A Time for Hope

by T Gephart

  “Look at you all smiley and shit. And not a penis in sight.”

  While Taylah’s words had been intended flippantly—clearly there had been no penises around—they’d cut me, deeply. The fact that Alex and I still hadn’t gone down that road was more than just a sensitive issue, it was torture. He was loving and affectionate but I wanted more, craved more. His reasoning was logical; I needed time to heal, and it would kill him if he unintentionally triggered memories of the darkness I had endured. My reasoning was just as logical; I needed him to heal. It was never sex between the two of us, the connection we shared made it more and I needed to feel that again. The emotional need had surpassed the physical one so that I could to take back what was stolen from me.

  “Hell. Lexi, I’m sorry. Shit. I’ll just shut up.” Taylah noticed the slide of my smile and my lack of witty comeback, reinforcement that the old Lexi had well and truly departed.

  “Tay, don’t you dare shut up.” I leaned in closer and whispered, “It’s just been awhile since Alex and I…” There was no need to finish the sentence. It was pretty fucking obvious.

  “But you want to? Right?” She kept her voice low so as not to attract the attention of DarNell or TJ who were thankfully oblivious to our conversation.

  “Of course I want to.” Want to? The desire I had went beyond want. I was positive it was the reason I was so wound up. Though I’d pushed the issue once with Alex, all it had gotten me was a crushing rejection. After an emotional and ugly cry in the shower stall, alone, I decided to let it go, at least for now.

  The Escalade pulled up in front of the high rise that housed my office space. TJ kept the car idling as DarNell’s feet hit the footpath and cranked open my door.

  “Hey TJ, DarNell, can you give us a minute?” Taylah pulled back the door of the Escalade and closed it firmly.

  “Sorry ladies, but I’m a permanent fixture.” D leveled Taylah with his stare as he hopped back into the front seat.

  “Maybe I’ll go feed the meter or something,” TJ volunteered as he stepped out of the car, not wanting to get in on the showdown between D and Tay.

  “You can’t go hang with TJ for a couple of minutes so I can talk to my girl here in private?” She pointed to TJ a few feet away.

  “I’ve got no interest in your girlie chat so go ahead, but I’m staying put,” D affirmed.

  “Oh well suit yourself then,” she sighed. “So Lexi you see, I’ve got some crazy vaginal itching. I bet it was those damn antibiotics that did me in, I think I would have rather have lived with the cold instead of this funky smell I’ve got down…”

  “OK. Five minutes.” D ejected himself from the vehicle. “Stay in the car,” he growled as he put distance between himself and any talk of Taylah’s girly parts.

  “You really are an evil bitch,” I laughed unable to hide my amusement.

  “I’m telling you—vaginas, unless a man is in one he doesn’t want to hear about it,” she giggled.

  “So assuming we aren’t going to be discussing your fictitious case of thrush, why the need to clear security detail?” I raised my brow, my interested piqued at her rouse.

  “We’re going to talk about what you need to do.” She slid her sunglasses down the bridge of her nose.

  “What I need to do? Even for you Tay, that’s a little too cryptic.” I had no idea where she was going with this.

  “You’re in therapy right? You talk to someone to help you sort through the stuff that happened?” She gave me a cautious smile.

  “Well… Yeah… Where are you going with this?” Now I was even further confused as I tried to work out where this conversation was heading.

  “OK, I just wanted to be sure, in case I screw you up. You know, I’m trying to be responsible.” She took a long breath before exhaling slowly.

  “Taylah, stop with the fucking riddles, screw me up how? What are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about you Lexi. About you knowing how to move forward, but for some reason you’re not. I know you want to try and get back to what or who you were, but we both know, that ain’t happening. What I’m saying is, maybe what you can be now is better than what you ever were then. I’m probably giving you like the biggest mind fuck right now, and I am so sorry if I am, but I saw a glimpse of greatness before. You… taking charge. Talking to Matt, getting back to work, wanting to find out shit about Marcy—you were focused, clear, resolute. Then, just like that, you decided to buy the apartment, which incidentally was straight up badass by the way. Lexi version 2.0 is awesome. Why would you want to go back to the old one?” She paused gauging my reaction before she continued.

  “So instead of fighting it, let’s embrace it. Stop fighting the darkness Lex, it’s part of you and not all of it is bad. Maybe I’m going against all kinds of rules here, but let the old you stay where she belongs, in the past. Let’s see what the new Lexi is capable of, and I bet you a new pair of fancy, over-priced shoes that this new girl could kick the old Lexi’s ass.”

  I wasn’t shocked at Taylah’s candor, hell, I’d never known her to hold her tongue, and what she was saying made all kinds of sense to me. Everyone was tip-toeing around it, but there was no point trying to hide it. I would always wear the scars of my past, it’s what I did with them that counted now. It had felt good to make some decisions today. Not over-thinking, just doing. I was back in the driver’s seat and the only person stopping me from moving was… myself. That’s a tough realisation to come to—I was my own worst enemy. What she said was true. Deep down I knew what I had to do but for whatever reason I was scared; wondering if I’d measure up to my previous self. The self-doubt was the chain that weighed me down. No more. I was worth more than that, damn it. I owed it to myself.

  “You’re right. On so many levels, you are right. I can’t go back.” I shook my head silently. Forward, I need to move forward. “Hey Tay, I’ve got an idea,” a smile crept across my lips. The mental cogs turned wildly as my plan formulated itself on the fly.

  “Gee Lex, I always get nervous when you say that. This doesn’t involve me cooking does it? ‘Cause I’m fairly sure it was a fluke I didn’t end up with third degree burns last time,” she winced as she eyed me curiously.

  “No, no cooking,” I assured her. “I need to buy a wig, some coloured contact lenses and a new outfit.”

  “You holding up a liquor store or infiltrating an embassy?” She laughed nervously. “Just so you know, I wasn’t suggesting that the new you start a life of crime. The whole orange jump suit thing wouldn’t work with your skin tone.”

  “Nothing illegal,” I promised. “Let me go upstairs and take care of a few things, then the real work begins.”

  I opened the door of the Escalade and stepped out of the car. DarNell tipped his chin as his eyes tracked my movements. “Thanks DarNell, I can take it from here.”

  “Lexi, that wasn’t our agreement.” His massive frame blocked my progress to the door of the building.

  “New agreement, DarNell. I’m calling the shots. I’m not going to start taking any unnecessary risks, and I get you are going to be shadowing me, but you need to give me some room here. I’m walking in by myself. I will be fine. You will wait here until I’m done.” I felt stronger with each directive despite his tightening jawline.

  “You are a pain in my ass,” he muttered as I sauntered past.

  “Love you too D!”

  Chapter 3

  Covert Ops

  “ARE YOU fucking with me right now?” Alex glared at me as he walked out of our bathroom. The low-slung towel teased his hips and his skin still glistened with water from his shower. He drew a breath as he took in my adjusted appearance.

  I had taken the opportunity while he was in the bathroom to change into my new get up because deep down I knew he’d probably be less than pleased with my choice of attire. The green coloured contacts in my eyes felt weird and the long red-haired wig was itching slightly, but I was impressed with how it had all come together. I looked mark
edly different and it was certainly enough to fool anyone who wasn’t expecting the change.

  “Oh come on, I thought you liked redheads? Look, I even got some silicone fillers for my bra. How good do they look?” I squeezed my cleavage together, though I knew it would probably enrage him further.

  I had earlier gone up to my office as planned. There was a weird awkwardness that surrounded my visit as I knew it would. People were still unsure of what to say to me, some even avoiding me outright so as to not have to deal with the weirdness. It just made my resolve stronger. So after checking in with Anna and Matt and dropping off the real estate contract with legal, I took my arse downstairs to where DarNell was wearing a hole through the concrete at the curbside. He had given me disapproving grunts but spared me a lecture. Taylah had waited patiently in the car, ready to go shopping for a disguise. Yeah, maybe it was cheesy or maybe it was plain ironic, but I needed some distance between me and the ‘world’ as I re-entered it. No press following me, no need to deal with the awkward silence that usually accompanied my appearance and most of all, room to rediscover myself without being in the fishbowl.

  It had been fun picking out wigs and creating a new look. Taylah had treated the undertaking with extreme enthusiasm, insisting we give it a test run at a club tonight.

  “You look…” Alex raked his hands through his hair in frustration.

  “Beautiful? Sexy? Hot? Any one of those would be an acceptable answer,” I warned knowing he was less than pleased with my alter ego.

  “Baby, of course. You are all of those things.” His voiced softened. “Could you maybe be that with a little more clothes on?”

  “Alex, you aren’t seriously getting caveman on me? I would have worn something like this when we first met. You didn’t seem to mind then.” I smoothed the fabric on the racy Versace dress that was hugging my curves.

  Sure, I’d probably admit it was a little bit more risqué than what I usually wore, but what fun is it to have an alter ego if you can’t go all out with the dress up. Besides, it was really starting to piss me off that people assumed that because I had been sexually assaulted I was no longer able, or more to the point, allowed to be sexual. That shit was not cool and I was done with the guilt for feeling like a woman, and if I wanted to walk nude across the Brooklyn Bridge it was my right to do so without highbrow ignoramuses judging me. Well, they could judge me, but I would just no longer care.

  “I thought the idea of a disguise was not to attract attention? I can tell you right now—you, looking like that, not inconspicuous. ” He studied me carefully, his eyes sweeping over my exposed skin.

  “Just because I’m in disguise doesn’t mean I can’t look good. I’m still allowed to be sexy.” I tried to hide the agitation in my voice.

  “Lexi.” His voice was a low growl and his eyes darkened. “Are you deliberately trying to make me insane? Because if that is your intention, I’d say your objective has been met.”

  Wait. He wasn’t antsy because I was going out wearing next to nothing. He was fighting another emotion. I felt a pull in my lower belly as his words washed through me. He was trying to deny it, but as confronting as my barely there dress was, it was sexy and he was turned on.

  “I’m not trying to make you insane,” I blinked, realising that perhaps he had been struggling as much as I was with our distance.

  His eyes raked up and down my body as he slowly circled me. His body tensed almost as if he was ready for a fight. His searing gaze was hungry, and he seemed to be fighting some kind of internal war. His lips parted as he took slow steady breaths, but he said nothing.

  The air was thick with emotion. My skin prickled with the anticipation of being touched, but Alex remained still, locked in place. The rise and fall of his chest was his only movement.

  “Alex, I love you and I need you more than I will ever be able to tell you.” I moved closer to him so that my newly enhanced breasts brushed against his naked chest. “But, I’m doing this, and I’m not asking for permission.”

  He reached out and traced his fingertip along my exposed collarbone and down my naked shoulder. “You’re coming home to me.” There was no question in his statement.

  “Of course Alex, I live here. Where else am I going to go?” I half laughed, though humour right now was the furthest thing from my mind. No, it was anything but funny what was welling inside me.

  “No.” His finger trailed down my arm sending shivers down my spine. He leaned closer as his lips brushed the top of my ear. “To my bed,” he clarified.

  This whole time, these were the words I had wanted to hear, and he was saying them to me now? As I was about to walk out the door? I was equal parts furious and elated as his hand continued to move over my exposed skin.

  “You’re not playing fair,” I protested as I tired to focus on what I was saying. Who was I kidding, I was lucky if anything coming out of my mouth was making any sense right now.

  “So that makes two of us then.” His smile curled at the edge of his mouth. “D stays with you the entire time you are out.” He held his hand up to silence my anticipated protest. “He will keep his distance. Don’t argue.” He leaned in and allowed his lips to brush up the length of my neck.

  “Alex,” I whimpered, no longer wanting to go out or be doing anything else other than Alex.

  A loud knock at the door threw cold water on the scorching heat that was permeating the air.

  “That will be Taylah,” I almost apologised as I continued to stare into his eyes.

  “Then you should answer the door,” He arched his brow, but made no effort to move.

  There was another knock. Right, I was going to have to answer the door. Unless I could work out some way to Jedi mind trick it open, I was going to have to actually walk away from Alex and open it. In my head I started to invent new expletives as I tore myself away from him and stalked out of our bedroom.

  “Coming,” I called out as I half ran to the entryway. It was challenging enough that I was wearing a pair of ridiculously high heels, but add to the equation I was now seven different types of bothered the whole one foot in front of the other was almost beyond me.

  “Took you long enough!” Taylah smiled as I pulled open the door. “Wow. If I didn’t know any better I would have totally walked past you. I would have probably made some snide comment under my breath, ’cause you know that dress is barely within the confines of being decent, but other than that… Wow… Just wow.”

  “I’ll take that as a compliment, I think.” I grabbed my keys and phone and tossed them into my clutch. “D’s coming with us.”

  “I assumed,” she smirked looking over her shoulder at DarNell’s looming presence. “You going to go say goodbye to your Rock Star husband so we can make tracks?”

  “Already did, let’s go.” I knew if I walked back into the bedroom, there was no way I was walking out. So it was probably for the best if I cut my losses and kept my feet moving toward the door.

  “Lexi,” DarNell tipped his head as he followed us to the elevator. His eyes betrayed nothing as he took in my appearance. The one thing I loved about him was he didn’t ask questions. He also didn’t seem perturbed either by the sudden change in plans for his evening.

  “I know just the place to go.” Taylah babbled as the silver doors of the elevator closed. “It just reopened a week ago. It should suffice for a few quiet drinks.”

  “Sounds fine,” I shrugged not really caring where we went. “But, we don’t take the Escalade.” The press knew whose car it was, and the last thing I needed was to draw attention to myself when I was trying so hard to be incognito.

  “You planning on flapping your wings and flying there?” DarNell mused sarcastically as the door flew open on the garage.

  “We can take my car,” Taylah offered fishing out her keys. “I’ll even let you drive.” She tossed the keys to him who didn’t seem down with the change in transportation.

  DarNell grunted, but didn’t comment any further as he hopped i
nto the driver’s seat of Taylah’s M5. We slid into the back seat as D started the car. “Here.” Taylah handed him a business card. “That’s where we’re heading.” He looked to the card and placed it on the console before slowly pulling out of the underground garage.

  As we rolled out onto the street, the camped out paparazzi photographers looked over the car with suspicion. They had their lenses poised at the ready, but quickly lost interest as they glanced at us, the occupants. They deemed us unworthy and they let the car join the flow of traffic unhindered. We’d fooled them, and I was given a reprieve.

  ~~~

  I should have known that Taylah’s suggestion for quiet drinks would be anything but quiet. She had recently completed designing the interior of a cocktail bar in Midtown and had decided to mix a little business with pleasure and scope the place out with me in tow.

  The velvet ropes were lined with bodies. Waif thin coat hangers that were covered in designer threads wobbled in sky high Louboutins and Manolos while Wall Street commandos impressed with their expensive three-piece suits and Rolexes. Obviously this was the place to be.

  Taylah marched to the front of the line where a large man with an earpiece blocked the entrance. D stayed slightly behind me as I smiled and sauntered in character to where Taylah was deep in conversation. She flashed me a wicked grin as he raised the rope and let us walk right through. The stares we drew from the crowd were of annoyance rather than recognition.

  “Friends in high places,” Taylah smiled as we wandered over to the bar. DarNell hung back at the entrance to chat with security. I assumed it was to pay them the professional courtesy of a heads up that he was working on their turf.

  The vibe in the club was strangely erotic. An eclectic mix of reds, burnt orange and pinks melded together to give the bar a distinct Moroccan feel. Large and colourful ornate glass light fixtures hung from the ceiling, fastened by wrought iron chains. Splashes of turquoise and emerald green were spliced together with dark wood to accentuate the space. It was easy to believe we had left New York and had teleported Star Trek style to some exotic foreign land.