Senseless Sensibilities

by K. L. O'Keefe

  As soon as the realization struck her, Evangeline sprung from her bed, dashed to the window, and peeled back the curtain. When she saw the snow, she expelled a sigh of relief that reached all the way to her heart. He wouldn’t leave in this sort of weather, would he? It would be nigh on impossible! Jonathan Winters was a frustrating man, but he wasn’t crazy.

  She was about to let go of the curtain when she noticed something odd. There were horse tracks in the snow—faint, but unmistakable. She was frozen for several seconds, staring at the tracks, hoping they’d disappear. After a minute or so, Evangeline came to an unsettling conclusion.

  By God, he was crazy!

  Her legs started to weaken as she stood there. Before they could crumble beneath her, she backed up to the bed and sat. Jonathan Winters was already gone.

  Evangeline twisted her hands in her lap, nervously and frantically. What should it matter to her? Why should she care if he was here or gone? It wasn’t as if she couldn’t live without him. It wasn’t as if she loved him, or ever could love him. Evangeline spent the next several minutes trying to convince herself of these facts. Senseless sensibilities had no place in her life. Evangeline never believed in love. She only believed in what was tangible. She believed in anything she could feel and touch, like money and property. There was no proof of love, so she didn’t believe in it.

  Evangeline lay in her bed and squashed her head against the pillow. “Forget about him,” she whispered to herself. “He isn’t worth your time. He…” Evangeline grabbed her blankets, squeezing and twisting them in her hands. At this point, she was fighting back tears. “You won’t wake up every morning and think about him. You won’t walk into the library and wish he was there. You won’t…”

  Evangeline’s reassuring words to herself were falling on deaf ears. The more she thought about him, the more she ached. She used to anticipate seeing him at odd times throughout the day. She used to open random doors, hoping to find him. And when she did find him, it was always the best part of her day. She used to sit at the lake and glance over her shoulder, hoping to see him walking toward her. For the first time, she realized how much their encounters meant to her, and how much they gave her pleasure. The more she thought about Jonathan, the more her heart was crying beneath her chest.

  A sob exploded from her throat. She lifted her pillow from beneath her head and pressed it against her face. Evangeline never cried so hard in her life. Heaven help her, she needed Jonathan Winters. He had become an essential part of her life, as much as the air she breathed. She stopped caring he was a valet a long time ago, but she was too stubborn to realize it.

  “What if I never see him again?” she murmured into the pillow. “What if I… what if I…”

  Never see him again? Never see him again! The thought was more than she could bear. She threw off the pillow and rose from her bed a second time. She had to find him. She had to make things right!

  When Evangeline threw open her bedroom door, she saw a portly woman with bright red cheeks. It was Agatha, a housekeeper notorious for spreading the latest gossip. Evangeline couldn’t have asked for a more timely visit from the loquacious woman.

  Agatha held out her fist. “I was about to knock on yer door, I was. I’m fillin’ in for Emma today, as she’s feelin’ a bit out ‘o sorts. I’ll be cleanin’ yer room and dressin’ yer hair and all that.”

  Evangeline grabbed Agatha’s arm, tightly and urgently. “Did Mr. Winters leave this morning?”

  “Mr. Winters?” Agatha raised a bushy eyebrow. She didn’t know why the young lady of the house would address the valet like that, but it wasn’t her place to ask. “Why, yes. I believe ‘e did. ‘E left about fifteen minutes ago.”

  “Fifteen minutes!” Evangeline narrowed her eyes. She thought she had every right to be angry. How could he leave without saying goodbye? The insensitive cad! “Thank you, Agatha.”

  Evangeline started down the hall, when the maid called out to her. “Miss!”

  Evangeline spun around. “What is it, Agatha? You’d better make it quick, as I have little time to waste.”

  “You weren’t plannin’ to go out in yer bedclothes, was ye?”

  With a frown, Evangeline looked down at her attire. “Oh dear.”

  “If yer gonna chase after that young man, you should at least have a warm coat. The weather’s bad, y’know. And I’m not sayin’ I condone rushin’ out in the middle of a snowstorm, but it ain’t my place to stop ya.” Agatha stepped inside Evangeline’s room, motioning for the girl to come toward her. “Let’s get you dressed ‘n ready to go.”

  It would’ve been foolish to raise a fuss. Evangeline marched back into her room and let the maid pile on three layers of clothing. After ten precious minutes, she was finally ready to go.

  Or not. She spent another ten minutes preparing a horse for travel. By the time she was truly ready to go, Jonathan had a forty minute head start. Evangeline would never catch up to him now! Her eyes welled up with tears when she considered that possibility.

  Sidesaddle be damned! Evangeline mounted the horse like a man, with one leg on either side. Considering the fact that she wore a dress, it had to look a bit vulgar, but Evangeline didn’t care. With one objective in mind, she had little time to worry about anything else.

  She tried to locate the prints of Jonathan’s horse, but the fresh snow had already covered them. Fortunately, she knew the area rather well, and could guess where he might have headed. Evangeline followed the main road south, trying to come up with a plan as she traveled. The wind was bitingly cold; however, and she could hardly come up with a plausible thought. If she ever caught up to him, the first thing she would do was tell him how crazy he was for traveling in hazardous weather!

  Then she would confess her feelings, as they were long overdue.

  After the first few miles, Evangeline arrived at her first destination: The Cozy Kitten. The inn was right on the main road. If Jonathan had any sense at all, he would stay here and wait out the storm. When she entered the inn by herself, she wasn’t surprised when she attracted stares. Young ladies didn’t travel unattended, especially when they were dressed as nicely as she was. Of course, they couldn’t turn her away—not when she looked as frozen as the icicles hanging above the door.

  She approached the innkeeper with shivering lips. “D-do you by any chance have a g-guest here? A man by the name of Jonathan Winters?”

  The old innkeeper twisted his lips and shook his head.

  “Are you sure? He would have arrived about an hour ago.”

  “Aye,” the old man answered. “Yer the first I’ve seen all morning, lass.”

  Evangeline closed her eyes, sighing deeply. “Do you mind if I warm myself by the fire for a few minutes?”

  He shook his head. Clearly, he was a man of few words.

  Evangeline walked to the fire and stood. The heat felt like heaven on her ice cold cheeks. As she thawed, Evangeline tried to collect her thoughts. Where might he have gone, and how could she find him? If she continued along the main road, she’d come to another inn eventually. All she could do was soldier on and pray for good fortune.

  Saying farewell to the innkeeper, Evangeline headed out into the snow to continue her foolhardy quest. She rode south for several minutes, until her cheeks were completely numb. Everywhere she looked, she saw snow. It seemed as though the entire world was white: the road, the trees, the sky. There wasn’t any sign of life in the forbidding, frosty climate. Twenty minutes later, she wasn’t even sure she was heading in the right direction. Was she going south? How could she be sure?

  “This is madness,” she scolded herself, the words coming from lips she could no

  longer feel. “Complete and utter madness.”

  Her horse nickered in agreement.

  As she trudged forward, the weather seemed to be getting worse and worse. If she held her hand in front of her face, she could hardly see it. The snow was blinding, and the cold was making her eyelids droop. To make matters w
orse, the horse decided to stop moving. It halted in its tracks.

  When the animal refused to move, despite her urgings, Evangeline started to panic. She dismounted, her boots crunching in the snow. “Why won’t you move?” she whined. She gave its bridle a tug, but the horse didn’t flinch. “Stupid animal.”

  It must have understood her, for the horse jerked its head, freeing the bridle from her grasp. In protest of their journey, it turned around and dashed away from her, in the direction from which they came.

  Evangeline ran after it as fast she could. “No! You can’t! Get back here!” she shouted. It didn’t heed her command. The horse kept running, reaffirming her distaste for anything equine. She knew she could never catch up to the fleeing animal.

  But that didn’t stop Evangeline from trying. She ran after the horse as long as she could, until it disappeared from view. And she might have kept running, if she hadn’t tripped on a stone and toppled into the snow.

  When she hit the ground, Evangeline retained consciousness for several seconds. She wondered if she hit her head on something, as she felt a tremendous pain in her temple. She also wondered if she would die out here, lost in the snow.

  Her last thought was about Jonathan.

  And then she faded away.

  Chapter Thirty One

  Jonathan’s heart was broken. In a matter of hours, he’d lost everything he cared about. The worst part was, it was mostly his fault.

  Of course, he couldn’t have prevented Evangeline’s betrothal to another man. Losing her was not his fault at all. He never had her to begin with, so she wasn’t his to lose. However, leaving Penworth Park had been his idea. Everyone he cared about, whether they cared for him or not, was at that place. He was the one who chose to leave. Jonathan sat alone in the tiny sitting room, at an inn where no one noticed him. No one spared him a glance. In a way, it reminded him of living on the streets.

  Only this time, he was the one who landed himself in this situation. He was alone because he chose to be alone.

  Jonathan raked his hand through his messy hair, still damp from the snow that had fallen on him. He wondered if he had overreacted. Shouldn’t he be happy for Evangeline? She was so far above his station, he should have never considered himself a worthy match for her. If he truly loved her, he should have gladly stepped aside. After all, wasn’t she getting what she had always wanted? Lord Trevelan could give her all the things Jonathan could not.

  “I’ve been a baby,” Jonathan said aloud, attracting a few stares from surrounding patrons. He ran his hand over his lips, muffling a chuckle. “Big baby Jonathan.”

  Now that he arrived at this realization, Jonathan wondered what he should do. It wasn’t as if he was too proud to go back, and it wasn’t as if Nicholas wouldn’t accept him with open arms. However, Jonathan was already miles away from Penworth Park, and the snow was falling faster than ever. To venture out again would only invite death.

  Jonathan weighed his options. The longer he waited, the worse it could get. If he stayed overnight, he could be snowed in for days. He wasn’t too thrilled about the prospect of staying at the unwelcoming little inn where he now sat.

  “So,” he whispered to himself, “if I want to leave now, Penworth Park is the obvious choice. London is too far away to consider.” His attempts at rationalization made him laugh. That morning, hadn’t he insisted on an immediate departure, despite the bad weather? His logic was completely and utterly nonsensical.

  Of course, he had another reason for returning. Jonathan felt like he owed an apology to Evangeline. Sitting all alone, he realized something. If Evangeline’s friendship was all he had, he should value it. Her friendship was more than a mangy, outspoken, rag-mannered valet deserved.

  Jonathan wanted to go back to the way they were, before his foolish feelings got in the way. He wanted to put a smile on her face and make her laugh. He wanted to poke fun at her foibles and take pleasure in her company. He had been an awful companion these last few days, and he wanted to make it up to her. His happiness relied on it.

  By the time Jonathan decided to leave, the snow was already up to his ankles. When he tried to pull Bucketsnout out of the stables, the animal turned its nose up at him. He couldn’t blame the animal for its reluctance, which was conquered by a nibble on a carrot. Encouraged by the promise of more carrots, Jonathan and the horse went out into the blizzard and headed in the direction of Penworth Park.

  Jonathan leaned forward in the saddle, trying to ward off the freezing wind. Snowflakes clung to his eyelashes and whipped around his head. It was almost impossible to see anything in front of him.

  He wondered how far he had traveled. It was quite a distance, but he had covered it with ease. The return trip couldn’t be much more difficult, could it? Unfortunately, the wind was blowing in the direction he was heading, and it was a wonder his ears did not freeze off within minutes. Jonathan relied heavily on his sense of direction. There was no path beneath him, only snow. His memory of the surroundings was his only guide.

  As he traveled, Jonathan saw something peculiar—a light blue bundle of mysterious origin. He couldn’t say for certain what it was, but it looked like a person. A lady. In a dress? Jonathan squinted, trying to see through the falling snow. If it was a person, he would have to change his plans. Helping someone in need was more important than his internal struggle.

  As he drew closer to the fallen form, Jonathan was certain it was woman. How long was she out in the snow? He dismounted his horse and knelt beside the woman in blue, turning her over so he could get a look at her face.

  When he saw her face, his heart went numb. Evangeline. Her cheeks were as white as the snow upon which she laid, and her hair was incased in ice. When he touched her cheek, her skin was as hard as a stone. “Oh God… oh God, no…” His hand went down to her neck, checking for a pulse. She was still alive, but she was drawing the faintest breaths.

  Jonathan gathered her into his arms and squeezed her. “Please, God…” he whispered, turning his eyes toward heaven. “Don’t take her away from me. If you let her live, I promise I’ll always do the right thing. I’ll never take anything for granted!” He kissed her forehead, which was ice cold.

  He had to get her out of the snow.

  Jonathan rose to his feet and scooped her off the ground. Cradling her in his arms, he started toward the inn. Evangeline felt weightless. He hoped that didn’t mean her soul had already left her.

  When he whistled for his horse, the animal came rushing back to him. Jonathan swung himself into the saddle, pulling Evangeline with him. Her cold hair lashed against his face when he tried to hold her upright. When the horse started forward, Jonathan tried to concentrate on getting Evangeline as warm as possible. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her as tightly as he could.

  “Please be alright. Please. I’m begging you not to leave me.” He thought he saw her eyelashes flutter as he spoke to her, but a discouraging voice in the back of his head told him he imagined it.

  “I love you,” he whispered, ever so softly.

  His heart wrenched when he said those words. It was true. He did love her.

  And he would have done anything in his power to bring her back.

  Chapter Thirty Two

  Jonathan spent the next several hours kneeling by Evangeline’s bedside, clasping his hands in a prayer-like position, hoping she would open her eyes. All he could do was hope, as it was impossible for a doctor to reach them in the snowstorm.

  There was no doctor, but the old innkeeper was more accommodating than he looked. As soon as Jonathan carried her into the inn, everyone scrambled to help them. The old man offered Jonathan a room with a fireplace, and the maids heated blankets to wrap around Evangeline’s frozen body. When she started to catch a fever, they replaced the blankets with cold compresses and did whatever they could to help her. Jonathan had never been so touched by human kindness in his life. He must have looked very desperate, even moreso than when he was begging on the streets.<
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  “I’d beg on the streets for the rest of my life, if only it would bring you back,” he whispered to Evangeline, brushing the sweat-laden bangs from her forehead. He shuddered when he touched her cold, sticky skin.

  After nearly four hours of sitting beside her, Jonathan remembered something he should have remembered long ago. Lady Anne! And Nicholas! By this time, they surely knew about Evangeline’s absence. With the weather being what it was, they were probably in a state of panic. “What were you thinking?” Jonathan whispered to Evangeline, “making your mother worry like that?”

  Jonathan had not yet considered why he found Evangeline in the snow. It was too fanciful to think she was chasing after him. He was just a silly valet, hardly worth endangering herself over. But other than that, there was no logical explanation for her behavior. Whatever her reason, she must have taken leave of her senses.

  For the first time in four hours, Jonathan rose from Evangeline’s bedside. He sat at the desk in the corner and scribbled a note to Nicholas, informing him of Evangeline’s health. When Jonathan set the quill in the inkwell, he wondered if he would find anyone to send the letter. In this weather, he highly doubted it. If he couldn’t send it before morning tomorrow, Jonathan would have to deliver it himself. If it came to that, composing the letter would be nothing but a waste of time.

  Jonathan looked over his shoulder at Evangeline, nestled in her bed, pale and shivering. Once again, he realized what a fool he’d been. Having Evangeline in his life was more important than anything.

  Another maid came and went, changing the cold compress on Evangeline’s forehead. He wondered if the frequency of the maids had anything to do with concern for the lady’s reputation. If people found out she was alone with a man for many hours, tongues would wag. Regardless of her health, it could be a taint on Evangeline’s name.

  Jonathan didn’t care what anyone thought. He wanted one thing, and one thing only.