A Time for Hope

by T Gephart

  I fought back the tears as his words seared me. We belonged together, and it didn’t matter how we got there or how long we’d known each other, we would always belong together.

  “See you tomorrow Alex. I love you.

  “See you tomorrow sweetheart. I love you more.”

  Chapter 19

  Reunited

  THE FLIGHT from New York to Memphis was bearable, as was the ride to our hotel. Alex and the band were doing press engagements all morning so Hannah, Noah and I were whisked off to our luxury suites to await their arrival. Ordinarily I would have insisted I be taken to whatever interview they were attending and slip into work mode ASAP, needing to know what I’d missed. But, as I was struggling to remain upright and not lose my stomach contents, I thought it was wise to ix-nay the public event and do something more constructive like sleep. I was so tired, all the time. I had no idea how I was going to survive a tour.

  After my previous consideration on wardrobe, I had opted for a simple wrap dress. This enabled me to keep some semblance of style without being constricted by structured clothes. Even my bra was bugging me and I was glad to be able to kick off my shoes and stretch out on the beautiful, plush mattress. Its pillowy top was a welcome sight for my aching body.

  “Lexi.” The sound of my name tore me from sleep.

  I groggily slit open an eye to see Alex sitting beside me. At first I thought I must have been dreaming, my hormonal semi-lucid haze was conjuring a mirage because he looked too good to be true.

  Dressed in blue jeans and a bright blue t-shirt, which lovingly clung to every ripple on his chest, he sat on the edge of the bed beside me. His blond hair was a little longer than when he had left, styled haphazardly in a sexy, just fucked fashion. The smattering of stubble that played on his jawline was evidence that he hadn’t shaved that morning.

  “Alex,” I yawned, stretching out my arms to greet him. I was desperate to touch him. It had been so long since I’d held him.

  “Hey baby.” He wrapped his arms around me, enveloping my body in his ginormous frame. He felt so big against me—how had I forgotten what he felt like in such a small amount of time?—and he smelt so good; a mix of body wash, shampoo and his rugged male scent. I breathed in deeply and let it waft through my senses.

  “You smell so good.” I had officially hit crazyville as I sniffed him yet again. The calming fragrance invaded my olfactory glands. It was like a drug that I couldn’t get enough of.

  “Well thanks, I guess.” He eyed me suspiciously as he laid me back on the bed to inspect me.

  “Lexi, you’re so thin! How could you have lost so much weight?” His concerned eyes scanned my depleted frame. A caloric deficient diet of crackers and repeated vomiting had seen my weight plummet. I knew I didn’t look great, but hadn’t thought I’d looked that bad.

  “It wasn’t intentional Alex.” I shuffled up the bed defensively. “I haven’t lost that much.”

  “Are you kidding? Baby you look like you lost at least ten pounds. You didn’t have the weight to lose in the first place. You need to make sure if you going to punish your body with exercise that you fuel it accordingly.” He wrongly assumed that my weight loss had been due to my overzealous efforts with Manny Ortiz.

  “When did you become a dietary expert?” My mouth opened without thinking. Fighting with him was the last thing I wanted to do so why was I being so bitchy? I knew why, the same reason I cried at the drop of a hat and couldn’t walk two steps without the aid of a pit crew.

  “Baby let’s not fight.” He pressed his lips to my forehead as he pulled his Jedi mind-reading trick and seemed to know what I was thinking.

  “I agree.” I lifted my mouth to his. “I have missed you so much Alex.” I just wanted to hold him forever. His lips came crushing down on mine, his kiss passionate and intense. This had been worth the wait.

  “I’ve got sound check in an hour, you want to tag along?” He pulled away slightly. I still felt the weight of his mouth on my lips even though it was no longer there. “Or are you too cool to hang out with the band?”

  “I think I can suffer through a sound check,” I dramatised before batting my eyelids comically. “I happen to enjoy watching the sexy guitarist.”

  “I might be able to get you an audience with him, although it will cost you.” His eyes glimmered with mischief.

  As alluring as he was, the thought of having sex made me want to dry heave, as opposed to actual heaving ‘cause I doubted there was anything left in my stomach. My stomach rolled as he moved his hand down my back seductively. No, I cannot throw up in his lap. That would pretty much ensure we’d never have sex again. How could I even pretend to act sexy when I was fighting a losing battle against my body and, the sexist thing I could think of was curling up for a nap? My diminished libido flashed before my eyes. OK, time to tell Alex. At least then he would understand why I wasn’t dry humping his leg like I usually would after an extended absence.

  “Asswipe.” We were interrupted by a loud, incessant knocking at the door.

  “Dan?” I shuffled away from Alex, curious as to why there was a commotion in the hall.

  “Ignore him,” Alex gently tugged my arm. “I haven’t seen you in a really long time.” His tone did little to disguise his intentions.

  “It might be important,” I argued, curious as to the why of the interruption. I must have fallen down some wormhole when I crossed the Mason Dixon line. It was the only explanation I had for willingly engaging in a conversation with Dan, rather than spending time with Alex.

  I shuffled tentatively off the bed and dragged myself slowly to the door as I knew any sudden movements would send me reeling and hoped the ruckus was not going to reward us with a visit from hotel security.

  “Douche...” Dan’s voice trailed off. His hand was mid-knock when I opened the door.

  “Dan!” I gave him a big welcoming hug, genuinely happy to see him.

  “Lexi?” He stiffened in my arms, not returning my hug. “Hey, I forgot you, Han and the little dude were coming in today.” He backed away slowly before politely adding. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

  “Oh Dan, I’m sorry about snapping about you at the airport before you guys left.” I’d felt terrible about our last encounter. Sure, he had been highly inappropriate, but that was nothing out of the ordinary. My response had been exaggerated, and I hadn’t meant to bite so harshly.

  “No, you were right. I was an ass and I’m sorry.” He looked nervously over at Alex, the apology obviously solicited and rehearsed.

  “Well I guess we’re both sorry then.” I smiled weakly, feeling awkward around the newly polite and considerate Dan. Had I entered into an alternate universe? His humility made me uncomfortable.

  “Oh I got you a present, ‘cause I felt kind of bad.” I wandered over to my overnight bag and pulled out a brightly wrapped package.

  “For fucking real?” The real Dan cracked through as he inspected the coloured contents in my hands.

  “Yep and I guarantee you’re going to like it.” It wasn’t difficult to buy a gift for Dan. He was predictable and transparent, but hey, that was part of his charm.

  Dan glanced over at Alex, almost seeking his permission as his eyes fell to the gift. What the hell had happen between the two of them in my absence?

  “Look at me Dan,” I snapped my fingers in front of his face, gaining his attention. “Take it.” I moved the present closer to his hands.

  He stood still, his hands not reaching for the gift that was within his grasp. His face showed a mix of confusion and torment. He looked over my shoulder at Alex who was standing behind me passively.

  “I said, take it Dan.” I angrily pushed the packet closer to his fingers. I was annoyed that he was refusing to accept it.

  “Ahh fuck.” He threw his hands in the air. “I don’t know which one of you is the worse one to piss off. I don’t know if I’m supposed to take the present or not take the present? This shit is making my head hurt.” He l
ooked between us in frustration. “Sorry brother, but I’ve seen her fly off the handle, and I’m not going to risk it again by not taking her present. Besides, I really like presents.” He snatched the gift from my hands, unable to resist any longer.

  He tore through the colourful paper, no longer at odds with his decision, before he stopped suddenly and inspected the gift it contained.

  His smile faltered as he looked down and the gift and then up at me. I thought he might actually cry.

  “You… brought me porn?” His voice was barley a whisper as he stroked the DVD case in his hands tenderly.

  “Well I assumed you could never have too much.” I shrugged, having not expected such an emotional reaction from Dan.

  “Oh Lexi.” He threw his arms around me and kissed my cheek. “She brought me porn.” He proudly held up his DVD to show Alex.

  “So she did.” Alex raised an eyebrow as he nodded in acknowledgement, a grin spreading across his lips.

  “I fucking love you Lexi. Seriously, I love you.” Dan shook his head to emphasise his words. “OK, I’m going to go. Leave you guys to it. I got plans.” He glanced down at his DVD as he walked hurriedly from the room.

  “Dan,” Alex hollered after him, chasing him out into the hall. “Why did you come here in the first place?”

  “Oh, shit. Yeah, fuck,” Dan muttered, running his hand through his hair viciously. “Sound check has moved, we need to go now.” He stared sadly back at the DVD. “Shit.” His plans to get acquainted with Boners and Babes were squashed.

  “I’ll guess it will have to wait ‘til later.” He stuffed the DVD into his jacket. “See you two fuckers down stairs.” I was glad Dan had reverted back to his former persona. His kinder, more apologetic alter ego made me nervous, and I didn’t do nervous very well.

  “Well I guess we better get out the door then,” Alex walked backed into the suite and grabbed his jacket. “You ready?” He looked at me strangely, almost as if he was trying to work out what was different about me. Could he tell? Did I look pregnant? As much as I wanted to tell him about the baby, I couldn’t do it now. Not right before we were about to walk out the door. Damn it, it would have to wait.

  “Yeah, let me just get my handbag.” I quickly grabbed my bag and phone and slipped on my shoes.

  “So, did you bring me anything?” He closed the door behind us as we walked out into the hall.

  “You don’t think I would come here empty handed?” I smiled as I nestled closer to Alex.

  “Did you get me porn too? I don’t think I’ve ever seen Dan that close to tears. You made his year.” He looped his arms around me as he guided us toward the lobby where the rest of the band were waiting.

  “It was the least I could do. He was being disrespectful, but I didn’t need to be so bitchy.”

  “OK, who are you and what have you done with my wife?” He stared at me, stopping before we reached the crowd.

  “I can admit when I’ve been irrational. Don’t act all surprised.” Look at me with my evolution of emotion. I really had come such a long way. It had been such a herculean effort, but one I was glad I had seen through.

  “Lexi.” James’ face beamed as he gave me the standard Bowden hug, Hannah and Noah close by his side. “Thanks for looking out for my family.”

  “You need to stop thanking me James.” I hugged him back, thankful for the support both he and Hannah had given me over the last couple of months. “I’ll end up with a god complex.”

  “Too late, already there,” winked Troy as he welcomed me with a bear hug. “We’ve missed you. Alex has been a nightmare.”

  “Truth,” added Dan, “I wasn’t going to say nothin’, but he’s been even moodier than usual. Such a downer and totally nixing the vibe backstage.”

  “Hasn’t hurt your averages, fart-knocker.” Jason piped in before taking his turn to welcome me. “Hey Lexi, good to see you.”

  “Lexi.” Matt gave me the biggest hug of all. “We have definitely missed you.”

  After our quick reunion we were ushered into the waiting SUVs that took us to Liberty Bowl Stadium. Fans had already gathered out the front, despite show time being hours away.

  The band took the stage, warmed up and tested out their equipment and amps. Noah—with his adorable baby sized ear protection—Hannah, Matt and I sat to the side, enjoying the impromptu performance. They sounded amazing. Even with the stripped-back vocals and simplified sound, there was magic on that stage each and every time.

  We patiently waited for the band to wrap, before heading back to the hotel for a group dinner. The conversation had been relaxed and easy, and I even managed to nibble on my dinner of grilled chicken and salad. Alex had tried to hide his displeasure about my menu choice, but wisely didn’t challenge me.

  After dinner we retreated to our rooms where Alex and I spent an hour snuggling before he had to shower and get ready for the show. While he had been extremely affectionate he didn’t push for anything more amorous, sensing my reservation. He wouldn’t rush me, he never did, and I loved him for it.

  The show had been explosive. The new material was met with enthusiasm and excitement. Fans sang back the lyrics, word for word, of each and every song. The roar of the crowd was deafening. Standing at the side of the stage was still surreal. I would never stop being a fan. I would never stop appreciating their talent or loving their music. I smiled as Noah slept in Hannah’s arms, completely unaware of the commotion around him. This would be the only world he would ever know – airports, hotel rooms, stadiums and a father who would sometimes be away from home. Their talent was too exceptional to be kept hidden. I rubbed my belly, knowing our child would grow up in the same way, surrounded by insanity but unsurpassed love. And for the first time since that fateful day I had peed on a stick, I wasn’t afraid.

  Chapter 20

  Mid-air Madness

  AFTER THE show, Hannah and I had travelled back to the hotel while the band continued their scheduled obligations. A meet and greet after the show, with the usual backstage fanfare, was not something I wanted to subject myself to. I had made that mistake once before when I had been a hell of a lot more rational and not contending with the hormonal crazy I was fighting these days. Instead we said our goodbyes and departed for the sanctity of the plush suites where I would wait for Alex’s return. Of course, the minute I got back to the hotel I crawled into bed and promptly fell asleep. The activity of the day had taken its toll on me. Alex had returned at some point and joined me in bed because when I woke up to pee—nocturnal bathroom visit number three—I found him naked, lying by my side.

  I watched him as I returned from my bathroom visit—the serenity of his steady breathing, the way his hair framed his face. I had wanted so desperately to share the news that we were going to be parents with him, but I was still waiting for the right time. He was so beautiful. I quietly slid back in beside him, content to just share his bed. I truly wanted for nothing right at that moment. I resolved to tell him our news first thing in the morning.

  The next morning was a flurry of activity, and I forgot all about my late night resolve. Another day and yet another show saw us board another plane, this time bound for Missouri. I managed to quell my morning prayer to the porcelain gods—hopefully a sign I’d turned a corner—and despite Alex’s grumping that half a piece of wholegrain toast which was the only thing I could stomach was not breakfast, we made it onto the plane without incident.

  “God, I really hate flying.” Dan closed his eyes as we prepared for take-off.

  “Just don’t think about it,” I volunteered, wondering how a man who flew as much as he did still hadn’t conquered his fear.

  The cabin crew cross-checked the doors and ran through the safety briefing. The usual airline spiel followed shortly after as we buckled up our seatbelts and prepared for take-off.

  I felt a twinge in my belly as the plane rolled out onto the tarmac, the wheels quickened in their revolutions as the plane picked up speed. I tried to focus on my
breathing as I started to feel unwell. I chalked up as a fluke my earlier hope of turning a corner.

  “Baby, are you OK?” Alex asked as the plane’s wheels lifted from the runway. “You don’t look so good.”

  “I’m feeling hot.” I pulled at my cotton t-shirt, conclusively regretting my decision to wear jeans. The waistband of my denim felt unbearable against my skin.

  He reached above us and turned on the airflow, the cool air rushing down on me. As we climbed, the plane banked and my stomach lunged.

  Surprisingly, it wasn’t nausea that required my immediate attention. It was another bodily function. Despite having gone to the bathroom only an hour or so before take-off, my bladder felt like it was going to explode. I’d never had such a sudden, unexplained urge to pee overtake me like that. I wiggled in my seat as I tried to suppress the sensation—the nausea tightening my stomach only seemed to exasperate the situation further. Damn it, it felt like I was going to pee my pants.

  “You OK?” he asked curiously as he watched me cross my legs tightly.

  “Uh-hmm,” I mumbled, unable to offer a more coherent response as I squeezed my legs together. As stupid as it sounded, it was as if my body was losing control of itself, and I was worried that if I relaxed and opened my mouth, inevitably other things would start to flow.

  I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to get out of the chair and into a bathroom. Now. Despite the plane still being in a steady climb, I reached down to my lap belt and unhooked it. The looming and very clearly lit fasten seatbelt sign displayed overhead taunted me as I tossed aside my unclasped restraints.

  “Lexi, what the hell are you doing?” Alex asked incredulously, unable to ascertain why my seatbelt had been discarded, and I was abandoning my seat.