A Time for Hope

by T Gephart

  Hannah and Taylah wore concerned faces as they walked into the bathroom. “I’m fine, I guess I might be coming down with something,” I reasoned as I sat back down on the floor, feeling a little woozy.

  I mentally ran through my symptoms. Fatigue, emotional, vomiting, the lack of period Dan had accused me of having. Holy fucking shit.

  “Oh my god.” I struggled to remember the last time I’d had my period. Shit, I hadn’t had one since I stopped taking the pill. Could you get pregnant straight off the pill? I glanced down at my stomach. “I’m pregnant!”

  Hannah’s eyes opened wide. “What? Did you say you were pregnant?”

  “Umm… I stopped taking the pill a week before Alex’s birthday. We wanted to start a family so I figured we’d just see what happened. Just kind of roll the dice.” I winced realising how stupid that sounded. We had been actively trying, yet here I was surprised.

  “Roll the dice? The way you two are? It’s more like shooting fish in a barrel, don’t you think?” Hannah smiled weakly.

  Who gets pregnant right off the pill? Didn’t it take a while for that shit to kick in? I’d been on the pill religiously since I was sixteen. Surely all my reproductive parts were well and truly dormant.

  “I never got that phrase, shooting fish in a barrel. I mean wouldn’t that be hard?” Taylah interjected as we stared at her in disbelief. “No seriously, fish have a small surface area and they are moving, not to mention the water refracts the light so it would be difficult to get the angle. And why shoot the fish anyway? They’re in a barrel, just scoop one up.”

  I blinked in stunned silence. “Who the fuck cares about fish or the barrel, I’m pregnant.” I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate.

  “Taylah, focus. That’s not helping,” Hannah chided before turning to me. “Lexi, just breathe. We just need to get a test and we’ll know.”

  “I don’t need a test. I’ve been having sex Hannah, without birth control. We were trying.” I should be euphoric, sharing this news with Alex. Instead he’s half way across the country and I’m on a bathroom floor. Fuck.

  “OK, so we can assume that if that is the case it would definitely show up on a test. We just need to get one, and we’ll be able to find out for sure.” Hannah soothed.

  “I’ll run down to Walgreen’s and grab a test,” Taylah volunteered, grabbing her keys. “I’ll be back soon.”

  “Thanks Taylah,” Hannah smiled. I was too bewildered to even respond.

  “Lexi, it’s OK.” Hannah rubbed my back. I stared at the bathroom tiles, not sure what I felt. I wanted a baby. I wanted to have a family with Alex. Why the hell was I freaking out? Hannah left the bathroom briefly before reappearing with a glass of ice water. “Want to talk about it?”

  “I don’t really know what to say Han. This isn’t how I pictured this all going down. Alex has just started the tour, we’re going to be gone for months...” Probably should have thought about that before I came off the pill. “But…” I continued, “we both want this baby. Hannah, I don’t know what I’ll do if this test is negative.” Well wasn’t that the truth. Either way held happiness and disappointment. If it was negative then life would go on as normal, but I would be heartbroken over what I now realised I desperately wanted, and if it was positive then my life, our lives, would be forever changed and I would be carrying Alex’s baby. Shit. Where was Taylah? I needed to know.

  Hannah tried to comfort me while we waited for Taylah. Noah stirred from his nap, and we walked over to see his beautiful little smiling face, wide awake. He held out his hands and Hannah scooped him up.

  Taylah bounded through the door, plastic bag in hand. “OK. So I wasn’t sure which one to get, so I got a few,” she smiled. “Incidentally, have you noticed how they put these things right near the condoms? It’s like some sick joke—if you’d use a rubber maybe you wouldn’t need these. It’s just not right.”

  “Taylah,” Hannah admonished.

  “It’s OK Han… Just hand me the stick to pee on.” While I usually appreciated Taylah’s words of wisdom, now was not the time for her quirky observations.

  Taylah handed me the plastic bag with the collection of boxes and I skulked to the bathroom.

  “Are you OK, hon?” Hannah asked, preventing me from closing the door.

  “Yeah I think I’ll be able to pee all by myself.” I gave her a half-hearted smile.

  “No, I mean are you OK?” She lingered in the doorway.

  “I guess we’ll see in a few minutes.” I closed the door and took a big breath. I carefully unpackaged the different tests and worked out which area required my bodily fluid. Once I was done, I set them out on the bathroom sink like some kind of crazy chemistry experiment. Here goes nothing.

  Taking a deep breath I opened the bathroom door where Hannah and Taylah still stood, neither seemed to have moved.

  “Lucky I don’t have performance anxiety,” I mused before sitting on the closed toilet seat to wait.

  “Lex, of all the things you could be accused of, that it not one of them” smiled Taylah who walked in first to investigate the sticks with an almost morbid curiosity.

  “It’s too soon Taylah,” Hannah reassured. “It will take a few minutes for the test to work. There are two windows usually. One to say the test is working and one to give a result.” This wasn’t the first time Hannah had been around a pregnancy test.

  “So the plus sign means the test is working right?” Taylah asked as she tentatively picked up one of the plastic handles between two fingers.

  “Ummm, there’s a plus sign?” Hannah eyes widened as she snatched the test from Taylah’s hands.

  “Oh FUCK.” I didn’t need to read the instructions to know what the plus sign meant.

  “Lexi…. It’s positive.” Hannah eyed me curiously.

  “Oh fuck,” I repeated. I was growing a human inside of me. I was going to be someone’s mother.

  “Well in fairness, fucking is how it all happened. This one’s positive too.” Taylah winced as she inspected yet another test.

  The room started spinning. I felt my breathing escalate as I rested my head in my hands. I was pregnant. This wasn’t just any baby; this was one that was created with love. This was Alex’s baby.

  “Lexi.” I looked up at Hannah. I don’t know how many times she had said my name before I responded. “Lex, do you want me to call Alex?” I was guessing it wasn’t the first time she had asked.

  “No, I can’t do this over the phone, I can’t just call him and say, ‘Hey guess what? I’m pregnant,’” I mumbled as I walked out of the bathroom, still in a daze.

  Noah fussed in Hannah’s arms as she followed me. “Sweetie, just a second and mama will feed you.”

  “Hannah, why don’t you feed Noah, and I’ll take Lexi down to my apartment. Dave is in the studio all day so she can just relax on the couch and no one will bother her. I’ll come back up here and clean up.” Taylah volunteered as she steered me toward the door.

  “Sounds like a good idea Taylah. Lexi?” Hannah patted Noah’s bottom as he became increasingly restless.

  “OK,” I agreed as I numbly walked with Taylah toward the elevator.

  It was probably the first time Taylah didn’t say anything. We descended the floors in silence. She just as quietly led me to her apartment and opened the door.

  The apartment was still, except for a very muted thumping coming from the back studio room where Dave was working.

  “I’ll be back in a bit, call me if you need anything,” Taylah assured as sat me down on her large sofa. She gave me one more look before disappearing back through the door.

  I laid my head on one of the pillows and closed my eyes. I was so tired, overwhelmed and still feeling dizzy. I had always thought that when it came to this moment I would be sharing it with Alex. While I was thankful Taylah and Hannah had been there with me, I needed to tell Alex and I needed to tell him in person. I wanted to see his face when I told him that he was going to be a dad. I wan
ted to hold his hands to my belly and tell him our child was growing inside. Sound the fucking alarms people; we are having a baby.

  Chapter 18

  Knocked Up

  I DON’T know why they called it morning sickness; they should just call it freaking all-day sickness cause that’s how often I threw up. All fucking day. I was living on Saltine crackers and flat ginger ale and still I couldn’t keep anything down.

  “Lexi.” Hannah knocked on my bathroom door.

  “Just a second,” I winced as I heaved my guts out yet again.

  “Wow, you have it bad. Maybe you’re having twins?” Hannah poked her head through the doorway uninvited.

  “Please tell me this stops. Nine months is a long as time to have your head down a toilet.” I grabbed a damp washcloth and wiped my face.

  “Everyone’s different Lex. I was barley sick with Noah and then there are women who are sick the whole time.” Hannah shrugged as she handed me a clean towel. “I’m not going to lie. It could go either way.”

  “Well thanks for the pep talk. So far I’m facing the prospect of being sick the whole time and potentially carrying twins. Happy Days.” I towel-dried my face, not feeling any better.

  It had been two weeks since I had found out that I was going to be responsible for another human. Hannah and Taylah had been sworn to secrecy, knowing they only had to keep their mouths shut for a couple more days. I was supposed to be getting on a plane tomorrow and joining the tour, and with that, telling Alex our exciting news. The baby, I meant. I think I could spare him the fact I felt I was in a relationship with bathroom floor.

  A visit to an OB GYN confirmed that I was in fact eight weeks pregnant and that we were fertility gods, pretty much conceiving as soon as I stopped taking the pill. Well Alex had threatened to get me good and pregnant and here I was, proof he was a man of his word.

  The shock had worn off and other than feeling like crap, I was extremely excited, a little scared and ecstatically happy. I had been through the typical panic stage, analysing everything I’d done. That was last week, where I had completely lost my shit. I hadn’t been drinking so at least I didn’t have that weighing on my mind, but what about the endless running, sit-up-ing, push-up-ing and every other-ing Gunny Ortiz subjected us to in boot camp? An extensive Google search and confirmation from my doctor had reassured me that exercise was fine, and actually encouraged, but I would just have to modify it as my pregnancy progressed. I could see the Corps missing out in the foreseeable future.

  I had spoken to Alex every day and it had been a challenge to hide the fact I had been so sick. I’d used the usual explanations fatigue, stress, possible food poising and for the most part I was able to deflect Alex’s concern by telling him I was just missing him.

  Noah had recovered from his ear infection and was cleared to fly, so I booked the three of us tickets to Memphis where we were to join the band for the remainder of the tour. I had no idea how this was going to work, but I knew with Alex on the road for the next eight and a half months, which was all of my pregnancy, I was going to be with him until I had no choice but to fly my about-to-give-birth arse home.

  “Are you packed? Is there something I can do?” Hannah asked as she re-dampened the washcloth under cold water and handed it to me.

  “I’m packed and ready. Though wearing actual clothes tomorrow could pose a challenge.” I looked down at the cotton boxer shorts and tank top that had been my uniform for the past two weeks.

  “You could always wear a sweat suit?” she offered as she joined me on the floor.

  “Um no. Alex knows the only time I wear work out wear is when I work out. He’ll be suspicious right off the bat.” I conveniently forgot to mention that I also had a thing about wearing track wear inappropriately. Yeah I’m a fucking snob, judge me.

  “Well there’s no point trying to convince you, you’re going to do what you want anyway,” she sighed, knowing me well enough to know that I wasn’t easily swayed.

  “Yep, pretty much. Glad we’ve had this talk.” I breathed deeply as I contemplated standing. Nope, not yet. I decided to give it a few more minutes.

  “OK, we’ll be here around nine. That will give us plenty of time to get to the airport.” She pulled herself off the floor. “I better go, I left Noah with my parents.”

  “Let yourself out Han, I’m going to lay on the floor a little longer and check out the fine tile work in this room.” I slid back down to the floor and let the coolness of the tile touch my cheek. Yep, a tile inspection was definitely on the cards.

  “Bye Lex.” I waved feebly while watching the sideways view of Hannah’s two feet walk out of the room.

  The cold felt good on my skin, I could lay here all evening. All night as well. I closed my eyes as I seriously contemplated spending the night on the bathroom floor. It would certainly cut out the middleman. I spent so much time in here anyway, between frequent bathroom trips and being sick, it was actually a smart idea.

  My phone buzzed on the tiles beside me.

  “No,” I whined, not wanting to talk to anyone.

  The caller was the only person I would answer the phone for in my current state – the man I loved and whose baby I was carrying.

  “Hey baby,” I tried to sound nonchalant as I pulled myself into a sitting position.

  “Lexi,” Alex purred. My name never sounded as sexy as it did when it was coming from his mouth.

  “Tell me about your day Alex, I need to hear everything.”

  It was our nightly call. It was where we would connect and bridge our divided hours. It was my favourite part of the day. Where I could imagine that we were together, and I was experiencing this tour right along with him. Alex would tell me about his days filled with appearances and interviews then about the sold out stadiums they would play each night.

  I closed my eyes as I listened to the cadence of his voice, the timbre of each syllable he uttered. I could imagine him with me, in the room, holding me as he spoke.

  He would talk for hours. On more than one occasion I had dozed off to his voice in my ear. I would hear his soft chuckle through the receiver when he had realised I had fallen asleep and he’d make some wise-arse comment about needing to up his game to keep me entertained. His comical observation that he was boring me couldn’t be further from the truth.

  When it was my turn to speak I was always careful not to lie. While I hadn’t wanted to tell Alex about our impending trip down parenthood lane over the phone, I didn’t want to weave an intricate web of fabrications either. I kept it simple, I was tired because of interrupted sleep—not a lie, I peed every twenty five minutes. OK slight exaggeration, but at least five times a night—and I was working hard. While I had Sydney on loan temporarily I would soon need another staff member and now that I was with child, the successful candidate would have to be someone of an exemplary standard. Superwoman or not, I would eventually need to take maternity leave, and it would be unfair to expect Matt to take care of this one his own.

  I would also talk about boot camp, though my participation had diminished in the past week. I had found I couldn’t even make one lap around the gym with my current fatigue levels. I had given Gunny Ortiz a modified version of my condition, that is, I’d been battling a bug that had knocked me around. He had been so impressed I still showed to each and every training day. He would ride someone else’s arse instead. I didn’t tell him about the pregnancy, not because I thought he would tell anyone—’cause that man was like a fucking vault—but it made me feel guilty to share the news until Alex had been told. So for now the only people who knew my secret were Taylah and Hannah. Even Sydney, who was suspicious as hell that I was hiding something—and just as vocal about it—remained in the dark.

  After our lengthy nightly exchange, it would inevitably be time to say goodbye. Just as it was now, with my head pressed against the wall of the bathroom and the cold tiles beneath my body, I would have to say goodbye.

  “One last night without you in my ar
ms,” he sighed, his weariness matched my own.

  “One more night,” I confirmed, wanting more than anything to be sleeping in said arms.

  “It’s funny that we ended up here.” I felt the shift in his voice, his words mixed with amusement.

  “What? In a long distance relationship and a huge dependency on Verizon? I don’t think that even you have a sense of humour that warped.”

  “No,” a small laugh travelled through his throat. “Our old rules. That right now I am so desperate to be with you anyway I can, I’ll spend hours on a phone I hate speaking on, and you...”

  “I’d give up anything just to sleep beside you.” I finished his thought. It was the truth. We’d both been delusional. “Do you ever wonder what if? Alex, if I hadn’t been on the road that day with Mike? If Sol hadn’t infuriated me? If you hadn’t made me drive your arrogant arse to the hotel?” I took us back to the beginning, to where it had started for us. The crazy situation that had made our two worlds collide and threw us on a path neither could have foreseen.

  “If you hadn’t seduced me?” he added, his version of events slightly differing from mine. I do seem to remember a rather forceful Alex prying open the elevator doors at the hospital and refusing to let me walk away. Meh, To-ma-to, Tom-ato.

  “I don’t remember any resistance on your part.” I smiled at the brazenness I’d shown that day. Once I had entered his room, I knew there was no way I was leaving without at least tasting him first.

  “No, there was no resistance on my part. I wanted you Lexi. What man wouldn’t? I wanted you from the minute I walked into that hospital room and saw you. You floored me. Of course initially it was my dick talking, but the more I got to know you, the more I knew it wasn’t just a casual attraction. I don’t know if it’s fate or a higher power or the fact that I’m the luckiest son of a bitch alive, but what I do know Lexi, is you and I belong together. I don’t deal with hypotheticals baby, ‘cause they don’t serve any purpose. What if you weren’t on that road, that night with Mike? It doesn’t matter because you were, and now you’re mine. So I won’t waste a minute of our time thinking about a possibility I can’t imagine. Not now Lexi, not ever.”