Heart in a Box

by Ally Sky

  You'll always care. Don't lie to yourself.

  "Don't cross that line," Colin warns, "your problems are with me, not with her."

  "I should have gone to UT," I whisper in pain. "I should have left you behind, become a doctor, made something of myself and not be . . ."

  "Vivian's mother," he reminds me deliberately of what I would have lost if I had given him up. If I had left him, my child would not have been born, and I wouldn't give her up, despite everything I’ve been through, despite everything he did. I couldn't imagine my life without him then, and I can't imagine it without Vivian now. Colin knows that, she's here because of him.

  "Do you enjoy this?" I pull my nose and wipe the tears from my cheek.

  "Not for a second," his voice cracks.

  "Then stop it," I beg in a trembling voice. "Stop breaking me. I can't do this anymore."

  "I just want to be her father." He is horrified at the idea of me coming between them.

  "And you will be, once you prove that you are trust worthy." I open the shop door and run away. If only, for one hour, I could escape from myself.

  "Why don't you invite Colin again?" Vivian asks innocently at dinner, making me choke on a piece of chicken.

  "He's busy, honey," I hurry to busy myself with my glass of water.

  "Is he always busy?"

  "I don't know."

  "Why don't you ask him?" She makes it difficult. "Don't you have his phone number?"

  "I do," I nod and put another forkfull in my mouth.

  "Can I call him?" she stares at me pleadingly.

  "What? No!" I almost choke again.

  "Why not?"

  "Because he is my friend, not yours." I take a deep breath.

  "Theresa wants to thank him for the gift." Ah, the little snake.

  "She can draw him a painting."

  "Like I did for Dad?" God, save me, please.

  "Yes, like that."

  "No. I want to call him," she insists.

  "You can't." I manage to remain calm.

  "You're not nice!" she gets mad. "You never invite friends!"

  The thought pinches my heart. What am I teaching Vivian, to be alone? Children imitate their parents, is that what I want for her?

  I just want to be her father . . .

  "Okay," I surrender. "You can call him and thank him for the gift."

  "Now." She crosses her hands.

  So stubborn! I take my phone out of my pocket and dial Colin as my heart begins to pound.

  "Elizabeth?" He probably didn't expect me to call.

  "Hello, Colin, I'm putting you on speaker," I hasten to make it clear that our conversation at the store isn't going to continue. "Someone wants to talk to you, if it's a good time."

  Breathe. That's what matters right now.

  "It's a good time. I wonder who it might be," his voice softens in a second. Viv reaches for the phone and I stand up to clear the dishes as I listen.

  "Hey, Colin."

  "Hello." He sounds happy. I can't imagine what's it like not to see your child for so many years, not to talk to her, and then to live so close to her, and still be forced to stay away.

  "Theresa loves her doll," she informs him.

  "She does?" he laughs.

  "Very much, but Mom said she was annoying."

  "I didn't say that," I defend myself.

  "She did, I heard her standing in the kitchen. It's because Elsa is singing."

  "Does she sing beautifully?" he cooperates lightly.

  "Yes, and her dress glows, and Mom wouldn't let me take her to daycare today."

  "Your mother's probably right." Ha, he's smart enough to back me up.

  "Daryl said I was lying, that nobody bought me the doll."

  "Did he say that?" Colin's voice becomes firm and protective.

  "Yes, he said no one ever buys me anything." The glass in my hand slides and shatters in the sink with a loud noise. I stare at the broken fragments beneath my fingers.

  "What happened?" Colin's voice panics from the commotion.

  "Mom broke a glass," the little snitch tattles.

  "Elizabeth?" he calls my name anxiously.

  "I'm fine, it's nothing," I grumble. That Daryl boy. If he doesn't stop bothering my girl, he'll be dealing with me!

  "Mommy's clumsy," Viv laughs at me.

  "I don't think that's true, I've known your mother for many years."

  Yes, Colin, we know how many years you’ve known me, you don't have to mention it.

  "Daryl's mother bought him a spaceship," Viv continues. "He let me play with it so we can fly to the moon. Daryl wants to live there."

  "Oh, that sounds like a good idea," I can't resist.

  "I want to live there with him. You can come with us, Colin."

  My loud coughing must have been heard on the other side of the phone.

  "I'd be happy to come." The bastard can't stop himself.

  "Hey, Judas," I remind him of who's side he's supposed to be on.

  "I think your mother will miss you terribly if you go to the moon."

  "She can come with us."

  "I'm staying here, thank you." I finish picking up the broken pieces of glass from the sink and throw them in the trash.

  "Because you're no fun. My mommy isn't fun," Viv protests in her pouty voice.

  "I'm not supposed to be fun, I'm supposed to be your mother," I defend myself immediately.

  "She's supposed to be your mother," Colin answers in a serious tone, though for a moment he sounds like he's teasing me.

  "Thanks."

  "You know I don't have a dad?" Vivian's words cause silence to occur at once. My eyes are fixed on the phone from which a response is due. "Mom says he left, she doesn't know if he's coming back."

  "She doesn't?" Colin mutters in a disturbing tone. It's time to end the conversation between these two.

  "Colin," I warn.

  "Do you want him to come back?"

  "Colin!" I raise my voice.

  "All children have a dad. I drew him a painting. Mom, where is Dad's painting?"

  "Yes, Elizabeth, where's the painting?" Colin sounds as if he’s accusing me of a crime against humanity.

  Fuck.

  "It's in the living room."

  "What did you paint?" He tries to develop the conversation with her. Enough.

  "I think it's time for your shower, Vivian." I wipe my hands on the kitchen towel. "Say goodbye to Colin."

  "Bye, Colin!"

  "Bye, Vivian, thank you for calling," he says, before I snatch the phone from her hand and hang up immediately. That was close. Way too close. How long can I go on with this?

  Colin Young: I want my painting.

  My cell beeps at ten past nine. I mute it, lying on the bed, watching Vivian sleep.

  Elizabeth Heart: If you give me your address, I'd be happy to send it.

  Colin Young: I can come pick it up.

  Elizabeth Heart: I don't think so.

  Colin Young: You want to meet for coffee?

  Elizabeth Heart: No.

  Colin Young: We need to talk.

  Elizabeth Heart: About what?

  Colin Young: Vivian, of course.

  Elizabeth Heart: Talk.

  Colin Young: I want to see her again. I want her to know who I am.

  Elizabeth Heart: Not yet.

  Colin Young: When?

  Elizabeth Heart: I don't know.

  Colin Young: You can't hide it from her forever.

  Elizabeth Heart: Are you sure?

  Colin Young: Elizabeth, she should know, and I need to see her. Let me take you out for dinner.

  Elizabeth Heart: Why?

  Colin Young: Why not? What does she like to eat?

  Elizabeth Heart: There's this place . . .

  My fingers come to a halt a second too late. The message has been sent. There's this place, and of all places, it’s my daughter's favorite.

  Colin Young: What place?

  Shit.

  Colin Y
oung:?

  Elizabeth Heart: Maples.

  Here it comes.

  Colin Young: She loves Maples.

  Elizabeth Heart: I know.

  That was our place. That's where we'd go, when we wanted time for ourselves or when we were looking for a quiet corner. We knew exactly when to go, when it wasn't busy.

  Colin Young: Tomorrow?

  I should refuse him, but perhaps, this way, I can let him see how much work it takes to raise a child. Yes, that would scare him away. That would make him pack his bag and disappear.

  Elizabeth Heart: At six.

  Colin Young: Good.

  We're meeting at Maples, out of all the places in the world. It brings back memories that should have been forgotten, buried to never emerge.

  Chapter 12

  At six sharp I open the restaurant's door and Vivian rushes to find her new friend.

  "Colin!" she rejoices when she recognizes him in one of the corner booths, sitting on the red leather couch. His body fills the small space between the couch and the table.

  "Hello, Viv." He stands up to her and she hugs him tightly. For a moment his enormous body seems to freeze, with her tiny body curling up on him.

  "Hey." He manages to sneak a smile at me and Viv releases him from her grip and sits down quickly on the sofa opposite him.

  "You look nice," he compliments her as she arranges her hair behind her ears. I sit down beside her, tense.

  "You're a giant," she giggles. "Right, Mama? Isn't he huge?"

  "Huge." I let go of a single word and give Colin a look that makes it clear his appearance may work on her, but not on me.

  "I brought you something." He takes out a flat, paper-wrapped package that must be from the bookshop.

  "What is it?" Her hands hurry to open the wrapper, which she throws aside, her eyes darting.

  "If you want to be an astromount, it's never too early to prepare." He seems pleased with himself.

  "It's not for her age," I caution. "She can't read."

  "She can look at the pictures, can't she?" He turns his face to me.

  "I suppose," I reply coldly, keeping my distance.

  "Maybe she'll go to NASA, if she doesn't make stupid mistakes," he mumbles the last as if I won’t hear.

  "Maybe," I reply defiantly, looking directly into his eyes. "If I can keep her away from the wrong crowd."

  "Daryl is gunna die!" The little one interrupts our momentary sparrin.

  "Yes?" Colin smiles broadly.

  "Look, Mama!" She enthusiastically points to a picture of a spaceship.

  "That's the Challenger," I explain. I have no intention of telling her how that story ends, and with one look at Colin I make it clear to him to keep his mouth shut too.

  "So . . ." he understands, thank God, "let me guess, a hamburger with no onions and pickles, extra fries and a diet coke."

  "Big deal," I roll my eyes. As if I don't know what he's going to order: medium size cheeseburger with onion rings and a coke.

  "What will you have, Viv?" he turns to the girl who is busy with her book, occasionally mumbling words like 'super-cool' and lots of 'wow'.

  "Waffle!" her eyes pop at me pleadingly.

  "Real food first, please," I make it clear.

  "Mama!" she protests immediately.

  "You know the rules."

  "There are rules?" Colin sounds confused.

  "Yes, Colin," I breathe air demonstratively. "There are rules. They help us keep order and sanity, when the ground seems to fall from under our feet."

  "And what happens if we break the rules?" He insists on not accepting my explanation.

  "You don't want to know."

  "I'm dying to know." He tilts his head sideways teasingly.

  He thinks he will side with her and dictate new rules while making a mess of the good order it took me god knows how long to impose in the process?

  "Vivian," I pull my bag from the table, "we're leaving."

  "No," she whines in alarm, "I didn't eat Waffle!"

  "Let her have it," Colin tries to intervene, but I interrupt him with a withering look.

  "You don't get to decide."

  "Elizabeth," he puts his hand on mine, his touch tingling up my forearm. Goddammit. I look down at where his hand touches me, and forgotten currents make my mind cloud for a moment to when I was seventeen and his thigh rubbed against my thigh.

  "It's just a Waffle," Colin's voice is soft as he raises his hand and leaves a strange sensation behind. Stimulating.

  Don't be stupid. You hate him, and he doesn't love you. Get a grip!

  "It's not just a Waffle, it's . . ." I breathe deeply, "the boundaries that begin to blur, and before you know it . . ." my voice crackles. The waitress comes and saves the day and Colin stares at me as he orders my food.

  "A children's meal with chicken tenders and an orange juice," I insist, "and she'll have a Waffle for dessert."

  "And I'll take a double cheeseburger, double fries, and the biggest strawberry milkshake you've got," he surprises me. "Oh, and I'll have a Waffle for dessert too."

  The waitress nods and walks away from the table.

  "What happened to onion rings and coke?" I wonder aloud.

  "Don't know," he shrugs, "I guess I got used to eating more."

  "A lot more." Double burger with double fries and a huge milkshake? He eats for three people.

  "My calorie burn is high, I'm hungrier than before." He keeps his cool. "I treat myself from time to time, it's not something I usually eat."

  "I bet not." If he ate this dish every day, he would not look . . . like that.

  "I'm more into cooking," he replies, making me cough.

  "I'm sorry?" Since when did he cook? As far as I can remember, the guy was a disaster in the kitchen. If I had not cooked myself, we would have eaten macaroni and cheese from a box or lived on cereal. So, he learned to cook, what else did he learn to do in his spare time?

  "It's healthier and more economical than eating out," Colin explains, as if I don't know myself.

  "So you cooked those muscles?" I point my head towards his arms.

  "I'm taking supplements."

  "Of course you are," I reply. "How much does that cost you?"

  "Quite a lot." He doesn't take his eyes off me, blue and stormy.

  "I'm sure." I try not to remember all the times I looked at them and deluded myself that this was what love looked like.

  "I can afford it, my business is profitable."

  Ah. Colin's mysterious business. I wonder what he'll tell me about it now.

  "I still can't believe it's legit," I blurt.

  "Why?"

  "You have too much money," I answer straight away. "I don't know many people who can spend twenty five thousand dollars without thinking."

  "Who said I wasn't thinking?" He isn't impressed with my accusation.

  "You know what I mean," I don't cave in.

  "I know exactly," he says bitterly, "you meant that I was the last person you expected to have an impressive bank account and a comfortable cash flow, and you are trying to figure out how the guy who worked in construction might be driving a jeep like mine."

  "That's not what I said."

  "That's what you said."

  "You're twisting my words," I say quietly. "I'm just saying I don't understand how it works."

  "I told you, I buy goods and sell them for a profit, how complicated do you think it is?"

  "Is that the whole story?"

  "Elizabeth, how complicated can it be?" He rolls his eyes. "You just have to know the right people, make the right deals and gain experience and reputation."

  "You haven't lived here for years, since when do you know the right people?" When did he make connections in the city?

  "Danielle knows them," he mentions the blonde, and my blood starts to bubble up at once. Colin's voice interrupts my inappropriate thoughts of Danielle. "I planned the transition for months, and my business is based on working relationships, it wasn't
complicated to move it here."

  "When did you manage to build it?" I wonder aloud, hoping he won't insist that I work for him again.

  "Once I had enough money."

  "From the army?"

  "You were in the army?" Nothing dodges my daughter. Her gaze leaps from the book and she stares at Colin.

  "Yes, Vivian, I was in the army."

  "Fighting the bad guys?"

  "Sometimes."

  "You won?" she enthuses innocently.

  "Okay," I try to interrupt the conversation without success.

  "You have a picture?" She leaps to her feet and jumps onto the leather couch.

  "Vivian Heart!" I scold her and out of the corner of my eyes I see Colin's face fall.

  "Heart," he mumbles, and even I, with all my fierce hatred, can hear the pain in front of me.

  "Yes." I swallow the lump stuck in my throat and thank God, and our waitress who comes back with our order just in time. Another quick look at Colin reveals to me that the matter has not been closed.

  He doesn't take his eyes off me, but there is no blame. Perhaps only towards himself.

  "Sit down," I gently pull Viv's hand and sit her down, praying that the rest of the meal will pass quietly and we can run back home.

  "And then Elsa melts all the ice, and they chase Hans away, and Anna and Kristoff can get married!" Vivian rejoices, again, when she finishes telling Colin the whole plot of her favorite film, from start to finish, after we've finished eating.

  "And all Anna needs is to pray Christoph won't change his mind." I can't keep my mouth shut.

  "Mama," her scolding tone is accompanied by a smile, "he loves her!"

  Colin keeps his mouth shut and doesn't interfere.

  "Can I go play?" she pleads in a sweet voice, looking with eager eyes outside the window and at the play castle.

  "I'll come with you." I stand up immediately, open my bag and pull out my wallet.

  "Don't insult me." Colin's cold voice makes me freeze.

  "I . . ." The words get stuck. I wasn't even thinking. It’s just habit.

  "Go outside, I'll join you after I pay." He shakes his head in frustration.

  "Colin," I feel an urge to explain, but Vivian slips under the table and I have to run after her.

  Damn.

  My hands are clasping my bag to my chest while I try to breathe and fight my tears. Colin and I sit on a bench in the shade and watch Viv jump all over the castle. Yes, he stole that from us too, the normality of a man and a woman sitting and looking at their daughter. Together.