Before There Was You

by Denise A. Agnew

  “Hi.” Instinct put Lana in a chair across the room. “How was your weekend?”

  “Sucked.”

  Lana placed her tote bag down on the floor next to her chair. “Oh. Sorry to hear that.” Roxanne just stared at Lana until Lana felt pressured to speak again. “Did you write a letter for tonight?”

  Roxanne crossed her long legs and clasped her hands over her knee. “I did. I think it was a waste of time.”

  Exasperation almost made Lana say something derogatory, but she skipped the hostility. “I think the letter helped me. I said things I maybe couldn’t have out loud. It was easier.”

  Roxanne wrinkled her nose, a face Lana had never seen her make.

  “I wrote out what I felt, but I’m leaving it in my purse. It’s a load of excrement. We need better therapy than this,” Roxanne said.

  Oookay. Same old refrain. “What would be a better alternative?”

  Roxanne shrugged, and when she smiled, her face had an odd expression. Lana had never paid much attention to Roxanne’s eyes before, but today they had an icy coolness.

  “I’m not sure there’s any alternative,” Roxanne said.

  “Are you going to read your letter?”

  “Yes.”

  Curious, Lana asked, “Your group therapy is court ordered, right? Like Aaron’s?”

  “Yes.”

  “So you’re only doing this therapy because of that. Otherwise you’d do what?”

  Roxanne shifted until she sat back in her chair. “I don’t think much about it. I was discussing this with Magnus the other day. We’ve been spending some time together.”

  Surprise almost kept Lana silent. “I see.”

  Roxanne smiled, honest humor in her grin. “Do you? He’s quite a nice young man.”

  “Is he?” Lana couldn’t help the doubtful sound in her voice.

  Roxanne tilted her head to one side. “He’s very misunderstood, I think.”

  Lana almost snorted in disbelief. Roll with it and humor her. “How?”

  Roxanne leaned forward again, her smile plastic. “Very insightful. He’s shown me some things about myself.”

  Lana suddenly felt like a therapist herself. “Such as?”

  “He had the horrible experience with his stepfather.” Roxanne’s long nose wrinkled as if she’d smelled something rotten. “The poor boy.”

  “I agree. He’s had some bad trauma.”

  “I’ve had trauma in my past, but I never realized that it molded me into what I am now.” Roxanne gestured with her hands, a floating movement that seemed at odds with her usual stiff posture. “Quite a few horrendous things happened to me as a child, but as I was writing them out, I realized the only way I’d purge them was to get rid of them one by one.”

  “How?”

  “Have my own sexual revolution. Among other things.”

  “Sexual revolution.” What else did she say to that?

  “I’ve considered an affair with a younger man for some time now. Magnus might be the one.”

  Lana was surprised into silence for a moment. Seriously? Her amazement at the news gave her loose lips. “If I were you, I’d reconsider it with…Magnus.”

  Roxanne’s mouth took on a disapproving line. “Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black?” Her voice lowered, raspy with accusation rather than a question. “You have something going on with Aaron.”

  Lana almost denied it. Instead, she nodded. “Yes. It’s just that Magnus approached me in the parking lot of a restaurant awhile back.” Lana explained to Roxanne what Magnus had said and done. “That’s why I wouldn’t suggest a relationship with him.” Lana continued with, “You’ve heard the snide things he’s said to me during group therapy. He ridicules me here in therapy and then comes on to me, harasses me. Don’t you think that’s strange?”

  Roxanne’s face hardened to stone. “I’m shocked you’d lie like this.”

  Lana blinked. What? Defensiveness rose up. “I’m not lying.”

  “Magnus already told me what happened. He explained that he happened to be there that day and you came on to him. I was hoping you and I could have a heart-to-heart conversation.”

  Lana’s skin suddenly crawled, and the unexpected sensation sent a weird premonition through her. Before Lana could form a coherent comeback, Magnus entered the room with Aaron, Richard, and Elliot. Good. This lady is creeping me out.

  Aaron made a beeline for a chair next to Lana and sat to her left. “Hey. So much for me being early. Had to fix a flat tire. I came out of the apartment and there it was, totally flat.”

  “That’s not good.” She smiled. “But you’re allowed to be on time.”

  He returned her grin with a cocky equivalent. “Thanks.”

  His voice was soft and his smile gentle. Comfort swaddled her. Aaron acted like armor deflecting Magnus and Roxanne’s odd juju. She needed to become comfortable enough in her own skin to make sure their weirdness bounced off of her. She didn’t need Aaron as a shield, but there it was, cradling her in protection. Lana didn’t know whether to feel alarmed or not.

  Addy walked in and the session started. Nerves spiked inside Lana. The moment of truth would arrive soon, and she’d have to read her letter out loud. Oh, joy.

  After initial greetings around the group, Addy shuffled her folder and opened to a page. “All right. Today we’re into a new chapter. Who’d like to read their letter first?”

  Lana surprised herself and held up her hand. “I will.”

  Addy acknowledged Lana while Lana rummaged in her big tote bag. “Good. Thank you.”

  As Lana extracted the typewritten pages from her tote, her heart started to race. For a second the strange panic she’d once experienced driving a car hit her. She drew in a deep breath and started.

  “Dear Group, I’m not sure where to start, but here I go. During the two weeks in captivity, I was underfed, though they gave me enough water. Lack of food resulted in physical weakness. After Raul forced me to have oral sex, I was certain rape would come next.” Lana almost choked on the words, and she halted. Her eyes watered as she remembered Raul’s impersonal, slimy, rough touch. She swallowed hard and continued, determined to tell all. “It never did. At least, I don’t think it did. Instead, I tried to refuse to give him oral sex, he shoved me against the wall. I hit my head and lost consciousness. When I woke up some time later, my clothes were gone. Later that night Raul brought some other clothes back to me. When I asked him why he’d taken my clothes, he told me it was because I stank. He didn’t want oral sex with a woman who stank. He was right—I did stink. So much I made myself ill. Eventually I got used to the smell. When I asked him where the new clothes came from, he didn’t answer. He just smiled. I tried on the clothes and they were too short and too loose, but I wore them anyway. Fortunately I still had my athletic shoes. I think the clothes were from the woman I’d heard screaming next door.”

  Lana shivered at the memory of the woman’s screams. She hoped someday those screams would disappear from her memory forever, but for now they lurked in her mind. “There was no blood on the clothes. Nothing to prove they were from her. It was just a hunch I had. One night I was awakened by a hand over my mouth. I screamed but couldn’t make much sound behind the guy’s palm. I was sure it was Raul or one of his minions back to rape and kill me. But then I heard the man’s voice. He said he was American, Navy SEALs, and they were taking me home. You can’t know the ecstasy that brought me. I was so weak, though, I could barely stand. I don’t know if it was the two weeks of abuse and stress taking a toll, or just being confined to one area for so long. The SEAL threw me over his shoulder, and we were out of there. About that time there were explosions, gunfire, and screams. It was so dark out, I couldn’t see a damned thing. It was chaos, so it was hard for me to know what was going on. I was filled with enough anger that I hoped the SEALs were taking out every one of Raul’s friends.”

  Lana licked her lips and reached for her bottle of water. She took a long swallow before s
he continued. “I was carried to a clearing and loaded on a helicopter. The SEAL team climbed in, and before I knew, it we were lifting off. I was so happy, I was stunned. I couldn’t even cry. A medic started giving me IV fluids right away, and I fell asleep. We arrived at a military base in Costa Rica where the SEALs delivered me to medical personnel. Over the next few hours I received medical treatment. I did a rape kit, but there was no evidence of vaginal rape. I was relieved. Before I knew it, investigators came in from several agencies to question me. I was in the hospital for four days before I could fly home.”

  Lana stopped and looked up. All eyes watched her, and she sank her gaze to avoid their curiosity and perhaps condemnation. She felt Aaron’s warmth next to her and took solace from that.

  “Is that the end of your letter?” Addy asked, her voice soft and understanding.

  Lana managed to pull her gaze up to Addy’s gentle expression. “Yes. That’s all.”

  Addy smiled. “Thank you. I know that had to be difficult to relate.”

  “Can we ask questions?” Roxanne asked out of the blue.

  Addy’s brow furrowed a little. “I think it’s enough that Lana has revealed the remainder of her situation in the letter. We’ll move on to someone else’s letter.”

  Lana breathed a sigh of relief that she wouldn’t need to answer questions. At least not now. She glanced over at Aaron, and noted the worry in his eyes.

  “Roxanne, would you like to go next?” Addy asked.

  Roxanne removed a somewhat crumpled note page from her purse. “No, I don’t think this is finished yet. I’d like to add more to it and bring it back another night.” She glanced up and her gaze clashed with Lana’s. “After all, this isn’t high school. You can’t make me read it.”

  Addy didn’t seem eager to make anyone do one thing they didn’t want. “Of course not. Let me be clear, the letters aren’t mandatory in order for me to sign off on your releases after the therapy is over. I just feel the letter writing is extremely beneficial. Very well. Who would like to go next? Elliot?”

  “Yep. I’m good to go.” Elliot smoothed the wrinkled lined notebook paper clutched in his hands and continued.

  Elliot relayed his experience in a halting voice, and as he neared the end of the letter, tears came for him. Lana’s heart ached for the man. He’d been through a monumental experience. Richard relayed his letter as well, his voice halting as he told his sad story. Soon it came time for Aaron to present his letter to everyone. Lana turned her attention to him. His eyes appeared haunted, and she wondered if he would refuse to read.

  Aaron took the letter out of a manila folder. Ever the organized one, that man.

  “There’s some four-letter language in here. I hope that’s okay,” Aaron said.

  Addy nodded, though her expression was grim. “Of course. We all know it’s pure emotion here. I’m glad you said what you needed to say.”

  Aaron nodded and began. “I seriously considered not writing this letter. The skeptical part of me says this is stupid. The marine in me demands I follow through and not give up. I’ve never been much of a touchy-feely man, so this experience…this whole group therapy thing, is like fingernails on a blackboard. I’ve finally discovered as I write this letter what my biggest problem is. The suicide of Sergeant Martin Fillman. He was a stand-up marine, a guy who would do anything for me or another marine. One day after this messed-up recon, I was standing with some marines. We were back at the camp and out of relative danger. All of a sudden Fillman walks up, takes his sidearm out, and points it directly at me. It shocked the shit out of everyone standing there. All I could see is the barrel of that piece. The big hollow where a bullet would launch. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move. No one else moved, either. My life didn’t flash before my eyes. Thoughts ran through my head. My mother and father and my sisters. I knew that if I died right then, it would destroy them. They’d already suffered through the death of my brother Craig. This would rip them to shreds. The other marines, would he shoot them too? What the hell had I done to this guy that he’d want to shoot me? Before I could form another thought, he put the gun to his head and fired.”

  Lana heard gasps, but her attention stayed on Aaron as she watched his stony expression closely. She realized he’d poured out all his emotion Saturday night when he’d called her. He’d given everything to the story then. When she looked at the others, varying looks passed over their faces. Richard and Elliot looked somber and reflective. Addy contemplative. Roxanne and Magnus were at least as stone-faced as Aaron.

  Aaron continued staring at the paper and continued. “I remember lunging toward Fillman right then, thinking there was something I could do. The other marines did too. We realized he was dead immediately by his staring, sightless eyes and the way his head was broken into pieces.” Aaron’s Adam’s apple bobbed. “You know, I always figured I’d feel repulsed or something when or if I saw a man’s head get ripped apart like a watermelon on a sidewalk. The possibility was there. Men died all the time out there. I’d never seen one do himself in, though. I was angry. I cursed a lot while someone called over a medic.”

  “You didn’t feel repulsed?” Roxanne asked, disgust in her tone.

  Addy held up one hand. “No questions.”

  Aaron answered anyway, no longer using the letter to explain what had happened to him. “Yeah, I did. I felt so much revulsion that ten seconds later, after the medic took over, I ran a few yards and lost my cookies in a ditch. I lost them until I couldn’t do anything but choke. Then I couldn’t catch my breath, and another medic came to me. He thought maybe I’d aspirated my own vomit. He tried to calm me down. It didn’t work, and I thought I’d die. He told two other marines to take me to the medical area. They braced their shoulders under my armpits because for half the walk I couldn’t stand up, I was so weak.” Aaron rubbed the back of his neck. “Finally I could stand on my own and shrugged them off. They still went with me to the tent. A doctor insisted on examining me and drugging me up. I refused the meds, but my commanding officer came in and ordered me to stand down. So like a good little boy, I took the little pills and slept. I slept for twelve hours. When I woke up, I was more ashamed than I could ever remember. I’d slunk off to the medical tent like a whipped dog. I’d left my men there to deal with Fillman lying on the ground like a broken doll.”

  Lana put her hand to her mouth and closed her eyes. She could imagine only too well the agony on Aaron’s face as he’d observed the sergeant killing himself. A hush had taken over the room, but she didn’t dare look at anyone, especially not Aaron.

  “I already had planned to put in my retirement papers, and this sealed the deal,” Aaron said, “but Fillman almost took me out with him. A good man I thought I knew. It shattered everything I thought at the time.” Aaron shrugged. “I think that’s what brought me to this point.”

  Lana opened her eyes and allowed her hand to drop. Aaron was still stone-faced, but she saw the bits of remembered agony and shame etched into his eyes. She wanted with everything in her to replace those memories with good times. Aaron’s gaze met hers, and the need for understanding filled his eyes. Oh, yes. She understood. She ached to tell him. Addy cleared her throat, and Lana broke her gaze from Aaron’s.

  “Thank you, Aaron,” Addy said.

  Aaron stood and walked out, his face grimly determined, as if he had a mission to complete. Lana was startled, grabbed her handbag, and started to rise.

  “Let him be, Lana,” Addy said.

  Lana’s temper rose slightly. “But—”

  “Just for now.” Addy’s tone didn’t accept argument. “We’re almost done.” Addy’s voice returned to calm and collected. “Well, that was a lot of work for everyone so far. Magnus, would you like to share your letter?”

  Magnus smiled. “I can’t even top that. Makes my problem look like…” Magnus shrugged.

  Addy said, “It doesn’t matter. We need to hear your letter. You suffered years of abuse. It’s important
we help you with this.”

  Magnus lifted one leg over the other and braced his hands around one knee. “I’d like to take the extra day like Roxanne.”

  Addy sighed, the sound a bit exasperated, and that surprised Lana. “All right. You both can read your letters on Thursday. In the meantime, between now and then, I’d like everyone in this group to write down questions and things you can say that might help each person who read a letter today.”

  Lana didn’t like that idea. Magnus and Roxanne would be condescending. She had a good enough handle on their personalities to predict what they’d do. Ah well, what could she do? Absolutely nothing. Eagerness to run out to Aaron almost overwhelmed her. He’d probably already driven off. After Addy let them go, Lana went out the door first and saw Aaron sitting on the steps. She sank down next to him as other members of the group passed them, each saying good-bye. Once they were out of earshot, Lana examined Aaron’s profile. His face had hardened into that stone face she recognized as trademark Aaron. A muscle in his jaw flexed. She was afraid to touch him, so she didn’t.

  “You okay?” she asked.

  He drew in a slow breath, and when he turned his gaze to hers, those eyes were crystal clear and sad. “Yeah. It felt good to tell the story. It felt good.”

  Relief hit her. “I’m so sorry that you had…it wasn’t just the suicide, it was your reaction to it that bothered you.”

  He looked away, this time to the aspens and pines drifting in a gentle breeze. “Yeah. The counselor at the VA told me it was a normal reaction. I found out later that two of the other men had the same problem. One started having nightmares and couldn’t sleep. The other got so sick they thought he’d had a stroke or a heart attack. Instead he’d already formed an ulcer and the suicide just topped it off.”

  “Do you feel better about anything? Now that you’ve told the story?”

  “It was hard writing it.” He turned a gentle smile on her. “Easier than it would have been if you hadn’t been on the phone with me. Thank you again.”

  He hadn’t answered the question, but she was so happy to see him smile. “You’re welcome. You’ve done the same for me in different ways. You’re a good friend.”