Before There Was You

by Denise A. Agnew

  “I feel better.” He nodded. “I don’t think I’m even afraid anymore that people will think I’m a pussy for…” He shook his head.

  She smacked him playfully on the shoulder. “You are so not a pussy, Aaron MacPherson. You’re a brave, incredibly strong man. But you didn’t want to tell the whole story because you felt shame. Shame that you reacted physically to almost losing your life and to his suicide. This wasn’t just some random suicide. You were threatened with death, and then a man killed himself in front of you in a gruesome, ugly way. Anyone with normal human reactions…any compassionate, caring human being would be touched by the tragedy. You just didn’t like the fact people could see that reaction in you.”

  He snorted softly. “Yeah, that’s it. That really is it. Like I told you before, as marines we’re told to suck it up.”

  “You have. For twenty years. Now’s the time to show compassion to yourself. Otherwise you get to spend the rest of your life in the deep blue funk. Which would you rather have? Forgiving yourself, or living in misery forever?”

  He smiled and slid his arm around her shoulders. He brought her close into his side, and the warmth and strength made the slow-simmering arousal inside her burst into prominent life. No, she wasn’t old. Not even middle-aged. But she felt like a sweet young eighteen-year-old, so excited for the first time, for a first kiss. His eyes warmed with admiration. A sweet tingle entered her belly and spread downward to her loins. God, the man turned her on.

  The admiration in his eyes turned liquid hot. “I’ll take forgiveness.”

  She drew in a deep, satisfied breath. “Wonderful.”

  “What about you?”

  “What about me?”

  “Is there any forgiveness you need to make?”

  “I think telling my story has helped me with that too. But I have a lot of work to do. I still need to convince myself I couldn’t do anything to save that other woman. That I couldn’t have done anything to save myself from Raul and those bastards. But I’m a hell of a lot farther along than I was when I started in this group.”

  “Good. I guess we should celebrate.”

  She knew right then how she wanted to celebrate, even with the tiniest hint of self-doubt lingering. Come on. Just do it. Just speak out loud what you want. Claim it. “Come over to my place and hang out.”

  His smile held wicked intent that made everything female inside her take notice. His attention sent a wild thrill to every part of her. He wasn’t hiding that admiring look, the one that said he wanted her. She imagined maybe she wasn’t hiding her desire for him, either.

  Lana disengaged herself gently from his grip, and smiling down at him, she held out her hand. “Let’s go, marine.”

  * * * *

  Lana’s blood sang all the way down I-25, and she added to it by singing along to some music on her iPod that was connected to the stereo system. When she pulled into her parking space, she thought her nerves would burst through her skin.

  She’d invited Aaron MacPherson back to her apartment to celebrate. What the hell did she mean by that? Well, okay. She knew what she meant. Her body craved his with a drugging intensity that filled her with exciting anticipation.

  Unlike the last time they’d been together at his place, she didn’t feel panicky about the prospect of sleeping with him. And God, did she ever want that. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d wanted a man like this. Probably never. She certainly couldn’t recall a connection as stimulating. He pulled his SUV into the parking lot, and she took a deep breath and exited her vehicle. She hefted her big tote bag over her shoulder and met him halfway across the parking lot.

  “Hey,” she said softly.

  He took her hand, smiled, and said, “Hey.”

  Once inside her apartment, she asked him to make himself at home, and then went into her bedroom to toss her tote bag on a chair and take off her shoes. She went into the bathroom, and while there, she stared into the mirror. Easy. Easy does it. Don’t jump the shark and think you’re going to play doctor with him. If it happened, it happened.

  She padded into the living room in stocking feet, her nerves still leaping like jumping beans. Seeing Aaron sprawled in one corner of her couch looking like a very relaxed and content lion didn’t help. When he saw her, that big smile came out, relaxing the hard planes of his face. Stubble, just enough to give him a hot, dangerous look, covered his jaw.

  “You look good in that,” she said as she walked into the kitchen.

  “Look good in what?”

  “You’re wearing that stubble very well. It looks good on you. Makes you look dangerous.”

  He chuckled. “Ah, hell. That’s the last thing I need. Some people already think I’m freaky looking.”

  “Oh, please. Freaky? Hardly. So why are you growing stubble?”

  “Laziness I guess. I’ve spent a hell of a lot of my life scrubbed clean, buttoned up, shaved.”

  “I thought that’s what you liked.”

  He shrugged. “Maybe I’m loosening up a bit.” He waggled his eyebrows. “Maybe I should grow long hair.”

  She imagined him with that rugged face and long hair. “Could be a good look for you. Is your hair curly when it grows out?”

  “Good guess. I had shoulder-length hair when I was in high school. Dad hated it, but I grew it because the girls liked it. It gets sort of curly.”

  “Ah, so you weren’t always one hundred percent buttoned up.”

  “Nope. I’d grow my hair for you, though, if you liked it.”

  A wicked tingle bloomed low in her belly again. She literally ached between her legs. This man was turning her inside out and upside down. “Well, I’ll make you a deal. You do whatever you want with your hair. I love the very short cut you have now, but I think the long hair would look great too.”

  “Okay, it’s a deal. I’ll stick with seeing how a little stubble looks on my chin. I don’t think I’d like one of those ZZ Top or Duck Dynasty beards or anything.”

  She wrinkled her nose. “No.”

  “What would you like to drink?” She ticked off the usual items. “Are you hungry?”

  “Not hungry, thanks, but if you are, don’t let me stop you. Water is fine for me.”

  She couldn’t have eaten a thing, even if she was starving. So she brought two bottles of water to the coffee table. She took a chance and sank down on the cushion next to him. For the next two hours they avoided topics dealing with therapy and ventured into other areas they hadn’t expressed before.

  When quiet descended for a while, she broke out with, “The other night, when I didn’t…when I left your bedroom…”

  “It’s all right. You know I’ll never pressure you.”

  She remembered. His right hand lay on his thigh, and she placed her left hand over his. She leaned forward and placed a sweet kiss to his chin. Before she could fully pull away, he cupped the back of her neck and eased down to meet her lips. Warm, tempting, and teasing, his mouth coaxed a response. He didn’t devour or force. No, he lingered and urged her to explore him as he explored her.

  He slid his arm slid around her shoulders to draw her even closer. Her fingers spread over his chest and savored the hot, hard muscle. The barest groan escaped him and rumbled in his chest. Waves of arousal punched her, and she answered with a soft moan. His tongue dipped, caressing hers with one stroke and another, and the throb between her legs increased. She wanted to feel his muscular body, to forget the men in Costa Rica who’d frightened and intimidated her. To forget…

  Aaron caressed her everywhere, palming her back and shoulders and all the while kissing her with a building intensity that set her on fire. In the back of her mind there was still that one little bit of doubt that prickled.

  An image of Raul’s cruel face.

  With a start she drew back. He must have seen it in her eyes, but he smiled and it was full of understanding. Heat banked in his eyes, still there, still wanting her with a potency that staggered her. His chest rose and fell a lit
tle more, and when she glanced down…well, there was no denying the heavy erection pressing against his jeans. The man wanted her.

  “It’s getting late,” he said softly. “I’d better go home and let you get your beauty sleep.”

  “Aaron, I want to be with you, but Raul’s face just keeps getting in the way and messing with my head.” Frustration colored her voice.

  He brushed her hair back from her face. “It’s all right. This takes as long as it takes.” He threaded both hands into her hair. “Damn, you’re pretty.”

  She laughed. “Flattery will get you everywhere, marine.”

  He brushed the tip of her nose with one finger, and then pressed the most exquisitely sweet kiss to her forehead. “Ah, baby, I hope so.”

  She nodded, sad that she couldn’t fulfill what she wanted sexually with him. Not yet. Not quite yet.

  “Aaron, I’m sorry…I…”

  “Shh.” He kissed her lips softly, lingeringly. “Told you once already. Only when you’re ready. Not a moment before.”

  “I am ready, but…” She shrugged. “There’s this thing inside me that hasn’t erased what Raul did. I need to find my way past that first.” She decided to go for it, to be vulnerable in front of him. “You know what worries me more? That if I keep hesitating, you’ll get tired of it. Flaky, messed-up-in-the-head woman who needs therapy for forty-five years.”

  He grinned. “Give me more credit. In recon it was all about being the fly on the wall and waiting. Patience can get results. I never want you to force yourself into anything you’re not fully committed to. Because when we make love, I have a feeling it’s going to be incredible. Blow the roof off and scream down the house. It’ll be worth the wait.”

  A vision of her rolling across the bed, his heat buried inside her, sent a wave of arousal crashing over her again.

  She felt flushed and goofy with need. “Well, when you put it like that…”

  He stood and she followed him to the door. He enveloped her in a huge hug, and she threw her arms around his waist and held on like he was a lifeline.

  Aaron drew back enough to cup her face. “You are worth the wait, Lana Burns.”

  Tears prickled her eyes. “Damn it. You’re gonna make me cry.”

  She made a sniffling sound, which made her laugh, and he joined her. He gathered her close against his chest again, and she snuggled there.

  She muttered into his shirt, “You’re worth the wait, too, Aaron MacPherson. You’re a special guy.”

  He drew back and wrinkled up his face. “Special ed maybe.”

  “Um…that is so politically incorrect,” she said.

  They laughed once more, this time harder.

  He stepped back and unlocked the door. “That makes me feel good, I’ll admit. I don’t think I’ve ever been special to a woman before.”

  “Did your mother and sisters ever meet you when you came back from deployments?”

  “If they could, but not too often. I was never stationed in Colorado, so it was harder for them to meet me when I came back to the States.”

  “Right. Of course.” She drew in a deep breath. “Well, you’re still special.”

  “Jesus, woman. You’re going to give me a fat head.”

  She swatted him on the arm again. “Get outta here.”

  And as he left with one last tender kiss to her lips, Lana realized one thing both glorious and disturbing. Whether she wanted to or not, she was already more than halfway in love with Aaron.

  Chapter 15

  Aaron jerked into awareness as his cell phone went off Thursday while he was reading a novel. He staggered to his feet and went to the kitchen counter where the cell was plugged into a charger.

  His mother’s name showed on the screen. “Hey, Mom.”

  “Hello, sweetie. Are you okay? You sound funny.”

  He cleared his rusty throat. “Was deep into a book.”

  “Oh, my gosh. I’m sorry. Should I call you later?”

  He walked toward the couch and sank down. “No, it’s okay. I’ve got group therapy tonight.”

  “That’s right. How could I forget?”

  “I dunno. Maybe because you’ve got a life and have things to do?” He injected humor into his tone.

  “You’re my son, that’s why. I’ve just been so busy.”

  “When are you not busy? If you don’t watch out, you’ll get an ulcer like Dad.”

  She sighed. “I know, I know. He’s making me promise to slow down too. I just fear that…”

  Ah, hell. “What?”

  “That he won’t listen to me. He’ll just tell me what I want to hear to get me off his back.”

  “You’ve never been much of a nagger, Mom.”

  She laughed, but there was no humor in it. “Sweetie, you haven’t been around us every minute of every day for years. You’ve spent a large part of twenty years fighting a war. I’ve nagged him, all right. Way more than I should.”

  Damn. “You’re right. I haven’t been around much. Until now.” When she didn’t speak, he filled in with, “Everything all right, Mom?”

  “Actually, better than I expected. I wanted to tell you that your Dad and I are officially signed up for marriage counseling as of next week. He’s also going to take a stress reduction class and learn meditation.”

  Relief and happiness swept over him. Sometimes shit did work. Not every shoe had to drop. He closed his eyes. “That’s great news. It’ll be interesting to see if he takes to the meditation.”

  “I think he’ll kick and scream the whole way. He calls it mamby pamby girly stuff.”

  Yeah, he probably called it mamby pamby girly shit. “I might have thought of it that way at one time too.”

  “And now?”

  “I think it’s a great tool. Maybe I should do more of it myself. Tell Dad I’ll meditate if he will.”

  She laughed. “Okay. I’ll try that. How are you, Aaron?”

  He told her about the letter he’d written and how Lana had helped him, how he’d managed to choke out the words to the therapy group. “It about killed me, but I did it.”

  “That’s wonderful, Aaron. I mean, not wonderful that it was so traumatic, but fantastic that you’ve seen some progress.”

  With confidence he said, “I’ve seen more than some. I feel a lot different. A lot better.”

  He wasn’t lying. Since Tuesday, since he’d told the truth in the letter and held Lana in his arms, he’d felt almost like a new man.

  “So you feel the therapy is worth it?” she asked.

  Once he would have said hell no. “Yeah. It’s been the right thing for me. I’m glad the judge made me do it.”

  “And Lana? It seems like you really like her.”

  Hell, marine. You’re on a roll with the truth. “Yeah. She’s wonderful.”

  He imagined his mother’s huge grin when she said, “Bring her over for dinner sometime.”

  A tiny part of him panicked. No way was he bringing her home to meet the parents until Lana felt comfortable. “I think we have a bit to go before that happens.”

  “Well, okay. But the invite is open. I’d love to meet her. She sounds lovely.”

  “Right. If I brought her to dinner, you’d invite everyone in the family and scare the crap outta her.”

  “That’s tripe. She sounds like a strong woman. I’m sure she could take on our family with one hand tied behind her back.”

  “You’re right. She probably could.”

  Aaron shared a laugh with his mother, and shortly after they hung up. He glanced at the clock. Time to eat something before heading out for therapy. His cell rang again. Cruz was calling.

  ”Hey you old son of a bitch, what’s going on?” Cruz asked.

  “Getting ready to eat peanut butter.”

  “Damn, that’s exciting.”

  “Better than an MRE. Helps me keep my girlish figure.”

  Cruz laughed. “You’re so full of shit.”

  “Yeah, yeah. So tell me something I do
n’t know.”

  “Well, I don’t know if there’s anything you don’t know. You’re always telling me how fucking smart you are.”

  They laughed together, and Aaron realized he’d neglected his friendship with his old buddy too. “I’m sorry, dude.”

  “What about? That you’re so superior to the rest of us?”

  “Yeah, there’s that.”

  Cruz barked another laugh.

  “No, seriously,” Aaron said. “I’m sorry I haven’t called you much since I left the Corps. I’ll do better from now on. We were always tight, and I’ve…I’ve fucked that up.”

  “There’s no way you could fuck up our friendship, dude. I know what’s happening to you now. I won’t dump you on your ass when you need help.”

  Aaron sighed, relieved. “Thanks, buddy. I appreciate it. Still, I’ll do better. I’ll call more often.”

  “That would be sweet. Besides, who else is willing to listen to all my bullshit war stories but you? My wife sure as hell isn’t.”

  Aaron told Cruz about Magnus acting weird around Lana and the interesting dynamics of the therapy group. They jack jawed until Aaron realized if he didn’t get on the stick, he’d be late for therapy. “I have to pop smoke. I like to get there early so Lana doesn’t have to be around that ass Magnus by herself.”

  “The guy sounds like a weirdo.”

  “That’s an understatement.”

  They signed off shortly afterward.

  As Aaron sat at the kitchen table eating a quick peanut butter sandwich, he thought over Tuesday night with Lana and what he’d said to her. She was special, and every moment longer that he spent time with her carved a new place inside him. She did nutty things to his head, made him see things in different ways, opened his eyes to possibilities he hadn’t considered before. Yeah, the therapy helped in that direction as well, but how fuckin’ dull therapy would be without her there. He’d realized, as he’d read that letter out loud on Tuesday, that she’d comforted him and made him a better person.

  He wanted to see her, be with her, hold her. And yes, he wanted to have sex with her and to take Raul’s memory and grind it into dust. Yet he’d meant every word. He would fall on his sword before he hurt Lana, and he sure as hell wouldn’t push her into sex.