Senseless Sensibilities

by K. L. O'Keefe

  Losing Evangeline was too much. He cursed himself for letting that girl into his heart.

  After an hour of swiping the same shoe with the same rag, Nicholas entered the room. When he saw Jonathan sitting on the floor, hunched over the shoe like a vulture, he clapped a hand on his friends’ shoulder. “I know how you feel.”

  “How?” Jonathan’s head swiveled around. “How can you know? My heart is crushed.”

  “I know, Jonathan. I know how much you cared for her.”

  “I loved the girl!” Jonathan nearly shouted. “I would have done anything for her!”

  “But surely you didn’t think--” Nicholas stopped himself before he could finish his sentence.

  “Think what? That she would marry me?” Jonathan laughed at himself. “As a matter of fact, I did! And I’m a damn fool.” He ran a hand through his hair, raking his fingers across his scalp. “Imagine if I had proposed. What then? Her ladyship would have laughed at me if I asked for Evangeline’s hand in marriage. For years and years, she could have recounted the story of the valet with the bloated ego. It would’ve been quite an entertaining story to tell.”

  “Jonathan.” There was a hint of anger in Nicholas’ voice when he spoke his friend's name. “Anne adores you. She thinks you’re a very humorous and warm-hearted man.”

  “So what? I'm a funny little chap? That doesn’t mean I would have had her blessing!” Jonathan said. “God, Nicholas, why didn’t you tell me? When it was obvious how I felt about Evangeline, why didn’t you hit me on the head? Why weren’t you brutally honest? It might have brought me to my senses.”

  “I… didn’t want to discourage you.”

  “You didn’t? And you thought it was better to encourage me? False hope was the last thing my poor heart needed.”

  “I’ve never seen you so upset. You’re not yourself right now,” Nicholas said. “If you got some rest, then maybe--”

  “I could rest for days and years, and I would never forget about her. I’d never forget what it’s like to lose her.” Clapping a hand over his face, Jonathan breathed a huge sigh. “If you lost Anne, could you rest away your pain?”

  “Never,” Nicholas shook his head. “And I would do everything in my power to get her back.”

  “Are you saying I should fight for her?” Jonathan glared at Nicholas between his fingers. “You sound like you’re trying to light a fire under me. There you go again… with your false hope. I can’t have Evangeline, no matter what I do. I need to accept that.” When he dragged himself to his feet, he felt as if there were no bones in his body.

  Nicholas watched, helplessly, as his friend ambled toward the door. “Jonathan, if there’s anything I can do…”

  Jonathan leaned against the door, resting his head against his arm. He had to put a barrier between the wall and his head, in case he felt the urge to ram it against the wall again. Nicholas was right—he wasn’t himself right now. He didn’t know if he would ever be the same. “You could buy me a pint. I think I need to drink myself into a stupor.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “You’re right, Nicholas. You’re right. It’s just a waste of money, isn’t it? I, uh…” Very slowly, Jonathan turned around. “I’ve been giving this some thought, sir. I think it’s time for me to leave.”

  Nicholas’ jaw dropped open. “Pardon?”

  “I think it’s time you found yourself a proper valet. A proper lord needs a proper valet. I’m sure I make you look silly, being the broken man that I am.”

  Nicholas’ brow creased. “You know I’ve never thought of you in that way! Ever since I pulled you off the streets, you’ve been more than a valet to me. You’ve been my best friend. You’re invaluable to me, Jonathan Winters. You can’t leave me.”

  “I must,” Jonathan protested. “I don’t think I can stand to be here. I’ll die if I have to see her with him.”

  Nicholas wasn’t convinced. “Have you really thought about this, Jonathan? Do you really think it’s for the best?” When he saw Jonathan nod, he added, “You know I’ll miss you, don’t you? Where else will I find a valet who can single-handedly tie a cravat?”

  Jonathan chuckled, albeit slightly. “I’m sure it would turn out much better if you had a valet who could do it with two hands.”

  “I like my cravats a little askew, don’t you know?” Nicholas said with a grin. “Jonathan… I really wish you’d reconsider.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You won’t,” Nicholas corrected. “You’re an ungrateful little swine… leaving me when I need you most.”

  “You don’t need me at all, Nicholas. It’s the other way around. I’ve always needed you, and I’m grateful for the opportunities you’ve given me.”

  “But… God, I’d give you so much more if you weren’t too stubborn to accept it!” Nicholas said with a sigh. “You’re like a brother to me, you know? You would never have to work again if you didn’t want to.”

  “I can’t accept charity.”

  “It wouldn’t be charity! I’d be helping a friend. You’re too proud for your own good, man.” Nicholas stomped across the room and pulled open a desk drawer. From it, he took out a small bag and tossed it to his friend.

  Jonathan caught it in midair. “What’s this?”

  “One hundred pounds.”

  “But--”

  “Don’t protest!” Nicholas shouted. “Please. It’s the least I can do. I’d feel guilty if I let you leave with nothing.”

  Jonathan lowered his eyes and gave a little nod. “I’ll accept it. But it’s a small fortune for someone like me, you know?”

  “Come back if you ever need more,” Nicholas said. “I mean it.”

  When Jonathan looked up, he had a tear in his eye. He couldn’t cry for Evangeline, but he was getting weepy for his friend? Jonathan thought he must be the most ridiculous man in the world. “You’ve been a good friend to me, Nicholas Grey. I owe my life to you.”

  Nicholas smiled. “And you’ve been an excellent companion to me, Jonathan Winters. Thank you for raising my spirits. You really are a fine man, no matter what anyone says.”

  Tucking the bag into his belt, Jonathan stepped forward and held out his hand.

  But Nicholas didn’t shake it. Instead, he caught his valet in an embrace and gave him a friendly swat on the back. When they parted, Jonathan quickly retreated for the door. “I’m leaving tomorrow,” he said.

  “I thought you would. You’re not the sort of man to hesitate once you’ve made up your mind.”

  They were silent for a minute or so, not sure what to say. That morning, they hadn’t expected to say goodbye to each other. And it was, perhaps, a permanent goodbye.

  One more time, Nicholas asked, “Are you sure you won’t reconsider?”

  Jonathan flashed a grin. “Not a chance.”

  “Goodbye, my friend,” Nicholas said. “I hope I see you again before morning.”

  “I hope so, too,” Jonathan echoed the sentiment. “Goodbye.”

  As he walked down the hall, Jonathan’s heart was heavier than ever. Circumstances could change so quickly, couldn’t they? Not long ago, he was floating on air, having finally kissed the girl he loved. He wished he could go back to that day and relive it.

  Jonathan headed for his room. The sooner he could pack his bags and leave, the less time he had to change his mind. He didn’t want to change his mind. He already knew how terrible it would be to see Evangeline with another man.

  Actually, he didn’t plan on seeing her at all. He decided to leave the next day without so much as a polite farewell.

  But there she was, sitting on his bed.

  Chapter Twenty Eight

  It would’ve been strange enough to find Evangeline waiting in his room. Stranger still, she was sitting on his bed, almost as if she belonged. All he could do was scowl at her.

  “You don’t look very happy to see me,” she said, her voice nearly a whisper.

  “It’s unexpected, to sa
y the least,” Jonathan replied, his voice as cold as the expression on his face. “I don’t know why I should be surprised. Lately, everything you do is unexpected.”

  “I know what you’re thinking.”

  Jonathan crossed his arms. “Oh, really? What am I thinking?”

  Evangeline wrinkled her nose in concentration. “Well, that’s simple. You’re thinking that… well… well… I’m not sure what you’re thinking, actually.”

  “You really have no idea what’s on my mind?” Jonathan pressed her. He knew it would be an uncomfortable topic, and he had intended to avoid it altogether. Now that she was here, he wasn’t going to let her off easy.

  “I’m sure your thoughts have something to do with my engagement to Richard,” Evangeline said. “I can’t think of any other reason why you’d be glaring at me like that.”

  Jonathan turned away from her. He didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of seeing the dissatisfaction on his face. “I’m thinking that it’s entirely improper of you, coming into my room like this.”

  “I can’t help it.” Evangeline grabbed his pillow and held it on her lap, squeezing it against her chest. “I never know where to find you. I never know where you’ll show up. Your bedroom is the only place I could be sure you’d turn up… eventually.”

  “Well, I don’t think you should be here. And I’m sure your fiancé would agree with me.”

  She sighed. “I’m sure he would.”

  Jonathan could see her in the corner of his eye. Evangeline looked like she was on the verge of tears. He didn’t know whether he should give her his blessing or chide her. No matter what he did, he wouldn’t have a happy ending. If she already accepted Trevelan’s proposal, she had already made up her mind. “Do you love him?”

  “Who? Richard?”

  “Yes, Richard.”

  “No, of course not.”

  “Then… I don’t understand. Why would you marry him?”

  Evangeline hung her head, wishing she could bury her face in the pillow. “It just seems like the right thing to do. It’s what my father wanted, and--”

  “Did you ever care for me?”

  Evangeline nibbled on her lip. She didn’t know why she hesitated. The answer to his question should have been on the tip of her tongue. “I-I suppose I did,” she admitted. “But I don’t want to care for you. There are too many reasons why I shouldn’t! You’re a servant, you always criticize me, and you have nothing to offer me!”

  He turned to face her, looking as grim as ever. “Only one of those is true. Indeed, I’m a valet, and there’s nothing I can do to change that. I’ve had a lot of bad luck in my life, but it hasn’t changed me. If anything, becoming Nicholas’ valet was my only stroke of luck… apart from meeting you. As long as I’ve been here, I’ve never criticized you. I’ve teased you, but I would never say anything to upset you. And…I have a lot to offer you, I think.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “I could have offered you my heart.” As soon as he said this, Jonathan ran a hand over his lips, stifling a chuckle.

  “Why are you laughing?”

  “Because if I didn’t laugh, I would cry. That’s the way my life has always been, hasn’t it? I use laughter to make light of my situation. My God, I’ve been a fool.”

  Evangeline shook her head. “I like that you're so positive, Jonathan. I’ve always liked your sense of humor.”

  He sat on the bed beside her, gripping his head in his hand. “I actually believed I could be with you. That’s why I’m a fool.” He held up his right arm, raising his missing hand. “I’m lowborn, poor, and hideous.”

  Tears sprung into Evangeline’s eyes as she listened to him belittle himself. “Jonathan…”

  “Well it’s true, isn’t it? A beautiful girl like you would never be with a man who looked like me. Add that to your list of reasons to hate me.”

  “I could never hate you!”

  He gave a shrug of indifference.

  When a tear fell down her cheek, she quickly brushed it away. “I didn’t realize it would be so hard… to see your face after I agreed to marry Lord Trevelan. It’s been so hard!”

  “Not as hard as it’s been for me, I’m sure,” he countered. “I’m the one who’s been living in a fantasy world. I’m the one who’s lost someone I care about.”

  Evangeline clenched her fists. If she didn’t clench them, she might have been tempted to hit him on the head with his own pillow! She was getting tired of his disparaging remarks. “I can’t believe you would say that! You don’t think I care about you? Can’t you see I’m crying?”

  “Why are you here, Evangeline? What compelled you to come to my room?” he asked. “I’m sure you didn’t come for my blessing. I’m sure it makes you feel better to see me fly off in a jealous rage. When you see me in this sorry state… it must make you feel good to know you’ve triumphed over me.”

  Evangeline threw down the pillow and sprang from the bed. “Jonathan Winters!” she yelled his name. “I might feel sorry for you if you weren’t so horrible! If you must know, I came to tell you I will miss you terribly! Except now I won't miss you because you're being so despicable!”

  “You’re right,” Jonathan said with a sigh. “You’re right. I am despicable, and I’m sure you made the right choice.” When he looked up at her, Evangeline’s mouth was hanging open. “I’m being perfectly honest, Evangeline. I think marrying Lord Trevelan is the right thing to do. He’ll make you happy in ways that I cannot. I’m a despicable man with nothing to offer you.”

  As she listened to him, Evangeline’s heart was crying out in protest. She thought the world of Jonathan Winters. No one had ever made her happier. And by the sound of it, no one had ever cared for her as much as he did. What she really wanted to do was to throw her arms around him and smother him with kisses. She wanted to tell him he was perfect, and that she would take him as he was.

  Unfortunately, her mind ruled her heart.

  “Well, then,” Jonathan said with a sigh, “if you have nothing else to say, I don’t think you should stay here. You shouldn’t be in a man’s bedchamber in the middle of the night—or any time of day, for that matter. You should go.”

  “Jonathan…” she whispered his name. “Could you ever forgive me?”

  “For what? There’s nothing to forgive, is there? I already told you you’re doing the right thing. Besides, I won’t be around to spread my ill will much longer. I’m leaving tomorrow morning.”

  Evangeline held back another gasp. “Tomorrow morning?”

  “Aye,” he said with a nod. “I’m glad I got to see you again before I left. In spite of everything, it pleases me to see your face one last time.”

  “One… last… time?” she repeated the words very slowly. “Are you saying you’ll never be back?”

  Jonathan rose from the bed. “I’ve quit my job. I’m not Nicholas’ valet anymore. I’ll be lucky if I can get a job as anyone’s valet after this. I can’t imagine there are too many people willing to hire someone like me.”

  Evangeline’s lips were quivering. She pressed them together, not wanting him to know how much this news was affecting her. She was prepared to marry Trevelan—if she had to. But she wasn’t prepared to see Jonathan walk out of her life. In fact, she expected him to be an important part of her life—always—in some way or another. “What will you do?”

  Jonathan shrugged. He kept his face devoid of emotion, hiding his pain behind a guise of indifference. “I’ve saved my wages for many years, and Nicholas gave me a nice parting gift. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

  “I’m sorry if I hurt you, Jonathan.”

  Jonathan crossed the room and opened the door. “What did I tell you, girl? You have nothing to be sorry about.” He gestured toward the door with his hand. “The fact of the matter is, I would never be good enough for you. I should have realized it much sooner.” When he saw her scowling at him again, Jonathan looked away. “Goodnight, my lady. I hope you sleep well.”r />
  “Goodnight, Winters,” she hissed at him, holding her chin up as she walked past him. “Safe travels tomorrow morning.”

  When she heard the door close behind her, Evangeline sucked in a breath. There were tears behind her eyes, but she refused to shed them. What did she always tell herself? Jonathan wasn’t worth her time, was he? Why should she get so worked up about a silly, unimportant man like him?

  She loved him.

  She was determined to ignore that niggling voice in her head. Evangeline didn’t want to love Jonathan Winters. And even if she did love him, she didn’t see anything wrong with putting a few obstacles between them. If he truly cared for her, shouldn’t he try harder?

  When she reached her own bedchamber, Evangeline leaned against the door. She finally expelled the breath she’d been holding inside of her.

  These obstacles, she feared, were the insurmountable kind.

  Chapter Twenty Nine

  Every time she attempted to read her book, Anne’s thoughts wandered. It was almost midnight, but she couldn’t settle her restless mind. It was a different kind of restlessness—not the kind she enjoyed in Nicholas’ bed. Sometimes, their amorous activities kept her up so late, she would sleep until well past noon. Since the beginning of their affair, Anne felt as though her troubles had lifted. She savored his affections, and loved every second she spent with him.

  Nicholas Grey was the most amazing man she had ever known. Whenever she was with him, she hadn’t a care in the world. When she thought about the things he did to her, Anne nearly giggled. He had turned the modest matron into a very wicked woman.