by Anna Park
Gianna put her arm on her shoulder. “You need to stop living life trying to avoid getting hurt, and start accepting hurt as a part of a full, rich life.”
“It’s not going to be easy for me.”
“No, it’s not. There are going to be moments where you still let fear rule your life, but I know that with conscious effort, you can change.”
“Let’s go back.” Lia felt tired.
“I have some cannoli in the fridge. That, and a cup of coffee, will be perfect after this cool walk.” Gianna led Lia back towards her apartment in the North End.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Lia bit into her bacon cheeseburger. “Mmm,” she said as the juice dribbled down her chin. So much for watching what I eat. I’ll make up for it later. The guilt at eating off her weight management plan was quashed by the need to keep Colin out of her mind.
Anu was eating a much less sinful veggie burger. “Looks like you’re enjoying that.”
“A little too much I think.” Lia signed. Food really did help her feel better, at least while she was eating.
“You look amazing, Lia. A burger here and there isn’t going to ruin your perfect physique.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Lia’s eyes scanned Anu quickly. Her friend was blessed with the most gorgeous curves. “You’re pretty decent looking yourself.”
“Eh.” Anu shrugged.
Lia wiped her mouth. “So about the other day—”
“I am so sorry, that’s why I wanted to have lunch with you, to apologize. I was such a bimbo in lust—”
“It’s okay, I figured that you were in the middle of something. Are things good with him?”
Anu turned and looked to the distance.
“No. He’s not serious about me, so it’s over.”
Lia reached for her friend’s hand. “I’m so sorry. What happened?”
Anu sighed loudly and looked off into the distance. “Well, the other night, we had a great date. We’d gone out to dinner, had the best conversations, and it just seemed like we were meant to be together.”
“That’s sweet.”
“It was so good that we went back to his place and one thing led to another…”
“No way.”
“Yup. And you know how…well, I’ve never climaxed with a guy.”
“Well, that’s still more than I’ve ever done, but what are you saying then?”
“He did it for me. I don’t know. I think I was so relaxed, and I just trusted him.”
“How was it?”
“It was the most incredible feeling. For once, I totally lost myself. I wasn’t worrying about what my body looked like. I was just in the moment, fully.” Anu’s eyes were shining.
“That’s beautiful.” Lia’s heart ached. That’s how I felt with Colin, and we were just kissing. “So what ha—”
Anu’s expression darkened. “He took off the next morning. Left me hanging, like a one-night stand. I woke up in an empty bed, with a note saying he had left to study.”
“Was this at his place?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, maybe—”
“Don’t justify his behavior.” Anu’s nostrils flared.
Lia held her tongue. She would reason with Anu later.
“I’m sorry, Anu.” Lia placed her hand on her friend’s hand.
“I’m done with him.” Lia wasn’t convinced. “How about you? Anything new with that Colin guy?”
“Oh, I can’t figure him out. He kisses me, then it seems that he has a girlfriend, but then he asks me to dinner? I don’t know.”
Anu’s eyes widened. “That’s pretty crazy. Can you just ask him what his deal is?”
“I’m feeling pretty cautious right now. Every time I open up, I get hurt.”
“Well…Why don’t you come with me to the grad school party tonight? It’s going to be a big event, so there should be plenty of interesting guys to talk to.” Anu waited for Lia’s answer. Lia debated. Meet other men? Then she remembered Gianna’s conversation with her, to live life in spite of the fear or hesitation.
“Sure, what the hell, I’ll come.” Then she paused. “Wait, I’ll come if Gianna’s okay to stay by herself.”
“What happened?”
“That’s why I called you the other day. She’s starting chemo again. A recurrence in her liver.” Lia felt the weight of the words bring her down.
“Oh, Lia.” Anu reached over and gave her a big hug. Lia fought back the urge to cry.
“I hope it’s going to be okay. I’m so anxious, but Gianna just wants me to act like everything is normal.”
Anu held her shoulders and said, “All the more reason for you to come to the party. It will be a good distraction.”
“I guess so.”
“Okay, I’ll see you later. Come to my house at seven?”
*************
Who did this for me? Lia was standing in front of her lab bench, looking at the row of neatly-labeled bottles. At least ten of them. Someone had prepared all the solutions she needed for her experiments. Oh my God. This will save me so much time. She looked around. No one was in lab. Kate? It can’t be Colin, or Farahnaz. Lia’s body felt lighter. Whoever had done this had relieved her so much. Now she would be able to get a head start on her experiments. I’ll go look next door and see if there’s anyone there. I need to thank whoever did this. She headed towards the door, her mind still trying to figure out the mystery.
As she rounded the corner around the lab bench, Colin came flying into lab. His whole body crashed into hers. “Oh God, I’m so sorry.” He was out of breath and his face was flushed. Still standing against him, Lia asked, “Do you know…who made my solutions for me?” Colin just stood there. Lia couldn’t deny that she enjoyed feeling him so close. “Um…well.” He swallowed. “I did.” His voice was barely a whisper. Lia suppressed a gasp. He did it?
Her hesitation towards Colin started to melt. “Thank you.” He didn’t say anything. All she heard were his breaths, close to her.
A tingling warmth spread through her body. An attraction stronger than her willpower prevented her from stepping back. I can’t. His smell. She could feel his whole body against her, through their clothes. His chest pressed lightly against her breasts. She sensed his growing hardness under his jeans. Well.
“It’s okay,” he said, his lips curling upward ever so slightly. Lia took a step back and got a better look at him. She felt his eyes slowly looking her over. She tried to suppress her shallow, rapid breaths. Her heart felt like it was going to jump out of her chest.
“I…I hope it helps,” he said. His eyes were shining, and she was tempted to grab him, and bring his lips to hers. Please kiss me all over and...No, stop it! She knew she was turning red, so she looked away.
“Want-to-have-dinner-with-me-tonight?” The words came out so rushed and quiet that she could barely hear him.
“Are you sure…I mean, your girl—” Not going to mess with her again.
“Oh, that’s nothing.” His cheeks turned bright red. He cleared his throat.
Okay. Really?
“So why—”
Colin scratched the back of his neck and took a deep breath.
“It’s a long story…There’s nothing worth talking about.” His body was tense and stiff. It was clear that he was done discussing Farahnaz.
“I’m really sorry, but I’m going to a party with my best friend.”
Colin lowered his head and swallowed hard.
“I would have liked to.” The words came out by themselves. Lia covered her mouth. So much for protecting myself.
“How about I give you my number, and you can call me if you…um…need company?”
Company? What does that mean? Colin had the eyes of a puppy hoping not to be admonished for being naughty. He pulled out a pen from his back pocket and wrote his number on a scrap of paper. “Here you go.” When his hand touched hers, she felt weak in her knees. He had turned her
brain to mush.
He turned and walked back to his desk, giving Lia a perfect view of his tall and muscular body. Those shoulders. She had a weakness for those strong and muscular shoulders. She pictured him picking her up and holding her close, shielding her from all the pain. But what is his deal? She sighed and got to work setting up her first experiment. She felt giddy as she looked at all the solutions that he had so carefully prepared for her.
*************
“Hey Gianna, I’m home,” Lia called as she entered the apartment. It was warm and cozy inside, and smelled of pasta. Gianna was sitting on the couch, covered with a blanket, her face paler than usual.
“Sweetie!” Her eyes lit up. “How was your day?”
Lia sat down next to Gianna, curling up under the blanket.
“It was all right. But how are you? Are you feeling nauseous?” She held Gianna’s hand, bumpy with veins.
“It was totally fine. I’m an old pro. Just a bit tired, but I’ll sleep soundly tonight.”
“Did Paulo bring you that pasta?” Lia saw a dish of tortellini on the coffee table.
“Yeah, the sweet boy insisted I lay down here.”
“I’m so glad he’s helping out.” Lia felt relieved. This was all Gianna’s doing, though. She gave out so much kindness, that when she needed help, she was never lacking. She had rescued Paulo, and now he had made it his mission to care for her.
“Hey, will you be okay if I go out tonight? My friend Anu invited me, but I’m not so sure…” I really should stay here.
“Go, please go. I’m just sitting here, reading books.”
Lia gave Gianna a long hug. “Love you.”
“Now go get some rest. You look like you could use a nap.”
Lia was exhausted. All the opposing emotions had taken their toll on her. “Okay.”
She dragged herself into her room and crashed down on her soft bed.
When she woke up three hours later, she was groggy and disoriented. She rubbed her eyes. The party, right. I need to find something to wear. Lia threw some cold water on her face and pulled on a pair of slim-fitting black pants. Oh good, they still fit.
As she headed out, she saw that Gianna had drifted off to sleep on the couch, the book still in her hands. Lia covered her with a warm blanket and put the phone on the table next to her. She kissed her lightly on the check. “See you soon,” she whispered.
She stopped by Paulo’s studio apartment next door. “I’m heading out, are you going to be in?”
“Yeah, I’m not going out. I’ll check on her, don’t worry.”
“Call me if there’s anything.”
“I will.” Lia felt relieved. Paulo was practically Gianna’s son, and a very loyal and concerned one at that.
By the time Lia got to Anu’s apartment, Anu was fully dressed. Eighties music blared and she was dancing in between applying her makeup.
“Let’s go.”
Lia and Anu walked into the Bar Azul, the restaurant that had been reserved for the party. Techno music played, and people were standing around talking. A flashing rainbow of lights illuminated the empty dance floor.
“We need to liven this up,” joked Anu. A couple of balding guys were standing at the bar, their arms stiffly crossed. Lia felt them watching her and Anu as they approached the bar.
The shorter guy came over, “Hey I’m Trent. This is my friend Dave. You ladies want a drink?”
Dave sat next to Anu. His eyes scanned Anu from top to bottom.
“Sure, surprise us,” said Anu.
Trent took the seat next to Lia. His body was stiff and his hands were clenched.
“You come here a lot?”
“No, not really. You guys? Are you also medical students?”
“We’re law students at BU. Our friends invited us here tonight.”
“Cool.”
Lia tried to avoid looking at Trent’s bald spot, but she couldn’t ignore the reflection of the dance floor lights. She forced herself to look around the bar. Some more students were trickling in, and the dance floor was starting to pick up.
Trent looked over at Lia. “He took a deep breath and paused. “Want to dance?"
It might be fun. With the right person. Not Trent.
“No, thanks, but I'm not feeling so great.”
His eyes turned away.
Lia thought about Colin and she wished he were there. She missed his clean-smelling scent. She smiled to herself, thinking of him preparing all those solutions for her. What had driven him do such a sweet thing?
“I need to go pretty soon,” she said, “I'm beat.”
Trent looked at her and shrugged. “Suit yourself.”
With that he got up and went over to another cluster of women, probably to find someone else to dance with.
In a quiet corner of the bar, Anu was deep in conversation with Dave. Her hands were animated and Dave was laughing at something she was saying. Lia approached them with slow, measured movements.
“Hey Anu, I'm going to head out now. I'm not feeling so great. I’m kind of tired and I'm ready to call it a night.”
Anu’s expression clouded over, but after a few seconds, she reached over and squeezed Lia’s hand. “I know. I totally get it, you're going through a lot.”
Lia hugged Anu and walked over to a quiet spot next to the restrooms. She reached into her purse and after some wrestling with receipts and other junk, pulled out the paper with Colin’s number on it.
I can do this.
The phone rang and rang and nobody picked up. Lia started to second-guess herself. Maybe he was just messing with me. Maybe he he doesn't really want me to call him. Maybe he remembered the incident and he changed his mind. She hung up she decided to walk home by herself.
Lia stepped out of the bar into the cool Fall evening and looked around at the scene. It was bustling with college students out partying that night. Couples strolled down the streets holding hands. I’m all alone.
CHAPTER EIGHT
As she was figuring out which T-stop to get on to get home, Lia's phone rang. A blocked number?
“Hello?”
“Hey, it's Colin. I'm so sorry I didn't get your call...I was in the in the shower when you called. Did you need something?”
“Well, um... you told me that if I if I needed and it someone to walk me home I could call you. That's why I was calling…” Lia wanted to slap herself. I sound so nervous and clueless. Ugh.
“I’d be happy to get you. Where are you?”
“I am at the Bar Azul in Cambridge. Do you know where it is?”
“Oh yeah, I know where that is. I can be there in like ten minutes, it’s not far from where I live. I'll see you in a minute.”
Lia felt the jittery butterflies in her stomach again. He’s coming. She didn't want to get too hopeful. I still don’t know what he really thinks of me.
A light tap on her shoulder brought her back to the present.
“Hey there,” said Colin, “I hope you weren't waiting…too long.”
Colin was out of breath. Did he sprint over here? Lia inhaled the familiar smell of his shampoo. He was wearing soft flannel pants and a light blue shirt. His hair was was tousled, probably from a quick rub with a towel. I just want to snuggle up with him.
“Hey, thanks for coming.”
“You want me to walk you home already, or do you want to maybe come over to my place for little bit? We can hang out a little and talk...if you feel like talking…” He looked down, waiting for Lia’s response.
“That would be nice. It's been kind of a rough day…family stuff. It would be nice to just hang out.”
“If you want, we can pop in a movie and have some popcorn and just relax.”
Colin walked close to her. “Careful,” he said, as they prepared to cross a busy street. She stepped out and his arm came down like a barrier in front of her. “Wait.” He looked left and right a few more times, then held Lia’s arm
until they reached the other side. His eyes darted everywhere, surveying the scene. Two blocks later, he stopped at an old brownstone, and led her up the stairs to the second-floor unit.
Colin opened the door and Lia walked into his apartment. To her left, was a well-stocked kitchen with a small table. Colin escorted her to the living room on the other side. “Have a seat,” he said, gesturing towards a comfortable couch strewn with cozy-looking blankets. Lia looked around at the walls, covered with paintings and photographs.
“Nice place,” she said.
“Thanks, I try to make it homey. It’s my solace from from the stresses of the world.”
Colin said, “I'm glad you're here...” His eyes were soft and tender, and his lips were gently curling into a smile.
“Yeah, me too.”
“Want some popcorn?”
“Sure, that would be awesome. Thank you.” Lia watched him as he walked towards the kitchen. His gait was easy and relaxed.
Colin came back a few minutes later with a bowl piled high with buttered popcorn. He sat on the couch, and reached over for some popcorn. “Mmm.”
“So how was the party?” he asked, licking his buttery fingers.
“It was okay. I just talked to this guy for a while.”
Colin’s eyes widened. His face grew sullen. Lia continued, “But he wasn’t my type.”
Colin looked at her intently. “Who is your type then?”
Is this a trick question? “Uh, um.”
His face softened. “It’s okay, don’t mean to put you on the spot.”
“Anyway, my friend Anu had a good time, at least. She thought it would be a good idea for me to go, you know, to distract myself from stuff that’s on my mind. And yeah, so it was okay.” I’m just rambling now.
“So how are you holding up about your Aunt? I'm how so sorry about that.”
“I'm doing okay, but you know, I'm just really worried. Of course she doesn’t want me to worry, she wants me to be all positive... but I'm not like that. I worry a lot….”
“Yeah, but if your Aunt believes that she can get through this, you need to support her. You can't be doubting. That won’t help her.”
