This Is Our Love Song

by Ryan Loveless

  Paeder didn’t pick up. I left a short message. When I turned back to Declan, I found him on a new set of stairs, the ones inside. Since he seemed to be on a step-to-step trajectory, I let him stay.

  “Talk,” I said.

  “Did you ring my dad?”

  “Yes.”

  He tugged me down beside him and clung to my arm, resting his head on me.

  I sighed. “How much did you drink? And where were you drinking and who were you drinking with?”

  “Dad left me in the hotel alone. I cleaned out the minibar.” He started laughing. I could picture Paeder’s reaction when he got the bill. Declan hugged my arm. “I miss you.” He looked around, although he couldn’t see much of my house from his position. “You look like you’re doing okay. Guess you don’t miss me, huh?”

  “I do miss you, but I can’t exactly drop in on you.”

  His eyes filled with tears. “I get it. I’ll go.”

  I grabbed his wrist. “What do you know about why I stopped being in your dad’s and your lives?”

  “Dad said you didn’t approve of my stepmum, and he told you if you weren’t going to be nice to her, you had to go.”

  “That’s what he told you?” Paeder was so predictable. “Sounds like it was all my fault, then.” It would be so easy to tell him the truth, but it wasn’t my place to tell a kid his dad was a jackass. Kids had to figure that out on their own. “I need you to trust me that what happened is more complicated than your dad is saying. I loved you, Declan. I still love you.”

  He frowned.

  “I know it doesn’t sound like much and you think I should have made an effort, but I promise you, I couldn’t.”

  “What, like, you weren’t allowed?” he sneered.

  “Yeah.” I answered seriously, and his angry expression turned into confusion.

  “I really can’t talk about it. You need to ask your dad.”

  “He doesn’t tell me anything. He just gives me money.”

  I figured it was time for a topic change before I let my surprise show. Paeder had always been close to the vest with his cash, but this could also be one of his controlling methods. He’d be annoyed about the minibar because he hadn’t preapproved it. It seemed Declan had figured that out.

  “You hungry?”

  “A little.”

  “Well, let me feed you, then.” I got up, and he followed me into the kitchen. I’d wondered why Melvin hadn’t turned up to inspect Declan, but there he was, stretched out on the gas stovetop. That was his favorite place in the house. Once he was situated on the always-warm metal, he would stay there for hours. I scratched his head. “This is Melvin.”

  Declan cautiously stretched his hand out. Melvin moved a micro inch to make contact. Now that we were both standing on the same level, I noticed Declan was a few inches taller than me. Probably still growing too. But his face was not yet mature.

  “Does he move when you cook?” Declan asked.

  “I move him. Why don’t you look in the refrigerator and see if there’s anything interesting to you?”

  He did and pulled out the wine I’d shared with Travis. “No,” I said.

  “Just kidding.” He put it back. Declan turned around with a Tupperware container in hand. “This looks promising.”

  “You got it.” I made myself grin. He really was a smart, good boy, and I’d missed him. As I put the container in the microwave, I heard him yawn. “Are you sure you don’t want to go to bed instead? I’ve got a guest room ready.”

  “Have you heard from my dad?”

  “I only rang him a few minutes ago.”

  He sat down at the table. I wondered if he’d chosen the same seat position he occupied at home. “I can’t remember where he said he was going tonight.”

  “And Paeder thought you’d hang out in the hotel room all night watching TV?”

  Declan shrugged. “It’s basically what I always do.”

  I pulled the food out of the microwave, added a fork, and slid it over to him as I sat down. “Is this the first time you’ve snuck out?”

  He didn’t meet my eyes before he started poking the heated spaghetti.

  “I’ll take that as a no.”

  “Look, it’s not like it matters, okay? He doesn’t care.”

  “Of course he cares about you,” I snapped. “You’re the most important person in the world to him.”

  “What would you know? You’re not in my life.” His face was red, and he looked just like Paeder.

  “I’m sorry.” We were both quiet for a minute. His rough breathing filled the silence. I decided I had to be the one to speak first. “You know why he’s your dad, right? He told you?”

  “Told me he used an egg donor and a surrogate,” Declan mumbled.

  “There’s a bit more to it than that. After your dad divorced his first wife, Dianne, he started thinking about being a father, and he got scared that he might have a baby with someone and then the mother would leave him and take the baby. So he decided to find an egg donor and a surrogate so he could have a baby that was only his. Before you were born, Declan, your dad’s sole focus was on becoming your father. I remember him calling me to talk about it. I wasn’t sure if he should do it, but he was committed, and he did do it, and he proved me wrong. I never imagined he’d be more focused on something than he is to his music, but he’s that devoted to you.”

  “You believe all that?” Declan asked. The shakiness in his voice wasn’t just from puberty.

  “One hundred percent.”

  In fact, it had been Paeder’s focus on fatherhood that had lured me back to him almost two years after I’d first walked out. He seemed like a different person, someone I could trust. He seemed like the man I’d fallen in love with. By that time, I was settled in New York and had started studying at NYU. Although we rekindled our friendship, Paeder and I didn’t start dating again until I graduated. I moved back to Ireland then because there was no way I’d risk a long-distance relationship with Paeder. Declan was too young to realize how tumultuous my position in his early life had been. Paeder and I were like a rubber band, seeing how far we’d stretch before snapping back together. Declan probably only remembered the last few years, when Paeder and I were steady sailing. Then he proposed to Amanda. After that betrayal, I returned to New York. That was also when I bought my house. Nothing says staying put like owning real estate.

  Declan started crying. Tears welled and spilled, and he sniffled. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve. I was too far away to touch him. So I got up because there was a child crying in front of me and I wasn’t going to sit there and watch it happen. When I hugged him, he sobbed against my chest. He mumbled “sorry” and a few other things I couldn’t understand.

  “It’s okay.” I rubbed his back.

  “I know the truth,” he hiccupped.

  “Declan, he loves you.”

  “No. The truth about why I never see you. He won’t let you, right? Because you’re gay and he’s a big fucking homophobe and, and—” His words disappeared in another round of sobs.

  “What?” I pushed him away by the shoulders and held him at a distance. “What made you think that?”

  “Because… because… I told him I liked a boy, and he told me it was a phase. But I know it’s not. He gets angry if I try to talk to him about it.”

  “So you thought that’s why he and I don’t talk anymore?” I sighed. Geez, this kid.

  He wiped his nose. “Well, isn’t it?”

  I hugged him again. “I wasn’t happy when he got remarried. That’s the truth.”

  “There was more, though, wasn’t there? Was he mean to you because you’re gay?”

  “When I came out, your dad and Russell took a lot of residual crap that was aimed at me by a lot of angry people. They blocked me from it. I couldn’t have asked for two better guards. Two better friends.”

  “If it’s okay by him for you to be gay, why isn’t it okay for me to be?”

  There was so much I could t
ell him, but nothing without revealing Paeder’s secret. Maybe I should. Maybe Declan deserved to know the truth, especially since now Paeder’s denial had led to this. His secrets were making his son think there was something wrong with him.

  “It’s okay by me,” I said.

  “I want to stay here.”

  “Declan, I don’t have any right to you. You can’t stay without your dad’s permission, and I don’t see that happening.”

  “I don’t want to be with him. When we go home, I’ll go back to boarding school unless he makes me transfer.”

  “To get you away from the boy you like?”

  He nodded.

  I checked my phone. Still nothing from Paeder. “Looks like you’ll be here tonight after all. There’s still a few good sleeping hours left. Do you want to finish eating? Or start eating? You haven’t done anything but poke it.”

  “I’m not hungry anymore.” He wiped his nose again.

  “Fair enough. Come on. I’ll show you where to crash. We can make a decision about the other stuff later.”

  “I’m not tired.”

  “Dec, when everything seems like shit, sometimes the best thing you can do is go to bed.”

  He smiled, and it broke my heart. “Okay.”

  Melvin followed, meowing for attention as we went upstairs. He probably missed Angie’s constant daytime presence. Declan yawned as I pointed out the bathroom and guest room to him. “I’ll find you some pajamas and lay them on the bed. There’s a new toothbrush above the sink you can use.”

  “Thanks, Uncle Keelin.”

  “Sleep in if you can,” I said.

  He hugged me with one bony arm around my shoulders. “I’m really happy to see you again.”

  “Me too.”

  I laid a pair of my pajamas out as promised and went down the hall to my own room. It was almost five in the morning. I hoped Declan would be able to sleep, because I knew I wouldn’t. I could’ve killed Paeder. Declan might not know why his dad wasn’t answering the phone, but I had a good idea, because I’d been left alone plenty of nights myself, and I knew exactly what Paeder was out doing on those nights. I wondered who his bit-on-the-side in New York was these days. Did Amanda know his secrets? Or had he learned from past experience that wives didn’t like when their husbands fucked around, and kept it to himself?

  I tried to imagine how he felt when Declan came out. Was it like a stab to the heart? Had he felt guilty? Had he been tempted, even for a millisecond, to be honest with his son before he’d let his lifetime of denial spill out and spread its filth over Declan?

  Did he know what he was doing to this boy he treasured more than anything in the world?

  I sent him text to tell him Declan was staying the night. I included my address in case he didn’t have it and told him to come in the morning.

  We need to talk. Declan told me everything.

  We’d see what he made of that. Paeder was about to be back in my life, whether either of us liked it.

  As I held my phone’s negligible weight, I considering texting Travis, but I wanted to talk to him. He had said to call, after all. I had faith that we were on the road to something good, and I didn’t want Paeder’s crap interfering with that.

  I sat down on my bed and rang him. “Did I wake you?”

  “No, I was up. Thinking about you. Is your nephew all right?”

  “He’s uh….” Suddenly I couldn’t do it, despite my intentions. I couldn’t say that my ex-boyfriend’s son was sleeping in my guest room and that his father, my ex-boyfriend, would be storming through my front door any moment, which would lead to an event I’d been bracing for since the last time I walked out of his home. How was I supposed to say that over the phone? “He’s sleeping over.”

  “So everything’s good?” Travis asked.

  “I just wanted to hear your voice. I know it’s stupid, but I….” God, fuck, my throat hitched. I was not going to cry. “I’m sorry. It’s been a long night. Morning. Whatever. I’ll hang up. Sorry.” My cheeks burned.

  “I’m smiling so much right now,” Travis said.

  “You… you are?”

  “You are so into me!” he crowed.

  I laughed, forgetting my embarrassment. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

  “I knew it! So, what are you wearing?”

  “There’s a fourteen-year-old down the hall. I’m still fully dressed.”

  “Point taken. So, instead of sexing you over the phone, I’m going to do the next best thing.”

  “What’s that?” I asked.

  I could hear his triumphant grin. “I’m going to tell you the narrative history of Boy Meets World, the best show ever. So settle in!”

  I laughed. “Consider me settled.”

  He started to talk, and I melted again.

  Chapter Six

  WHEN PAEDER came, I almost told Declan to answer the door, but I was afraid Paeder would take him without speaking to me, so I went myself. Last time we stood this close, Paeder’s blond hair curled around his ears, but now he’d cut it precision short. He had some white in his blond stubble too. It painted the superhero lines of his jaw. His light blue eyes were still his most striking feature, not so much for their color but for the way he used them to pierce through a person.

  “We need to talk.” I didn’t bother with pleasantries.

  Neither did Paeder. He brushed past me. “Where’s Declan?”

  “Paeder.” I grabbed his arm, and he turned around to look at me with hard eyes. “Did you hear me?”

  “Where is he?”

  “I’m here, Dad.” Declan stepped out from the nook where he’d secreted himself. Declan’s timid appearance seemed to throw Paeder off-kilter, which relieved me. I would hate to think that caution was Declan’s natural state around him.

  Paeder rushed over and hugged him, then roughly held him back for examination. “Are you all right? What were you thinking? I told you to stay in the suite!” He was awfully concerned for someone who’d taken his sweet time getting here, but I bit my tongue. There would be plenty more for me to say before we were through.

  “I wanted to see Keelin,” Declan said. “I wanted to talk to him.”

  “Well, you talked. So let’s go.”

  Declan glanced at me.

  “Paeder,” I said.

  “Are you going to get in the way of me taking my boy out of here?”

  My temper flared. “Look at him!” Declan jumped, while Paeder, who was more accustomed to my shouting, glared. “Your son went out in the middle of the night in a city he doesn’t know to find me because he needed to talk, so you and I are damn well going to talk. I learned a lot last night, Paeder. Things I never dreamed I would hear about you. You’re lucky I didn’t punch you as soon as I saw you.”

  “Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” He got in my face, cool and infuriating as ever.

  I turned to the side. “No, I wouldn’t. What I would like is a civilized conversation. Or as close to one as we can manage.”

  He seethed.

  Stepping back, I said, “My assistant will be here in ten minutes. If we can cool our jets until then, Angie can take Declan out, and we can have a conversation.”

  “I’m not sending Declan out with a stranger.”

  “She’s a real nice girl. You’ll approve.” I waited until he gave a curt nod. “You want tea?”

  He cracked a wry smile. Both of us were married to social niceties. Pause a brawl for a cuppa. “Sure.”

  I snuck a glance at Declan, who looked at us like we were nuts. He really did resemble his father.

  “I’ll make it. You can wait in there.” I pointed to the music study. Paeder went in without complaint, since being in there meant he wouldn’t have to talk to me, and I went to the kitchen. We both left Declan to decide who he wanted to follow. Declan sat on the steps and didn’t follow either of us. I didn’t know if he wanted tea, but the fact I was who I was wouldn’t let me make one cup less than the number of people in my home.
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  In the kitchen, I filled the electric kettle and pulled the tea canister out of the cabinet. As I tracked down two mugs and a travel cup for Declan, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out and checked.

  Travis writing to ask if everything was okay. I started a few responses, but I didn’t know what to say, so I deleted them. I prepared my tea first, since between Paeder and myself, I liked mine a little cooler. Then I did his how he liked, no sugar, oversteeped, and left Declan’s to prepare how he pleased. I placed all three cups on the table where the sugar and honey already sat in the center.

  I heard the door open. Angie. Just in time. I grabbed another NYU travel mug and filled it for her. In the hallway, I found her examining Declan. Paeder hadn’t emerged from the study.

  Angie noticed me and grinned. “Boss, he’s adorable. Can we keep him?”

  “Angie, this is Declan. I need you to show him around the neighborhood this morning. His dad will give you money.”

  “I’ve got a lot of work to do today.”

  I waited out her serious expression.

  She burst out laughing. “I’m kidding. Sure, no problem.” She turned to Declan. “So where’s your dad and his wallet?”

  “Behind you,” Paeder said.

  After all her digging around in my things, of course Angie recognized him. Paeder’s reaction to her raised eyebrows and surprised smile was as rote as I’d ever seen it. Normally he had good rapport with fans. His canned smile now showed he felt the pressure of the moment. He pulled a few fifties out of his wallet, gave one to Angie and the rest to Declan.

  “I know you’ll take good care of him. He’s fourteen,” Paeder said.

  “Crossing the bar off the list of things to do, got it,” Angie said. “We’ll go to the High Line.” She looked at Declan. “There’s something there for all tastes.”

  “I don’t need a babysitter,” Declan said.

  Paeder started to speak, but Angie put her hands on her hips, the fifty squeezed in one fist, and said, “Excuse you. I am your new best friend, and I am going to show you a good time. But if you want to stay here and not go out with me and have gourmet ice cream sandwiches for breakfast with a view of downtown, followed by buying a dope pair of Kicks with the cash you just got, that’s your prerogative.”