say, “You’re a minute late.”

  She ran into the bedroom and sat on the bed.

  “Adrian, I know this sounds weird, but someone has shown up and I have to talk to them in private. I didn’t know they’d be here, so it’s a big surprise. But I really need to talk to this person, and if I don’t do it now, it may be my only chance.”

  He looked confused, but said, “Well, sure, don’t worry about it.” He got out of bed. “I’ll get dressed and go for a walk. How long do you want me gone?”

  “A couple of hours, maybe.”

  “All right.” He looked so sweet as he gathered up his things. He was always so considerate. She went right up to him and kissed him hard.

  “I love you Adrian. Don’t ever doubt that.”

  He held her for a minute. “Are you in trouble, Lexie? Is there anything I can do?”

  She kissed him again, as if to give herself courage. “I’m not in any trouble.”

  He put on his jeans, threw his sweater over his head, shoved his feet in his loafers and grabbed his jacket.

  “Could you go out the front door?”

  He nodded. She hugged him. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  He left.

  She washed her face again. She splashed the water over and over as if to clear her head. She grabbed her jeans and the first t-shirt she saw, stopping at the top of the stairs to take several deep breaths. This couldn’t be happening.

  When she went into the kitchen Joss stood by the sink, looking out at the view through the window.

  She looked at him. God, she didn’t want him here. He frightened her. He set her on fire and she didn’t want to burn.

  He turned and smiled. “Did your friend leave?”

  She nodded.

  “Is this your house?”

  “Yes.”

  “It’s nice.”

  “Thanks.”

  He kept his eyes on her. Stop it. Stop it.

  “What do you want, Joss?”

  He put those hands back in his pockets. “I told you. I wanted to see you.”

  “Why now?”

  “Can I sit down?”

  She realized she was as rigid as plank. She needed to relax. She also had to calm down and stop being so rude. She blew out a big breath of air. “I’m sorry. Of course, you can sit down. Would you like something to drink?”

  “No thanks.”

  He walked across the kitchen and they sat. Her heart raced. She tried to inhale slowly. “What did you want to see me about?”

  “I wanted to see if you were going out with anyone.”

  “You stroll in now, to ask me for a date?”

  He gave a little laugh. “Yeah. Basically.”

  She stared at him.

  “Look, Lexie, I’m not good at explanations. I’m a pretty simple guy. I just wanted to see if you remembered me.”

  To borrow a line from Susie, as if she could forget.

  “Yes, of course I remember you. But the last time I saw you, you were on your way to Alaska, to rock the world of about a hundred other women. That’s what you do best isn’t it? That’s what you made clear from the start.”

  He looked down at the floor. “I suppose you’re right. That is the way I’ve lived my life. But a man can change.”

  She watched him. “How did you find me, Joss?”

  “It wasn’t hard.”

  She floundered, “But, why are you back here? I was under the impression you were a mystery man and no one could contact you.”

  “Well, I was under contract in Alaska—but it wasn’t a permanent job. I always knew I’d come home.”

  She couldn’t believe it. This was too much. “Was I supposed to know that? Where’s home?”

  “Neil’s Harbour.”

  Maybe three hours away.

  She folded her arms on the table in front of her and laid her head on them. She didn’t know what to think. She was in a deep well of sorrow.

  She finally lifted her head to look straight at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “We didn’t talk a lot, as I remember.”

  He’d betrayed her. “I thought you were from far away.”

  “If I was from that far away, why would I be helping a bunch of friends in Chéticamp?” He said it as if it was easy to understand. “I was home that fall for my brother’s wedding.”

  He stopped for a minute and leaned towards her. “Look, Lexie, all this is irrelevant. I came back here to see you. It’s as simple as that.”

  Her energy seeped away. “Why? Oh God, Joss. Why have you come?”

  He gave her that look that turned her insides to mush. “I want you.”

  She couldn’t say anything.

  “Lexie, you were special. I knew that from the very beginning. But I assumed when I left that the usual thing would happen. I’d eventually forget about you and move on to the next girl.” He rubbed his hands over the tops of his legs, as if they bothered him. “That’s how it’s always been. But every time I was with someone, it was your face I saw. That’s never happ
ened to me. I couldn’t get you off my mind. Gradually, I realized maybe it was the real thing. It took me awhile to figure out.”

  “Why did you stay away so long then?”

  He smiled. “I was stupid. I’d started a new business and bank managers don’t care about your love life.”

  She put her hands over her face. He talked, but she didn’t want to see him anymore. It was too hard to look at him.

  He sounded confused. “I don’t know what’s wrong, Lexie. I didn’t mean to come here and hurt you. I only wanted to tell you, I think I love you. In fact, I know I do.”

  She still wouldn’t look at him.

  “I came for you once. Someone told me you were married. So I left.”

  She took her hands away. “What?”

  He didn’t answer her question. “I look at you and I want you so bad it hurts. I thought maybe you felt something for me too. But if you have someone else in your life, I’ll go away and never come back. It would be my own fault, for not getting here sooner. If you want me to go, I’ll go.”

  Big tears rolled down her face.

  “Hey now, hey now, don’t do that, Lexie. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to cry.”

  He reached out to take her hand. He stood and pulled her to him, to comfort her. He held her and cradled her head. “Don’t, baby girl. It’s okay, Lexie. I’m right here.”

  She put her hands up to reach around him and he picked her up in his big arms.

  She buried her face against his neck. “You have to go Joss. You have to go.”

  He held her tighter.

  “But before you go, take me upstairs and love me.”

  He didn’t need to be asked twice.

  What was she doing? What was she going to do? “Joss, you have to go.”

  She tried to leave. She tried. He held her back.

  “You love me, Lexie.”

  He was behind her. He put his hand up through her hair.

  “No.”

  “You love me, Lexie.” He kissed the nape of her neck.

  “No.”

  “I know you do. You can’t make me believe you don’t.” He pushed her down, leaned over and held her head between his hands. He rubbed his thumb slowly over her lips. Oh no. She took it inside her mouth and bit it. He slowly slid it out and kissed her. She disappeared inside that kiss.

  It took every ounce of energy she had to tear herself away.

  “Joss. Let me up.”

  Her voice was cross. He got up immediately.

  She got up off the bed and put on her clothes. He stared at her as if he couldn’t believe it.

  “Joss, I don’t have a lot of time. I know you won’t understand this. I don’t understand it myself. But you have to go.”

  “Why?”

  “Because the man I love will be home in fifteen minutes.”

  “What did you just say?”

  “You heard me.” She rushed around and straightened things up.

  He jumped off the bed and started to put on his own clothes. “The man you love is in this room.”

  “I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to hurt you.” She brushed her hair and passed Joss his shirt and shoes.

  He looked angry. “And how long have you known this man if you can get into bed with me, ten minutes after I show up at your door?”

  She ran into the bathroom to throw more water on her face.

  “I’ve loved him for years.”

  Joss waited for her to pass through the bathroom door. He grabbed her arm in his big hand and made her look at him. “Years? Is that what you just said?”

  “Yes.”

  He came very close to her. “Tell me Lexie. Did you love him when you made wild love to me in that cabin for a week? Was he the love of your life then?”

  She pulled her arm away. “I don’t have to tell you anything. You just have to get out of here.”

  “Fine.” He threw on his shirt, grabbed his jean jacket and started down the stairs. She was right behind him. She didn’t have a thought in her head. It happened too fast.

  She heard the front door open. She thought she’d faint. Oh, my God. Adrian.

  “Yoo hoo,” sang Mom, “it’s only us.”

  And she and Joshua walked in the door.

  The four of them stood there and didn’t move. Mom was startled. Joshua stared at Joss. Lexie was behind Joss so she didn’t see his face, but his body went rigid. Lexie put her hands over her mouth. She didn’t want to scream.

  Joshua started to look frightened. “Mama, Mama.” She ran down the stairs past Joss and picked up her baby, more to comfort herself than anything.

  Some of the shock started to wear off Mom. She looked at her. “Do you need me, Lexie?”

  Lexie shook her head no.

  “Then I’ll be in the kitchen.” She looked at Joss. “Excuse me.” She went down the hall.

  Lexie watched her go, because she didn’t want to see Joss’s face. Finally she had to look. Joshua pointed at him.

  “Who dat?”

  She didn’t say anything. Joss looked at her. The hurt in his eyes was more than she could stand.

  “I’m your father.”

  And before she could say a word, he ran down the stairs and out the door.

  Lexie held onto Josh for as long as she could, but he wanted to get down. He wiggled out of her arms and ran to the kitchen. He wanted Sophie.

  She put her hands up and pulled her fingers through her hair and kept them there. She had no idea what she should do. She was numb. To stay in one spot seemed sensible, because if she moved she’d become undone.

  Her mother stood in the kitchen doorway. “Lexie?”

  She broke the trance. Lexie ran to her and sobbed. Her mother held her as she wept.

  “What is it sweetheart?” She rubbed her back. “Honey, was that Joshua’s father?”

  Lexie simply nodded against her sweater.

  “Come and sit down.” Mom pulled her along and sat her down. She went to the fridge and poured cold water into a glass and brought it over to her. She also brought a box of tissue. Then she turned and grabbed a clean tea towel. She put it under the faucet to get it wet, then wrung it out and came over to Lexie. She wiped her daughter’s face, as if she were a little girl, then put the cold cloth on the back of her neck. Lexie breathed a little slower. She drank some water and blew her nose. Her eyes were swollen.

  Her mother sat down beside her. “Where’s Adrian?”

  “He’ll be back soon.”

  “Does he know that…” She paused. “That your friend was here?”

  Lexie shook her head no. “He knows someone was here, but not who. I asked him to go for a walk and come back in two hours. God. Poor Adrian. What have I done?”

  “Darling. What’s this all about?”

  She gave a deep sigh. “Mom, I don’t know. I can’t think.”

  “Well, did—for God sake, what’s his name?”

  “Joss.”

  “Well, did this Joss just suddenly show up? I don’t imagine you knew he’d be here.”

  “Of course I didn’t know,” she cried. “He just turned up out of nowhere. I can’t believe this. Why? All I want is a nice little life and the minute I think I have it all figured out, some catastrophe happens.”

  Lexie pulled her hair back again. She wanted it off her face, as if she needed to see more clearly. “I thought I’d never see him again. That stupid idiot let me believe he was from far away. I honestly never—”

  “So why has he suddenly come back? Why now?”

  She was furious. “Oh that stupid man. He comes back to tell me he loves me. Loves me! He said he came back once and someone told him I was married. That’s crazy. Who’d do that? If he really loved me he’d never have left me. He should never have let me go.”

  Lexie jumped up and started to pace around the kitchen. “Then the fool tells me he’s from Neil’s Harbour! Can you believe it? He’s from Cape Breton, the stupid, stupid man.”

  “All right, Lexie,” h
er mother said impatiently, “we’ve established he’s stupid. Now tell me something. Why did he come down the stairs looking as if he’d just thrown his clothes on?”

  Lexie sat down on the chair beside her again. “Oh my God, Mom. I went to bed with him two minutes after Adrian left. What am I doing?”

  “I have no idea what you’re doing,” she frowned. “And I take it by his reaction to Joshua, you didn’t tell him he had a son before he whisked you upstairs?”

  Lexie shook her head and stuffed her fist in her mouth to keep from screaming.

  “Okay, calm down.” She pulled Lexie’s fist away. “Let’s think rationally. Don’t get too frantic. If you see him again, you’ll explain that you didn’t know where he was, but he’s more than welcome to visit Joshua from now on.”

  Lexie’s eyes widened.

  “He’s the boy’s father,” Mom said firmly. “If he wants to see his son, you have no right to keep him away, no matter who you’re involved with. You’ll work it out. You don’t have to figure it out today.”

  “Next.” It was as if she counted off a list. It gave Lexie a little focus. “If you jumped into bed with him, that must mean you still have feelings for him.”

  “I don’t!” she hollered. “It was just lust, or something. It was stupid. I love Adrian! He needs me. I love Adrian. I’ve loved him for so long, and now he comes back and he’s so sweet to me. How could I have betrayed him like that? I’m so ashamed of myself.”

  She wiped her eyes. It seemed all she ever did was cry about something. It frightened her. She didn’t want to lose herself, didn’t want to kneel on the frozen ground again. Her baby needed her.

  Mom stated it as if it were simple. “All right, Lexie. Then you have it figured out. You love Adrian. You want him in your life. You don’t owe Adrian any explanation. He was gone for a long time too. You were allowed to have other men. He left you. And you’re certainly allowed to have Joshua’s father in your life.”

  That made sense.

  “I know men,” Mom said before pausing. “I thought I did. I don’t have a great track record, though do I?”

  Lexie gave her a weak smile.

  “But I do know one thing. Don’t you dare tell Adrian what you just did. A man’s ego is pretty fragile, and I don’t think he’d understand, you being with him and then with someone else twenty-four hours later.”