The Scars I Bare

by J. L. Berg

  The giant set of keys that had access to every boat we owned in the harbor.

  “Well, maybe they flew off the table when you hit the guy,” Taylor said.

  “Maybe he’s in the restroom,” Cora said.

  Everyone started looking around at once. After five minutes, he was a no-show. And so was Taylor’s truck.

  “Why the fuck would he take my truck? He has a car of his own.”

  “Does it really matter at this point?” I asked.

  “Where do you think he went?” Cora asked, moving on to more pressing issues.

  “I don’t know, but he was pretty drunk. Wherever he went, we need to find him before he gets hurt. Or worse, before he hurts someone else.” I pulled my keys out of my pocket, just as Taylor’s phone began to ring. “I’ll go look for him.”

  “What?” Taylor said loud enough to make everyone turn. He held up a finger, signaling for me to wait. “When?” he asked the person on the phone before turning to us. “Someone just took one of our boats out of the marina.”

  “Oh my God, in this weather? He wouldn’t,” I said. “Does he even know how to operate a boat?”

  Cora nodded. “Unfortunately, yes. It’s one of his hobbies.”

  Grabbing the phone from Taylor, I held it up to my ear. “Hi, who is this?”

  “Dean, is that you? This is Dwight Bosley. I live just behind the marina, over on the—”

  “I know where you live, Dwight,” I said, feeling too impatient to wait for the old man to continue.

  “Oh, yes, of course. Anyway, I saw Taylor’s truck skate into the parking lot just a few minutes ago, which was alarming because it wasn’t too long ago that the Mrs. and I left the wedding, and I remembered you taking away his keys.”

  “Dwight, which boat did he take?” I pressed.

  “Smaller one,” he answered. “One of the boats meant for the inshore tours—or at least, that’s what it looked like from my window. I was so worried it was Taylor. That’s why I called him first. But, now, I feel terrible I didn’t call Macon first, knowing someone stole it. Do you want me to call him? Macon, that is.”

  “I’ll do it myself,” I said, knowing Macon wouldn’t do a lick of good right now.

  He couldn’t steer a boat in a straight line to save his life.

  Never could.

  Handing back the phone to my brother, who was still three sheets to the wind, and then glancing in the direction of my best friend, still dressed in his wedding attire, holding a med kit and a bag of ice, while his new wife stood by his side, I knew I was the only option.

  So, I took a deep breath, and I made a choice.

  “I’m going after him,” I announced to the room.

  And, before anyone could change my mind, I charged out of the house and toward the churning dark water that had already tried to steal my life once, and I begged it not to do so a second time.

  Dear Friends and Family,

  I could say something cliché like, Long time, no see, but from the long gap between my last post and this one…well, that much is already obvious. And, besides, a stupid phrase like that doesn’t really say anything, does it?

  It doesn’t explain the why. It’s just an excuse people use to camouflage the truth.

  And I’ve done enough of that in my life.

  So, here it is.

  The truth. All of it.

  Or at least, most of it.

  My life fell apart a while ago, and I headed back into the world to start over. Too embarrassed to tell anyone of my failure, I kept it a secret. But, in the depths of all these secrets and lies I was telling to the outside world, something amazing happened. I began to find balance again.

  And love.

  So much love.

  I’ve met a man—a beautiful, broken man—who is teaching me how to trust again. How to open my heart once more to the possibility and vastness of love.

  The forever kind of love.

  It’s funny how, in the midst of tragedy, life can offer up something so pure and magnificent. And yet, I still can’t seem to find the strength to trust myself.

  To take that leap into forever.

  I watched Dean storm out of the house with a look of determination so fierce, it felt like the air crackled around him as he moved. By the time the door slammed and I heard the roar of his truck engine, the reality of what was happening sank in.

  My eyes flickered to the windows as rain beat against them, falling in thick sheets against the glass, while the wind howled, and the trees bent.

  Oh God, what have I done?

  “Someone, go after him!” I screamed, searching the crowd until my eyes fell on Taylor.

  He shook his head, remorse and regret painting his face. “He knew I couldn’t,” he said. “I’ve had too much to drink. I’d be more of a hindrance than help out there right now. But—”

  Panic turned to anger as I blinked several times, trying to keep the tears away. Turning away from him, I moved on. “Jake?”

  His gaze morphed into something of the same.

  “I am not a seaman, Cora,” he said. “Never have been.”

  Letting out a frustrated breath, I found myself nearly yelling, “Can anyone help him? Or are all of you just going to sit around and wait for him to die out there?”

  “Cora,” Taylor called out.

  I could feel myself beginning to lose it as the room began to close in around me, and I knew, once I allowed it to, I’d never pull myself back together. So, I ran. I ran for the door. I ran out into the storm, water beating down on me, soaking my skin in seconds.

  The world was crying.

  “Cora!” Taylor yelled from the doorway.

  “What do you want?” I screamed, my head lifted to the heavens as the world wept for me.

  “You never let me finish. Drive me to the docks,” he said. “I’ll do what I can from land. But I’ll need some help. I’m not exactly operating at my peak here.”

  Nodding, I met his gaze, one that matched Dean’s in so many ways. “I’ll go get my purse.”

  Twenty minutes and a change of clothes later, Taylor, Lizzie, and I had made our way to the docks.

  My little girl was scared, so scared that she was huddled up to my side like she had no plans of ever leaving.

  It made me secretly wish we could trade roles from time to time, and I could be the outwardly scared one who curled up to her while she stroked my hair and told me everything would be okay.

  Because, as I’d dodged tree branches and driven at a turtle’s pace just to be able to see through my windshield to get here, I knew it was definitely not. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like in the water with the waves tossing and turning you in every which way, making you lose your sense of direction.

  Not to mention, the inebriated state Blake was in.

  The idiot.

  I’d conveniently left that part of the story out when relaying the information to Lizzie. Making excuses for him, just like old times.

  When would I ever learn?

  Maybe Dean was right. Maybe Blake didn’t deserve a place in our lives.

  Sitting in the office of Sutherland Fishing Company, I watched Taylor get set up, switching on the radio. He tried to get a signal from Dean or Blake. There were a few other things he turned on, but from my layman’s point of view, nothing really made sense.

  “Okay, I’m going to radio the Coast Guard and let them know we’ve got a couple of missing boats in the inlet, so they can start looking as well—might take a few tries. It’s going to be hard for them to get a helicopter out in this weather, but hopefully, Dean will get to him first.”

  I nodded, giving Lizzie an extra squeeze while he sent out the distress call to the Coast Guard. My usually talkative and inquisitive girl was anything but as we waited on news of Dean and Blake.

  “Is there any way you can track them? Don’t boats have trackers?” I asked, once he was finished on the radio.

  “Yes,” he answered. “That’s what I’m trying t
o do now.” He pointed to a screen. It was pretty much black, except for two green dots. “But nothing is showing up.”

  Taylor held the radio up to his mouth, switching several dials before pressing a switch just below his lips. “Endeavor, Endeavor, Endeavor, this is Sutherland Fishing Company. Please state your location. Over.”

  We all waited with bated breath for an answer. Several minutes passed, and all we were met with was static.

  Never-ending static. I looked towards the window, the rain battering the glass so hard, it shock. Letting out a shaky breath, I tried to remain calm.

  “Okay, let me try Blake. You said he’s a decent boatman, correct?”

  I nodded.

  “Well, let’s see if he can figure out a radio as well as a boat.”

  “Wave Runner, Wave Runner, Wave Runner, this is Sutherland Fishing Company. Please state your location.”

  Lizzie squeezed my hand as we once again waited, a lump so big forming in my throat, I could barely breathe.

  What if I lost both of them in one night?

  The man I loved and Lizzie’s father. Gone. Just like that.

  Suddenly, the static changed, a hiccup in the frequency, and then suddenly, Dean’s voice filled the small office.

  “Sutherland Fishing Company, this is Endeavor. I’ve found him. I can see the lights in the distance.”

  The dam broke, and tears fell from my face. Tears of joy, tears of relief.

  He was alive.

  He was—

  “Mayday, Mayday, Mayday!” he yelled, making my heart fall to the floor as I jumped to my feet. “Taylor, the boat is capsized. Jesus, I don’t know for how long. I’ve got to go in. I’ve got to go after him. Tell Cora I love her.”

  And then the static returned as Taylor turned to me with wide eyes of terror.

  I’d thought my heart broke a long time ago. The moment Blake had betrayed my trust and his fist collided with my face.

  But I was wrong.

  Turned out, it wasn’t quite done.

  That night was the longest of my life.

  The waiting.

  The constant, never-ending waiting.

  I didn’t know how long Taylor, Lizzie, and I were in that office at the marina, listening to that radio for some sort of answer. Every glitch and jump in the otherwise mundane sound of the static would send my heart into overdrive as I prayed that it would be followed by Dean’s voice.

  I didn’t know how long we sat there.

  It could have been minutes, days…hours.

  But, finally, when I’d nearly lost hope, imagining Dean out there, in the angry black water, fighting for his life, thinking about those horrible, angry words I’d said to him, hoping they wouldn’t be my last, we got the call.

  The Coast Guard had found them. Both of them.

  And they were en route to Virginia Beach.

  Taylor and I looked at each other, knowing this nightmare wasn’t over yet.

  “Why are they going to Virginia, Mommy?” a sleepy Lizzie asked as we headed out toward the car.

  I swallowed deeply, knowing this was one of those moments as a mother when I had to make a decision. Lie to protect her innocence or trust her with the truth, knowing she deserved to know everything just as I did.

  “It means, they’re doing everything they can to take care of Dean and Daddy, sweetheart. And, like you know, the hospital Mommy used to work for in Virginia Beach is the best place to do that, isn’t it?”

  She nodded, looking more childlike than I’d ever seen her. Sometimes, with so many big words and thoughts coming out of her head, it was hard for me to remember how young she really was.

  “You know we can’t drive up there yet,” Taylor said the minute we were seated in the car.

  My hands gripped the wheel as rain pounded down all around us. If it were just me, I would have said screw it and done everything in my power to get to him.

  Bribed a pilot, stolen a boat…

  Whatever it took.

  But it wasn’t just me.

  And that kind of selfish thinking was what had gotten us into this mess. Blake had been so hell-bent on getting off this island, getting away from us, that he put his own needs before anyone else.

  I couldn’t do that.

  “I know,” I said, feeling defeated but resolute.

  “As soon as the weather clears, Cora,” he vowed, placing a warm hand on my shoulder.

  I nodded, knowing he meant it. We pulled out of the marina and headed back to the inn.

  I knew sleep wouldn’t come easy to anyone that night.

  Not as long as the rain held and the winds whipped around the island, holding us here like prisoners from the one we loved.

  “We’re coming, Dean,” I whispered, tears stinging my eyes. “I promise. We’ll be there soon.”

  “Cora.”

  My eyes opened slightly, blinking several times as the sunlight from the window hit me square in the face. Molly was sitting on the edge of my bed, holding a cup of tea.

  What was she doing here? Didn’t she get married—

  Suddenly, the events from the night before came roaring back.

  The wedding.

  A fight.

  Blake stealing Taylor’s boat.

  It’d capsized.

  And Dean.

  I shot up, causing Molly’s tea to spill.

  “Sorry!” I said. “But how did I—the weather.” I pointed to the window. “I need to go.”

  Placing the cup on the dresser, she held her hand out in front of her, like she was trying to calm a wild animal. The wild animal—me—wasn’t having it.

  “I need to get dressed, Molly. I need to catch the ferry to Hatteras and—”

  “I already pulled out some clothes for you right over here. Lizzie is eating breakfast as we speak, and since I knew you wouldn’t sit down and eat, I packed you something for the road. Or air, I guess.”

  “Air?”

  “Taylor was going to take you by boat, but the water is still pretty choppy. So, one of the pilots in town was gracious enough to offer you a ride. So, you don’t have to deal with traffic. And the ferry.”

  “That is very generous.”

  I looked around the room, feeling immensely guilty. “I can’t believe I slept.”

  An expression much the same as mine painted her face before she said, “I might have put something in that tea I made you last night. You were death on your feet. I knew you needed some rest before today.”

  “And you expect me to drink another cup of it now?”

  She laughed. “Oh no, that one is perfectly normal. Promise. But I’ll give you a minute to get ready. Taylor is already at the airport. He left about five minutes ago, so when you are ready, I’ll have Jake drive you over. He’s going to head up there with you. He offered to take Dean’s mother as well, but after everything Dean went through before, she can’t set foot in that hospital again. So, I’ll stay back and wait with her.”

  “Thank you, Molly,” I said. “I know this isn’t exactly the wedding you imagined. Or the first day of marriage, for that matter.”

  She shrugged. “It’s not the wedding that counts. Besides, it wouldn’t be a small-town wedding without some drama,” she said with a wink. “And, as for my first day of marriage, well, I definitely wouldn’t have wished for Dean to be back in the hospital, but everything else? Jake and Molly Jameson helping friends and family when they need us? That sounds just about perfect.” She paused for a moment, her cheeks staining red. “Jake and Molly Jameson. I think that’s the first time I’ve said it out loud.”

  “And how does it sound?”

  “Like a dream come true. Now, go bring home Dean,” she said, heading for the door. She stopped short just at the threshold. “And, Cora?”

  “Yeah?” I said, grabbing the things she’d pulled out for me.

  “Don’t forget that home now includes you.”

  With a warm smile, she vanished into the hallway.

  It didn’t
take me long to get ready, thanks to Molly. I threw on the clothes she’d picked out, ran a comb through my hair, and brushed my teeth, all within the span of ten minutes. We were at the airport in another five and taking off. I’d never seen Ocracoke from the air before. In a different circumstance, I would have taken the time to look for the inn, point out Lizzie’s school to her, and soak in the beauty of the island we’d adopted.

  But all I could do was stare down at that vast water and wonder what had happened the night before.

  “Jake, do you have any updates?” I asked.

  He looked to Lizzie, who was staring out the window, as if he were asking for permission to speak candidly in front of her.

  I gave it with a single nod.

  “Both of them were in pretty bad shape when the Coast Guard pulled them up into the helicopter. Blake more so since he’d been in the water longer and was, uh…intoxicated to begin with. They were worried about the lack of oxygen.”

  “And now?”

  “I don’t know,” he said. “It’s only been a few hours, Cora, and being the middle of the night, information was hard to get. Even for me.”

  I looked at the clock on my phone. He was right. Even though the sun was bright in the sky, it was still very early in the morning. I’d only been asleep for a handful of hours. Knowing this somehow relieved a bit of the guilt that had been coursing through me since I awoke in my comfy, dry bed, knowing Dean was somewhere suffering.

  “Mommy?” Lizzie said, her gaze tearing away from the window as she turned toward me.

  “Yeah, sweetheart?”

  “I have something to tell you,” she said, her eyes betraying her remorse.

  “What?” I asked, suddenly worried. I sat up and grabbed her small hand as she looked away.

  “You know how I like to go on the computer late at night after you go to sleep?”

  I let out a sigh. “Yes.”

  “Well, a while ago, when we first moved to Ocracoke, I made up an email address—SmartieBeachGirl5,” she explained before adding, “I guess I shouldn’t have put the five at the end of it since I’m six now. Can I change that?”

  “Lizzie?”

  “Right, okay. So, I made an email address, and I emailed Dean. I had taken a business card from his office that day he took me to the marina.”