Relative Happiness

by Lesley Crewe

  Lexie made a face. “How about twenty-four minutes later?”

  “God! What am I going to do with you? You told me you and Adrian wanted some time to talk over your future.”

  She gave her mother a sheepish look.

  Mom glanced around. “Not to mention the fact you’re supposed to be cooking dinner. I can’t smell anything.” She looked at Lexie. “You were cooking alright, but it wasn’t my pot roast.”

  Lexie cheered up a little. Her mother patted her hand.

  “Look, why don’t you go lie down for a few minutes. Then have a shower and put your face on. I’ll keep Adrian entertained down here for awhile and we’ll make something else for supper.”

  “What will you tell Adrian?”

  “That you had a visit from your son’s father and it upset you to see him out of the blue like that. I’ll tell him the truth—just not the whole truth.”

  Lexie reached over and took her hands. “Thank God you’re here. I’m so glad you’re my mother.”

  Mom smiled at her. “Go.”

  She lay on her bed and put the covers over her. She smelled Joss’s aftershave on the sheets. When she rolled over she smelled Adrian’s on his pillow. If it weren’t so pathetic she’d laugh.

  Her whole life she spent alone, waiting to meet someone, waiting for someone to love her. Now she had two men who said they did. The thing that bothered her the most was the look on Joss’s face when he saw his baby. But he had no right to be upset. He left her. He didn’t try and find her, or call her. How was she supposed to let him know? If she were really desperate, she probably could have tracked him down, but he told her he was as free as a bird. She didn’t want to be the one to drag him back to earth.

  She heard Adrian return and her mother give him a friendly greeting before they went back into the kitchen. Pots and pans banged around, so her speech must have worked.

  Lexie stripped the bed and remade it with fresh sheets. She took a hot shower and did what Mom told her to do. By the time she got downstairs, she looked almost normal.

  They had a nice dinner together, the four of them. She looked at Adrian and her heart melted. He was her love. She needed him. He needed her.

  Mom kissed her goodnight. She patted her face as she left, as if to let her know she’d done a good job. Lexie got Josh ready for bed.

  Adrian came and sat in the bathroom rocking chair, while Lexie knelt on the floor and gave Josh his bath. He had too many bath toys in with him.

  Adrian watched her. “Your mother said Josh’s father came today. Are you all right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you still care about him, Lexie?”

  She turned and looked at that sweet face, so full of love and concern. “No. I don’t. You have to believe me.”

  He smiled at her. “I do believe you. Why wouldn’t I?”

  She shrugged. She pulled the plug and Adrian handed her a towel. She wrapped Josh up, lifted him out of the tub and dried him off. He hated that. He always tried to escape. He finally wiggled free and ran away, his little bum disappearing into his room.

  Josh finally went to sleep. She left his room and closed the door a little. Downstairs, she curled up with Adrian on the sofa in front of the fire. They stayed like that for a long time.

  It must have been midnight, when she said, “Take me upstairs Adrian, and love me.”

  Lexie had to go to work the next day. Adrian said he’d spend the day on the phone and start working out some of the details for the changes they planned to make.

  “I have to go home soon,” he said, as he was about to scramble her some eggs. “I see you with Josh, and I miss Binti so much. She’ll wonder where I am. If I had to stay in that stupid hotel room one more night, I’d have gone out of my mind.”

  “You poor love. I’ve been so mean to you.” She hugged him around his waist and pressed her cheek into the space between his shoulder blades.

  “I can’t scramble eggs, if you won’t let me go.” He tried to look around at her.

  She kept hold of him. “That’s too bad, you’ll have to do it anyway.”

  “Okay. You asked for it.”

  He poured the eggs into the frying pan and stirred them like mad, deliberately shaking while he did it. Josh chuckled in his high chair and started to twist and shake too. She held on against Adrian’s back and felt her tears sink into his robe.

  Lexie kissed him goodbye four times. He waved to them from the front door as she drove Josh out of the yard. How often had she dreamt of that? Being together as a family.

  Mom waited in the back porch. Lexie got Josh out of the car and he ran to his grandmother, who bent down to kiss him.

  “Hi sweetie pie,” she laughed. “What should you and Grammy do today? Shall we bake some cookies?”

  Josh nodded, grinned and barrelled inside.

  Lexie staggered up the steps and Mom held out her arms to her.

  “Mommy.” She choked back tears. She couldn’t fall apart. “I’m lost.”

  Mom kept a firm grip on her. “No you’re not, sweetheart. It’s just been too much, too much emotion. Anyone would be dazed and confused.” She rubbed her back. “Gosh, you have two handsome men saying they love you. That doesn’t happen every day.”

  Lexie sighed and let her go. She reached for her ever-present Kleenex. “There was a time when I’d have been delighted with such a scenario. It just goes to show that movies and real life are vastly different.”

  “Gammy!” Josh was impatient for her to come inside. He rushed out and pulled the hem of her sweater, grunting as he tried to move her.

  “Listen, monkey, I’ll be right there.”

  “Josh, come give Mommy a kiss.” He ran over and gave her a smack, then grabbed his grandmother’s hand.

  They looked at one another. Lexie turned to go and glanced back.

  “Mom?”

  “Yes?”

  “Can you love two people at the same time?”

  “Ask your father.”

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Lexie was supposed to go straight to the library. Instead she drove up Susan’s street. Her car was still in the yard, and Ernie’s was gone, thank goodness. Lexie pulled in, got out and knocked on the back door. The radio blared inside. Susie would never hear her knock, so she tried the door and it was unlocked. She entered the kitchen, patted Ian and other assorted animals that hurried over, and went over to the radio and shut it off.

  “Susie!”

  “Is that you Lexie?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why are you here? Just a sec, I’ll be right down.”

  Lexie heard her walk around upstairs, open drawers and turn off the water. Finally her footsteps descended. She walked into the kitchen and stopped.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Lexie put both her hands over her mouth. “Susie, help me.”

  She reached for her. “Lexie, it’s all right. Come here.” She took her by the shoulders and led her out into the den and sat her on the big sofa there.

  “Tell me what’s wrong.”

  Tears poured down her cheeks. She couldn’t make them stop. She had trouble swallowing.

  “I love Adrian, Susie.”

  “I know that, you told me. He hasn’t done anything to hurt you?”

  Lexie howled. “No! He’s the sweetest man alive. I’m the stupid one who’s hurt him.”

  “Don’t be silly. You’ve never hurt anyone.”

  She jumped up and screamed. It made Susie jump.

  “I’m so stupid. I can’t believe how stupid I am.”

  “Lexie, for heaven’s sake, shut up and tell me what’s wrong.”

  She sat down and felt like a huge weight was on her. “Susie…I can’t believe this.”

  “For the love of Mike, will you spit it out.”

  Lexie held her head in her hands. “It’s Joss. He’s come back.”

  “Are you kidding!?”

  She threw her head up. “Do I look like I’m kidding?”
r />   “How did he find you? I mean, what did he want? I mean, where’s he been?”

  Lexie jumped up again, her hands clenched into fists. She punched down the air. “He loves me! That stupid man says he loves me.”

  Susie didn’t say anything, so she looked over at her. She looked excited, not horrified.

  “After all this time he came back from Alaska to find you and tell you he loves you?” She ended on a high note. “Oh my God, how romantic!”

  “Will you shut up. I need your help.”

  Susie was still distracted. “Well, what did you do, when he knocked on your door? I assume he didn’t call first.”

  “UGGG,” Lexie screeched. “I kicked Adrian out of bed and told him to go for a walk and I went downstairs and told Joss to make love to me.”

  Susie put her fingers over her mouth and squealed. “That’s so…Hollywood! Who does that? Who ever gets that lucky?”

  Lexie went over and sat in a chair. She tore at her hair. “You think this is lucky? You think I wanted this to happen? He’s ruined my life.”

  Susie gave her one determined look. “Listen lady, if you’ve come here to ask my advice, I’ll give it to you. I want you to answer me one question. If Joss showed up at your door before you knew Adrian wanted to come back, what would’ve happened?”

  Lexie opened her mouth but Susan held up her hand. “This is me, Lex. You owe it to yourself to answer the question. And remember, I know when you’re lying.”

  Lexie wouldn’t answer her. She looked at Susie’s carpet.

  Susie waited.

  Lexie’s tears started again.

  “There’s your answer. You’d have done exactly what you did. You’d have had him up those stairs so fast his head would spin.”

  “But Adrian.” Lexie sobbed.

  “I’m sure you think you love Adrian,” Susie said kindly. “You loved having him in your life. Who wouldn’t? He’s a sweetie. Look what he does. He rescues children, for heaven’s sake. I love him.”

  “What have I done? I sent Joss away. I told him I didn’t love him. I told him I loved someone else. And then Mom came in the door with Joshua, and oh Susie. He looked at his child and he knew right away. The look he gave me broke my heart. He hates me now. I’ve lost him forever.”

  If it was possible to cry any more, she did. Susie came over, knelt down beside her and put her hand on Lexie’s knee. Lexie kept her face hidden.

  “Listen to me. I was the only one who knew Joss. I was there the night you met. I saw him look at you across that dance floor. Five minutes after you went into the galley, he had you by the hand and pulled you out the door. I saw it.”

  Susie took her hands away from her face and made Lexie look at her.

  “That man loves you. He says he couldn’t get to you sooner. But he’s here. He came right up to your door as bold as brass and told you he loved you. I don’t think he’s the sort of man who would do that if he didn’t mean it.”

  “Susie. He’s from Neil’s Harbour.”

  Susie shook her head. “Can you believe it? The boy next door.”

  Lexie and Josh got home at suppertime. The lights were on in the house as they drove up. Adrian was in the kitchen. He’d made spaghetti sauce and it smelled great. Sophie watched every move, in the hopes he’d drop a piece of ground beef.

  Adrian kissed her and patted Josh on the head. “How was your day?”

  “I was a little tired,” she admitted. She took off Josh’s jacket and he roared down the hall. “Sope. Sope.”

  “Come and sit down. I’ll get you a club soda. I see you still drink the stuff.” He went ahead of her into the kitchen, and she followed. Her feet felt like blocks of cement.

  Lexie sat at the table, which was already set. Adrian went to the fridge, took out the bottle of club soda, and poured Lexie a glass. He added some ice cubes and put it in front of her.

  “Thanks Adrian,” she smiled. “You’re so nice to me.”

  “Now Josh, what would you like?”

  “Apa ju.”

  “I’m good at this dad stuff.” Adrian laughed. “I know that means apple juice.”

  She watched him take the bottle out for Josh, and put the juice in a sippy cup. He passed it to him.

  “Here you go, young man.”

  “Q.”

  “And that means thank you, right?” Adrian laughed again. Lexie gave him a smile. At that moment she couldn’t have laughed to save her own life.

  After dinner, Lexie ran a bubble bath for herself. She lay there and listened to Adrian putter around in the kitchen and talk to Sophie.

  Dear Adrian. She smiled in spite of herself. She’d dreamed of this moment for years. Adrian here, with her. She took slow, deep breaths and made herself calm down and think.

  She was a grown woman. Everyone thought they knew what she wanted. Everyone had advice. But it wasn’t their life, was it? To see Joss out of the blue like that unnerved her, that’s all—befuddled her brain to the point where she couldn’t think. Her knee-jerk reaction to Joss was a one off. He was a gorgeous man. They never talked, so they did what they did best. That’s all. She’d only known him for seven days. He told her he would leave and he did.

  Adrian travelled the world to find his child and then came back for her. For her. He said she was forever. Her loyalty was to him. Susan thought she was right but she wasn’t. She didn’t know Adrian. Only Lexie knew Adrian. She was the only one.

  He knocked on the bathroom door softly, and opened it. She looked at him. “I love you Adrian.”

  He came over and knelt beside her. He traced her face with his finger, and then put his hand at the back of her neck and pulled her towards him so he could kiss her. It took awhile. He finally let her go. “And you, my love, are the sweetest girl in the world.” She reached up. He didn’t mind getting wet.

  The full moon shone in the bedroom window. Adrian lay with his head on her breast. She thought he was asleep.

  “Lexie?”

  “Mmm?” She rubbed his temple with her thumb.

  “I didn’t get a hold of my Mum today. They weren’t home. I’ll try tomorrow.”

  “Okay.”

  “I was thinking.”

  “What about?”

  “Maybe I should go home to talk to her face to face about all this. I think it will be a big adjustment for her. And for Binti.” He sounded worried.

  “I’m sure it will be.”

  “I didn’t want to say anything before, but my feeling is… she assumed you and Josh would come to live in Montreal. I planned to move into an apartment close to them.”

  She stayed still. “Is that what you want?”

  He didn’t say anything for a few moments. “I’d be happy to stay here. I’m a little concerned about Binti. To leave some of the programs she’s involved with. She’s had to fight so hard to recover her health.”

  “That’s true.”

  “But it would have to be something we could both agree on.” He rubbed her arm. “I know this is your home. I’d never take you away if you didn’t want to go.”

  Lexie didn’t say anything.

  “All I know,” he whispered, “is that wherever you are is home to me.”

  She rubbed his temple again. “Why don’t you go to sleep, love, and we’ll worry about it in the morning.”

  “Okay.” He sounded drowsy. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  Lexie looked out the window. The moon filled the room with a ghostly light. She desperately wanted some sleep, but it wouldn’t come. She tried to relax, tried to think of nothing, but there was a feeling she couldn’t get rid of. It tugged at her. It was something Beth said once. That her body remembered, even when her mind could not.

  She stared at the moon. There was something. There was something she’d forgotten. Her room faded away. It was dark and hot. She felt like she was suffocating. She strained to see something. That’s when it hit her. It was a big shock.

  She called in sick the
next morning. She told Adrian they needed to talk, that she had the day off and she’d be right back after she dropped Josh off. He said he’d have French toast for her when she got back.

  Lexie gave Josh to her mother. “I need you to keep him until I call you.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I may be making the biggest mistake of my life, but it’s something I have to do.”

  Mom didn’t say anything. She nodded. Lexie grabbed her hand, gave it a squeeze and was gone.

  She thought perhaps she should go to Beth and talk to her, but changed her mind. This was not something anyone else could help her with. This was her journey. This was what her life was.

  She did stop at the beach, however, got out of Betsy and leaned against the hood. She didn’t go down on the sand. She filled her lungs with great gulps of cold air to give herself courage. She watched the water she loved so much, coming in and going out, never staying still. Her life had been like that, always at the mercy of tides and wind. Today, for the first time in her life, she was going to set a course. Lexie would cut the rope. She’d let Adrian go. She’d release the anchor she’d been clinging to. She had to. He didn’t belong to her.

  When Lexie came in, she took off her coat and put her keys and purse on the table. Adrian was reading the paper. She looked at him. He had the most perfect face. She loved that face. She’d loved it from the first moment she ever laid eyes on it. It killed her to do this.

  He gave her a big smile and got up. “The French toast is in the oven and I put on a fresh pot of coffee.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Let me get you a mug.” As she sat, he poured her a cup and put cream in it.

  “I’ll have it black.”

  “No large double double?”

  This is so hard. This is too hard.

  “No. Thanks.” She cleared her throat. “Adrian, we need to talk.”

  He gave her the coffee and took his seat. “I know. I should tell you about the information I found out yesterday. You wouldn’t believe how expensive it is to move.”

  “I’m not moving.”

  He looked up quickly, surprised. “Oh. All right. I thought we said we’d talk about it first?”

  “You’re not moving either.”